


Lego House

by danceinstylinson



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drug Addiction, Fluff, M/M, Prostitute!Harry, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, but a lot of angst too, but i promise it's worth it, i promise it gets happy these tags sound so depressing, i'm mostly just putting these tags for trigger warning purposes, sometimes?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-24
Updated: 2013-12-01
Packaged: 2018-01-02 13:01:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 143,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1057069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danceinstylinson/pseuds/danceinstylinson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis Tomlinson was just about at the end of his rope, caught up in the mess he’d created for himself, stranded at the center of a maze. Harry Styles was doing just fine the way thing were. He worked at night and slept through the day. He made enough money to just get by. Everything was fine. But one night seemed to change everything. Coming from very opposite sides of town, the two boys meet. One saves the other in more ways than one, and though neither expect a future extended past sunrise, fate seems to have other plans….</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This City//Last Night

**Author's Note:**

> This is a reposting of my fic Lego House which was originally posted on my tumblr: danceinstylinson.tumblr.com where you can also find me and my fics :) xx

Home is warm and familiar, home is comfortable and safe, and like the cliche says, home is where the heart is. 

But Louis Tomlinson hadn’t been ‘home’ in far too long, and his new home didn’t feel much like what a home should feel like. Sure he had his friends to keep him company, but they weren’t the same as family. Then again, even his family wasn’t the family that it had once been, and so even ‘home’ didn’t feel like home anymore. Louis’s heart wasn’t really anywhere, only drifting around in a city that called him stranger. 

He couldn’t really be bothered to fully care about his lack of a home though, because, well, Louis had stopped caring about most things a long time ago. 

These days, Louis could be found in the back rooms of clubs or back alleys making payments that were always far too late. He couldn’t really pinpoint when exactly things had spiraled down so badly, but the spiral happened, and now rock bottom felt quite comfortable. 

The thing about Louis though is that he’s never been the kind of guy to disappoint people. All his life he was the exemplary son, friend, student. He knew how to please people, how to make them smile and laugh, how to take care of them. But he was never  very good at taking care of himself. And so he allowed the spiral to happen, and with the spiral came disappointment. It was his friends who watched him waste away, his two best mates who found him in the back room of Paradise one night after things had gone too far. Well, it was Liam who found him, and Niall who was waiting at home worried sick. 

Louis hated disappointing people.

Sometimes it’s hard having Liam Payne as a best friend because he just has a way of making you feel like shit when you do something wrong and he doesn’t even know he’s doing it because he’s just too damn good. He’ll just sigh in disappointment, but he wont say anything, he wont pass judgement, but you still feel like shit because you  _know_  you fucked up and you just sometimes wish he’ll yell at you for being such an arse because yelling is better than those sad eyes and sighs.  

That’s how Louis Tomlinson was feeling on the day Liam found him high in the back room of the club. Liam didn’t say anything. He didn’t comment on the stench that clung to Louis’s clothes. He didn’t comment on the half naked women that were sprawled across the room. He didn’t comment on the other guys that were with Louis, eyes bloodshot and noses red. Liam didn’t say a word. He simply took Louis, throwing his arms over his shoulder for support and walked him to the car. Not a word was spoken on the car ride home. Nothing was said as they pulled up to the gate of their apartment complex. Liam offered no explanation to worried Niall, and nothing was said as Louis collapsed into bed.

Louis had fucked up. He’d been fucking up for the past few months. If he  _really_  wanted to put a time frame on it, the spiral happened somewhere between December and March when he’d gotten himself involved in the wrong crowed. It had probably been a bad idea to take up a job working at the club with Liam. Liam could handle working at Paradise since he never drank or smoked or did  _anything_. But Louis was far worse at dealing with temptation.

“What happened? What’s wrong with him?” Louis could hear Niall asking from the other room in hushed whispers. 

“What do you think happened, Niall?” Liam said in a low voice. 

“Shit, so we were right? He’s been doing drugs?” 

Liam let out a sigh, and Louis guessed he must have been nodding his head in response. 

“What are we going to  _do_?” 

“Right now,” Liam said, his voice getting closer to the bedroom, “we’re going to keep him hydrated and let him rest. Later, we’ll have to talk to him.” 

The door swung open and a blurry looking Liam crossed the room with a tray in his hands piled with an assortment of things that Louis figured Liam would use to ‘nurse him’ back to health. Admittedly, Louis could not remember anything that happened after Liam set the tray down. He woke up in a cold sweat some many hours later, his head pounding and the apartment dark and quiet. 

Louis stumbled out of bed and shuffled out the door and into the hallway. There was a bluish glow coming from the living room. Liam sat up at the sound of footsteps, looking away from the TV to see Louis emerging from the darkness. 

“Hey, Louis,” Liam said as cheerfully as he could muster. 

Louis didn’t say anything back, but turned to look at the clock. It read 7:10. “How long have I been sleeping?” he croaked. His throat was dry and his voice raspy. 

“About 18 hours. You’ve been in and out actually. I think you woke up sometime around 2 in the after noon to go to the bathroom.” 

“I don’t remember that,” Louis murmured, rubbing his head. How high had he been? How much had he really taken last night if he’d fallen asleep for nearly a whole day? That wasn’t natural. It wasn’t right. Louis tried to think, tried to remember anything about the previous day, but his head hurt too much and he just wanted to get out, out of the apartment and away from Liam and those sad eyes. 

“Look, Lou––Hey, where are you going?” Liam rose from the sofa following Louis as he crossed the room to the door. 

“I’m going out.” 

“ _What_? After what happened last night?” Now Liam’s voice was rising.  _Good. Finally some sort of reaction._

“Oh please. It’s not like you didn’t know. I heard you and Niall last night, talking about me. You both  _knew_. It’s not like last night was the first time. Just stop worrying about me, I can take care of myself.” Louis yanked the front door open, turning to face Liam once more, his eyes flickering up angrily.  

“What the hell has happened to you?” Liam said, his voice once again calm and full of disappointment. “You’re not the Louis I know. What happened to the fun loving, happy guy who used to be my best mate?” 

“Looks like he’s gone,” Louis coolly. 

They held each other’s gaze for a few seconds, and then Louis turned away and stalked out the door. “And get out of  _my_  apartment, yeah?” And then he was gone. Walking and walking, putting as much distance between himself and Liam. He was at the end of the corridor now and punching his fingers against the button for the lift. Then he was going down, down to the first floor. And then he was walking and walking on the cold sidewalk, with no real destination in mind. 

Louis knew he shouldn’t have left. He knew Liam only wanted to help. And he knew that Liam was right, he was losing himself. He hadn’t been happy in a long while, and he really did need help. He needed someone to save him but he wouldn’t let himself be saved. That was Louis’s fatal flaw, he was good at piecing together other people, but when it came to himself, he was lost and alone. It didn’t help that his family had become so broken over the past few years, to the point where he barely ever visited anymore. Nothing was okay anymore, but he could never tell anyone how he really felt. He could never tell Liam or Niall how he would get high every night for weeks. Or how before the drugs started, it had been alcohol. He couldn’t tell them that he had dropped out of uni last semester. And he could never, ever tell them all the shit he had to do to pay off his debts. 

Louis Tomlinson had been broken for some time now, and he was in desperate need of fixing. 

***

It was 7:10 on a Sunday and Harry Styles sat idly tugging on a loose string on his frayed, old quilt. The quilt was all patches, full of color, bright, happy. But it was old, perhaps one of the oldest things Harry owned. The quilt was one of those nostalgic things that meant too much to ever get rid of. The quilt was warm and familiar and comfortable and safe. In a way that silly little quilt was  _home_. 

Harry was getting too caught up in his thoughts, thinking too much about things that he ought not be thinking of, when Zayn strolled in, naked and wet, snapping his attention back to reality. 

“You seen my black t-shirt anywhere?” Zayn asked rummaging through a pile of clothes on the floor. 

“Think I saw it in the other room. Over the heater,” Harry said quickly. 

Zayn nodded. “Thanks.” He disappeared into the next room and returned with the shirt. “You working tonight?” he asked as he slipped the black shirt over his head. 

“Aren’t I always working,” Harry said with a smirk. “You?” 

“I have a shoot night. A few scenes here and there. Then I’m going down to Paradise for some drinks.” 

Harry laughed. “Oh Zayn, you’re living the dream. Look at you, big time actor. I remember back when you were an amateur like me.” 

“Haa. Big time  _porn_  actor. And I think you’re far more pro than me. You probably get it more in a night than I do all week.” 

Harry rolled his eyes. “But you’re a  _star_ ,” he said dramatically. “Wayne MaLick.” Harry chuckled. 

Zayn shoved him playfully and then finished getting dressed. “I gotta go. I’ll catch you later,” Zayn said as he departed. 

When Harry was sure Zayn was probably down the block, he let out a loud sigh. He really didn’t want to go to work today. He was still sore from last night and he hadn’t slept properly in the past two days. Plus tonight was a night with Steven, and Steven was always his hardest costumer to please. Steven was also usually high half the time, and would push Harry to get high too, even if he didn’t want to. But he had to do it because Steven was his best customer and he needed the money. He always needed the money. 

Grudgingly Harry got up and showered and changed. He grabbed some pain killers and threw them down his throat swallowing hard before leaving his apartment and jogging down the two flights of stairs until he was out on the sidewalk, walking towards Babylon, the club where Steven would pick him up at. 

Tonight was a cold night, Harry noted, as he walked along. He thought back to last year and how he would have probably been huddled under a bridge somewhere, trying to stay warm on a night like tonight. He was glad he’d found Zayn. He was glad that Zayn was good at making porn. He was glad that together they just managed to make enough money to scrape by month by month. Everything was quite alright for the time being. Life was better than it had been in a while. Well, maybe not. But it was nothing Harry couldn’t handle. He was fine, really. 

***

By now Louis knew where he was walking to. He knew where he was going, he knew what he had to do. He had to meet up with  _them_. He needed another hit. He needed something,  _anything_ , in his system. He could see the bright lights of the club getting closer and closer. He could smell the smoke and alcohol in the air. Instead of entering through the front door he turned down an alley off to the side of the club. There were a few people farther down, standing by the side door that led into the back of the club. 

“Look who it is!” called one guy from the pack. “It’s Tommo!” 

“What happened to you last night? Why’d that twat take you away?” asked one of the girls. 

Louis ignored them all and asked a question of his own. “What’ve you got on you? I––I need something.” Louis’s voice faltered. Two of the guys were looking at him with less than pleasant glares. 

“You owe us, Tommo. You owe us a lot of money.” 

“I––I’m sorry. I’ll get it to you soon, I promise.” 

“Yeah, that’s what you’ve been saying. We’re starting to think these ‘promises’ of yours are empty.” 

The group began to close in around Louis. 

“Really sorry about this,” said the bigger of the two guys. And before Louis could react, the wind was knocked out of him with a punch. Louis fell to the ground and then he felt another blow travel across his body as a foot collided with his ribs. He was gasping for air now and suddenly, looking up and into the distance he could see a figure climbing over the gate at the end of the alley and walking towards them. Through tearful eyes the streetlights overheard blurred around the figure and he looked almost like an angel. Then another kick sent his vision into a whirl and he shut his eyes, a strangled cry escaping his lips.  

“Hey!” a new voice called, echoing down the alley. “Stop it! Allen! Carlos! Fuck off!” 

“Oh look, if it isn’t the fairy princess  _whore_ ,” Allen guffawed. “Come to save the day, Styles?” 

“Fuck  _off_ ,” the rescuer scoffed. “Jeff wont be too happy if he finds out you’re using his club to deal drugs…again.” 

“Is that a  _threat_ , Princess?” 

“Tell you what, you guys fuck off and I’ll give you a freebie.” 

“Alright, Styles. Bring your pornstar friend with you, yeah?” 

“We’ll see.” 

Louis opened his eyes now, and saw that the boy was standing much closer than before. Directly under the streetlight. The boy stood there with a smug expression, a dimpled smile, and a mess of curly hair. 

Allen and Carlos where backing off, saying something to the boy but Louis wasn’t paying attention. He was only vaguely aware that he was bleeding. And even less aware that his body was aching and that bones were probably broken. He was too busy watching the light dance around the mysterious boy, and it didn’t ever register when the boy began to move closer to Louis, or even when he was hovering right in front of his face. In fact, it wasn’t until the boy touched him that he noticed time had passed at all. The touch was gentle, just a little shake to rouse him from his thoughts, but it sent an electric current through his veins. He jumped at the touch and his eyes flicked up to meet big, luminous green ones. 

“You alright?” said the boy, his voice low and raspy. 

Louis tried to speak but the only sound that escaped his lips was a loud groan. 

“Here, let me help,” the boy held out his hand and Louis clasped it. The boy’s other arm wrapped around Louis’s shoulder, pulling him up into sitting position. He propped Louis up against the alley wall. “What the hell is a pretty boy like you doing hanging around scum like Allen and Carlos?” He kind of twisted his face into a smile, but his eyes were questioning, searching. Louis swallowed hard. It was kind of like the way Liam would stare at him. Disappointed. But why would this stranger be disappointed in him? Louis shook his head and simply shrugged. 

The boy looked down the alley and sighed. Louis followed his line of vision and saw a car parked on the curb in front of the alley, headlights on. He turned away from the car quickly and threw Louis’s arm over his shoulder. “Come on, let’s get out of here.” 

***

Harry was fucked. Steven was waiting at the end of the alley in his car. Harry knew he was watching, he knew those eyes were staring at him, furiously, as he scooped up the pretty boy and turned in the opposite direction, carrying him over to the fence. 

“What’s you’re name?” Harry asked quietly, trying to distract himself. 

“Louis.” 

Harry almost hadn’t heard him from the faintness of his voice. “Harry,” he replied simply. 

They’d reached the fence. It wasn’t too high, and Harry helped Louis get over. He then jumped over too, and ran as fast as he could with Louis’s weight leaning against him. 

“Why–are…we running?” Louis asked, quickly running out of breath. 

“Because I’m blowing off a very important customer to save your life and you better appreciate it because I might be dead tomorrow.” 

Louis let out a barking laugh. He had no idea what this Harry kid was talking about but suddenly everything seemed funny. 

Harry smirked. “No, I’m serious. This guy is a dick. I wouldn’t be surprised if he got roid rage and sent someone after me.” 

Louis paled, eyes widening. 

“Oh my god, I’m kidding!” Harry said whirling them around in a circle. It was oddly comical. It was like they were dancing at a ball or something. He stopped though when Louis began clutching his head, looking ill. 

“Okay, you need to lay down asap. My place is just around the corner, will you live til we get there?” 

“I think so,” Louis grinned faintly, nodding through half lidded eyes. 

He did make it. Thank god. And then he threw up on the door step. 

Harry crinkled his nose. Louis began apologizing profusely. 

“It’s alright. It’s  _alright_. It’s not the first time someone’s thrown up here, and it definitely  won’t be the last.” Harry opened the door wider and ushered Louis inside, telling him to lie down on the sofa. Meanwhile, Harry got some paper towels and cleaning product to take care of the mess in front of the door.  

Louis stumbled over to the sofa and laid down, his arm draping over his eyes as he groaned again in pain. Harry did the best he could with the mess, but to be honest he was more concerned with the boy laying in pain. “Is anything broken?” he asked strolling into the small living room, eyes flickering up and down Louis’s body quickly. 

“I don’t think so. But everything just––hurts.” 

Harry nodded. “Alright, I’ll get some ice and painkillers and then I’ll make you some tea, yeah?” 

Louis removed his arm from his eyes and suddenly Harry was taken aback by the intense blue that stared up at him. In the dark alley his eyes had looked almost clear, but now they were bright and shocking blue. He didn’t realized Louis had spoken until the boy was repeating himself. 

“Really, you don’t need to do anything for me,” Louis said again. 

“What? No it’s fine,” Harry said quickly. “You just got the shit beat out of you, I think you’re well deserving of a bit of pampering,” Harry smiled turning into the kitchen and opening up the freezer for the ice. He went to work grabbing one of the last few tea bags in the cupboard and hoped Louis liked Yorkshire tea because that was all they had. 

“So,” Harry said awkwardly, setting the tea down and handing Louis the ice and painkillers. “What did you do to set off Allen and Carlos?” 

Louis huffed out a sigh. He could either make something up, lie as he was used to doing these days, or he could tell this stranger the truth. For some reason he chose the latter. “I owe them money,” he said simply, keeping his eyes on Harry, waiting for his reaction. 

But Harry didn’t react the way he had expected. Harry only nodded, and there was a look in his eyes that Louis couldn’t quite place. It looked a bit like disappointment again. Even strangers were disappointed of Louis. Louis turned away, eyes flickering down in shame. 

“Hey, it’s alright,” Harry said, sensing Louis’s feelings. “Everyone has their ups and downs.” 

“It’s gotten really bad,” Louis whispered, and he didn’t know why he was telling the other boy this, but he was, and it didn’t feel so bad. “I’ve totally fucked things up.” 

Harry watched him, those green eyes completely unreadable. “It’s okay.” And then there was another spark of electricity shooting up though Louis’s veins and it felt better than any drug. Harry squeezed his hand reassuringly, and it was just a simple touch, just a friendly touch, but Louis was gone, he wanted more touches. He shook himself as soon as the thought registered. _What was he thinking?_ But his rescuer was looking at him with those big eyes, and his lips were so red, and he had a really nice smile, and dimples, and a mess of curly hair. Louis should have felt some sort of shock as he admired a  _boy_ , but he couldn’t really feel much of anything in that moment. His head was pounding and his breathes were coming out ragged and his body still ached in pain, but Harry was still holding is gaze, and things really didn’t feel so bad in that moment. 

“You’ll find a way out,” Harry said, tearing Louis from his thoughts. Only a few moments had passed between Harry’s reassuring squeeze and his following words. Louis noted that Harry didn’t say something like ‘it’ll be okay, everything will be fine.’ He said _you’ll find a way out._ As if he were in a maze, and eventually, somehow, he’d get out, but not without a struggle, not without some wrong turns and dead ends. But eventually he’d get out of the mess he was in. Louis liked Harry’s wording. He liked that Harry wasn’t telling him all sorts of empty words of sympathy. 

“I hope so,” Louis croaked. “I really do want to get out,” he said, and he felt his eyes sting a little, and he hoped he wasn’t crying, but he couldn’t really tell anymore. His head was a mess. Louis asked the question without really thinking, but Louis was too naive to think anything of it. “How do  _you_  know those guys?” he said it quietly, not passing any judgment, just––curious. 

Harry chose that moment to shuffle over to the coffee table and replace Louis’s half melted ice. “Oh, well everyone knows everyone around here,” Harry said casually, as he walked toward the kitchen. 

Now it was Harry who was wondering whether to tell Louis the truth or lie easily. And for some reason Harry chose the former when Louis inquired again. 

“They were kinda shitty to you,” Louis said. “Kinda pathetic though. Grown men like them and they resorted to name calling.” And then Louis laughed a little at the memory. “‘Fairy princess whore?’” 

Harry smiled a little and then rolled his eyes. “It’s because of what I do for a living,” Harry said sitting back down, and suddenly he was looking smug and more––sexy. 

“And what’s that?” Louis asked innocently, because through the headache and painkillers he couldn’t do much thinking of his own. 

Harry’s lips curled into a smirk, “I’m a hustler.” 

And those green eyes didn’t shine anymore. They grew dark, guarded. Waiting for Louis’s reaction. 

But Louis didn’t react how he expected. Because Louis’s brain was all muddled, and so he cocked his head to the side and asked, “Hustler?” in a voice that sounded very much like a child’s. 

Harry couldn’t help letting out a barking laugh. He shook his head and swept his curls to the side. “A prostitute?” he tried again. 

And then it was Louis who was laughing. “No really, what do you do for a living?” 

Harry flicked his eyes away for a second, swallowing hard. “No, I’m serious,” he said a bit quieter than before. He could feel Louis’s eyes on him. Those intense blue eyes. And then Louis was nodding slowly. “Oh. Well that’s, er, interesting.” 

But it made sense Louis thought. The whole thing in the alley made sense now. 

“It’s not bad,” Harry said, and then his smile was back on his face and his eyes were dark and almost seductive. “It’s actually quite fun.” 

Just then Louis thought of something else. “You said you left a customer…?” 

Harry rolled his eyes. “Steven. Dick.” 

 _Steven_. “You’re gay?” Louis hadn’t meant to be so blunt about it but, well it came out that way nonetheless. 

Harry laughed. “That’s where the ‘fairy princess’ part comes in.” 

Louis couldn’t explain why he suddenly felt really happy. He felt a warmth rush through his body, and then he realized Harry had moved and was sitting beside him, arm resting against Louis’s leg. And then Louis felt his eyes begin to droop and he cursed the painkillers for making him tired. He tried to fight off the sleep, but with in minutes he was out. He dreamed of green eyes and curls and awoke quite confused when he realized he was not in his bed, but on a couch tucked under a few thin blankets. 

The first thing Louis saw after he initially opened his eyes and remembered Harry and the previous night, was a naked man. 

He was about Louis’s age, and he was standing in the kitchen, dripping wet, a towel pooled at his feet. 

“Oh hello,” the guy said, looking up from the stove and waving casually at Louis. 

Louis blinked and rubbed his head. “Hi….” 

“Harry’s in the shower. He should be out soon.” 

“Mhmm,” Louis groaned, still a bit in shock at the strangers naked body. He was fit Louis had to admit, but still, this was not quite how he had expected to wake up. 

“Zayn by the way,” the guy said. 

“Louis.” He slumped back down on the couch, head too heavy to stay up any longer. 

“Want some breakfast, Louis?” Zayn called, as if they hadn’t just met. “Oh shit! I’m naked.” 

“Really? I hadn’t noticed,” said Louis. 

“Fuck, sorry mate. I tend to forget. I’m honestly naked more than I’m not.” 

Zayn came back into Louis’s vision but this time the towel was safely wrapped around him. “You a friend of Harry’s?”

“Um….” 

“Or a customer? He doesn’t usually bring them by here though.” 

“No, no,” Louis said quickly. “Just a friend I suppose.” 

“Well, nice to meet you. I actually have to go. Crazy life of a pornstar!” And then Zayn was picking up some articles of clothing from the armchair in the corner of the room and changing right there in front of Louis. “Well I figure the damage is already done,” Zayn shrugged. 

Then he was gone, and the tiny apartment was quite, only the soft hum of running water interrupting the silence. Louis had just eaten breakfast with a pornstar. He had slept on the couch of a prostitute. He had gotten the shit beat out of him by drug dealers. Liam and Niall and his apartment seemed worlds away right now. Nothing made sense anymore. But this was Louis’s life. This was were he’d fallen. 

The water stopped. A few moments later Harry strolled into the living room, and Louis was caught off guard by his naked body. Harry didn’t notice Louis at first. He walked over to the armchair and rummaged around for a shirt and sweats. Louis couldn’t help but stare. His body was so––beautiful. Entrancing really. His torso was so long, stomach flat and skin tight over his muscles. His bum was toned and just, perfect. And his back. When he bent over to pick up a shirt that had fallen off the chair his back arched elegantly, his spine sticking out in an oddly arousing way. Harry’s eyes snapped up and locked with Louis’s. “God I didn’t know you were up,” Harry said, tensing a little before relaxing. 

Louis decided right then and there that he really wanted to touch that body. Louis couldn’t form any words for Harry. He could only stare. And Harry was aware of the wandering eyes that were tracing over him. His chest rose and fell and then he broke the eye contact with Louis and slipped into his sweats and pulled the shirt over his head. 

“Did you eat?” Harry asked, glancing over at the empty plate on the table. 

“Yeah,” Louis said finally finding his voice. “You’re mate Zayn made something for me.” 

“Good, good,” Harry muttered, crossing the room and grabbing his keys. “Look I don’t want to be a prick, but I have to go, I have––stuff to do, and well I’m gonna need to take you home.” 

“Oh, yeah, yeah, that’s fine,” Louis said quickly sitting up, and hoping the disappointment wasn’t apparent in his voice. “I’ll just go then,” he said slipping into his shoes. 

“I’ll walk you home, make sure you get back okay.” 

“You don’t have to do that,” Louis said waving a hand. “I’ve already wasted enough of your time.” 

“Stop it. Stop making yourself unimportant. If you’re going to fix yourself from whatever you’re going through then you have to actually  _care_  about yourself.”

Louis was a bit taken aback by the sudden serious words. 

Harry wasn’t sure where the words had come from. He just hated seeing someone hate themselves, especially someone like Louis who had no reason to hate himself. 

“I––” 

“Sorry. I don’t––Lets just go, okay?” Harry said opening the door.

Louis nodded and they walked down the corridor silently. Louis stopped at the elevator but Harry shook his head. “I can’t even remember the last time that thing worked.” 

So they took the stairs instead. Louis hadn’t been in the right state the previous night so he hadn’t paid much attention to the building until now. Honestly it was unlike any other apartment building Louis had ever seen. First off, it was colorful. All the doors were a different color. Bright red, or light blue. Green, yellow, purple. The walls were all brick too. And they were painted all different colors as well. When they reached the ‘loby’ Louis was a bit surprised. The whole area had been transformed into some sort of big sitting room. There was an old tv on a coffee table and an assortment of cushions and furniture sprawled around the room. A big stereo was pressed up against one wall, and all sorts of games littered the floor. By the door there was a huge sign that read “Welcome to the Lego House.” Across the room a woman sat on one of the cushions, a little girl scooped up in her arms as she sang a song. 

“Harry!” the little girl squealed at the sight of the boys coming down the stairs. The little girl ran out of the woman’s arms and wrapped her little arms around Harry’s legs. 

“Hey, Lily,” Harry said squatting down so that he was level with her. Louis watched as Harry’s face transformed from the tired one of moments before to the lively one now, eyes light and wide, a genuine smile spreading across his face. “How are you?” 

“Good!” Lily chorused. “Danielle is watching me while mama’s at work!” 

“And where’s Karl?” Harry asked, his voice going up in the way it did when talking to children. 

“Josh took him to the park, I didn’t want to go because they wanted to play boy games so Danielle said she would stay with me and we could play girl games,” Lily explained. 

“And are you being good for Danielle?” 

“Yes!”

“She’s been a  _very_  good girl,” the woman beamed, standing up. 

Harry looked up from Lily and gave Danielle a warm smile. “And how are you?” 

“I’m good, Harry,” she nodded. “You?” 

“Alright.” 

“Who are you?” the little girl asked, looking up at Louis. 

“Oh…um, I’m Louis,” he said looking down at the girl. 

“Are you Harry’s  _boyfriend_?” 

Harry let out a choking noise, and Louis’s eyes widened a little.  _Did Harry have a boyfriend?_ Louis didn’t like that thought. 

“No,” he said, “I’m just a, er, friend.” 

“Oh,” Lily said. “Well, I think you should be his boyfriend because you’re cute and you look nice and our Harry needs someone nice because sometimes he––” 

“Lily, why don’t we go back to our game and let the boys get on their way?” Danielle said placing her hands on Lily’s shoulders. 

“But I want to talk to Harry and his friend!” 

“You can talk to them later, come on,” Danielle said leading her back to the cushions. 

Harry waved goodbye and they crossed the room and exited the building. They were quiet as they walked down the block but Louis kept thinking of the little girl and the sentence she never finished.  _What does he sometimes? ‘Sometimes he’ what?_ Louis wanted to be the nice guy Lily said Harry needed. His stomach churned at the thought. Louis wanted to be  _something_  to Harry? Something to the boy he’d just met. The boy who was perhaps more messed up than himself. One had to wonder, why on earth was a boy as charming and gorgeous as Harry mixed up in such a messy world. What happened to Harry Styles that caused his eyes to go dark and his smile to lie for him? 

At some point during their walk Harry had started a conversation and Louis had carried it on, replying back to whatever they were talking about. But Louis couldn’t pay much attention to their words because their time was running out. His apartment was getting closer and closer. Closer to Liam. Closer to Niall. Closer to  _his_  world. Eventually they were back on his side of town and then they were on his street, and then they were at his gate. His apartment building was much different from Harry’s, and Harry’s expression was unreadable as he looked up at the fancy complex. 

“Well this me,” Louis said lamely. He had to think of something to say. Something to keep Harry from disappearing from his life forever. 

“Alright mate, well, good luck,” Harry said giving him a quick pat on the back. 

 _No, no, no._  “Bye,” Louis said. 

“See you,” Harry replied with a tight smile. He turned away, a final wave over his shoulder, and then his hands jammed into this pockets, and the boy with the curls was walking away. 

Louis wanted to shout after him. He wanted to give him his number, something, anything. But no words formed. Nothing was done. And just as quickly as he’d come into his life, Harry Styles had walked out. 

Louis felt hollow inside as he entered the apartment complex. The elevator ride felt like it lasted a year. He wanted to fall asleep forever, because at least in his dreams he could still see Harry. Turning the key to his apartment Louis had sleep on his mind. But when he opened the door he found Liam standing up, Niall slumped on the sofa beside him. Louis groaned. “I told you to get out of my apartment.” 

“Where the hell were you? You didn’t even take your phone!” Liam said tossing it at Louis. “We had no way of contacting you. Do you know how fucking worried we were?  Do you even  _care_?” 

“Stop yelling. I have a massive headache.” 

“So you’re still using? Fantastic. Fucking fantastic.”

“Fuck off.” 

Niall looked from Louis to Liam and back again, worry creasing his forehead. 

“Who was that guy you were with?” Liam said quietly. 

“What?” 

“We’ve been watching through the window all morning waiting for you to come back. Who’s the guy that walked you to the gate?” 

“No one,” Louis said in a monotone, because he didn’t want to tell  _Liam_  about Harry. He wanted to keep Harry to himself. He wanted to keep Harry in a little world of their own. 

“Is he you’re drug dealer?” 

“Get out of my apartment.” 

Liam smirked, and it looked all wrong on his face. “ _Fine_. We’ll leave. If you don’t want to get help then there’s nothing we can do. Have fun destroying yourself.” Liam crossed the room and Niall stood up, looking at Louis for a long moment before his eyes fell in disappointment. “Come on, Niall.” 

And then, just like that, they walked out too. And Louis was all alone in the maze with not a clue where to go next. _How long could one sit in a maze before dying?_


	2. One Night//Undo

It was three days after he’d met Harry Styles before Louis properly left his flat. He hadn’t seen Liam or Niall since, but ran into them the moment he stepped out the door.  They were leaving Liam’s place, Niall dressed in his Nandos uniform and Liam dressed all in black, as was usual attire for the club. To say the moment when they all stood facing one another was awkward would be an understatement.  

Louis wanted to look away. He wanted to run back into his flat and lock the door and never come out, but he couldn’t move. Liam stared at him through unreadable eyes, and Niall looked as though he wanted to speak but no words came out.  

For three days Louis had completely removed himself from society. He’d almost forget what human contact felt like. Those three days had felt like an awfully long time, and they had been brutal. Withdrawal was already kicking in. On day two he’d almost gone out in search of anyone willing to sell him something. But then he thought of Harry, and his words about ‘finding a way out’ and he thought of the figurative maze he’d created in his mind, and he knew that if he went looking for drugs he’d just be hitting more dead ends in the labyrinth. So he stayed clean and sober for the three days, but only just, and when he ventured out of his apartment on day three there was no avoiding the confrontation that needed to be had. In all honesty, he wasn’t mad at Niall or Liam anymore. Actually, he really never had been mad at all. The only person he was angry at was himself. And so when Liam finally said “Hey,” Louis didn’t bother to stop the tumble of apologies that came out of his mouth.  

Liam pulled him into a tight hug, and then Niall wrapped his arms around the both of them. They wanted to help him, Louis knew that. But he didn’t know how to let them in. Liam kept whispering everything was going to be okay, but Louis found himself asking  _how do you know?_ Not out loud of course. But suddenly he wished he had Harry instead of Liam, but that was stupid because Liam was his best mate and Harry was a stranger, and Liam was there, and Harry was not.  

“I need help,” Louis whispered, his voice sounding very small. Liam and Niall both nodded and gripped his shoulders, assuring him that they’d get him the help he needed. 

 “We’re going to get you cleaned up, I promise,” Liam said looking Louis dead in the eyes. “Everything’s going to be  _fine_.”  

_You’ll find a way out._  Louis heard Harry’s voice in his head and he shook himself, telling his mind to forget the boy.  

Liam steered Louis into the elevator with him and Niall, and the three of them began walking in the direction of Nandos. It was strange really. It almost felt as though the past few days hadn’t happened. As they walked they were just three mates, going about their business on a weekday. But they didn’t stop at Nandos to drop off Niall like they usually would have. They kept walking until they arrived at the local clinic. Louis followed them in a daze, and closed his fingers around the millions of pamphlets Liam was shoving in his hands. Louis gazed down at them. They were all sorts of self-help pamphlets. Cards with hotline numbers and group session dates. Brochures advertising rehab centers.  

“We’ll all take a look at these together tomorrow,” Liam said.  

Louis nodded numbly, and suddenly he felt like he couldn’t do it. Even when he was being handed a map out of the maze he couldn’t bring himself to start moving.  

*** 

The next two week were a mess of group sessions, good days and bad days mixed with all sorts of ugly withdrawal symptoms, and late nights at Liam’s eating take out and trying to find a sense of normalcy again.  

Honestly Louis didn’t mind the group sessions. They were alright for the most part. He hadn’t really talked much yet, but listening to other people helped. He had Liam and Niall looking after him, making sure he didn’t slip up, and he’d quit his job at Paradise, since working in a club was not exactly the best thing for Louis at the moment. Currently he was jobless, and he still owed a lot of money, not just to his drug dealers but also his landlord and in bills. So on Sunday night, Liam, Niall and Louis sat around looking through the newspapers for job openings.  

“What about Starbucks?” asked Niall when they had made their way through almost all the papers.  

“Oh that’s perfect!” Liam said clapping his hands together.  

“It’s the one by Nandos too!” said Niall excitedly.  

Louis shrugged, taking the newspaper from Niall and looking at the details. “I’ll call now.”  

Louis flipped over and snatched up his phone dialing the number in the paper. A woman picked up and Louis quickly asked about the job position.  

“Yes, we’re looking for someone to work the afternoon shifts, if you’re interested you can stop by and fill out an application and we can schedule an interview.”  

“Sounds good,” said Louis before thanking her and hanging up.  

“Well?” asked Niall. 

“Need to fill out an application. I’ll go by tomorrow morning.”  

“Fantastic. Good,” said Liam happily.  

Louis couldn’t help but feel a bit happy himself. It had been a pretty good day. Things were almost back to normal with him and the lads. More normal than they had been in a long time.  

The following morning Louis awoke and went straight for Starbucks. “Hello,” he said to the girl behind the counter.  

“Hello, how may I help you?”  

“Erm, I’m actually wondering if I could get an application, I heard you’re hiring.”  

“Oh yes, of course,” she bent down and rummaged around under the counter, coming back up with an application paper. “You can just fill that out and then the manager will call you for an interview.”  

Louis took the paper and was about to turn to a table so he could fill it out when a woman burst out from the door behind the counter. “Sara just quit!” she shrieked. “That’s two people down. We’re short staffed. We need someone NOW! Nikki, has anyone called about the job?” she said rounding on the girl.  

“Actually,” she said. “This guy just showed up asking for an application,” she poked her thumb at Louis.  

“Brilliant! Can you make coffee?” the woman asked, eyeing Louis.  

“Uh, yeah,” he replied tentatively.   

“Good. You’re hired.”  

Louis blinked but didn’t ask any questions as the woman tossed him an apron. Things were definitely looking up for Louis.  

That night Niall came around when his shift at Nandos was over. Niall chattered on and on about how god damn lucky Lou had gotten with the whole job situation as they walked over to Paradise to wait for Liam to get off his shift.  

It was routine. Back in the days when Louis and Liam worked together Niall would always sit around Paradise for an extra hour or so until their shifts ended. Now it was Niall and Louis. Niall looked worried though once they neared the club.  

“I’m fine,” Louis insisted. “You can keep your eyes on me the whole time, I know you just can’t keep them off me,” Louis jested.  

Niall shoved him playfully and then they entered Paradise and crossed the dance floor to the bar where Liam was mixing drinks.  

“What are you doing in here!” Liam hissed at Louis.  

Louis rolled his eyes. “I’m fine.  _Really_ ,” he added as Liam shot him a skeptical look. 

 “Alright but don’t go wandering off.” 

 “I’m going to stay right here, okay?” Louis promised.  

Liam sighed and nodded, turning to a customer. Louis looked away, his eyes scanning around the club. It was louder than he remembered. Maybe that was because he hadn’t been sober inside a club in ages. Louis was about to turn back to Niall and comment on the loudness when his eyes caught a familiar face. It was Zayn, Harry’s roommate. He was dressed really well, in black tailored suit, a pretty girl on his arm. And then all at once before he was quite prepared, Louis noticed someone else. Zayn moved towards the bar and as he moved he revealed another suited individual, all curls and green eyes. They were moving towards Louis, though neither had seen him, and Louis tried to look away, because surely neither would remember him, and it would be awkward, but he couldn’t look away, not when Harry was walking towards him.  

As an after thought Louis noticed that Harry was not with anyone, unlike Zayn, and this made Louis happy for some reason. He didn’t want to think too much about what that reason may be.  

They were really close now, and Zayn’s eyes suddenly locked on Louis and he raised his brows, a smile spreading on his face. Harry noticed Zayn’s expression and followed his gaze until he met Louis’s eyes, his face totally transforming. Green eyes lit up and his lips curled into an easy smile. They closed the final bit of distance between them and Louis, and then Harry was leaning against the counter and Louis could feel his warm breath as he said, “Hey.” 

“Hey,” Louis said quieter than he should have. 

Louis was quickly aware of Liam’s eyes trained on him and Harry, and he could almost feel the disapproving look that was probably etched on his face. 

“How’ve you been?” Harry asked, his eyes all bright and open.  

“I’ve been good, actually. You?”  

“Alright,” Harry said but his tone was stiffer than before. Louis only noticed because he seemed to always pay close attention when it came to this boy. “Been busy.”  

“Are you meeting someone here?” Louis asked. He didn’t know why he asked, because he really didn’t want to know the answer.  

He was surprised though when he didn’t receive one. “You wanna go for a walk or something?” Harry asked suddenly.  

Louis was nodding his head before he could even register the question and then Harry’s hand wrapped around Louis’s, the touch sending a shiver through his body, and Harry tugged a little, leading them away from the bar.  

“Where are you going?” Liam shouted. But Louis couldn’t be bothered to reply.  

They pushed their way through the packed bodies that gathered near the door and then cold air rushed across their faces as they broke free into the night. “God it’s a nice night,” Harry said, spreading his arms wide and throwing his head back as a cool breeze blew past.  

Louis couldn’t help but smile, a  _real_ , big smile. “It’s beautiful,” he agreed, eyes trained on the boy in front of him.  

“I want to go somewhere,” Harry said, turning around to face Louis as he continued walking backwards.  

“Where do you wanna go?”  

“Anywhere,” Harry shrugged. “Just somewhere. Somewhere new.”  

“You wanna go to my place?” Louis asked, and once again he wasn’t sure why he was saying the things he was saying.  

Harry’s eyes flickered, something stirring behind those green orbs, and then he nodded once. “Sure.”  

“Okay.”  

And then they walked. It was a short walk, and Harry seemed to remember exactly where Louis’s apartment complex was; Louis smiled to himself at that thought.  

They took the elevator up and Louis was fully aware of Harry’s eyes staring at him. Louis tried not to look at Harry because he knew he wouldn’t be able to look away. It was pathetic really how easily he’d fallen for the boy. He didn’t even know  _anything_  about him, but still, there was just something  _right_  about Harry, something that made him feel warm and happy, and better than any drug.  

Louis should have been alarmed, he should have been freaking out, having the obligatory breakdown that came with realizing that you’re not completely straight. But frankly he felt perfectly fine. Maybe a part of him always knew he wasn’t straight. Either way, he wanted Harry, he wanted to be with him in ways he probably shouldn’t.  

The elevator doors opened and Louis stepped out leading the way to his flat. He fumbled with the keys for a moment, and then swiftly opened the door for Harry to go in. Harry smiled and stepped inside, his eyes quickly sweeping the place. “Nice,” he said before strolling over to the sofa and comfortably sitting down.  

_Hmm, he doesn’t waste any time_ , Louis thought as he walked over to join Harry. Louis kind of liked Harry’s straightforwardness. It saved them from the awkward “standing around not sure of what to do” moments.  

“Can I get you a drink?” Louis asked, suddenly remembering his manners. 

“Uh, sure. Whatever you got is good.”  

Louis nodded and quickly went to the kitchen to get two waters. “Sorry, I don’t have any, er, alcohol,” Louis said handing Harry the water. “I’m not really supposed to drink, since I’m in rehab.”  

Harry nodded, “No, no, that’s fine. I don’t really drink that much either.” He gave Louis a reassuring grin, and then scooted over making a space for him on the sofa.  

Louis sat down and clicked on the TV. “Do you like football?” Louis asked, eyes focused on the television as he flicked to the sports channel. Harry was staring. Louis could feel it.  

“Hmm…Oh sure.”  

“Okay.” Louis settled back onto the sofa, brushing against Harry. “Oh, sorry.”  

Harry laughed, “You apologize a lot.”  

“Sorry.”  

Harry bit his lip and shook his head, trying not to laugh again.  

Louis really needed to look away. Harry’s eyes were all big and green and piercing right through Louis. He felt naked, like Harry could see everything going through his mind, all his feelings and desires.  

But Harry looked away first. His eyes darted down to a watch around his wrist. His brows creased, and Louis was about to ask what was the matter when the look vanished and Harry’s face was once again turned towards Louis, leaning in much closer. “So,” he said, his tone much lower and seductive, “what do you want to do?”  

“ _What_?” asked Louis, caught off guard by the sudden question and the close proximity of their bodies.  

Harry rolled his eyes. “You honestly didn’t invite me back here just to watch  _TV_. So what do you want to do? We might have to make it quick though because I may or may not have an appointment later. Depending if the guy is sober enough to actually show this time.”  

Louis’s eyes were wide and he could barely form words. “W-what?” he sputtered. “No, I mean, that’s not why I asked you here. I–I just wanted to hang–”  

Lips cut off Louis’s sentence. They were moving fast, pressing down hard. It took Louis a moment to get over the initial shock before he could reciprocate the kiss. God, Harry’s lips felt so good. Louis should have pulled away. He should have stopped it. But why would he when this is exactly what he wanted. If Harry was willing to give it to him, then who was he to say no.  

Harry’s hands where inching down to the hem of Louis’s pants as he continued the bruising kiss. Louis’s fingers went to Harry’s pants too, and the two unbuttoned each other. They broke away quickly to shrug out of their clothes and then pulled their shirts off. Their bodies magnetized back to each other once the clothing was gone and their limbs entangled, hands holding faces, fingers knotting hair and tracing up and down torsos.  

Harry pulled away from the kiss first, and Louis whimpered in protest, but was soon pacified as Harry’s lips reconnected with his skin, trailing down his neck to his torso, and lower regions. It all felt so good. Harry knew exactly what to do to pull the moans from Louis’s throat. Of course he knew what to do, it was his job after all. And in stark contrast with Harry’s skill, Louis was terribly inexperienced in the matters of sex. Sure there’d been girls in the past, but this was different. Louis had never felt so much need, so much desire to be with someone before until now. And also, this was sex with a  _boy_. He’d never done this before. In a way he felt like a virgin all over again. 

But if Harry noticed Louis’s nerves he didn’t say anything. He continued taking care of Louis, touching him in all the right ways, pressing his lips against the certain sensitive areas of Louis’s body until his breath was hitching and is fingers were knotting tightly  in Harry’s hair.  

Harry chuckled a little, smiling against Louis’s skin as Louis moaned for Harry. Eyelashes fluttered against skin, looking up Louis’s torso, until green locked with blue.  

“So, what do you want to do?” Harry asked, repeating his question from earlier, his voice all raspy from his most recent actions. There was a glint in his eye and his lips twisted into a smug little grin.  

Louis was still catching his breath, his chest rising and falling quickly as he tried to form words. “Anything.” He breathed. In. Out. “More of this.” He paused for another breath. In. Out. “ _Definitely_  more of this.” He nodded his head decidedly.  

And that was all Harry needed to hear before climbing up Louis’s torso and colliding his lips with the Louis’s and tugging their bodies up and off the couch. “Show me to your room,” he breathed against Louis’s lips.  

Louis began walking backwards in the general direction of his bedroom all the while kissing Harry, not daring to break apart in fear that Harry would change his mind and run off to find his customer that may or may not be waiting for him.  

The door was kicked open and then they crashed onto the bed, their actions becoming clumsier and hurried. Their naked bodies slid against each other, both boys touching and exploring. Time was frozen in those moments, Louis forgot all about his problems, the drugs, rehab, his debts, and his family. Everything felt so simple with Harry. The walls of the maze melted away in those moments there in Louis’s bedroom. Or maybe he was still stuck in the maze, but had found a companion, someone to distract him, to help him forget that he was actually stuck. Maybe this companion could lead him out. Maybe together they could find the exit in this monumental labyrinth of life.  

Louis’s thoughts were scattered as he felt Harry thrust inside him. One moment he was thinking of mazes, and the next he wasn’t thinking of anything at all. The sensations coursing through is body were so unlike anything he’d ever felt. His lips were allowing all sorts of noises to escape, and his eyelids were fluttering open from time to time just to watch Harry, everything felt almost dreamlike, unreal. It wasn’t anything like he’d expected, sleeping with a prostitute. It was…quite nice.  

When Harry collapsed beside Louis, his face was aglow with a big smile as he caught his breath. Louis was still recovering from his orgasm as he turned to face Harry. Harry looked at him, and the eye contact was intense. They didn’t speak for a few moments, but there were things being felt as they held each other’s gazes. Things were stirring deep inside. Things that could not be voiced because it was too dangerous.  

“That was your first time, wasn’t it?” Harry asked, smiling faintly.   

“With a guy, yeah,” Louis smiled, biting his lip.  

Harry inched a little closer, “Was it alright?”  

“It was better than alright,” Louis breathed.  

Harry was very close now, foreheads almost touching. He closed his eyes and leaned forward gently nudging his forehead against Louis’s, letting out an inaudible sigh, when  suddenly a loud noise blared through the apartment. It was coming from the living room, and Harry groaned before quickly withdrawing away from Louis and jumping off the bed. “My phone,” he said simply, before vanishing through the door.  

Louis sighed and flung his arm over his eyes, listening hard as Harry answered the phone. He squeeze his eyes shut and prayed and wished and hoped it wouldn’t be that customer Harry had been talking about earlier. He didn’t want Harry to go off and fuck another guy, not after everything they’d just done together. But Louis mentally slapped himself. It surely meant absolutely nothing to Harry. Just another fuck. A quickie before his next appointment. And Louis suddenly felt very stupid for ever thinking, even if just for a moment, that it could’ve been more.  

Harry’s voice was growing closer, and though it was low and speaking in a hurried manner, Louis could still hear him, though not make out any words. The door opened, and Harry was hanging up, now fully dressed.  

“I have to go,” he said suddenly without preamble.  

“Now?” Louis said faintly.  

Harry nodded.  

“You can’t stay?”  

Harry shook his head. “Sorry. It’s urgent.”  

“What is it?”  

“Nothing, I just…have to go.”  

Harry sighed, and his expression looked a little tense. Louis tried searching his face, but Harry quickly masked anything that might have been written there. Once again, Louis wanted to say anything to make him stay. Anything that would keep him there, in his life, for just a bit longer. He needed to say something, he didn’t want this to end like this,  he didn’t want to become one of many on the list of Harry’s One Night Stands. But he couldn’t find the words. He could never find the words when it came to Harry Styles. And so he simply nodded, and watched as Harry waved goodbye, and exited the apartment, leaving Louis all alone, and quite lost in his personal maze, again.  

This time he knew he wouldn’t be seeing Harry Styles again. Because there was no way fate could be so kind as to grace him with yet another miracle. 


	3. Miss You

Louis awoke on Sunday, six days post sex with Harry, to a massive headache, and absolutely no will to get out of bed. It was going to be a bad day, Louis could tell. They’d talked about these things in group, about all the things he would experience in his recovery. The first two weeks had been brutal with withdrawals, but now he was entering the stage referred to as post-acute withdrawal. From now on he would be on a roller coaster of good days and bad days, and Louis groaned, not quite sure he was up to facing a bad day.  

Still, Louis managed to get out of bed and call Liam, because it was important that he communicated with his friends, so that they could help him on the bad days. Minutes later both Liam and Niall were strolling into the flat, fussing over Louis.  

“I’ll make you some breakfast,” Liam said, entering the kitchen.  

“You should go take a shower, start the day fresh,” Niall suggested.  

Louis nodded his head sleepily and accepted all the help from his friends because, quite honestly, he wasn’t feeling particularly strong at all. He walked slowly to the bathroom, telling himself that he’d take the day bit by bit, like they talked about in group. There would be days when he’d feel strong and confident, and other days when he’d feel weak and want to use. But he couldn’t go back, he couldn’t disappoint Liam and Niall.  

He took a deep breath and hopped into the shower. When he was all cleaned up he ate  some of the breakfast Liam had prepared, and then sat himself on the sofa, staring at the television with little interest.  

“You wanna go out, Lou?” Liam asked gently.  

“Not really.”  

“We can go to the arcade. You love the arcade,” Niall said trying to sound enthusiastic.  

“I don’t really feel like it,” Louis said without looking away from the television.  

“Come on, Lou. You can’t be all cooped up in here. It’s not healthy,” said Liam, flopping down beside his friend.  

“I just feel shitty, okay? I don’t want to do anything today. I just want to sit, eat, and watch crappy television.”  

“Alright, but call us if you need  _anything_. I mean it.”  

“Yeah, I have to go fill a shift at Nandos but if you need something don’t you dare fucking hesitate, you got that Tommo?”  

Louis smiled and rolled his eyes, “Yes, yes, I know. I’ll let you know if I need something.”  

“Promise?” 

“ _Yes_ ,” Louis sighed, exasperated. “I promise, Liam.”  

“Good.”  

Liam patted Louis on the shoulder and then he and Niall left, and Louis sat and watched his crappy television for three hours without much interruption.  

When his phone started blaring, he was ready to shout at Liam for checking up on him, but then he looked at the caller ID and paled. He had deleted the number from his contacts, one of the first things they told him to do at group, but he still recognized it, knew it like the back of his hand. Louis sat staring at the phone, not sure of what to do. He was feeling so horrible, he was feeling weak, and his escape was right there on the other end of the phone. All he had to do was pick up…. 

Louis tossed the phone across the room and buried his head in his hands, letting out a little sob, fingers twisting around his hair and pulling it a little in frustration. The phone finally stopped ringing and then the bluish glow of the screen disappeared and Louis sat for some time sobbing into his hands.  

He knew Allan was probably calling about the money he still owed, but still, seeing his number, on a bad day, wasn’t making things any easier for Louis. The prickling urge to use, to escape, was itching, but the rest of Louis was fighting. He didn’t want to fall back into that cycle. He wanted to get out of the maze, not further lost in it. 

And so, he called Liam, because had he promised he would.  

***

Louis got out of bed the next day feeling loads better. Not quite a hundred percent, but definitely stronger than the previous day.  

Louis showered, dressed, and made himself breakfast before Liam and Niall even had a chance to make it over to Louis’s place. When they finally strolled in at half past eight Louis was ready to face the new day.  

“Hello,” he greeted with a smile.  

“Hey, Lou,” said Liam.  

“Feeling better?” Niall asked, helping himself to some leftover breakfast.  

“Yeah, actually,” Louis nodded, slipping into his favorite pair of Toms. “I have work today, so I better get going.”  

“We’ll walk you,” Liam said, pulling the door open.  

They walked to Starbucks and Niall stayed while Liam went to class at Uni. Niall was a mess when it came to school. He still didn’t know what he was majoring in, and he’d taken all his required classes last year, so this year was just a mix of random classes like cooking and music theory and intro to photography. All of which he conveniently didn’t have on a Monday.  

“ _So_ ,” Niall said sitting on the counter. “What’s up?”  

“If you don’t get off the counter my boss is going to kill me,” Louis said as he started up the coffee machines.  

“Awwh come on, no one’s even here yet,” Niall whined as he hopped off the counter.  

“Still. I’d like to keep my job.”  

Niall rolled his eyes and slumped down into a chair. “So anyways, what’s up?”  

“Nothing,” Louis snapped, getting a little annoyed at Niall’s pestering. “You know what’s up, you’ve been with me everyday for the past three weeks.”  

“So, nothing new?” 

“Niall!”  

Niall shrugged. “So you’re not gonna tell me who that guy is?”  

Louis pinched the bridge of his nose. “ _What_  guy, Niall?” 

“The one from the other night, at Paradise. You two kind of ran off and Liam had a fit but we haven’t said anything because we don’t want to upset you and you don’t look like you’ve been using or anything so we figure he’s harmless but Liam still doesn’t like him very much but I’m the cool best friend so you can tell me about him if you want,” Niall said all in one breath.  

Louis sighed.  _Harry_. It had been seven whole days since that night, since the night they’d slept together. And of course he hadn’t heard from him, and he wasn’t  _expecting_  to hear from him either. It seemed pretty clear when Harry left in quite a hurry that night that the whole thing had meant nothing. And that was perfectly fine. Louis was perfectly fine with that. Harry hadn’t even charged him for the whole affair, that’s how little it meant. So Louis vowed to himself to forget the boy with the curls. It was for the best really. He’d been doing pretty well on the blocking-Harry-out-of-his-mind game, that is until now.  

“He’s no one,” Louis said quietly, turning back to the coffee machines. The truth of the matter was that Louis  _missed_  him. He missed the boy he barely knew, the boy who’d touched him in ways he’d never been touched before, the boy who had made him feel things he’d never felt before. Louis had been trying for seven days to block out Harry Styles, but at the end of the day it was always Harry who visited his dreams.  

“He didn’t seem like no one,” Niall said getting up and coming to Louis’s side. “Is he a friend? Someone you knew from…before? Because I was reading those pamphlets and they said that you need to like start a new life and stuff to recover and if he’s one of the guys you used to use with or something then maybe you shouldn’t be––”  

“I’ve never used with Harry,” Louis said cutting Niall off.  

“So he has a name now? Harry?” Niall said raising a brow. “Do tell more.”  

Louis exhaled and set down the coffee filters that he’d been struggling to get into the machine. “Look there’s nothing to tell, alright. He’s just a guy, a guy that I met and that I’m trying to forget. Which you’re making quite difficult to do with all your questions about him.”  

“Why are you trying to forget him, Lou?”  

“Because…I fancy him, alright?” Louis plopped down in a chair and ran his hands over his face and then turned to his friend to see his reaction to this new piece of information.  

Niall didn’t seem very shocked. “Well what’s wrong with fancying the guy? You two seemed pretty chummy when you were at the club. He probably likes you too, if he swings that way.”  

“He does.”  

“Then what’s the problem?”  

“We slept together.”  

Niall’s mouth dropped. “ _What_?”   

“And he’s a prostitute.”  

Niall blinked. “Again,  _what_?”  

“And I am not kidding.”  

Niall stared at Louis for a second more, and then his lips twitched and he erupted into a loud, boisterous laugh. “Good one, Lou,” he said clapping his hands. “Fucking A+. You almost had me there for a second. Shit, I almost forgot how much you used to joke. God I’ve missed you.”  

“Thanks mate. But as much as I wish I were joking, I’m actually not.”  

Niall’s smile faded as he realized Louis was being serious. “Shit.”  

“Yup.”  

“You have the worst luck, mate. Of all the guys in the world you go and fall for a prostitute.”  

“I haven’t ‘fallen’ for anyone. I just…like him.”  

“And what is it you ‘like’ so much about this guy? His amazing deal on blow jobs? Two for one discounts?”  

“Hey! It’s not like that,” Louis said slapping Niall on the shoulder. “He’s a  _person_ , you know.”  

“I’m sorry, I’m a dick. But I just, why  _him_?”  

Louis sighed.  _Why him?_ That was as good a question as any. All the guys in the world, so why Harry? There was no easy explanation. Harry just seemed to have fallen out of the sky and right into Louis’s life. “He kind of saved my life,” Louis said.  

“Really?” Niall said with a curious expression. “How’d he do that?”  

“Remember the night after Liam found me and then I ran out on him?”  

“Yeah,” Niall nodded. “We went out looking for you til like three in the bloody morning and then stayed up waiting for you to come back.”  

“Right, well I went over to the other side of town, down where Babylon is. I was going to get more drugs from my dealers. But then they decided that they were going to beat me up instead. Because I owed them money. But then Harry came out of nowhere and he told them to fuck off and he brought me back to his place and took care of me and let me crash there. And I don’t know, he just, he was like an angel or something.”  

“So that’s where you were that night? Why didn’t you  _tell_  us he saved you? Liam wouldn’t have given you shit and blown up on you! Christ, Louis.”  

“I just, I wanted to keep Harry to myself. I wanted him to be something special,” Louis said looking down at his hands. “But it doesn’t matter now,” he said, quickly getting up. “He’s gone. It’s all over. And I need to move on with my life.”  

“Why’s it over though?”  

“Niall, he’s a  _prostitute_. The sex we had meant  _nothing_  to him. He practically ran off as soon as it was over.”  

“And you haven’t heard from him since?”  

“Nope,” Louis said, finally getting the filters in the coffee machine. “He’s probably forgotten all about me by now.”  

The little bell above the door clinked and the first customers of the day began strolling in for their morning coffee. Louis turned to face the customers, putting on his best smile, and hoping that the topic of Harry Styles would finally be put to rest for good.  

***

Louis’s shift ended at noon, and he set out to go visit Niall, who had left for Nandos a few hours go. He was almost at the restaurant when he spotted him. Leaning against a building, smoking a cigarette and looking just as unpleasant as ever, his friend by his side smoking his own cigarette.   

Louis felt the panic rise inside him, he needed to get away before they spotted him. He turned quickly on the spot, deciding to go back to Starbucks, when the two men called out to him.  

“Tommo! There you are.”  

Louis swallowed hard and turned back slowly as the two figures advanced towards him. “We’ve been lookin’ for you. I gave you a call last night.”  

“I–I’m afraid I haven’t checked my phone yet, sorry.”  

Allan came closer, face just inches away from Louis’s. “’S alright,” he slurred.  

“You’re little friend helped you out,” Carlos said from beside Allan.  

“What?” Louis asked, suddenly confused.  

“The princess whore,” Allan elaborated. “He took care of everything, I just wanted to let you know. You’re all good, the debts have been paid. And you can go on your merry little way now, go be clean and join the respectable ranks of society. Whatever. We don’t really care.” Allan flicked his cigarette butt to the side and he and Carlos shoved past a speechless Louis, leaving him standing there rooted to his spot.  

_What the hell had just happened?_  Louis couldn’t process it all.  _Were they seriously letting him go? No more hassling him? Just like that?_ It didn’t make sense. He owed so much, and they had been so angry with him and–-Harry had taken care of everything for him. That’s what Allan said. Louis ran his hand through this hair. He had to find Harry. He had to find out what the hell he did to get Allan and Carols to drop everything.  

It seemed like the topic of Harry Styles would never be put to rest.  

***

Louis stood outside Lego House, debating whether or not he wanted to go in. It seemed like the right thing to do twenty minutes ago when he’d decided to make the trip over, but now he wasn’t so sure. What on earth was he supposed to say? What if Harry didn’t want to see him? Or what if he wasn’t even home?  

But he had to talk to Harry. He had to ask him why he would go and take care of Louis’s problems for him, especially since they were still practically strangers.  

Louis took a deep breath and opened the front door, entering Lego House. He’d forgotten about the sitting room that resided where the entrance hall should have been, and so he was momentarily thrown off guard when he saw a bunch of people all gathered in the room.  

Their heads all snapped up to face Louis, and he suddenly felt like a deer caught in headlights, unable to move. But then he recognized one of the faces and his tension dissipated a bit.  

“Hey there,” greeted the girl that Louis remembered to be named Danielle.  

“Hey,” Louis said finally, smiling and giving a wave. “I, uh, was wondering…Is Harry here?”  

“I’m afraid he’s gone out, sorry.”  

“Oh.” Louis tried not to look too disappointed. “Well, do you know when he’ll be back?”  

“No, again I’m sorry. You’re welcome to stay and hangout a bit until he gets back though,” she smiled, patting at a spot on the ground.  

Louis shrugged.  _What the hell. It’s not like he had any other plans._  

Louis sat down and Danielle began introducing the others. “This is Josh, and Sandy, and Eleanor, my roommate. Guys, this is Louis. A friend of Harry’s.”  

They all waved and greeted Louis, and then very quickly everyone settled and there wasn’t a single awkward moment, which was unusual for Louis, since there always seemed to be awkward moments when meeting new people. But there hadn’t been any when he met Harry, and there weren’t any now. Maybe it was something about Lego House that just made everything so simple.  

The group lounged around, watching TV on the beat up television and talking about random topics like the latest celebrity gossip, sports games, and music. 

“Babylon really needs to get a better DJ,” Josh complained, quiet out of the blue.  

“Not this again,” Danielle said, rolling her eyes. “I swear he brings up Babylon’s DJ issues every five minutes or something,” she said turning to Louis.  

Louis was confused to Danielle for further explanation.  

“Josh works at Babylon,” she said. “Sandy too.”  

“We dance,” Sandy said.  

“Go Go Dancers,” Josh added, waggling his eyebrows.  

Louis let out a barking laugh. “That’s fantastic.”  

“We’re also part time strippers. You know, on the side,” said Sandy.  

Louis shook his head, still laughing. These days, nothing came as a surprise. He knew pornstars, prostitutes, drug dealers, and now apparently Go Go dancing strippers.  

“El and I dance too,” Danielle chimed in. “Not strippers though,” she said with a little smirk. “Just, ehm, exotic dancers.”  

“Fucking good dancers too!” Josh exclaimed.  

Danielle and Eleanor burst out into a fit of giggles and Louis couldn’t help but laugh along with them.  

“I work at Starbucks!” Louis cheered, before they all erupted into more laughter. 

They were all such an interesting cast of characters. And yet so very normal. Once upon a time Louis may have judged people of their like, wrinkled a nose at their choice of professions, but after one’s been through so much, hit their own personal rock bottom, it’s hard to judge others. In that moment with the other four Louis felt really great. He’d forgotten how much he used to love socializing and meeting new people.  

The group carried on, Josh going back to discussing the ever so important DJ issue,  while the others all poked fun at him for being such a diva about the whole thing in the first place. Then, about half an hour later a bubbling ball of energy came running down the stairs and straight into Danielle’s arms.  

“Hello, Lily!”  

“Hi!” she exclaimed, jumping up and down. “Watchyou doing?”  

“Just relaxing. What are you up to, princess?”  

“Nothing. Mama said I could come down and play. Can we play?”  

“We sure can!”  

“Yay!” Lily clapped her hands, turning around. Her eyes widened at the sight of Louis, and she stopped her clapping and gasped. “It’s you!” she squealed, pointing. “You’re Harry’s friend.”  

Louis nodded. “Yeah.”  

“Are you here to see Harry?”  

“Yeah, but he’s not here yet.”  

“Ohh. Are you going to ask him to be your boyfriend?”  

“Lily!” Danielle scolded. 

“What?” Lily shrugged innocently. “I was just asking.”  

“How about we go play that game?”  

“Alright! Louis, you wanna play?”  

“Sure.”  

Lily held out her hand and Louis took it, allowing her to lead him over to a shelf full of board games. “Which do you want to play first?” Lily asked him.  

“Definitely Candy Land. My favorite.”  

“That one’s my favorite too!” Lily giggled.  

Louis was suddenly reminded of his little sisters and how they always used to play together. He missed them so much. He wished they all hadn’t drifted apart over the past few years. Just another thing he’d messed up, and desperately wished to fix.  

“Come on, let’s play!” Lily sang, tugging Louis away from his thoughts.  

They spent about two hours playing all sorts of games. Lily won most of them, and Louis came in second. Danielle though was horrible at board games.  

“I win again!” Lily exclaimed as her game piece made it to the end of the board.  

“Woohoo!” Louis cheered, giving her a high five. “And Danielle loses. Again.”  

Danielle stuck out her tongue and collected all the pieces back into the game box.  

Lily hopped onto Louis’s lap as Danielle crossed the room to organize the game shelf.  

“So, why are you waiting for Harry? Are you two going to go somewhere?” Lily asked softly, once Danielle was out of earshot.  

“No, I just have to talk to him about something.”  

“About what?” Lily chirped, tilting her head to the side.  

“Just some stuff I want to ask him.”  

“Are you going to ask him to––”

“No,” Louis smiled. “I am not going to ask him to be my boyfriend, silly.”  

“But why  _not_? Isn’t that what people do when they like someone?”  

“Well, sometimes. But not all the time.”  

“Well  I think you should. He’s been sad a lot lately and I don’t want him to be sad anymore.”  

Louis’s brows furrowed. “What do you mean he’s been sad lately?”  

“He gets sad sometimes. Mommy and Danielle call it something…I can’t remember the name. And I cuddle with him and sing him songs and play games to make him smile. And sometimes he gets boo boos so I fix them with band aids and kisses. But now he’s sad again and his eyes don’t smile anymore.”  

Louis’s heart sank at the thought of Harry being hurt and upset. Harry who’s smile took over his face, and who’s eyes were so bright and transfixing. Louis wanted to ask Lily more about Harry, but before he could even form a question, he was interrupted by the front door opening.  

“Zayn!” Lily shouted, jumping out of Louis’s arms and running for Zayn’s.  

“Hey, Lils!” Zayn crushed Lily in a big hug and then looked up and noticed Louis. “Hey, mate.”  

“Hey,” Louis said getting to his feet.  

Zayn sighed, “You’re waiting for Harry, aren’t you?”  

“Um, yeah. I need to talk to him about something,” Louis said.  

“Well I wouldn’t bother. He’s not gonna be home tonight so you might as well go home and come back another––”  

The front door banged open and a slopping wet Harry stumbled over the threshold. “Bloody pouring out there,” he called as he shut the door, his speech just a bit slurred.  

“Harry,” Louis breathed all too quickly before he could stop himself.  

Harry spun around at the sound of his voice, brows furrowed in confusion. “Not you,” he mumbled. “What are you doing here?” he asked louder, and Louis was taken aback by the harsh undertone to his voice.  

“I––I came by to talk to you,” Louis stuttered, suddenly feeling very small, and very, very stupid.  

“ _Talk_  to me? About what?”  

“Well to ask you something, really,” Louis stammered quickly.  

“What do you want to ask me, then?” Harry asked, his voice ticking impatiently.  

“I––”  

“Speak up? Christ, I don’t have time for this! Look, Louis, you can’t just come here. This is  _my_ place,  _my_  side of the world. I’ve had a shit day and I’m tired, and if I wanted to talk to you I would have talked to you but I don’t. So please just go home, okay?”  

“Harry!”  

Harry turned to the sound of the voice and noticed Danielle and Zayn standing by the staircase, Lily poking out from behind their legs. “Don’t talk to him like that,” Danielle snapped. “He’s been here all day, waiting for you to come back and all he wants to do is ask you a bloody question so let him ask god dammit. We all have shit days, Harry. That doesn’t give you the right to take it out on others.”  

Harry exhaled and turned back to Louis, eyes still hard. “Fine. What do you want, Louis?” Harry asked, his tone softening a bit.  

“I just––What did you do to get Allan and Carlos to back off?” 

Harry was silent for a few moments, and then he tore his eyes away from Louis and looked down at his feet. “Don’t worry about it, Louis. It was nothing.”  

“Please, Harry. Just tell me what you had to do.”  

Harry let out a breath and met Louis’s eyes. “Can’t you just leave it. Please.”  

“Did you pay them off? Because if you did then I’ll pay you back––”  

Harry shook his head. “No,” he croaked. “Honestly, Louis, you’re a smart guy. Figure it out. What do you  _think_  I did?”  

Louis’s heart sank a little, and deep down inside he’d known all along what Harry had done, but part of him had hoped he was wrong. “You really didn’t have to do anything for me,” he said softly.  

“Well I did.”  

“Thanks.”  

Harry swallowed hard and then cleared his throat, “Can you please leave now?” he said quietly.  

“Sure,” Louis nodded. And this time it was he who walked away, instead of Harry.  


	4. I'm Glad I'm Not You

A day past. A day was a long time in Louis’s books. A day could be the difference between staying clean or relapsing. A lot can happen in a day. A person’s whole life could be changed. But the day that bridged Louis’s Monday encounter with Harry and Louis’s next day of work on Wednesday was particularly uneventful. Nothing happened. It wasn’t it a good day, and it wasn’t a bad day. It was just a day, the first day of many where Louis would no longer think of the stranger he’d met in an alleyway on the wrong side of town, three weeks previous.  

But if he were being honest, he spent most of Tuesday doing the exact opposite of what he’d promised to do. He thought of Harry, a lot. Mostly he wondered why Harry had been so angry the previous night, so angry with  _him_. Was it really just a shit day that had boiled over and Louis just happened to be there when Harry finally cracked, or was it something more? Something deeper? Then there was little Lily and all her talk about Harry being upset. What was all that about? Louis didn’t want to think too much about it, and he didn’t want to think about how he may fit into the equation,  _if_  he fit in at all. But Louis still mused, still wondered about Harry, about his life, about the things he did, the people he spent his nights with, and what had led him to where he was now. Louis wanted to understand Harry, he wanted to know Harry in ways no one else did. It was stupid, he was being stupid, falling for a boy he hardly knew. Falling and falling with no hope of getting back up.  

Tuesday passed, eventually. Long, long Tuesday. And when Louis awoke on Wednesday he vowed to put Harry Styles behind him once and for all. It was really starting to get unhealthy, almost like a  _new_  addiction.  

With this new resolution in mind, Louis crawled out of bed, showered, and dressed.  

He cursed as he glanced at the clock, it was nearly 8:30 and he had to open Starbucks today. His shifts were sporadic, they were still short staffed, but he didn’t really mind, a job was a job, and he desperately needed the money. 

Louis quickly grabbed his keys and phone, and rushed out the door, bumping into Liam in the process.  

“What are you doing up so early?” Louis teased. “Early class?”  

“Nah,” said Liam, falling into step beside Louis as they approached the elevator. “I haven’t slept yet actually.”  

Louis’s brows shot up. “Really? And where has Mr. Payne been all night?”  

Liam rolled his eyes. “I was working on my term paper down at the library until nearly 4:00am, then I came home and couldn’t sleep. Now I’m going to get coffee because tea just wont do at the moment, and yes, I have a class in two hours and I’m completely shot.”   

Louis laughed. Typical Liam. “Well I know a place that sells coffee and conveniently will be open in, oh––” Louis glanced down at his watch, “about ten minutes.”  

“Awesome. Take me there, Tomlinson!”  

Louis made Liam his coffee before the flood of morning customers invaded the small shop. Once they started filing in there was no use in Liam sticking around, since Louis had his hands full, and the two wouldn’t be able to chat or hangout at all. Liam thanked Louis for the coffee and then ducked out of the shop while Louis dealt with the morning chaos, which he’d already become accustomed to. 

His four hour shift went by quickly, save for the last hour. And the reason why that last hour went by so slow was thanks to a curly haired boy who just seemed unable to go away, no matter how hard Louis tried to forget him. Though this time, it wasn’t Louis’s fault that he was thinking of the boy, because it’s hard  _not_  to think of someone when they’re standing right across the street.  

Louis was quite shocked when he looked up from the magazine he’d been idly flipping through to find Harry standing across the street, staring straight through the window and right at Louis. Thank god he wasn’t making coffee or something or else he would have probably dropped it. This seemed to be a common occurrence now. Just when Louis decides he’s done with all things Harry related, the boy in question always seems to pop up.  

There were a few moments of blinking, where Louis tried to make sure this was all real, a few pinches to the arm to ensure it wasn’t a dream. And then he asked, quite vocally, “What the _hell_?” A lady sitting close by shot him a weird look. Louis didn’t notice. He was too busy having incredibly intense eye contact with Harry through the window and with a whole street separating them.  _What was Harry doing here?_  Harry had made it quite clear the previous night that he didn’t want to see Louis anymore, and yet here he was, at Louis’s place of employment, which, on top of everything, Louis had never mentioned to Harry. They continued to stare, Harry didn’t look away, and Louis wouldn’t have either, had it not been for the slightly annoyed customers that were queueing up, waiting for their orders.  

And so the next hour passed slowly, with Louis continuously aware of the fact that Harry was standing outside the shop watching him. Customers came and went, and finally Nicole arrived at 1:00 to take over the next shift. Louis couldn’t get out of his apron fast enough. Nicole stared at him as he fumbled, trying to pull the garment off.  

“In a hurry?”  

“Huh?” Louis asked, distractedly, checking his pockets for his phone and keys.  

“You have somewhere to be?”  

“Sort of…” Louis said quickly glancing out the window to make sure Harry was still there. He was. In fact he was crossing the street towards the cafe.  

“Ah. I see,” Nicole smirked, following Louis’s trail of vision. “He’s cute,” she said trying to hide her smug grin. “Boyfriend?”  

“Wha––? No!” Louis said quickly. _Was he really that obviously gay?_  

“Alright, alright, whatever you say,” Nicole said holding up her hands in defeat. “But you’ve got some major heart eyes, mate.”  

Louis rolled his eyes and turned towards the door. Harry was standing right outside it. Louis’s heart pounded, he hoped to god Nicole was wrong about the heart eyes. The last thing he needed was to look like some love sick puppy, especially since Harry seemed like the kind of guy who didn’t ‘do’ love, so to speak. “See you later, Nikki,” Louis waved quickly, before pulling the door open.  

He stepped outside into the bright sunlight, squinting and turning to face Harry, who stood leaning against the wall beside the door. Harry looked up and nodded in Louis’s direction. “Hey,” he said casually, before kicking off the wall and walking down the sidewalk.  

Louis was momentarily puzzled, and stood frozen in front of the door, staring after Harry. Harry turned around and rolled his eyes. “Are you coming or what?”  

“Where exactly are we  _going_?” Louis asked, finally finding his voice.  

“I don’t know, there’s this arcade Zayn was telling me about. It’s close by.”  

Louis knew the arcade. He and Niall spent endless days in there their freshman year of Uni, and Liam had occasionally made a guest appearance. Louis hadn’t been to the arcade in a long while, not since the spiral.  

He found himself nodding, and following Harry down the sidewalk until they were walking side by side. Louis had a million things he wanted to ask Harry, but instead they settled into a comfortable silence, and in many ways the silence spoke more than any amount of words could. Harry didn’t have to explain anything to Louis, because just the fact that Harry was walking beside him now proved that he’d never really been angry with him. There was no need for apologies.  

But Harry did apologize anyway.  

They were nearing the arcade when Harry abruptly stopped and turned to face Louis, his face looking tired, and his eyes not as bright as usual. “Look, Louis, about the other night––”  

“It’s fine, you don’t have to say anything,” Louis said holding up a hand.  

“No, it’s not fine. I was being a dick. It wasn’t your fault that I had a bad day. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.” 

“It’s fine.”  

“No, it’s really not,” Harry said again, shaking his head. “You, you’re a really good guy. I don’t really meet people like you all that often.”  

Louis swallowed hard, and tried not to say anything stupid. But by God it was difficult when Harry was staring at him like that, green eyes all open and big.  

“I felt bad after you left,” Harry continued on, taking no notice to how overwhelmed Louis was becoming. “I wanted to go after you and apologize, but I was still feeling pretty angry. I don’t know why I was so angry at you,” he said quietly. “I was going to go find you yesterday, but then I got busy, and it was pretty late by the time I had a free moment…” he trailed off.  

Louis was nodding slowly, and then he cleared his throat and asked the only question that he seemed able to voice, the only question he probably could care less about compared to all the others swimming around in his head. “How’d you know I work at Starbucks?”  

Harry let out a barking laugh. “Oh god, you probably think I’m a total stalker, don’t you? Christ. Um, yeah Danielle told me. You mentioned it to her the other day I think.”  

Right. Louis remembered now. “Oh, okay,” he smiled.  

“Yeah, Danielle’s kind of the one who convinced me to come find you,” Harry said, pulling open the arcade door. “Said I needed more friends.”  

Louis laughed, and found himself wrapping an arm around Harry’s shoulders as they stepped into the arcade.  

They spent a good couple of hours playing all sorts of games, and talking about nothing.  Harry told Louis tons of stories about the weirdos he encounters on a day to day basis, about the best club fights, and the most pathetic customers. Louis squirmed uncomfortably at first when Harry talked about basically all the sex he had, but after a while Louis couldn’t be bothered to care much, because all the others were faceless people, and Harry wasn’t spending time in an arcade with  _them_.  

And to be honest, a lot of the stories were pretty great.  

“The worst are the really old pervs, like have you ever seen an old dick? It ain’t pretty. But whatever, a customer is a customer. But ugh, giving head to wrinkly dicks is the worst. I hate it. I can deal with fucking one, but sucking on one? Nasty shit.”  

Louis laughed, but said he couldn’t really sympathize with him.  

“Well good. If you ever go into prostitution, stay away from the old dicks.”  

After the arcade they went out for a bite to eat. Harry had suggested Nandos, which was close by, but Louis knew Niall would be working today, and so he swerved them in the opposite direction and ended up in a cozy little pizza shop.  

They ate, and talked some more, and everything was great until the phone rang.  

“Appointments,” Harry stated. “Sorry. I have to go. But––We should do this again.”  

Louis agreed, hoping this time he’d be seeing Harry sooner than usual.  

He did see Harry soon. The following day in fact. 

Just like the previous day, Harry showed up outside Starbucks, waiting patiently across the street for the last hour of Louis’s shift, and then they were off to a new place.  

“There’s this really cool theater on the other side of town, they show all these really like indie films. You wanna go?” Harry asked as they walked aimlessly through London.  

Louis shrugged and nodded. “Yeah lets do it.”  

Harry’s face broke into a grin and he took Louis’s wrist to pull him along.  

The next few days followed a similar pattern. Harry always waited for Louis to get off work, and then they would go on another adventure, to a different, obscure little place in London. Louis began telling Harry all about his rehab and group sessions, and in turn Harry would open up a little bit about his own life, though their conversations always stayed light, they never talked about heavy stuff.  

When Monday rolled around, it finally hit Louis that he and Harry had spent every day of an entire week together, which to most people kind of meant they were now definitely friends. But Louis still did not have Harry’s number, and so he decided he would ask for it.  

They were sitting on a park bench staring up at the wind blowing through the trees when Louis brought up the topic. He cleared his throat to get Harry’s attention, and Harry turned his head to the side, still tipped back from looking up at the sky. “What’s up?”  

“Um, well,” Louis stammered, “You see, tomorrow is Tuesday.”  

Louis awkwardly paused, and Harry blinked before nodding. “Yeah, okay, tomorrow’s Tuesday. And?”  

Louis swallowed. “Right, okay, so tomorrow’s Tuesday, and I don’t work on Tuesdays, so I won’t be at Starbucks.”  

“Oh.” Harry sat up and looked down at his hands. “So we won’t be hanging out then?”  

“No, wait, yes. I mean,” Louis bit his lip, “I mean you can come around my place instead. Just give me a call when you plan on coming round and we’ll go somewhere from there.”  

Harry’s eyes widened a little, but he nodded, and then fished into his pockets, producing his cell phone. “Put your number in,” he said, tossing it to Louis.  

Louis tapped away at the keypad, adding a new contact, and then gave the phone back to Harry.  

“Hold on,” Harry said, his own fingers now moving against the keys.  

Seconds later there was a buzz in Louis’s pocket, and he withdrew his own cell phone to find a text from an unfamiliar number.  

_Hi, it’s Harry :P_  

Louis let out a laugh and then met Harry’s smiling face. “I added a little P face see!” Harry said pointing at the screen.  

“Yes, I see,” Louis said pursing his lips in an effort not to giggle.  

Louis quickly saved the number and then the two hopped off the bench and ran through the park and back to civilization.  

Harry walked Louis back to the gates of his apartment complex, and the two said their usual goodbyes, which weren’t really goodbyes, but more of quick ‘see you laters,’ because they  _would_ be seeing each other, and actually much sooner than later.  

_***_  

The next morning Louis woke up feeling not too great.  

“It’s a bad day,” Liam stated, and Louis nodded. Liam sighed and lowered himself down onto the sofa beside Louis. “Take it step by step, yeah?” Louis nodded again. “And call if you need anything. Take it easy. Call Niall if I don’t pick up for whatever reason. Okay?”  

“Okay.”  

“Okay. Yeah, okay,” Liam got up and gave Louis a quick hug. “I’ll be in school most of the day, but I’ll swing by later with some dinner?”  

“Sounds good.”  

Liam smiled tightly and then departed, though Louis could tell he was very wary of leaving him alone.  

But Louis was glad Liam was gone. Nothing against Liam, but Harry would be over soon, and Louis didn’t want Liam around when Harry arrived.  

Louis hopped off the sofa and decided he really needed to shower. He scrubbed all over and made sure his hair looked decent, then he put on one of his favorite t-shirts and a pair of shorts before flopping back down on the sofa and waiting for Harry.  

His phone buzzed fifteen minutes later with a simple ‘Here’.  

A sudden euphoric feeling surged through Louis as he reached for the door.  

“Hey,” he said stepping out into the hallway.  

“Christ,” Harry breathed. “You look like shit.”  

“What?”  

“You look like shit,” Harry repeated, bluntly.  

“I thought I looked pretty good,” Louis pouted playfully.  

“Well yeah, for someone who’s not really looking,” said Harry. “It’s one of those bad days, isn’t it?”  

Louis was going to object, lie, because he really wanted to go out, and he didn’t want to make Harry worry over him like Liam and Niall already did, but instead he nodded and quietly said, “Yeah.”  

Harry nodded. “Have you slept at all?”  

“Barely.”  

“Come on.” Harry brushed past Louis and entered his flat. Louis followed, and Harry was already sat on the sofa, and Louis was suddenly reminded of the last time they were in his flat like this, the last time Harry had sat himself on Louis’s sofa in such a straightforward manner, and what had happened after that.  

“Come here,” Harry said, patting the spot beside him, shaking Louis from his thoughts.  

Louis strolled over to the sofa and sat down. “Okay now you stay there and don’t move and I’ll take care of you, yeah?” said Harry with one of his big grins that take over his entire face.  

Louis couldn’t help but laugh and nod fervently. “Okay.” He really shouldn’t have been feeling the twisting and turning flutters in his abdomen at the thought of Harry looking after him, especially when he usually hated being coddled, but he couldn’t help it. This was  _Harry_.  

Harry got busy in the kitchen, the sound of plates tinking, and a kettle brewing. “Do you like eggs?” Harry called. The sound of a frying pan now going. 

“Yeah,” Louis replied.  

“Okay, good, because I make a mean egg on toast,” Harry said, and Louis could almost feel the smug little smile on Harry’s face.  

“Do you want me to do anything,” Louis asked, lifting himself off the sofa.  

“Don’t you date, Tomlinson,” Harry said spinning around, spatula in hand. “Get your bum back on that sofa.”  

Louis groaned. “You really don’t have to do anything for me.”  

“Hush. I want to.”  

Louis settled back down and waiting patiently for Harry to emerge from the kitchen. Finally, after quite some time, Harry entered into the living room with a tray of food.  

“What did you do, cook everything in my kitchen?” Louis said sitting upright.  

“Pretty much.”  

“God, who’s going to eat all this food?”  

“Us, duh.”  

On the tray were two cups of tea, orange juice, a plate of scrambled eggs, and another plate of Harry’s famous egg on toast. Then there was a some jam and butter, a bag of crisps, some cereal, milk, and also a bowl of homemade macaroni and cheese. 

“Mac and cheese too?” Louis said, eyes widening.  

“It’s my favorite,” said Harry. “Homemade is always the best.”  

Louis nodded. “It’s my favorite too.”  

“Well good then! Lets eat.”  

They turned on the TV though they barely watched it, and worked their way through all the food. Louis hadn’t realized how hungry he was until Harry had shoved all that food in his face. Everything was absolutely delicious. Louis wasn’t used to such great food. He was awful at cooking. He could only make a handful of dishes, and they never came out quite like they were supposed to. But Harry was great at cooking, and it was a refreshing change. Louis hadn’t had homemade mac and cheese like Harry’s since he had lived at home and his mum had made it for him.  

It was well past noon when Louis started drifting a bit. 

“If you’re tired, sleep,” Harry said.  

Louis shook his head. “No, I don’t want to.”  

“You really should. It’ll make you feel better.”  

“I already feel better,” Louis insisted.  

“Sleep. Really. You wont be missing anything. I’ll be right here when you wake up.”  

“Really?” Louis said with a little smirk. “You’re not gonna escape through the window or something? Get swallowed up by the night? Ditch me for some hot stud?”  

Harry shoved him playfully. “Shut up. I’m not going  _anywhere_.”  

Louis settled comfortably, and Harry tossed a blanket over him. “Sleep.”  

Louis did sleep. He slept soundly, a nice, peaceful, dreamless sleep. When he awoke it was dark, the only light coming from the blue glow of the television, and Harry still sat beside him, eyes watching the TV. His gaze shifted though, once Louis began to move.  

“Hey,” he said cheerfully, fixing Louis with his intense green eyes. “So how’d you sleep?”  

“What time is it?”  

“Um, like six? Seven? I’m not really sure.”  

Louis sat up and rubbed his hand against his face. “So you’ve been sitting here for like, four hours? Doing  _nothing_?”  

“Hey, I was watching some pretty good shows!” Harry exclaimed, pointing at the television.  

Louis rolled his eyes. “You could have woken me up.”  

“Nah. You looked to peaceful. You don’t really look like that much. You’re always so…wound up.”  

“I am not!”  

“Oh yes you are. You’re either wound up with excitement and ready to burst with energy, or you’re wound up with worry, always lost in your own head.”  

Louis agreed to himself, Harry was pretty much dead on. But it was also a bit unsettling how well Harry already knew him after only spending less than a week together. Things were snowballing, and Louis could see it going in one of two ways. Either they’d move forward, or stay halted, forever as just friends. And Louis just then realized, he was thinking too much, lost in his own head.  

“Alright, you’re right. I am always wound up.”  

Harry smiled in satisfaction. “Of course I’m right. Now stop worrying about everything. Come on. Time to get up. You’ve been fed, and rested, time to go  _live_.”  

“And where are we going to do some living?”  

“Ah, well now it’s your turn to make some decisions. Take charge, Louis. You pick where to go.”  

Louis rose from the sofa and stretched. “Alright, lets see––”  

“Lou! Lou, I brought dinner!”  

Harry and Louis both spun around as the front door opened completely, and the light was switched on. Liam stood in the doorway, takeout bags in hand. “Lou?” Liam stepped inside and approached the two. “What’s up? Who’s––who’s  _this_?” His tone turned a bit sharp when he noticed Harry, recognizing him from the night at the club.  

Harry retreated a bit, and Liam turned his gaze to Louis for answers. “Well? I thought you were feeling poorly? Who’s this?”  

Louis sighed. “This is Harry, he’s a friend.”  

“Really?” said Liam sourly. “Because I’ve never met him before. Well there was that night at the club, right? But we didn’t exactly  _meet_. It kind of seems like you don’t want me to meet this guy, Lou. Why is that?”  

“Shut  _up_ , Liam. God, you’re talking about him like he’s not standing right  _here_. Stop being a dick. Sorry that I don’t tell you  _everything_  about my life.”  

“We’re supposed to be best mates, Lou. But it seems like you never want to hang out anymore. I’ve barely seen you this whole week. Have you been with  _him_? Is that it? Did you just lie to me about feeling poorly so you could have the day with  _him_?”  

“ _He_  has a  _name_.”  

“Stop, it’s fine,” said Harry slipping into his shoes. “I’ll just go.”  

“No, stop. This is my place. I decide who I want in it,” Louis said holding out his arm to stop Harry.  

“Are you one of Louis’s little druggie friends?” Liam sneered at Harry. “Is that what’s going on. You guys get high together?”  

Harry rolled his eyes in disgust. “No, that’s not what’s going on. And you really should have more faith in Louis. He’s not using. And he’s not lying to you. He really was feeling poorly today. And as for why he hasn’t told you about me, well that’s his own decision. But,” he glanced at Louis as he spoke, “we’re just friends.”  

The words stung a little. The path had been chosen. There would be no moving forward. Just comfortably halted at ‘just friends’.  

Liam was still fuming, no words coming to him now.  

“I’ll talk to you later, Lou,” Harry said, before shoving past Louis’s arm and strolling out the door.  

“Well I hope you’re happy,” Louis huffed bitterly at Liam once Harry had gone.  

“Who is he?” Liam asked again, though his tone was a bit softer.  

“His name is Harry, and he’s a friend of mine.”  

“How long have you guys been friends. I mean if I haven’t really met him––”  

“Liam––” 

“I know, I know,” Liam said holding up his hands, “I know you don’t have to tell me everything about your life but, well I think I’m allowed to worry a bit, considering everything that’s happened recently.”  

“Alright, look, Harry’s a friend. I’ve known him for about a month, but we only just started hanging out this past week. He’s not a drug dealer or anything. He’s really great. And today he looked after me because I  _was_  feeling poorly.”  

“Then why wouldn’t you just  _tell_  me that?”  

“Because––well maybe because I just didn’t want you to know about him, okay? Maybe because you’re always so quick to judge.”  

“I am not! I never judge––”  

Louis fixed him with a pointed look. “You like to act like you don’t judge people, but you do. You inspect them, you try and figure them all out before even getting to know them. You may not judge me or Niall or any of your friends, but you judge on first impressions. And you’ve already judged Harry, pretty harshly too.”  

“I’m sorry,” Liam whispered. “I didn’t––I was just worried. The first time I saw him with  you was after you had run off and then had been gone the whole night. And you didn’t exactly explain yourself at the time. And then he showed up at Paradise and you two ran off together. I just want to make sure he’s not––a bad influence.”  

Louis rolled his eyes. “He’s not. If you  _must_  know, we met that night that I ran off. And he saved my life. I  _did_  run off with the intention of getting high, but then my dealers decided to beat me up, and then Harry fell out of the sky like an angel and saved me. I spent the night at his place and in the morning he walked me home. The night at Paradise I wasn’t expecting to see him or anything. I didn’t really think I’d ever see him again to be honest. But then he showed up and we ran off and ended up back here. And––”  

Louis caught himself. He’d almost forgotten that he was actually talking to Liam. He had gotten so lost in this thoughts, reminiscing on his earliest encounters with Harry, that he had almost revealed what they had done that night.  

“And?”  

“And nothing, sorry. Anyways, we just chilled here that night, and then I really didn’t hear from him for about a week. And then he just started coming around and we hung out more and more, and thats basically what its been like this past week. That’s all.”  

Liam narrowed his eyes. “Why do I feel you’re leaving something out?”  

“What do you mean?”  

“Louis I’m not stupid. I  _know_ , you know?”  

“Know what?”  

Liam half rolled his eyes and sighed. “I  _know_  about, you know.”  

“Jesus, Liam, just spit it out!”  

“Well that you’re gay!”  

“What?” Louis said, his eyes widening a bit.  

“Niall…sorry.”  

“He told you?”  

Liam nodded. “But don’t be mad. I kind of made him. I knew he knew  _something_  about you, something that I didn’t, so I kept hassling him to tell me. And then it just kind of slipped out. He felt terrible.”  

“It’s fine,” Louis shrugged. “I don’t care.” Because really, that wasn’t what he was afraid of telling Liam. He was afraid of telling Liam about  _Harry_. About how he felt about Harry, and mostly about what Harry did for a living.  

“Right, okay,” Liam said, his brow crinkling a little in confusion, but he plowed on. “So, like I was saying, I know what’s going on here. You  _like_  Harry. That’s why, that’s why you didn’t want to tell me about him, right?”  

_Well yes,_  Louis thought, a _nd also because he’s a prostitute and I know you’re going to judge him._  

It would be easier to just agree with Liam though. “Yeah, you’re right.”  

Liam let out a long sigh. “Thank god. Okay, good. I thought he was some druggie or lowlife that was trying to rope you back in with that crowd. But, aw, he’s just some sweet guy who’s gotten you smitten.”  

For some reason it was then that Louis decided he wanted to be a dick, something about Liam's words rubbing him the wrong way. “He’s also a prostitute,” said Louis with a smirk, “and we had sex the night after Paradise.”  

Liam’s eyes stared straight at Louis, his whole body frozen in shock. “What? Are you joking?”  

“That’s what Niall thought too,” Louis laughed mirthlessly. “But, no, I’m joking. Are you going to judge him now? Is he a ‘lowlife’?”  

“Louis––”  

“Because I still care about him. And he’s still my friend. And he’s still a good  _person_.”  

“I––I might not agree with his, choices, but, I trust you, Lou. Despite what you may believe. I’m sure he  _is_  a really great guy.”  

“He is.”  

“Here,” Liam awkwardly held out his hand, which was still clutching the takeout bags. “I think I’m going to go. But you should still eat.”  

Louis took the bags from Liam, and then Liam let himself out of the flat before Louis could feel bad and insist for him to stay.  

The next day Louis didn’t go to work until much later. He and Nicole had switched shifts, and he would be taking the afternoon shift. He didn’t hear from Harry all morning, but he  still texted him to let him know about the schedule change, hoping he’d still come around, despite the little hiccup with Liam the previous night. But as the day went on, Louis began to worry that Harry wouldn’t show up. At four he dressed in his uniform and left for Starbucks. His entire shift passed slowly, and he caught himself glancing up every so often to look out the window and see if Harry was there. 

He wasn’t.  

The minutes trickled on, and each time Louis looked up, a sudden nervousness would flood his stomach, and then his eyes would meet the empty wall across the street, and he’d quickly flick his gaze away before disappointment could settle in.  

When his shift finally ended he slipped out of his apron, quite dispirited, and shuffled over to the door to lock up.  

“Hey there,” came a raspy whisper that nearly made Louis jump out of his skin.  

“Harry! What the fu––”  

The rest of Louis’s exclamation was drowned out by Harry’s booming laugh and––Zayn’s?  

Zayn stood beside Harry, clutching his side as they both laughed.  

“Jesus Christ you two scared me,” Louis said louder. Their laughter began to subside. “What are you doing lurking in the shadows like that for?”  

“To scare the shit out of you, of course,” Harry hiccuped, wiping a few stray tears from his eyes. “God you should have seen your face.” Zayn made a mock impression of what Louis apparently looked like, and Harry was sent off in another fit of giggles.  

“We were waiting out here for a good fifteen minutes,” Harry said as they began to walk.  

“I didn’t see you,” Louis stated.  

“Well yeah, we were hiding,” Zayn laughed.  

“Zayn’s on his way to Paradise, by the way,” Harry clarified.  

Louis nodded. “Okay.”  

“Just so you don’t think I  _willingly_  brought him along.”  

Zayn shoved Harry playfully. “Shut up.” 

They were just passing Nandos when a voice called out after them.  

“Hey! Lou, wait up!”  

Louis spun around to see Niall running towards them, waving his arms over his head. Niall halted in front of the group, catching his breath, before meeting them with a big smile. “‘Ello,” he greeted with a wave.  

“Hey,” both Zayn and Harry said in unison.  

“It’s Harry!” Niall exclaimed when he noticed the boy with the curls.  

“It’s me!” Harry cried, throwing his hands up in the air.  

“Louis’s told me a lot about you,” Niall said, dodging a elbow from Louis, and holding out his hand for Harry. “I’m Niall, Louis’s  _cool_  best friend. I apologize on behalf of Liam, he can be a twat sometimes.”  

Harry chuckled and shook his hand. “It’s alright, I can be a twat sometimes too.”  

Niall then turned to shake Zayn’s hand, but froze when he finally saw his face. He tilted his head to the side, brows furrowing. “I know you from somewhere.”  

“He was at the club that night when––” began Louis.  

“No, no. From somewhere else,” Niall said shushing Louis.  

“Umm…” Zayn said awkwardly.  

And then Niall snapped his fingers, and blurted out, “I saw you in a porno! Wayne MaLick, am I right?”  

Harry snorted, and then they all dissolved into laugher.  

“You were bloody good too! And fit. Your fucking abilities, man, I wish I could do the stuff you do.”  

“Niall!”  

“No, but Lou you don’t understand––”  

“Christ.”  

“Well, I’m pretty flattered,” Zayn said over everyone else. And then he held out his hand to Niall. “Thanks, mate. You can be my number one fan. Start a fan club or something.”  

Niall laughed and did a little jump in the air. “OH! Look at that, I’m someone’s number one fan!” he taunted in Louis’s face. “Bet you can’t say that.”  

“No, I don’t think I can,” Louis smiled.  

Harry threw his arm over Louis. “You can be  _my_  biggest fan if you want,” he said in a teasing little voice.  

“Aw, Harry,” Louis teased back.  

“Shit, I really need to get to Paradise,” Zayn said looking down at his watch.  

“I’m going there too,” Niall cheered slapping hands with Zayn. “Gonna go chill with Liam for a bit,” Niall explained to Louis.  

Louis nodded. “Alright, well then we’re just gonna––”  

“Go!” Harry finished, pulling Louis along in the opposite direction.  

They ran all the way back to Louis’s flat, even taking the stairs instead of the elevator.  

“That was bloody insane,” Harry laughed as the stumbled through the door.  

“Niall’s pretty crazy.”  

“I can’t believe he recognized Zayn though. I mean I always say he’s such a  _star_ , but I’m mostly teasing. He’s not like, famous, or anything. How much porn does Niall watch?” 

Louis snorted. “Niall, has  _far_  too much time on his hands. So…a lot.”   

They settled down on the sofa and switched on the TV, it was a stupid habit, since they never watched the TV anyways, but it was nice to have it on.  

“So is Niall gay too then?” Harry asked, propping an arm on the back of the sofa.  

“No, no. He’s pretty straight.”  

“‘Pretty Straight’? What exactly does that mean?”  

“He’s straight. But, he can appreciate a guy who’s fit?” Louis said, trying to explain.  

“So he finds guys attractive but he wouldn’t fuck them?”  

“I don’t know,” Louis sighed in frustration. “He hasn’t had a girlfriend in ages and he said you were fit so who knows!”  

“He said I was fit?” Harry asked, big green eyes widening.  

Louis pressed his lips together before closing his eyes. “Shit,” he muttered. “Yeah he said you were fit, one time, when I told him that we’d, you know, slept together,” Louis said tightly.  

“Oh. So he knows about that? About me?” 

Louis opened his eyes, but couldn’t quite meet Harry’s. “Yeah, I told him. Liam knows too. I told him after you left last night.”  

“Right,” Harry nodded, but now they had made eye contact, and they were both suspended in a sort of limbo, staring into each others’ eyes. They were slowly moving closer, but neither looked away. The eye contact only ceased when both boys shut their eyes and pressed their lips together.  

Everything was warm and familiar, yet totally new. It had been only two weeks since the last time they kissed, but it felt like an eternity had passed. Harry’s lips moved fast against Louis’s, as if he was trying to take everything he could before the moment ended. But Louis kissed slower, because the moment would not end. It couldn’t.  

Still, Harry’s kisses bruised, they grew faster and faster. He broke away for less than a second, taking in a huge gulp of air before returning to Louis’s lips. He was hurried, fervent. He grabbed at Louis’s face and neck and hair. He tugged forcefully at Louis’s shirt until it was off and on the floor. Harry slammed his body against Louis’s digging the older boy into the sofa. Fingers fumbled with belts and zippers until their trousers littered the ground too.  

Louis pulled away for air, taking a few seconds to catch his breath, but Harry was whining, biting and sucking his neck, fingers clawing against the sides of Louis’s ribcages. And then Louis looked down, and he saw that Harry was trembling, and then he felt the wetness his his shoulder.  

“Harry,” Louis whispered, hoarsely. “What’s––what’s the matter.” He tentatively reached out and ran a hand through Harry’s curls.  

Harry lifted his head and wiped his eyes. “I really can’t do this,” he choked.  

Louis nodded and sat upright, gently caressing Harry’s arms. “It’s okay. You don’t have to do anything––”   

“We can’t do this,” Harry repeated. “We just…It can’t happen.”  

Harry began scrambling around the room, collecting his clothes. “I can’t do this to you. We’re friends. You’re my friend. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.” Harry repeated the words over and over under his breath as he dressed.  

And Louis’s words were lost. He assured Harry that it was okay, and that he didn’t have to leave, but Harry did not seem to hear him. No matter what Louis said, Harry ignored it all and kept repeating that he was sorry but he couldn’t do this.  

Louis followed him to the door. “Please, don’t go,” Louis begged. “Whatever I did, I’m sorry. Just––don’t go.”  

Harry grew silent, and stood a few feet down the hall. He turned and walked back to Louis and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. “You didn’t do anything, mate. This one’s been all me. I’m sorry.”  

He turned away quickly and punched the button on the elevator. He looked back at Louis, still standing in his doorway, for just a second, before the doors closed, separating them.  

Louis watched him disappear, once again. He was always disappearing. So Louis should have gotten used to the sting by now. But no, it was still fresh as always. Everything with Harry was always new, no matter how many times Louis had experienced it. Hearing his laugh, or seeing his eyes light up, or feeling his touch. His kisses, and bites, and moans. All of these things would always get a reaction out of Louis, no matter how many times they happened. And Harry leaving him still always stung a little.  

Harry disappeared down the elevator and out of sight from Louis. But in the elevator Harry was safely tucked away, and no one saw him when he shed one lone tear, or when he wished to God that these feelings would go away. They were supposed to be just friends. A good friend, that’s what Danielle said Harry needed. Not another fuck buddy. Harry already had plenty of those. And they weren’t all that great. 


	5. Cold Coffee//This

Louis didn’t know what had happened, and he didn’t know what to do, all he knew was that Harry was hurt, and he would not be leaving him no matter what. Carefully, but without hesitation, Louis pulled Harry into his arms, and Harry didn’t even have the strength to protest. Or maybe he didn’t  _want_  to protest. Either way, he crumbled right into Louis’s chest, a small, shaky breath rocking through his body, straight to the core.  

**12 Hours Previous**  

Louis sat on his sofa, twirling his phone idly between his fingers, staring up at the ceiling. He had been in this position for sometime, hoping and waiting for a text he knew would never come.  

It had been two days. Two solid days without hearing from Harry. It shouldn’t have been a shock to Louis’s system, he’d gone on much, much longer without hearing from the boy. But after the previous week, spending every single day together, it was hard to suddenly bounce out of that routine, especially when a lot of Louis’s wellbeing relied on sticking to routines.  

But Harry was spontaneous. He was everything routine was not. And so he had decided to extract himself from Louis’s life once more, and Louis was not really okay with that.  

This time though, Louis was not going to simply wait around for Harry to pop back into his life. He’d sent him dozens of texts, first apologizing, then assuring him that they could totally still be friends, and then asking him if he wanted to hang out any time soon. He did not receive a single response, but Louis was getting better at dealing with Harry, so he kind of already figured he wouldn’t have received an answer anyways.  

But he knew Harry was at least getting the texts. He knew he was reading them, seeing that Louis was sorry for whatever he did to upset Harry, and that he still wanted to be friends. And that was enough for Louis, it was,  _really_.  

“God, Haz, why won’t you answer me,” Louis groaned, pressing the phone against his forehead.  

It was just about noon, and Louis had not eaten breakfast. His stomach growled angrily, forcing him to his feet. He slipped his phone in his pocket, not wanting to miss Harry if he decided to text or call, and strolled over to the kitchen to fix himself something to eat.  

He made a quick sandwich and plopped down at the breakfast bar, fishing his phone out of his pocket and scrolling through his inbox as he ate.  

He still had all of Harry’s texts saved in his inbox. None of them consisted of any actual conversation, they didn’t really converse much via text, but each little ‘Here :)’ or ‘On my way xx’ made Louis’s heart pound a little bit faster. It didn’t really make sense, the hold this boy had on him was inexplicable.  

Suddenly the phone lit up, music blaring. Louis hit the answer button before even looking at the caller ID, and blurted out an eager, “ _Harry_?” 

“Liam,” said the voice on the other end.  

“Liam?” Louis asked, brows furrowing together.  

“Liam.”  

Louis sighed, and shifted the phone to the crook of his neck as he collected his plate and walked it over to the sink. “What’s up?”  

“Just checking in.”  

“I’m fine, Liam.”  

“And I know that just means that you’re not. Harry hasn’t called then?”  

Louis had told both Liam and Niall what had happened the next day when they came to get him up for work and he refused to budge, head buried under pillows. He hadn’t been upset, per say, but more childishly frustrated. He whined and made a fuss when Niall had tried to tug the covers off of him, and eventually they managed to wake him, and he had whined some more about how totally shit he was and that he’d upset Harry somehow and royally fucked things up, again.  

“No,” Louis replied.  

“Louis,” Liam began in his wary tone, the tone he used before a lecture. “Louis, don’t you think this is getting a bit, unhealthy?” He hesitated with his last words, afraid of Louis’s reaction.  

But Louis simply exhaled and rubbed a hand over his face, “I know, I know,” he groaned. “But I can’t help it. I––I care about him, you know?”  

“Yes, I know,” Liam said carefully. “But he does have a life of his own, Louis. Maybe things have just gotten complicated, and he hasn’t really had the time to deal with whatever happened between you two the other night.”  

Louis considered this, and nodded, before realizing Liam couldn’t see him. “Yeah, yeah I  suppose you’re right.”  

“You should get out. Come chill with me and Niall. We were thinking of seeing that new film that just came out––”  

“I don’t know,” Louis sighed, cutting Liam off. “I really don’t feel like going out today.”  

“Are you feeling okay?” Liam asked, his voice suddenly filling with worry.  

“I’m  _fine_ ,” Louis insisted in exasperation. “I just don’t feel like going out.”  

“Lou…You can’t just sit at home all day waiting for him to show up.”  

“But what if he does!” Louis cried, giving up on the dishes which he had been unsuccessfully trying to wash with one hand. “What if he comes here and I’m not home?”  

“Louis, do you hear yourself right now?” Liam snapped. “You’re allowed to go out. You’re allowed to have a life. I don’t think he’s sitting around waiting for  _you_  to show up….”  

Liam was still talking, going on and on, lecturing. But Louis had stopped listening. That was it! He had to go to  _him_. Harry was probably waiting for Louis to go to him this time.  

“Yeah, you’re right, I gotta go,” Louis said quickly, cutting right in the middle of something Liam was saying, before promptly hanging up.  

Louis shuffled around his flat, quickly changing and hopping on one foot trying to get into his shoes while grabbing his keys and phone. He was halfway out the door when he realized he how utterly foolish and desperate he looked. And then he half shrugged and continued down the hall to the lift.  

The doors opened to reveal Liam and Niall. Louis stared back at them for a moment, before the two boys grabbed his arms and pulled him in with them.  

*** 

Harry sat on his sofa, his old, frayed quit sprawled across his lap. His phone was on the coffee table, lighting up once more with a text. He wouldn’t answer it. He could barely even read them. Everything had already gone so very horribly wrong. Harry hadn’t asked for any of this when he had saved Louis’s life all those weeks ago. This was not what he had planned. Harry had been getting along just fine before Louis came along, and now everything was a mess.  

He had the apartment to himself. Zayn was out, as usual, this time with some girl instead of a porn shoot. It was nearly four o’clock by now and Harry had to start getting ready for another night of work. Today was going to be a good night, he had some of his favorite customers tonight. Jason was always a fun time, and Sonny let him top which Harry usually preferred. He wasn’t seeing Steven today, which was good because Steven was a piece of shit, despite being his best and highest paying customer. It was going to be a good night, Harry decided. And he wasn’t going to think about Louis Tomlinson at all.  

Harry smiled and hopped off the sofa, getting ready for his night out. It took another hour before he finally managed to get out of the house, but then he was off, walking down to Babylon where he always met up with clients. Jason came by a few minutes later in his fire red jeep, honking at Harry who was waiting on the sidewalk.  

“Hey, Harry,” Jason nodded with a smirk.  

“Hey, Jase,” Harry said greeted in his low, smug voice, climbing into the passenger’s seat.  

They quickly sped off down the street, and Harry tried his best to ignore the soft buzzing coming from his pocket.  

***

It was five o’clock and Louis set out another text, a proper text this time, telling Harry that he was planning to swing by Lego House now.  

His original plans had been thwarted five hours ago when Liam and Niall had kidnapped him. They went to the cinema to see a new film, which Louis didn’t particularly enjoy, but Liam and Niall raved over. Then they had gone out to lunch. An hour ago Louis sent a brief text saying he would be stopping by, but Liam and Niall had refused to let Louis escape just yet. Finally though, Louis managed to get away, and he now sat on a bus heading for Harry’s side of town.  

He didn’t know what he was going to say this time. He really was acting foolish. Throwing himself at Harry, but he couldn’t really help it, he couldn’t help feeling this desperate about someone, because he never had before. Never had he felt like he  _needed_  someone in his life as much as he needed Harry.  

The bus made countless stops before reaching Harry’s. It was 5:45 when the bus finally stopped a few blocks from Lego House. Louis walked the remaining distance, and then sent one final text telling Harry that he had arrived. He waited a while outside, hoping Harry would reply back that it was okay for him to come in. By six he received no such answer, and sighed before sinking down the wall and onto the sidewalk.  

He sat contemplating whether he should go back home, or wait a bit longer, when he heard a series of sniffles coming from the open window of the Lego House foyer. They were loud and ragged in a painful way that made Louis stand up immediately. He looked in through the window, but could not find the source of the sobs. He knew it wasn’t Harry, because it sounded more like a girl, but either way, Louis was never one to simply walk away when he knew someone was upset. It was the inner big brother in him, he always felt the need to comfort people when they cried.  

Louis slowly pushed open the front door of Lego House, which always seemed to be unlocked, and instantly found the source of the sobs. Directly opposite the door was the staircase, and on the staircase sat a crumpled Danielle, sobbing into her hands. She didn’t take notice of Louis until the door shut behind him, the loud click startling her from her own world.  

“Louis?” she croaked, quickly wiping her puffy eyes. “What are you doing here?”  

“I––it doesn’t matter. What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” Louis quickly crossed the distance from the door to the stairs and wedged himself beside Danielle on the step.  

“It’s––nothing,” Danielle sighed heavily, trying to catch her breath.  

“It clearly is  _something_  if it’s got you this upset,” Louis said quietly.  

She turned to face him and her hands were shaking. Louis looked down noticing the nervous little tremors, and then his eyes brushed up her exposed arms to find a trail of ugly bruises dotting her skin. He sucked in a breath and then met her eyes, which were already filling with tears once more.  

“What happened? Who–”  

Danielle shook her head slowly, her bottom lip trembling. She looked back down at her hands, knotting her fingers together to stop the shaking. “It was a rough night,” she said quietly, so quietly that Louis almost didn’t hear her. “Just a––a not so nice customer,” she stuttered, before breaking down into more sobs.  

Louis reached out and pulled her into his arms, stroking her hair soothingly until she calmed down.  

“Are you going to be okay?” Louis asked after she had settled down.  

“I’ll be fine,” Danielle nodded. “I’m a fighter.” And then she smiled and it was truly beautiful.  

“Good, being a fighter is good. I’m a fighter too,” Louis said, smiling back, “And since we’re kind of friends now, I don’t want you to be hurting, because I don’t like it when my friends are hurting.”  

Danielle shoved him playfully. “‘Kind of friends’?  _Really_?”  

“Okay, fine. We  _are_  friends.”  

Danielle bounced happily, clapping her hands together. “Yay. But wait, why are  _you_  a fighter?” 

It took Louis a moment to realize he had never told Danielle about his addiction, or that he was now in rehab and working towards recovery.  

“Oh, um, I kind of used to be a drug addict. I thought you knew.”  

Danielle cocked her head to one side and let out a half laugh, “You? A drug addict?  _You_?”  

Louis felt his ears go red. “Er, yeah. I was going through a rough time. It got…pretty bad. And then my two best mates finally decided to intervene, and then I ran off, and then I go beat up by my drug dealers and Harry saved my life and then I met you for the first time the morning after…yeah good times, good times.”  

Danielle was full out laughing at this point, clutching at her sides. “So  _that’s_  how you met Harry? Jesus. And here I thought he just picked up some preppy boy who got lost on the wrong side of town, but baby you’re just as messed up as the rest of us. Welcome to Lego House, hun. Home of the misfits.”  

Louis chuckled, shaking his head. After a few moments Danielle regained control and stopped laughing. “So, but like you’re getting better now, right?”  

“Yeah, yeah,” Louis said nodding his head. “I’m in all sorts of rehab programs. I go to group sessions twice a week, and then I have individual therapy sessions. My two best mates are super responsible, especially Liam, they both look after me, check up everyday, as annoying as it may be. They’re great. They keep me on track, especially on the bad days.”  

“Bad days?”  

“The days when I feel like relapsing,” Louis explained.  

“Oh,” Danielle nodded. “You know what’s real good for staying relaxed? Meditation. I do it all the time, it’s super calming. I’d be happy to teach you some basics if you’d like.”  

“That’d actually be really lovely. Thanks.”  

“No problem. So, now that we’re friends and all, may I ask what brings you to Lego House on this fine day?”  

Louis exhaled, “I feel like an idiot, honestly.”  

“So you’re here for Harry,” Danielle clarified.  

“Basically.”  

“Oh, Louis,” Danielle sighed, ruffling his hair, “You’re crushing on him, aren’t you?” 

“I––well, I suppose. But, I mean, I’m just very confused. One minutes we’re sleeping together and the next he’s gone. Or we spend the whole week together, and then after one heated moment he vanishes. I just––”  

Louis stopped when he noticed Danielle staring at him, wide eyed and speechless.  

“What?”  

“You two–– _slept together_?”  

“Well…yeah. I mean, how is that shocking? Considering what Harry does and all….”  

“But, but, no. Like, no. Harry wouldn’t just, he––god it all makes sense now,” Danielle muttered.  

“What makes sense now? Please do tell me, because frankly,  _nothing_  makes sense to me.”  

“No, no, never mind,” Danielle said waving her hand. “Just––do you care about Harry? Like  _really_ care about him?”  

“Well yeah.”  

Danielle shifted on the step to properly face Louis. “Then listen to me, I can’t tell you all of Harry’s shit, those are his stories, and it’s his choice to tell you about them, but I can tell you this, Harry isn’t like most people. He doesn’t see things the way you and I do. He’s different. He doesn’t really respond to matters of love so to speak. And I need you to know that, and understand that, and be careful with him, yeah?”  

Louis still didn’t quite understand, but he knew Danielle was telling him the most she was able to. “Okay,” he nodded, “I’ll be careful.”  

They sat in silence for some time, and then Danielle started up a new conversation, asking Louis about his job and more about his friends. Louis rambled on and on about Niall and Liam until there was nothing left to say. Danielle found them both funny, and she told Louis to bring them around one day. 

It was much later when they looked up at the clock across the room, which read 8:05.  

“Mhmm, I’m hungry,” Danielle declared, getting to her feet. “Care for some dinner?” she asked, looking down at Louis.  

“Yes please!” Louis exclaimed, only just realizing how famished he was.  

Danielle helped pull Louis off the stairs and they climbed on up to Danielle’s apartment to fix something to eat.  

***

Harry walked down the street, just having finished with Jason. It was eight o’clock and he was due to meet up with Sonny in about fifteen minutes. He glanced down at his phone, hesitantly opening the three texts he had ignored from before. 

 

**From: Louis Tomlinson**  

_‘I’m thinking of stopping by later x’_

  **Time: 4:05 pm**

**——————————————————————————-**

**From: Louis Tomlinson**  

_‘I’m on my way over, be there in a bit xx’_  

**Time: 5:00 pm**

**——————————————————————————-**

**From: Louis Tomlinson**  

_‘I’m here. Waiting outside. Is it okay if I come in?’_  

**Time: 5:48 pm**

**——————————————————————————-**  

Harry sighed and flipped the phone shut. That was hours ago. At least Louis was probably gone by now. Unless…Harry groaned. It would so be like him to wait around all day, like he had done the other time. He hoped Louis wouldn’t be there later when he got home. He just couldn’t deal with that at the moment.  

The late April weather was a bit chilly tonight, and Harry tugged his thin jacket a bit closer around his body. He reached his and Sonny’s usual meeting spot, just outside the alley between the local bar and the 24-hour connivence store.  

He glanced back down at his phone checking the time just as a car rolled to a stop a few feet away. Harry looked up quickly, but did not recognize the car. He flicked his glance in the opposite direction, waiting for Sonny to show up. There was a sound of a car door opening and closing, and then the crunching of footsteps.  

“Hey,” called a rough voice. Harry froze when he heard it. His muscles locked in place, and suddenly a panicked shock surged through his body. He knew that voice, he knew it all too well. He had hoped and prayed to never hear that voice again. That voice had haunted him in nightmares too many times for Harry to count. Harry couldn’t move, his head still facing away from the car and the man now approaching.  

“Harry,” the voice called again. “I’ve been fucking looking for you for ages.”  

The blood in Harry’s veins felt frozen, the cold, icy voice was getting closer, and Harry’s breathing was coming out shallow, in quick, terrified bursts. He screwed his eyes shut, arms hugging his torso, praying Sonny would come along, praying and wishing and hoping he’d be rescued.  

Harry could smell the alcohol on the man’s breath now. He could smell smoke there too. The scent was one he remembered, and with it came a flood of bad memories, memories he’d pushed away deep with in the recesses of his mind.  

“Fucking hell, get over here!” the man growled, big, meaty hands grabbing Harry by the shoulders and yanking him towards the car.  

Harry shuddered and tried to pull away, but he knew better than to fight. A fist collided into his stomach, and Harry quickly gave up the struggle. Everything had been for nothing. The careful life he’d constructed for himself wasn’t enough. Ralph had found him.  

He was pushed into the back seat, a cloth gagging his mouth. Slowly the world began to slip away until Harry was met with a familiar darkness. His last fleeting thought was of bright blue eyes, the only comfort in his personal hell.  

***

Dinner turned out to be quite the event. Apparently there is no such thing as a simple dinner at Lego House. Danielle started cooking some fancy chicken dish, and then Sandy and Josh had popped by with a salad, which only prompted Mary from upstairs to bring some freshly baked bread, and Cher from across the hall brought dessert, while Matt from the top floor provided an assortment of drinks. The tiny apartment was soon cramped with people, all eating and conversing loudly over the hum of music coming from a radio somewhere in the flat. It was such an interesting evening; Louis wasn’t used to such a social affair, especially since lately his days had been spent quite solitary, the most company being Liam and Niall, and occasionally Harry.  

When dinner ended, some hours later, the gang all lounged around, time escaping them. Louis finally noticed the time and quickly bolted up.  

“I should get going,” he said, the clock reading a quarter to midnight. “I’ve got an early shift tomorrow morning.” 

“Alrighty,” Danielle sighed. “I’ll walk you down.”  

“Bye, Lou,” Sandy and Josh called.  

“See you, darling,” waved Mary. 

 “Bye, mate,” said Cher and Matt.   

Louis waved goodbye to everyone, and then he and Danielle walked down the hall and descended to staircase to the foyer.  

Louis turned to Danielle and pulled her into a hug. “Thanks for dinner, it was lovely.”  

Danielle blushed, “Oh please, it was nothing. This is just a typical day here at Lego,” she laughed. Then she frowned, “I’m sorry Harry didn’t come around….” 

Louis waved his hand, “Don’t worry about it. It’s a Saturday night, I should’ve known he’d be busy.”  

The front door bolted open just then, and Louis and Danielle jumped, turning quickly to see who it was. They were not quite prepared for the sight they were met by.  

Danielle gasped, and Louis let out choking little whimper, his body instantly going towards the door.  

Harry stumbled in, his left eye completely shut with a big ugly black bruise, his right eye blotchy and filled with tears. His lips were covered in blood, and there were ugly little cuts all along his fingers. Harry’s shirt was completely ripped up, and his hair was slick with sweat. He was stumbling as he crossed the threshold into the building. Louis made to catch him, but Danielle gently pushed him away, reaching for Harry. Harry flinched away from her touch, his head shaking violently. He whimpered and shoved past both her and Louis, running for the stairs. He climbed them using his hands and feet, his breathing coming out loud and desperate.  

Louis spun around and advanced towards the staircase but Danielle threw out an arm to stop him. “No, Louis don’t. He’s not in a good place right now. I know how to handle this. We all do here. We’ll take care of him, okay? You go home and rest.”  

Danielle disappeared up the staircase, leaving Louis alone in the foyer. Louis knew Harry would be okay in Danielle’s hands. He knew no one in Lego House would hurt Harry, but there was no way Louis could simply  _leave_  him, especially when he looked like  _that_. A heart wrenching pain tugged at his chest. And then anger boiled inside him for whoever had done this to Harry. Louis stormed up the steps in a furious daze, he didn’t know what had happened, and he didn’t know what to do, all he knew was that Harry was hurt, and he would not be leaving him no matter what. 

On the third floor he could hear Danielle’s voice coming from down the corridor. She was standing in the doorway of Harry’s flat, pleading with Harry to calm down. Louis bounded down the hall without giving it a second thought, stopping in front of Harry’s apartment.  

“Louis I told you to––” began Danielle, but Louis stepped in front of her, so that he was face to face with Harry. Harry stood there for a moment, staring at him through his one good eye, and then carefully, but without hesitation, Louis pulled Harry into his arms, and Harry didn’t even have the strength to protest. Or maybe he didn’t  _want_  to protest. Either way, he crumbled right into Louis’s chest, a small, shaky breath rocking through his body, straight to the core. 

Danielle backed away at that point, knowing Harry was in good hands, and Louis and Harry stood there for sometime, Louis hugging him tighter to let him know he was safe, and Harry clutching the material of Louis’s shirt, and breathing in his sweet scent, feeling his heartbeat in his chest, everything about Louis that was warm and safe and familiar. Harry tried his best not to cry, but at some point he did. Everything was a blur, but he knew he was okay now. Louis stripped him down, tending to all the many cuts and bruises that littered his body. Eventually Harry fell asleep, and Louis stayed up, keeping a vigilant watch on him, making sure nothing happened to him, making sure he stayed safe.  

At three in the morning Zayn made an appearance. Louis was dozing in and out when he heard the front door open. He stumbled out of Harry’s room to meet a distraught Zayn.  

“Half the house is down in the foyer keeping watch, what the fuck happened?” Zayn groaned, rubbing his tired face. “Danielle said something happened to Harry but she didn’t really explain….”  

“I don’t know anything more than she does,” Louis sighed, the two of them gravitating towards the kitchen counter. “He came home a mess, banged up pretty fucking bad. He was totally out of it. Danielle tried to calm him down but it wasn’t working so I came up. He just sort of crumpled in my arms, and then he let me clean him up. His whole––his whole body,” Louis’s voice trembled, “his whole body is covered in bruises. It’s pretty bad. I––I think he should see a doctor tomorrow morning. I don’t think anything is broken but––just to make sure.”  

Zayn nodded in agreement. “Did he say who––?”  

“No,” Louis shook his head. “He didn’t talk at all, just whimpered and moaned.”  

“He’s usually really careful,” Zayn said, eyes fixed straight in front of him at the opposite wall. “So careful. He knows who to avoid. He has a good string of customers. Sure there are a few that get a bit rough but…” Zayn trailed off, lost in his own head.  

A few moments later Zayn regained himself, and turned to Louis. “What were you doing here anyways, when Harry got home?”  

“Oh, um, I was kind of here waiting for Harry to get back. I was hanging with Danielle––”  

Zayn smirked, “Right, of course. I forgot you’re in love Harry.”  

Louis opened his mouth to protest but Zayn shook his head with a light chuckle. “Well then, I’m gonna go shower, you…can go back to doing whatever you were doing. And we’ll figure out Harry in the morning,” Zayn said, stretching, before disappearing into the second room down the hall.  

Louis yawned and strolled back into Harry’s room, sitting himself down on the floor and leaning against the wall opposite the bed. Harry lay under the covers, his chest rising and falling, still alive, still breathing. Louis watched that chest rise and fall never happier to see such a simple thing.  

***

When Harry awoke the first thing he was aware of was that his head was pounding, and he had trouble opening his left eye. The next thing he noticed was Louis Tomlinson, asleep, perched up against the wall, head lolling to the side.  

_That looks uncomfortable,_ Harry thought. Then he turned to get up, and an avalanche of   pain tumbled through his body. He hissed, taking deep breaths as he pulled himself into sitting position, legs swinging off the side of the bed.  

“Fuck,” he cursed as a sharp pain spasmed through his ribcages.  

Harry looked up as Louis began to stir.  _No, no, no,_  Harry pleaded.  _Please don’t wake up yet._  

Louis’s eyes flew open, and connected instantly with Harry’s. Louis sucked in a breath, and Harry could only imagine what his face looked like to Louis at the moment. They didn’t speak for a few minutes, both boys staring at each other, both completely overwhelmed by the other. Louis was the first one to break the eye contact, getting to his feet. 

“You should lay back down,” he croaked, his morning voice raspy. “I’ll fix up something for breakfast.”  

Harry complied without much protest, lying down against his pillows. He cleared his throat, and spoke, his voice very low, cracking multiple times as he tried to get the words out. “You really…don’t…have to do…anything for me.”  

Louis stood in the doorframe and tilted his head to one side, his face very solemn. “You just got the shit beat out of you. I think you’re well deserving of a bit of pampering.”  

Harry snapped his head up to meet Louis’s eyes, instantly recognizing the words,  _his_  own words which he’d spoken over a month ago to a broken boy laying on his sofa. The corners of Harry’s lips tugged up into a small smile, and he nods his head once, giving Louis full permission to take care of him.  

Louis disappeared into the kitchen for a while, and Harry could hear the hum of Zayn’s voice conversing with Louis, though he couldn’t make out individual words. When Louis reappeared he carried two mugs of coffee, and a plate of toast and eggs balanced on top of the mugs. Louis approached the bed and Harry took the plate so that Louis could set down the mugs.  

“I would’ve made tea but….”  

“We’re all out,” Harry finished. “Yeah, I’ll have to get Zayn on that.”  

Louis handed one of the mugs to Harry, and settled down on the floor beside the bed. Harry rolled his eyes and patted a spot on the bed. “Sit.”  

“You sure?” Louis asked, sipping his coffee. 

“ _Yes_ ,” Harry insisted.  

Louis shrugged and hopped on to the bed, sitting cross-legged facing Harry. Harry pulled himself up into sitting position, resting against the headboard as he ate his breakfast. They sat in a comfortable silence for some time, just eating and sipping their coffees. Harry was grateful that Louis had not yet asked what had happened the previous night. Harry’s head was a mess and the events from last night were all blurred together. He still knew what had happened to him, of course he  _knew_ , but he preferred not to relive it.  

Once they finished eating, Harry sat up a little straighter, despite Louis’s protesting. “Louis,” Harry said, his voice sounding so tired.  

“Yeah?”  

Harry took a moment to get enough breath before he spoke again. “I really need to apologize. For ignoring your texts––”  

Louis waved his hand carelessly. “It’s nothing.”  

Harry rolled his eyes. “No, it’s not. It’s not okay for me to keep doing this to you. And I’m  _sorry_.”  

“Well I forgive you,” Louis said quickly.  

“You shouldn’t,” Harry said softly. “I’ve completely walked all over you. I’ve been a dick.”  

“No you haven’t,” Louis protested. “Stop being so hard on yourself. You’re not a dick. I wouldn’t be friends with you if I thought you were a dick.”  

Harry let out a chuckle, and Louis smiled at the sight of him laughing. Then Harry shifted a little, settling back down against his pillows. “Will you lie down with me?” he asked softly, looking up at those bright blue eyes.  

Louis nodded numbly, fumbling with the covers until they were both secure under the tattered, old quilt. Louis’s arms instinctively opened for Harry, and Harry did not think twice about snuggling into them. Speaking into Louis’s chest, Harry asked very quietly, “Will you stay with me?”  

Louis looked down at Harry. “Of course I’ll stay. If you want me to.”  

“What about work?” Harry said, still buried in Louis’s chest.  

“If you want me to stay, I’ll stay.”  

“I want you to stay.” 

Harry finally looked up to face Louis, their eyes meeting. Then, very cautiously, Harry wrapped one hand around Louis’s neck, bringing him down so that their lips could meet.  The kiss was soft and slow and sure and sweet. When they broke away Harry’s head returned to Louis’s chest, listening to the soft thump of his heartbeat. Something welled up inside him, a feeling he wasn’t used to. It was the feeling that had been plaguing Harry for weeks now. It kept threatening to crash over, but Harry kept pushing it down. It couldn’t happen. That wasn’t allowed. But lying there in Louis’s arms the feeling didn’t feel so bad. It was seductive. Harry  _wanted_  to give in to the feeling. But he couldn’t, he couldn’t.  

And yet, deep down, he knew it was already far too late.  

Harry snuggled even closer to Louis, breathing him in, and knew he was being selfish, oh so selfish, but in that moment he decided he really wanted to keep Louis around. 

 


	6. Little Bird//Where We Land

Louis awoke with a groan. The right side of his bed was cold and empty where previously it had been warm and full of Harry. Of course he had run off sometime before morning. He had things to do, places to be. But he still had been there, beside Louis, asleep for countless hours, and that brought a smile to Louis’s face.  

Things were still in limbo, Louis knew that. Ever since the incident a week ago things between Louis and Harry had been…different. It wasn’t a  _bad_  different, it was just, different. There was no explaining it really. Harry wasn’t exactly letting Louis  _in_ , but he wasn’t pushing him  _out_  anymore. They were, comfortable, for the time being.  

The morning after the incident Louis took Harry down to the hospital to get checked out. Nothing was broken, but a lot of questions were asked. Harry had put up quite a bit of a struggle in the beginning, not wanting Louis to take him down to the hospital in the first place, but eventually he gave in. He bullshitted the answers to all the doctor’s questions though. He said he’d gotten into a pretty bad fight. Louis knew Harry couldn’t tell the doctors that it had really been a result of an abusive fucker who beat him up during one of their sessions. But deep down Louis wished he would have said the truth, so Harry could get out of the fucked up lifestyle he was living. Louis hated that he wanted Harry to change, because he was supposed to love him the way he was, and he  _did_ , he just didn’t like seeing Harry get hurt because of it.  

Once they returned from the hospital Louis and Harry went their separate ways. Louis didn’t hear from Harry for a few days, but he had decided to give him some space. And then, mid week, Harry showed up at Starbucks once again, just standing across the street waiting for Louis to get off work, and they settled back into their routine. Louis never asked Harry about what really happened the night he got banged up, he  _wanted_  to ask, but he knew Harry didn’t want to talk about it. So they didn’t. Harry and Louis were sleeping together now too. Louis liked that bit quite a lot. But Harry never stayed for the mornings, and Louis wanted that to change.  

The alarm beeped loudly, causing Louis to perk up and extract himself from his thoughts. He really didn’t want to get up. He slapped down the alarm and rolled out of bed, trudging sluggishly to the shower. He stood in the shower for sometime, letting the water wash over him and wake him up. Then he clamored about, fixing breakfast and getting dressed for work.  

He wouldn’t be seeing much of Harry today because he wouldn’t be able to hang out after work. He had therapy and then he was hanging out with Liam and Niall. He hadn’t been spending enough time with them the past week, so he couldn’t blow them off again. Plus, he was starting to really miss them.  

Work passed as usual, Nicole was blabbering to Louis for most of the time as they filled orders, going on and on about her new boyfriend and how she missed being single but yet she was  _so_  in love. Then she brought up Harry with a smug little expression.  

“What about Harry?” Louis asked in an even tone, trying to focus on making a frappe-something.  

“I see he’s coming around here again. You two official yet?”  

Louis rolled his eyes. “It’s really none of your business, Nik.”  

“Oh come on! I tell you all about  _my_  boyfriend.”  

“I don’t really have a choice,” Louis laughed. “Even if I told you to shut up you’d still talk about him.”  

Nicole laughed and slapped Louis playfully on the shoulder. “Come on, Lou. What’s he like? Where does he work? What’s his favorite color? Movie? Song? Any talents? Is he good in bed? And _don’t_  say you’re not fucking because I can so tell you are!”  

Louis sighed, smiling. “Okay fine. Favorite color: blue. Movie: he claims he doesn’t have one. Song: Sweet Disposition. Talents: I can’t tell you those because they’re naughty.  And yes, the sex is great,” Louis added with a wink. “Now are we done?”  

“What’s he  _like_?” Nicole pressed on.  

Louis hesitated for a moment, thinking about the question. “He’s like, he’s  _different_ ,” Louis began. “He makes me happy even though my life has been pretty bleak for the past few months. He frustrates me to no end, but I love him anyways. He’s sweet, and caring. You should see him with kids, its precious. And he cares for his friends. His life isn’t perfect, but he makes the best of it. I’ve never heard him complain once. His smile takes over his face, it’s so funny. His hair is soft and I love tangling my fingers in it. And then his eyes. Ugh, Nik, his eyes are gorgeous. Their all big, and green, and when he looks at you the eye contact is intense. They’re mesmerizing.”  

Nicole stood staring at Lou, mouth slightly a gape. “Wow,” she said after a moment. “Wow, wow, wow. Now I feel dumb for saying I was in love. Clearly I know absolutely  _nothing_  about what love feels like. Wow wow wow.”  

Louis shook himself, face scrunching up in confusion. “What, no. Love? I mean, yeah I love him but like, I––In love?” his voice went up several octaves.  

“Louis, really? Are you seriously going to try and deny this?” Nicole asked, placing one hand on her hip and staring him down.  

“I–” Louis sighed. “I know  _I_  love him. But it’s not like we’re  _in_  love. He––he’s not like that. He’s not the kind of person ‘does’ love, so to speak.” Louis shuffled around, turning away from Nicole. She pulled on his arm though and swiveled him around.  

“This is upsetting you,” she stated. “Maybe you should talk to him about it. You know, to get everything out there in the open.”  

Louis shook his head numbly. “No. I’ve only just got him to stay around and not disappear on me. I don’t want to do anything to mess that up and give him reason to run out on me again.”  

Nicole went to speak, but just then a stream of customers trailed in and her words were lost as the two scurried about filling orders.  

As soon as his shift ended Louis scrammed out of the coffee shop, not wanting to engage in another conversation where Nicole would press him about his feelings for Harry. He’d already be talking about all his feelings in just a few moments with his therapist.  

His therapist, Joan, knew all about Harry by now. Originally Louis had not planned on sharing Harry with her, but at Liam’s urging he eventually gave in. It had been during the period of time after they had slept together and before Harry had begun hanging out with Louis that he had first brought up Harry during a session. Liam claimed it was unhealthy to keep all those feelings pent up, and that Joan would know how to help him deal with them. Talking always did help, even if Louis didn’t want to admit it to Liam, he was right, talking helped. Louis liked talking about Harry, because well, Harry was his favorite thing. Everyone in Louis’s life was warning him though, warning him about getting too attached, warning him about getting  _addicted_  to the boy.  

“You don’t like it when he leaves?” Joan asked in a level tone.  

Louis swallowed, and nodded his head.  

“Does it upset you? How do you feel about him leaving?”  

“I––I don’t know. I feel pretty empty afterwards,” Louis said staring down at his fidgeting fingers.  

“Depressed?”  

Louis shrugged, “I don’t know, just…empty.”  

“And when you’re with him?”  

“I feel good. Great. Amazing.”  

“So you crave his company?”  

Louis blinked, “I guess, yeah. Well, I mean…yeah.”  

“No, no, what were you going to say,” Joan said, leaning forward in her chair and adjusting her clipboard.  

“Nothing,” Louis said waving his hand carelessly.  

Joan sighed and fixed him with a pointed look, “Louis, I can’t know how to help you if you don’t talk to me. I need you to talk to me. You can say anything here, this is a safe place, free of judgement. Nothing you say leaves these four walls.”  

Louis exhaled loudly, debating for a moment whether to come clean about everything that’s been troubling him for the past week. “Okay,” Louis began. “Okay, well, the thing is, Harry doesn’t really have an, er, ideal, life.”  

“Okay,” Joan nodded, easing back into her seat, clicking her pen and scribbling something down.  

Louis sucked in another breath. “Right, so, he has a lot of shit that he deals with, stuff that he doesn’t really tell me about, but I mean that’s okay, its his choice, I just, I sometimes wish he would talk to me about things, because, like, I want to help him, so much, but I can’t if I don’t know what’s wrong––”  

Louis looked up and met a smirking Joan. “Now you see where I’m coming from,” she laughed.  

Louis smiled, shaking his head before continuing. “Right. Anyway, I’ve been really worried about him lately ever since––”  

“Since?” Joan asked, looking up from her writing.  

Louis sat contemplating for a moment how he wanted to proceed. He didn’t really think it wise to inform Joan that Harry was a prostitute. She’d probably encourage him to not hang out with him anymore because of his “triggering lifestyle” or something like that.  

“Since he got into a fight,” Louis lied easily. “A week ago. He came home all bloody and messed up. He never explained what happened, but it was pretty bad. I––I’ve just been scared something bad is going to happen again. Every time he leaves I get a little panicked that I–I might not see him again.”  

Joan sighed, nodding her head. “Well there you go. Look, Louis, I know you said he doesn’t want to talk about it, but I think  _you_  need to talk about it. With him. This clearly has shaken you up, you both need to discuss it. Discuss how you  _feel_  for each other. You can’t just keep these things in. The key thing in relationships, romantic or otherwise, is always communication.”  

“But I don’t even know how to get him to talk even if he wanted to!” Louis cried, throwing his arms up in exasperation. “He just doesn’t talk about himself. Ever. He talks about everything but his own feelings. I don’t even know where I’d begin.”  

“Well, as someone who’s job it is to get people to open up about their feelings, I think I can help you out,” Joan said with a little smile. “You two should take a day, be just the two of you, and do things that you both enjoy, make sure he’s really comfortable, because if he’s not feeling comfortable he probably won’t want to open up about anything. Then just go somewhere where the two of you can have some privacy and start talking, about anything, but keep in mind where you want the conversation to go. Gradually get onto the topic, but don’t be too pushy. Asking some questions in an unassuming way. And leave it up to him to answer.”  

“I doubt it’ll work––”  

“You won’t know if you don’t try.”  

Louis had calling Harry over in mind as he made his way back home, when he remembered he was due to hang out with Liam and Niall tonight. His phone buzzed just in time, lighting up with a text from Niall asking what was taking him so long. Louis quickly tapped out a reply just as he entered the gated of the apartment complex. Moments later he was strolling into Liam’s flat, pulling his beanie off and flopping down on the sofa beside Niall who was busy texting.  

“Hey,” Niall said without looking away from his phone. “How was the shrink?”  

“It was alright,” Louis said, reaching for a beer before Liam’s hand appeared out of nowhere, swatting Louis’s.  

“You can’t drink!”  

“Oh come on. I was a  _drug_  addict. I can still drink!”  

Liam raised a brow. “Oh really,” he said placing on hand on his hip. “Remember the time you told me before the drugs it was alcohol. Remember the part where you’re still in recovery, still healing. It’s been little over a month. You can’t go back to drinking yet.”  

“It’s  _one_  beer.”  

“And one becomes two which becomes five which become a million! And then a million becomes another fucking problem that you really don’t need to deal with.”  

“But––”  

“Just listen to him,” Niall said in a monotone, still absorbed by his phone.  

“Oh shut up, Nialler,” Louis said shoving him playfully. “And who the hell are you texting?”  

“Been asking him the same thing for an hour,” said Liam strolling away into the kitchen to fetch some snacks.  

“Well?” Louis pressed on, raising an curious brow.  

Niall rolled his eyes. “None of your guys’ business.”  

“Is it a girl?” Liam shouted from the kitchen.  

“Is it a  _boy_?” Louis asked in a smug tone.  

“It’s the bloody Nandos chicken!” 

“ _Really_?” said Liam popping back into the room. “Sal? He’s a really nice guy––”  

“I was joking,” Niall snorted. “Now stop badgering me. Put in the movie.”  

“ _Okay_ , whatever,” Liam said holding out his hands innocently.  

Louis picked up the DVD box, his brows crinkling in confusion. “…A romantic comedy, does that really say––You got a fucking romantic comedy?” Louis said spinning around to face Liam.  

“What?” Liam shrugged. “You love comedy. Plus Niall picked it out.”  

“Niall?” Louis said rounding on the blond.  

Niall burst out in a fit of laughter, though not from anything Louis or Liam had said. He was still starting down at his phone, now clutching at his side as he laughed.  

“Sorry, what?” Niall said a few seconds later looking up at an expectant Louis.  

“Your movie selection?”  

“Oh yeah. Zayn said it was good. I mean––”  

“Zayn?” Louis questioned with a wry smile. 

“Zayn?” asked Liam, looking from Niall to Louis. “Who’s Zayn?”  

“Or should I say Wayne,” Louis pressed on. “Wayne Ma––”  

“Okay, okay!” Niall said loudly, cutting Louis off. “That’s enough. Lets put in the damn movie, shall we?”  

“Fine,” Louis said, turning away with a smirk, and popping the movie into the DVD player.  

“Wait, but, who’s Zayn, though?” asked Liam, still standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. When he was met with no answer he threw his arms into the air helplessly and went back into the kitchen to finish up fixing the snacks. “God, you people never tell me anything,” he muttered under his breath as he went, and both Louis and Niall shared quite little chuckles as they watched him disappear into the kitchen.  

The movie turned out to be not so bad. Louis enjoyed it enough, and the evening turned out to be a successful distraction; Louis didn’t even notice that Harry hadn’t contacted him at all the entire day until he was safely tucked away in his own flat, already showered and curled up in bed with the lights off. It was then that a sudden bout of panic hit him. It came out of nowhere. One moment he was fine and then, there was skin crawling shiver and a flash of Harry’s bloodied and bruised body, and soon Louis was sitting bolt upright, completely paranoid. He reached out for his phone and scrolled through his inbox frantically, searching for a text he’d surely missed, anything to assure him that Harry was well and good.  

He hadn’t missed any texts. The most recent one from Harry was a day old, offering Louis no comfort. He ran his hand through his air, trying to get a grip on himself.  _Harry ‘s fine, Harry’s fine, Harry’s fine. If something was wrong Danielle or Zayn would let me know. Harry’s fine, Harry’s fine, Harry’s fine._   

Still there was something unsettling, a feeling he couldn’t quite shake, and so before Louis knew what he was doing he had the cold phone pressed against his ear, the dial tone ringing as he waited for Harry to answer, just a simple indication that he was alright. But it kept ringing, and Louis began to whimper impatiently when it was  _still_  ringing, over and over and over, his head was spinning and all he wanted to hear was–– 

“ _Hey––”_  

“Harry!”  

_“Looks like you’ve reached my phone. Sorry, if I’m not answering I either don’t particularly like you, or, most likely, I’m busy. Get back to you…maybe. Maybe not. Drop a message if you’d like. I probably won’t check it though….*Beep*”_  

The phone fell from Louis’s hand and he curled up into a tight ball under the sheets. His thoughts were still scattered, his mind still racing a million miles a second, thinking of Harry, his chest pounding violently from the irrational panic he felt, coursing through is veins. Sleep washed over him eventually, but it wasn’t peaceful. He violently lurched up from bed multiple times, awaking from bloody nightmares full of unconscious Harrys.  

He couldn’t take the anxiety, and gave up on any prospects of sleep soon after the fifth nightmare. Part of the reason his paranoia was so bad was due to the uncomfortable itch crawling inside him. A little tug that was trying to lure him to drown out from the world via some substance, drugs, alcohol, anything to take the edge off. He’d felt it earlier, but had pushed it down to get through work, and therapy, and hanging out with friends. But now it was back, on top of the panic he felt for Harry’s safety, and everything was threatening to boil over.  

Louis sat himself on the sofa with a cup of tea and clicked the TV on, the blueish glow filling the room and a loud blaring sound startling a very dazed and tired Louis. He quickly clicked the mute button, and then sat, numbly staring at the television and sipping his tea until the tea was no longer hot and the room not longer dark.  

It was just about 6:00am, the flat now dimly lit by the early morning light, when Louis was properly roused from his thoughts by a desperate sort of pounding on the door. Louis turned to stare at the door, perplexed at who would be knocking so early, but not really thinking about _actually_  answering it. The pounding continued, and Louis continued to stare, until his phone started buzzing and beeping, the screen flashing to life with Harry’s name. Louis’s hand dived for the phone, flipping it open and getting to his feet in one swift motion, suddenly brought back to life. His blood was pumping quicker as he approached the door. Louis’s eyes quickly scanned over the text.  

**From: Harry**

_Lou, open the goddamn door!_

**Time: 6:07 am**  

He received two more similar ones in the time it took him to get from the sofa to the door. Then he extended his arm, hand connecting with the door knob, before all but violently swinging it open. He had barely a second to register Harry’s presence on his threshold, before the boy completely flung himself at Louis, lips colliding and limbs tangling up. Harry pushed the remainder of the way into the flat and began guiding them both down the already familiar path to Louis’s bedroom.  

“Harry,” Louis mumbled breathlessly against Harry’s lips. Harry ignored his squirming and tore through the bedroom door, knocking them onto the bed. They broke apart for a moment, and in the dim morning light Louis looked up at his kind-of-sort-of-boyfriend, the boy he was crazy about, and who he’d stayed up worrying himself sick over. Harry’s eyes were dark and his expression hungry. His eyes flicked over Louis’s body, not holding eye contact for too long. Harry was breathing heavily, taking in all of Louis, sprawled under him. Louis reached up slowly, hands searching for Harry’s belt buckle, Harry’s eyes flicked down to the hands before slapping them away, and pinning Louis down, lips coming back down against Louis’s kissing fast and hard.  

Harry let go of Louis’s hands and then roughly undid his own belt, yanking off his pants before doing the same to Louis.  

“Turn around,” Harry said, his voice sounding low and rougher than usual. He lightly slapped Louis’s thigh in urgency, as Louis propped himself up on his hands and knees. Both their shirts were still on, but Louis realized Harry didn’t seem to care at this point. This wasn’t the first time Harry had urgently arrived at Louis’s with sex in mind. It had happened a few times now, with Harry storming in and going straight at it without a word. During times like these Harry was in complete control. Louis liked topping, but Harry seemed to like it more, and he rarely ever got to top with clients anyway. So Louis let Harry have his control with him. Though Louis couldn’t help but feel like today there was something different. He didn’t have much time to ponder the thought though before Harry was inside him, and a white-hot bliss took over.  

It was rough and quick at first, but slowly Harry began to lose his power hungry stride and then they were low on the bed, going slow and gentle, touching and kissing everywhere. Shirts still on Louis, made to pull off Harry’s. Harry’s hands gently clasped over Louis’s, distracting him with a deep kiss and he pulled their hands away and back down to the bed. Louis moaned softly against Harry’s lips, body involuntarily arching up and bumping against Harry’s.  

Louis felt Harry’s body jerk up and then he heard a low hiss. Immediately, Louis’s eyes snapped open, propping himself up on his elbows. Harry pushed back down, trying to regain control.  

“Harry,” Louis whispered, reaching his hand out for Harry’s face.  

“Stop it.”  

“What’s the matter?” Louis asked softly, titling his head to the side to get a good view of Harry’s face.  

“Nothing,” Harry replied, refusing to make eye contact.  

“You’re hurt again, aren’t you?”  

“I’m  _fine_.”   

Louis knew it was a lie, of course he knew, but he also knew Harry needed this, he needed this escape, and so Louis let Harry kiss him. And then he did everything right to make sure Harry felt safe. He kissed, he touched, and carefully caressed. And finally he got a smile out of the boy.  

“Stop it,” Harry giggled, as Louis caressed and kissed his way down Harry’s hips and thighs. “That tickles!”  

“You’re always so ticklish,” Louis said rolling his eyes. And then he planted another fluttering kiss on the inside of Harry’s thigh and the boy was gone once more in a fit of laughter.  

A while later the two lay sprawled across the mattress breathing heavily and covered in sweat. Louis flipped to face Harry, arms pulling him in.  

“Can you stay?”  

Harry gave Louis a knowing look and shook his head a fraction of an inch, eyes telling him he was sorry.  

“Please?” Louis tried again, softly, pressing light butterfly kisses on Harry’s collarbone.  

“I can’t. I have to––”  

“Work, yeah I know,” Louis said, his tone going a bit sour as he pulled away from Harry to let him up.  

“Actually babysit,” Harry said with a smirk. “But it’s good to see you’re so jealous. It’s cute.”  

“ _It’s cute_ ,” Louis mocked, in a high pitched voice.  

Harry rolled his eyes and pulled on his pants.  

“Who are you babysitting? Lily?”  

“And her brother. Their mum, Rebecca, works like crazy shifts, she’s barely even around, so pretty much everyone at Lego takes care of the kids. And today is my turn.”  

“I can come you know, to help you out. Lily loves me.”  

“Thanks but, you have work today,” Harry reminded.  

Louis groaned. “I can get some to cover––”  

Harry cut him off with a kiss. “I have to go. I’ll call you later, yeah? And go shower, you smell like sex.”  

Louis was feeling good, until about ten minutes later, when the thrill of sex with Harry had died down, the distraction gone, and the familiar itch from before was back. Maybe they were all right, maybe he  _was_  getting addicted to Harry. Or maybe these feelings Harry gave him were all too intense, and he needed something to drown them out. Either way he was hitting a wall, he was itching for a fix, he didn’t  _want_  it, but his body was saying otherwise.  

Louis reached for his mobile, dialing Liam’s number. He needed Liam to come and sit him down and mother him, keep him under control.  

The phone rang and rang before going to voicemail. Louis exhaled in frustrations and hung up. Next he tried Niall. It went straight to voicemail.  

“Fuck,” Louis muttered under his breath, sitting down on the edge of the sofa, burying his head in his knees. “Think, think, think.”  

Suddenly all the methods and techniques he’d been taught for moments like this were slipping away from him. He couldn’t think of what to do; he didn’t know how to calm himself down.  

And then suddenly Danielle’s voice was echoing in his head.  _You know what’s real good for staying relaxed? Meditation. I do it all the time, it’s super calming._  

Meditation. He could do that, Louis thought, getting to his feet and walking to the center of the room.  

“Meditation, right, just, what, breathing exercises and saying ‘aum, aum.’”  

Louis sat down on the floor, crossing his legs and closing his eyes while breathing in deeply. He sat like that for a minute before exhaling and sinking down to lay on the floor. “I have a feeling I’m not doing this right.”  

He turned to his laptop, which was sat on the floor some feet away, and pulled it into his lap, quickly typing out a search for meditation techniques. He scrolled through the long Wikipedia article impatiently, before setting his laptop aside and reaching for his phone. He didn’t like bothering people, but it wouldn’t hurt to try.  

The phone rang three times before Louis was met with a cheery, “Hello!”  

“Danielle, hey, it’s Lou.”  

“Louis! What can I do for you, love?”  

“I was just, erm, wondering…remember the other day when we were talking about my rehab and you mentioned meditation as like a calming exercise?”  

“Yep. What about it?” 

“Well, I’ve kind of been having a rough time, I–I’m kind of in crisis actually, and Liam and Niall won’t pick up their phones and Harry’s busy babysitting, and I’m gonna crack if I don’t do something quick and I can’t think of the relapse prevention exercises I learned and I’m fucking up and––”  

“Hold up, calm down, it’s okay. Listen, I can be over at your place in a few, just give me your address.” 

“No, no, really I don’t want to be a bother. Its fine––”  

“Louis. Shut. Up. I’m coming over there, okay? Now just give me your address.”  

Louis exhaled loudly, rubbing a hand over his face. “Fine, okay. You got something to write with?”  

Twenty minutes––and a lot of nervous pacing––later there was a knock on the door announcing Danielle had arrived. Louis scrambled to the door, opening it to meet a frazzled Danielle. She quickly ushered herself in, embracing Louis in a half hug due to the grocery bags she was holding.  

“Hey, Lou. I was doing some shopping when you called, I picked up some tea and a few things to fix up some lunch later.”  

“Oh you really didn’t have to––”  

“Hush. Stop being so goddamn modest,” she scolded playfully, setting down the groceries on the kitchen counter.  

A few moments later Danielle was leading Louis off to the sofa, a kettle already brewing. They sat down and then she turned to face Louis, resting her chin in her hand as she propped her elbow on the back of the sofa. “Now what’s been troubling you, babe?” 

“I thought we were going to meditate,” Louis said completely lost.  

Danielle rolled her eyes waving her hand carelessly through the air. “Yeah, yeah, we have plenty of time for that. But first you need to let it all out. Talk to me, Tomlinson.”  

Louis took a deep breath, trying to get a reign on his thoughts. His thoughts were everywhere really, he was thinking about too many things, and that was the problem, it was overwhelming him. “I’m fucked up,” he said simply with a shrug.  

“Well yeah, I think we’re all a little fucked up. Now elaborate,” Danielle said, gesturing for him to go on.  

Louis sighed. “I don’t know, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Some days I’m peachy, perfectly fine, and other days it feels like the world is crashing down around me. Sometimes I’m calm, other times I’m erratic. It’s a never ending cycle of highs and lows. And I need consistency, I want consistency. But when I don’t get it then I crack, and I don’t know how to handle the different range in emotions and feelings and then I just get that  _itch_  and I just want to drown it all out.”  Louis paused to catch his breath, having blurted everything out so quickly.  

“I can understand that, I can, really. Sometimes it seems easier to just escape from what you’re feeling. Push it away, drown it out. But Louis, honey, that’s not healthy, and I know you know that.”  

“I know, I do,” Louis nodded. “Its like, I don’t  _want_  to do it, but it feels like I  _need_  to.”  

“Is there anything in particular that’s got you overwhelmed lately?” Danielle asked, and there was a knowing tone in her voice.  

“Well yeah, Harry of course.”  

“Ah,” Danielle said, tipping her head back, “of course.”  

“I’ve just been worried ever since, you know….”  

Danielle sighed and readjusted herself on the sofa, crossing her legs and turning her whole body towards Louis. “Look, Louis, I know you’re worried about him, but Harry’s a big boy, he’s been taking care of himself for a long time now, and the other night was just a fluke. He’s a careful guy, he can weed out the bad guys from the good guys, he’s not gonna go around letting some shit beat up on him, so you don’t have to worry about that. And as for your  _feelings_  for him, you love him, and that’s a pretty big thing, but Harry doesn’t really––understand––love. He’s complicated, I’m not gonna lie. I love him to death, and he’s a dear friend, but he doesn’t let people in very much. Not many people really  _know_  him, if you get what I’m saying. So don’t take it personally if he’s not being as––affectionate––as you are towards him. It’s just not something he’s used to.”  

“I know that, and I get it, but, I just wish he’d  _talk_  to me. I mean, like, I tell him so much about me, and he rarely ever shares anything with me. I feel like there’s something missing, like there’s an imbalance. I’m not even sure what our fucking relationship status is!” 

“You should probably talk to him about that one,” Danielle laughed, “But really, he holds a lot in. He doesn’t like being the center of attention, he doesn’t like making people worry about him. Its hard to get anything out of him. Trust me though, you mean something to him. He wouldn’t bother with you if you didn’t.”  

Louis smiled tightly and nodded. “I guess you’re right.”  

“You know what, fuck it,” Danielle said throwing her arms up in the air. “Don’t tell him I told you this okay or he’ll kill me. But he loves the park,  _loves_  the park. Especially at night. Its probably his most favorite thing in the world, don’t ask me why, he just loves it. He likes to lay in the grass and look up at the non-existent stars since you can’t see shit here in London. He’s spent whole nights in the park just staring up at the sky ‘til sunrise. He loves these little ham and cheese sandwiches too, cut diagonally down the middle, and apple juice, he  _loves_  apple juice. He’s such a child, I swear. He loves all sorts of Haribos and Jelly Babies too. Any kind of candy is great. So, Tomlinson, this is what you got to do: Get a picnic basket, fill it up with all this shit, grab a blanket, and take the kid to the park. He’ll love you forever, I swear.”  

Louis let out a barking laugh, before all but pouncing on Danielle in a bone-crushing hug. “Fucking hell you’re amazing, really.”  

“I try,” Danielle smirked with a shrug. “Now, how abouts we meditate, yeah? Get you all calmed down.” 

Meditating turned out to be full of giggles. Louis proved to be shit at all the poses and stances, and Danielle playfully scolded him multiple times for fucking up. They had made little progress and it seemed like no time had passed at all before it was soon late afternoon and lunch had come and gone. They were sprawled across the floor eating salads and fancy chicken when the front door swung open, the two shooting their heads up instantly.  

Liam strolled into the flat lazily, still not having noticed the two on the floor. “LOUIS! You home?––Oh hey!”  

Liam spotted Louis and circled around the sofa before stopping dead in his tracks. “Oh, I–uh, sorry, Lou. I didn’t know you had guests. I–I can just, go,” Liam stammered, pointing towards the door.  

Louis rolled his eyes but Danielle didn’t notice. She was getting to her feet with a big smile on her face. “Oh please, I was just leaving anyway. You must be Liam. Louis’s told me loads about you and Niall. I’m Danielle by the way.” She held out her hand, which Liam stared at for a good half a minute before tentatively shaking it.  

“Hi,” Liam squeaked. “I’m Liam. But yeah, you, already know that.”  

Danielle smiled radiantly before turning to Louis. “Hey so I think I’d better get going. But we’re _so_  not done with this,” she began to giggle, “meditation stuff. We’re gonna keep working on it, you hear me?” she said, pointing her finger at him.  

Louis grinned, “Yes, yes, of course.”  

“Alrighty,” Danielle smiled, satisfied. “Bye, babes,” she said pecking a quick kiss on the cheek before gathering up her things. “It was real nice meeting you, Liam,” she added, before departing.  

Louis turned to stare at Liam, lounging back on the palms on his hands, just watching his mate who stood, completely frozen, staring at the door. It was a full minute before Louis chose to speak.  

“So, um, can you not get drool all over my carpet?”  

Liam instantly snapped back to life and shot Louis a withering stare. “Oh fuck off.” 

Liam stayed over for a bit, and Louis recounted his days turmoil. Then, later that evening Louis went in to fill a late shift at work before calling Harry afterwards. With pretty much everyone urging Louis to talk to Harry, and Danielle’s picnic in the park suggestion, Louis made plans with him to spend the following day together.  

Harry came by early the next morning, effectively waking Louis up, and baring a little surprise.  

“Water guns?” Louis inquired, raising a brow, when he opened the door to find Harry flasing two giant toy guns in his face.  

“Water guns,” Harry confirmed, “Water guns…filled with whipped cream,” Harry smirked, suggestively.  

Louis’s eyes widened, a grin tugging at the corner of his lips. “Does that really work?”  

“We’ll just have to try it out, now won’t we?”  

Louis all but flung himself at Harry, arms wrapping around his neck as Harry rested his wrists against Louis’s hips, lips locking furiously. Louis pulled Harry into the apartment, hands fumbling to remove Harry’s clothes and prying one of the guns from Harry’s hand. 

Louis charged up the gun, laughing as Harry’s kisses tickled down his neck. “You ready, Styles?” he asked, pulling away and aiming the toy at the boy’s face.  

“Oh I’m ready,” Harry assured, pointing his own gun at Louis.  

And then they made quite a mess.  

Whipped cream flew everywhere, covering their bodies, tangling in their hair, and filling their mouths. Naturally they had to clean up such a mess.  

“Your tongue is ticklish as fuck,” Harry hissed trying to hold back a laugh  

“Oh shut up,” Louis scoffed, “You love it.”  

“I do,” Harry mused, with a lazy smile, allowing his eyes to flutter shut.  

There were bruises all over Harry’s body, and of course Louis noticed them, because it was hard not to when they were a rainbow of colors against his pale skin. But Louis knew better than to ask when Harry was so blissfully happy. Serious topics could wait, Louis told himself. Only a few more hours, and then they’d be laying under the stars in the park and they could talk about all the serious things they needed to talk about.  

“My turn,” Harry said startling Louis from his thoughts. Harry was now propped up on his elbows staring down at Louis hungrily.  

Louis flipped himself down onto the bed, resting his arms behind his head and letting Harry eat up every inch of him.  

“Do you mind if I top again today?” Harry asked after some time, looking up from Louis’s body.  

Louis shrugged. “No, it’s fine.” Louis found it odd that Harry would even ask, they never really discussed it, they just did whatever they felt like doing. Louis could sense something was up, but he couldn’t place his finger on it.  

“You sure?” Harry pressed on, licking off the last remainders of whipped cream.  

“Yeah, of course. What’s going on, Haz?”  

Harry raised a brow. “Nothing, I was just asking is all. I know you like topping too so, I didn’t want to make you bottom if you didn’t want to.”  

Louis rolled his eyes. “You don’t have to  _ask_ ,” he said pulling Harry closer. “At least not with me.”  

“Well alright then,” Harry said with a quick peck.  

It was a while later that they lay panting, breathlessly trying to form words.   

“Fucking hell.”  

“Fucking hell.”  

“Can we do that again?”  

“I don’t think I can move.”  

“We’re doing that again.”  

“Harry, I really can’t move.”  

“Fucking hell.”  

“Fucking hell.”  

The two boys lay, covered in sweat, and properly fucked up. Neither moved for quite some time, laying beside each other, arms touching, pulses beating erratically.  

Louis quite honestly could not move, every muscle was aching, but it was a welcoming ache, because everything that had caused it had felt so good. Louis fell asleep quickly. Harry stayed awake, his body accustomed to the post sex exhaustion. He watched Louis sleep, the way he had countless times before. He loved watching Louis sleep, because Louis was alway so peaceful in sleep. It was refreshing to see Louis calm, when he was usually so wound up, always worrying about something.  

It was this sight that Harry always had to leave seeing. A peaceful and content Louis, and it hurt a little every time to walk away. He didn’t like that it hurt. He didn’t like what that meant. Because leaving never hurt. Harry had always been leaving, his whole life revolved around never staying, never getting attached to anyone or anything, always leaving, always running. But for the first time, leaving hurt. And he didn’t like it one bit.  

But Harry wasn’t leaving today.  

Harry quietly settled down beside Louis, and shut his eyes, allowing the exhaustion to take over, and letting himself drift off to sleep.  

When they both awoke it was late afternoon. The sky was already turning dark, and Louis jumped out of bed, before remembering how sore he was.  

“Fuck,” he hissed.  

“Sorry,” Harry winced, seeing how much Louis was hurting.  

“No, its fine,” Louis assured. “Lets get cleaned up, yeah?” 

“What’s the rush,” Harry asked sprawling out across the bed.  

“We have things to do, my friend,” Louis replied, dashing into the bathroom. “Come on!”  

Harry shook his head, folding his arms. “If we shower together I promise you we will not get clean and I’ll end up fucking you against the wall.”  

Louis blinked at Harry, mouth slightly hanging open. “Well…okay then. I’ll shower first and then you?”  

Harry smirked. “Sounds good.”  

Louis was quick with showering, he didn’t want to waste anymore time. Once he was done he dashed out and pushed Harry into the bathroom, shutting the door so he could gather up all the things for the picnic.  

Louis didn’t own a picnic basket, because well, he never had reason to own one, so instead he grabbed an old duffle bag and filled it up with all the essentials. A grabbed a blanket, quickly made the sandwiches, and threw in the rest of the items just as Harry was poking out of the bathroom. 

“Lou?”  

“Kitchen!” Louis called.  

A few moments later Harry emerged, fully dressed, shaking a towel through his hair.  

“What are you doing?”  

“Nothing,” Louis said innocently.  

“Are you going somewhere?” Harry asked poking his head towards the large bag.  

Louis looked at it, and then back to Harry before replying. “ _We’re_  going somewhere.”  

“Oh really?”  

“Really,” Louis said before flashing a big smile and taking hold of Harry’s hand. “Come on, it’s getting late.”  

Louis tugged Harry along through the door, duffle bag over his shoulder.  

They descended to the first floor and then Louis led Harry over towards a car. Harry gave him a questioning look as they approached. “It’s Liam’s,” Louis clarified. “He lets me borrow it though. I even have my own key, see!” Louis held up the key chain, displaying it with a grin.  

“Oh,” Harry nodded, with a little laugh.  

They quickly settled into the car, driving off, towards the park, though the destination was still unknown to Harry. A few minutes into the ride he started badgering Louis to tell him where they were going.  

“It’s a surprise!” Louis protested.  

“Oh come on, please?” Harry pouted his lower lip, eyes getting all big and innocent.  

Louis swatted him away, shoving him playfully on the shoulder. “Stop it. Stop that right now, it’s not going to work.”  

“Alright then,” Harry said reclining back in his seat. This time his face turned smug, eyes dark and lips smirking as his hands began to trail down to his–– 

“HARRY!”  

“Will you tell me?”  

“No.”  

“Then you’re just going to have to watch.” 

“You’re awful,” Louis said, trying to keep his attention focused on the road. 

“Hmmm. Oooh yeah. Fuck that’s good,” Harry moaned tauntingly.  

“Harold. Be a good boy and let me fucking surprise you.”  

Harry bursted out laughing, hands clapping as he tipped his head back. “Alright, alright. I let you _fucking_  surprise me. Oh, does this surprise involve fucking? Was that a clue? I love fucking. Its so––” 

“Harry. Shut. Up.”  

Harry chuckled softly. “Okay.” And then they settled into a comfortable silence for the remainder of the ride.  

The silence was nice, not that Louis didn’t like it when they talked, because that was always better, he loved when he and Harry talked. That was the purpose of this whole evening, to  _talk_  to Harry, but the silence felt nice too. It wasn’t awkward in any way, it felt  _safe_. It was comfortable, and secure, that they could just be together, be with each other, and even if they weren’t talking or really doing anything, they could still feel content. It felt good to be able to share that with another person, Louis liked the feeling.  

They were nearing the park, the ride was a short one, and Louis couldn’t help but look at Harry to see his reaction as he pulled up to the park, cutting the engine.  

“The park?” Harry asked, the corners of his lips twitching up into a smile. 

Louis nodded enthusiastically.  

Harry continued smiling happily, eyes suddenly big and wide as he turned them from Louis and back towards the window. “Cool,” and there was a certain awe in his voice that Louis had never heard before, but fell in love with quickly.  

Louis grabbed the duffle bag from the back seat and the two of them stepped out of the car and walked into the park. They continued on, a little way, until Harry stopped abruptly.  

“Here,” he said, before promptly plopping down on the ground.  

“Okay,” Louis nodded, retreating back and sitting down opposite him.  

They were sat on the grass, in the center of a triangle of sorts, the three points being a bench, the playground, and a big old tree.  

“So what’ve you got in that bag of yours?” Harry asked a few moments later, pointing to the duffle bag now sitting beside Louis. 

“Oh, right!” Louis said, suddenly reminded of the bag’s existence. “Well lets have a look, shall we?” 

He placed the bag between them and then unzipped it, allowing Harry to peek in.  

“I see food,” Harry declared.   

“You are correct!” Louis exclaimed, placing his hands inside the bag and pulling out the container that held the sandwiches. “Ham and cheese,” Louis added, opening the container.  

“And cut diagonally,” Harry smiled, eyes glinting, “Nice.”  

“We also have some beverages,” Louis went on in his animated voice. “Apple juice, fit for kings.”  

Harry continued to grin, pursing his lips together trying to fight the smiles as Louis continued to pull things out of the bag.  

“Haribos and Jelly Babies, because really, who doesn’t love these things? Some chocolate chip cookies, I wish I could say I made these myself, but it was actually Niall, he bakes,” Louis shrugged. “Oh and a blanket, because no picnic is complete with out a one, right? Harry? Hello?”  

Harry blinked, looking up at Louis, still a little dazed. “Sorry, just, wow. You didn’t have to do all of this. I mean, why did you?”  

“Is it too much? God I’m sorry Haz––” Louis said, suddenly panicking that Harry would run off into the night.  

Harry’s eyes widened, “No, no, it’s not bad. I––I just––no one’s ever done anything like this for me.”  

“Oh.” Louis settled a bit, mulling over that thought.  

“It’s nice though. Better than nice,” Harry went on. “I––I really like parks.”  

Suddenly Harry looked so young. He was smiling up at Louis, shyly, almost like a child, and Louis couldn’t help but move closer to him. He’d never, ever seen Harry like this. Sure he’d seen Harry laugh and smile before, but the glow in his eyes was so different this time. Carefully and cautiously, Louis laced their fingers together, and pulled the two of them off the ground so they could spread out the blanket. Then, as they were tumbling back down, Louis couldn’t help but lean over and kiss Harry. It was quick, and nervous, yet soft and gentle. He felt a bit like a child himself then, like two kids sharing an awkward first kiss. Harry didn’t question the kiss though. He didn’t pull away, shocked at the unexpectedness. He simply allowed his eyes to flutter shut, and kissed back just as gently, their lips fluttering softly against each other.  

When they pulled away Harry was smiling, and Louis felt his heart hammering inside his chest, ready to burst, because kisses like that weren’t a common occurrence with Harry.  Their kisses were often feverish and needy. The gentle ones were hard to come by. But Harry wasn’t withdrawing into himself, if anything, he was nudging closer to Louis as they began to eat their sandwiches.  

It was quiet for a few moments, and Louis didn’t know where the question came from, but without preamble he asked, “Are you okay, Haz?”  

Harry turned to him eyes bright and face solemn. “Yeah, of course. Juice?” Harry held out the bottle to Louis, and Louis took a gulp of it, all the while allowing Harry to easily wiggle out of talking.  

Louis decided to ask something less intense, start off small and build up to talking about the bigger thing. Casually, Louis asked him why he liked parks so much.  

“I don’t know,” Harry shrugged, chewing a mouthful of sandwich. “I just always have,” he swallowed and set down the remainder of his sandwich while dusting crumbs off his hands. “As a kid I would alway go to the park. It’s just––peaceful, you know? Like you could just sit here for hours, in your own little world. There was a park right near my house, and I would always go there, sometimes even sleep there, just under the stars, totally quiet and comfortable.”  

“Where did you used to live?” Louis asked without giving the question much thought. He quickly regretted it when he noticed Harry visibly tense for a moment, but Harry quickly relaxed and answered the question in an even tone.  

“A town in Cheshire,” he said simply.  

“Oh. When did you move to London, then?” Louis asked, now curious since it seemed like Harry had been living in the city for such a long time.  

“Um, about two years ago, I think. I was sixteen, yeah.”  

“You moved here a  _sixteen_? By yourself?”  

Harry shifted uncomfortably, picking at his sandwich, eyes downcast. “Erm, yeah.”  

Louis knew they were entering personal territory now, and he knew he should just stop, but he continued to ask. “Why?”  

Harry sighed, glistening eyes flickering up to meet Louis. “I––my mum had passed away, and my sister was off to Uni, and I never knew my dad…there was really nothing left for me to stick around for.” 

All at once Louis felt terrible. “I’m so sorry,” Louis said, suddenly beside Harry. “I’m an idiot. I shouldn’t have asked you any stupid questions. Please don’t be upset.”  

Harry shook his head, looking up at Louis, eyes blinking rapidly to ward off tears. “No its fine. I’m fine. That was a long time ago, it’s okay. Plus, you deserve to know things about me,” he said quietly.  

Louis settled back down, arms still wrapped around Harry, “I only want to know things that you’re comfortable with telling me,” Louis said solemnly, cupping Harry’s face in his hands.  

“You can ask me things, you know?” Harry said quietly.  

“Well then, hmm, lets see,” Louis said stroking his chin comically. “How about, what did you want to be when you were little? Like for when you grew up.” 

Harry cracked a smile and put on a pondering expression. “Well, when I was  _really_  little I wanted to be a superhero,”   

“Oh really?” Louis asked, his eye brows shooting up beneath his fringe. “You fancy spanex suits?”  

Harry let out a barking laugh before shaking his head. “I just thought it would be cool. You know, to save people and stuff.”  

“Well you did a pretty good job of saving me,” Louis said with a small smile. “You even hopped over a fence and everything. We were in a dark alley too.”  

Harry rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. “Yeah well I couldn’t just leave a pretty boy like you to die.”  

“I’m pretty? Do you mean it!” Louis jested, giggling like a teenage girl. “Oh Harry, that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me,” he continued in a high pitched voice. 

Harry shoved him playfully, but in the process their bodies only got closer.  

“So did you want to be anything other than a superhero?” Louis asked, regaining himself.  

Harry shrugged. “When I got older I wanted to do music.”  

“Music? Like playing or singing?”  

“Both I suppose,” said Harry. “I can play the guitar, and piano. And a bit of drums.”  

“And can you sing?”  

“Um, sort of. I’m not that great though. That’s why  _that_  dream never happened.”  

Louis shook his head, unbelieving. “I bet you sound great.”  

Harry snorted, “But you haven’t heard me sing.”  

“Then sing for me,” Louis suggested with a wry little smile.  

Harry shook his head. “No, no. I don’t sing in front of people.”  

“Well then  _that’s_  probably why your dream never came true. Come on, sing for me,  _please_ ,” Louis said, mimicking Harry from earlier and pouting his lip.  

“Maybe later,” Harry said, laying down on the blanket and looking up at the sky.  

Louis laid down too, his body going in the opposite direction from Harry’s, but their head were side by side. “What about you?” Harry asked after a moment.  

“Huh?” Louis said turning his head towards Harry’s.  

“What did you want to be?”  

“Oh. Um, first I wanted to be an astronaut, then a Power Ranger, then a football player, an actor, and then lastly a drama teacher. That’s what I was in Uni for before I dropped out.”  

“So you were almost going to get to be what you wanted,” Harry said quietly. “You should go back.”  

Louis sighed. “It’s too late. And I have no money, and my mum doesn’t even know I’ve dropped out yet. She’s going to kill me when she finds out.”  

“But you have to go back, Lou,” Harry said again, this time a little more urgency in his voice. “Look, you can still turn things around, you still have a shot at everything you’ve ever wanted. You don’t want to end up like…well, like me.”  

“Harry––” Louis began, lifting himself off the blanket.  

“No,” Harry said holding up a hand. “Please don’t. Don’t start feeling sorry. I know my life, and I know that it’s not ideal. But I’m not looking for pity. I’m not looking for help. I just want you to have the best, okay, because you deserve that, and you have to go back to school, Lou.”  

Louis shook his head, “Harry, please, stop putting yourself beneath me. You deserve the best too.”  

“It’s too late for me to fix things,” Harry said, getting a bit exasperated. Louis could not over look the fact that Harry’s lip had begun to tremble and his eyes were shining with fresh tears, threatening to freefall down his cheeks.  

“No, Harry, it’s not. I’m here, I’ll help you,” Louis said, thumbing away the tears that had begun to slip from Harry’s eyes. “Please let me help you,” Louis whispered, pulling Harry into his arms.   

And Louis felt Harry nod his head, giving in.  

“Are you okay?” Louis asked again, this time asking not just for the moment, but for all the moments, for all the hours and days and weeks that he had known Harry.  

Harry looked up at him with a soft expression before nodding his head and saying, “I will be.”  

Louis reached down and interlocked his fingers with Harry’s, kissing his knuckles softly. “Alright then,” he whispered. “Then let’s let the good times flow in, yeah?”  

Harry smiled tightly, and whispered back a quiet, “Yeah,” before the two of them rested their bodies down on the blanket, lying together, bodies perfectly intertwined, staring  up at the at the non-existent stars and listening to the soft rustle of the wind and the even softer puffs of their own breaths. 


	7. Sofa//Gold Rush

It was funny how quickly things fell into place. Louis and Harry settled into a quiet state of normalcy, or, as normal as the two of them could manage. Life went on in a mundane and unexciting sort of way. Louis still worked Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. He still went to group sessions twice a week at the clinic, and weekly therapy sessions with Joan once a week. He meditated with Danielle, and hung out with Liam and Niall. And the remainder of his time was spent with Harry.  

Harry’s schedule was still sporadic; he still spent long hours working, and little time sleeping, but that was nothing new. What was new was Louis; Louis in the morning, and Louis at night. Falling asleep and waking up beside him. They didn’t spend every night together, but the nights that they did were always nights that they both looked forward too.  

Things were comfortable, things had settled down.  

It had been two weeks since the picnic in the park. Since then Louis had noticed a change in Harry, he was significantly happier. He smiled more, laughed more, and tensed up less. Louis liked to think that maybe he was getting through to him, that maybe something within Harry was changing, the natural instinct to pull away from people melting away.  

But they were still taking things slow, still testing the waters. They weren’t ‘together’ in any conventional way. They slept together, but that didn’t really mean much, especially considering that Harry slept with  _many_  people on a regular basis. They spent time together, but that didn’t mean much either, friends spent time together too. And they still weren’t labeling anything, (despite the fact that Zayn frequently referred to them as ‘the boyfriends’).  

Things were simply comfortable.  

So comfortable, in fact, that they found themselves sat on the sofa many times, doing absolutely nothing. They were also spending quite a lot of time at Lego House now, as opposed to Louis’s flat. Why? They had no idea. But it worked, and Lego House was always much more entertaining, though privacy was hard to come by.  

“Oi! This is a family room! None of that down here.”  

“ _Dani_ ,” Harry groaned, rolling off Louis and glaring daggers at his friend.  

“Don’t you Dani me. Take the snogging and  _touching_  upstairs, yeah?” Danielle said pointedly.  

“But Zayn’s up there,” Harry whined.  

Louis silently nodded his head.  

Danielle arched a delicate brow. “Zayn’s actually home? Wow. That’s a shock. Go to Lou’s then.”  

Both boy grumbled in protest.  

Danielle sighed exasperatedly. “Good God, you two are impossible. Fine, carry on, but don’t come crying to me when the kids come down and catch you guys doing something naughty.  _I_ won’t be dealing with Rebecca!”  

Harry and Louis exchanged looks. No, dealing with Rebecca would not be good. “Fine, we’ll kick Zayn out.”  

Danielle gave them a satisfied nod, and then turned towards the front door. “Oh wait, Lou?”  

“Yeah?” Louis said, both he and Harry getting to their feet.  

“We still on for tomorrow afternoon? Meditating?”  

Louis nodded. “Yeah o’course.”  

“Okay good,” Danielle smiled. “Well, bye now.”  

She dashed through the door and the two boys continued on upstairs to Harry’s flat. The door was ajar, as most the doors in Lego House were, and the loud boom of music could be heard from the staircase.  

“The fuck is he doing?” Harry muttered as they approached the flat. “ZAYN!” he called over the music.  

The two entered the flat and Louis trailed behind Harry as he went straight for Zayn’s bedroom door, where the music was coming from. “ZAYN!” he called again, pounding on the door. 

 There was the muffled sound of voices, and something being knocked over on the other end, and then came Zayn’s voice calling “ _What_?”  

“Get out!” Harry called back. “Me and Lou want to––”  

“Okay, okay, give me a second!”  

The volume of the music lowered significantly, and Harry wrapped his hand around Louis’s wrist. “We’re gonna go wait in my room. You and your friend have five minutes to get out,” Harry called one last time, before tugging Louis into the next room, letting the door fall shut behind them.  

“Who do you think he’s with?” Louis giggled, against Harry’s lips.  

Harry smirked. “Who knows. Its always someone different.”  

“Does he still––?”  

“Charge? Nah. He makes good money in porn. I honestly don’t know why he sticks around here at Lego. He could afford a much nicer flat.”  

“Have you ever thought about moving?” Louis asked, pulling away from Harry’s neck.  

Harry pushed back on his bed, making room for the two of them to sit. “I don’t know,” he sighed. “We talked about it once, but then we just dropped it. Lego House is just, it’s all we know. And all our friends live here. Plus, if we moved I wouldn’t really be much of a good roommate since Zayn would have to pay more than half of the rent,” Harry frowned, head turning down as he began to subconsciously pick at his frayed quilt. “He already does anyway. I’m kind of a deadweight.”  

“Haz,” Louis said softly, inching closer and fingering through Harry’s curls. “You’re not a deadweight, and Zayn loves you.”  

Harry sighed. “I know. I’m sorry.”  

“Don’t be sorry,” Louis said, pulling Harry into his arms. “Now who’s the one who apologizes over everything, hmm?”  

Harry laughed and playfully shoved out of Louis’s arms. “Oh god, you’re rubbing off on me.”  

“Well I’d like to rub off on you in a different way,” Louis smirked, “If you know what I mean.”  

“Get over here, Tomlinson,” Harry growled, tugging Louis by the shirt until the two crashed down on to the mattress.  

***

_Out to get milk. –H_  

“Hm,” Louis grunted, reading the little post-it note he had found stuck to his forehead just moments ago.  

He crumbled it up and got to his feet, slowly making his way out of the bedroom, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he went.  

“Hey there LouLou!” exclaimed a naked (what’s new) Zayn, startling Louis.  

Zayn chuckled and brushed past Louis, heading down the hall towards the kitchen. “Hazzyboo went to get milk or something,” Zayn said, still facing away from Louis.  

Louis groaned, voice still rough from disuse. “Yeah, he left a note,” he mumbled.  

“Aw, isn’t that cute,” Zayn cooed, cracking eggs into a bowl. “You two are like a married couple or something.” 

Louis rolled his eyes and sat himself down at the breakfast bar. “Yeah okay.”  

Zayn sighed, exasperatedly, and turned to Louis, pointing at him with an egg soaked whisk. “You’re the closest thing Harry’s ever had to a boyfriend. The kid doesn’t do this shit, he has sex, gets his money, and leaves. He doesn’t do,” Zayn waved his whisk around, “ _this_.”  

Louis blinked at Zayn through still very sleepy eyes, his expression blank. “Well  _this_  isn’t anything more than casual sex and hanging out.”  

Zayn shot Louis an amused look, “Alright, keep telling yourself that.”  

“I’m back!” cried a singsong voice at the door. Both boys turned their heads to find Harry, smiling bigger than ever, with a shopping bag in each hand. “Lets eat!”  

Louis left Lego House a little while later, going off to work. At the end of his shift Danielle popped in to meet up with Louis.  

“Hey, what’re you doing here?” Louis asked, pleasantly surprised to see Danielle. “I thought we were gonna meet up at my flat.”  

“Yeah but El and I were in the neighborhood and she wanted Starbucks,” Danielle said  rolling her eyes and pointing to her friend, and roommate, Eleanor, “So I thought what the hell!”  

Louis grinned, “Awesome. So, what can I get you ladies?”  

Danielle laughed, “Look at you, being all professional. I’ll just have a green tea.”  

Louis nodded and turned to Eleanor who was still staring up at the menu. “Hmm,” she said, deep in thought. “Well, I don’t know if I should go for my usual, or try something different.” 

“ _Okay_ ,” Louis said slowly.  

Danielle watched her friend with an amused look. And then, all very quickly in one breath Eleanor recited,  

“Double ristretto venti nonfat organic chocolate brownie frappuccino, extra hot, with foam and whipped cream upside down.”  

Louis blinked. “Um, could you maybe say that again so I can write it down.”  

Eleanor looked away from where she’d been staring off in a daze and shot Louis a confused look. “What?” she asked simply.  

Danielle was covering her mouth to muffle her laughs.  

“Uh, I just, I didn’t catch that?” Louis stuttered. Eleanor looked kind of intimidating if he was being honest. She was always a bit dazed and aloof and it kind of made Louis nervous.  

“Oh,” she flipped her hair over her shoulder and repeated her order slowly.  

“Alright, I’ll get right on this,” Louis smiled tightly, turning away from the girls.  

“Jeez, what’s with the loony one?” Nikki muttered to Louis as he set about making the drinks.  

“She’s a bit, odd,” Louis whispered.  

“Tell me about it. She your friend?”  

“Nah, not really,” Louis shrugged. “Friend of a friend. She’s alright, though. A bit intimidating.”  

Nikki widened her eyes and nodded, “Uh huh.”  

Once Louis was finished with Eleanor’s ridiculous order he re-approached the girls and handed them their drinks.  

Eleanor took a sip and then nodded. “It’s good.”  

Danielle was still stiffing laughs as she spoke. “El, I’m gonna go to Lou’s now, catch you later?”  

“I s’pose,” she nodded, sipping her drink before gingerly walking out of the shop.  

“Oh God,” Danielle laughed once Eleanor was gone. “I’m  _so_  sorry, Lou.”  

“Its fine,” he assured, pulling off his apron. 

“She’s not like this all the time, I swear. I mean she’s still totally mental but––She’s a bit of a coffee diva.”  

“I hadn’t noticed,” Louis smirked.  

Danielle rolled her eyes. “ _So_  sorry,” she repeated.  

Louis waved his hand carelessly. “It’s fine. Lets go!”  

They walked over to Louis’s place and began their usual meditation routine that they’d been keeping up for the past two weeks. The two were just settling into the routine when there was a knock on the door.  

“Who is it?” Louis called, not wanting to get up.  

“Liam.”  

Louis groaned. “I don’t wanna get up!” he called back.  

“Oh open the damn door, Louis!”  

Danielle rolled her eyes. “I’ll get it,” she muttered, getting to her feet and opening the door.  

“Hey Lou––Oh, hello.”  

Danielle smiled, “Hey, Liam. Louis’s lying on the ground somewhere over there,” she chuckled, pointing to the living room.  

“Er, thanks,” Liam said, his ears glowing pink as he walked past Danielle.  

“What’s up, Payne,” Louis asked, perching himself up on his elbows.  

“Nothing much, I was just wondering if Niall was here, which he obviously isn’t,” Liam said, looking around the room.  

“Why would Nialler be here?” Louis asked.  

Liam shrugged. “I dunno. I have no idea where he is. I popped by Nandos and he wasn’t working. And then I went to his place thinking maybe he wasn’t feeling good and he wasn’t there. And he won’t answer his phone, even though he’s practically glued to that thing these days.”  

“Well I haven’t seen him,” Louis said simply, finally getting to his feet. In fact, now that he thought about it, he hadn’t seen Niall in the the past few days. “Did he say he was going somewhere or anything? Maybe going home for a bit?”  

Liam shook his head. “Not that I know of.”  

“Niall? Why does that name sound familiar?” Danielle muttered.  

“Uh, maybe cos he’s one of my best mates and I’m constantly talking about him?” Louis suggested.  

Danielle swatted her hand through the air. “No, no. I feel like, I don’t know, I feel like I heard it somewhere else recently.”  

Louis shrugged, “I don’t know. Whatever, Niall’ll turn up eventually.”  

Liam sighed and flopped down on the sofa. “So, what’re you guys up to?”  

“Meditating,” both Louis and Danielle exclaimed.  

“Right, you meditate,” Liam said, speaking only to Danielle.  

“And dance,” Danielle added.  

“You’re a dancer?” Liam asked, perking up.  

“I am,” Danielle nodded, sitting down beside Liam.  

Louis shuffled uncomfortably, “ _Well_  I’m just gonna go…shower or something,” he mumbled, quickly walking down the hall as Danielle laughed at something Liam said. This was good, Louis said to himself as he sat in the shower trying to kill time. Liam  _so_  liked Danielle, and it had been far too long since he had gone out with anyone. And Dani was so sweet and she deserved a nice guy. Liam was a nice guy. This was good.  

Louis bid his time, estimating he’d given them a good fifteen minutes alone, and that Liam should’ve asked her out by now. He hopped out of the shower and dried off, and sure enough he found the two exchanging numbers when he strolled into the living room. Liam left shortly after, muttering something about getting coffee and calling. Louis shut the door behind his friend and then turned to Danielle, raising a brow.  

“What?” she asked fighting off a smile.  

“Going out on a date with my best mate?”  

Danielle rolled her eyes. “You’re going out with one of mine!”  

“We’re not go––”  

“Oh shut it,” Danielle said whacking Louis with a pillow.  

“So when’s the big date?” Louis asked waggling his eye brows.  

“We’re just going out for coffee, jeez.”  

“Come to Starbucks so I can spy on you!” Louis said flopping down on the sofa beside Danielle.  

“Yeah…no.”  

***

“Chocolate chip pancakes are my favorite,” Harry declared, reclining back on his sofa as Louis hovered over the stove trying to make dinner.  

“Get me chocolate chips then,” said Louis, jumping back from the frying pan as it made an unnatural hissing sound.  

“We don’t have any,” Harry sighed, ignoring Louis’s dramatics.  

“Harry! Come help me with your demon stove!”  

Harry pushed off the sofa and strolled over to Louis, adjusting the temperature and moving the pan. “There, now I’ll be back.”  

Louis paled, tugging at Harry’s wrist. “No, no, no, you’re not leaving me with the stove on.”  

“Relax, I’m going up to Dani’s to fetch some chocolate chips.”  

Louis squirmed slightly, but then nodded, and let go. “Hurry back?”  

Harry rolled his eyes. “Such a child.”  

Harry  _did_  hurry back, quickly dashing up to Danielle’s and back in less than five minutes. Louis got so flustered, it was adorable, even though Harry didn’t like to admit it.  For the past few days they’d been playing a game where Louis would cook whatever Harry wanted for dinner. Harry would always pick something very un-dinner-like and sometimes silly, and then Louis would have to make it for him. It was always fun, and also educational, since Louis was in desperate need of help when it came to cooking. Louis protested and said he could cook just fine, but Harry knew better.  

When he returned with the chocolate chips Louis was slumped over the breakfast bar, face in hands, and there was a burnt smell in the air.  

“Louis?”  

“I burnt the pancakes,” he moaned, voice muffled by his hands.  

Harry let out a chuckle and came over to Louis, ruffling through his hair. “It’s alright,” he said with a little laugh.  

“I ruined it!” he wailed.  

Harry nuzzled his nose into Louis’s hair. “We’ll just eat chocolate chips then.”  

“For dinner?” Louis asked, still buried under his hands.  

“Mmhmm,” Harry said softly. “Come on,” he pried Louis’s hands away from his face. “No more cooking for you.”  

Louis flashed a half smile and allowed Harry to tug him over to the sofa where they sat, tossing chocolate chips at each other, trying to catch them with their mouths. Louis turned on his iPod, which they now kept at Harry’s (because he was always at Harry’s), and the room came to life.  

Soon the two boys were jumping on the sofa and dancing, twirling each other around until they were both dizzy.  

“ _Take me down like I’m a dominooh. Wait a second til it’s twilight, somethin’––best I’ve ever known! Dirty dancin’ in the moon right––_ ”  

“Harry!” Louis called over the music, bursting out into giggles when Harry continued to sing random lyrics, ignoring Louis.  

_“Lalalalalikea dominoooh!”_ Harry belted, dancing all over the place.  

“You’re mental, you know that,” Louis said, right in Harry’s ear, as he wrapped his arms around Harry from behind, swaying his hips to the music while simultaneously grinding against him.  

Harry responded by dancing even more erratically, arms lifting over his head, as he swayed against Louis’s hips.  

The illusion was shattered quite suddenly though, when Harry’s mobile began ringing loudly, buzzing across the coffee table. Harry snapped out of his dancing frenzy, smile quickly falling off his face as he snatched up the phone. Louis watched, forehead crinkling as he literally saw Harry transform from all smiles to a quite serious, (and …was he scared?) expression, completely retreating within himself as he answered the phone, turning away from Louis and trailing down the hall.  

“ _Hello_?”   

Louis strained to hear Harry over the music that was still blaring. He poked his head out into the hallway to see Harry facing away and muttering rapidly under his breath.  

“ _I’m sorry. I––I know….No! I wasn’t, I swear. I’ve just been busy….It slipped my mind okay?_ ”  

Louis slowly lowered the volume, trying to hear more of what Harry was saying.  

_“Stev––No! I won’t. I swear….Yeah I’ll go….Yeah….Okay. Okay, bye.”_   

Harry hung up and Louis quickly turned away, staring at the opposite wall. A few moments later Harry returned. “What was all that about?” Louis asked, trying to sound as casual as possible.  

Harry turned away and began digging through a pile of clothes for a clean shirt. “Nothing. I just forgot I had an appointment tonight.”  

“Oh.”  

“I’m sorry, Lou,” Harry sighed, changing out of his top. “I have to go.”  

Louis bit his lip. “Who are you going to see?” he asked hesitantly.  

Harry turned to him, his eyes big and sad. “You really don’t want to know.”  

“But––”  

“Lou, please,” Harry snapped, jamming his phone and keys in his pocket. “Just leave it, yeah?”  

Louis swallowed, and let out a short breath. “Okay,” he said quietly.  

“I have to go,” Harry repeated, this time softer, “You can stay here if you want,” he added, before disappearing out the door.  

Louis sighed and fiddled with his iPod for a few minutes, debating whether or not he should stay or go. Having decided on neither yet, Louis got up off the sofa and strolled out of the flat and into the hallway.  

“Hello, Louis,” greeted Cher from down the hall.  

Louis waved, “Hello.”  

“Where’s Harry gotten to? Just saw him leavin’,” she said, walking up to meet Louis.  

“Work,” Louis replied tightly.  

“ _Oh_ , I see,” Cher said in between chomps of her bubble gum.  

Louis stood for a moment, thinking about Harry and everything, his strange behavior and the incident from a few weeks ago. Someone at Lego House had to know  _something_  about the people Harry saw. “Yeah, um, actually, I was wondering, do you know anything about this Steven bloke? I think he’s the one Harry went to go see tonight.”  

Cher’s eyes visibly widened and her jaw hug frozen in mid chomp. “ _Steven_?” she asked after a moment.  

Louis nodded, trying to prompt her to go on. 

“Never heard of him,” she said waving her hand through the air and turning on her heels.  

“Wait, come back!” Louis said catching Cher’s arm and spinning her back around.  

“Watch it!” Cher stomped.  

“Come on, tell me about this guy.”

Cher shrugged, “I can’t,” she said simply.  

Louis was beginning to get frustrated. “Why the hell not,” he cried.  

“Because.”  

“Because  _why_?”  

“Cos.”  

Louis through his arms up into the air and let our a frustrated little noise. “Is he the one who’s beating the shit out of Harry or not!”  

“ _What_?” Cher said, mouth hanging open (and gum falling out).  

“What do you mean what?” Louis asked, now throughly confused.  

“I thought you were askin’ cos of what he did to Dani. He’s been hitin’ Harry now?” 

Louis whipped his head around, blinking. “What did this guy do to  _Dani_?”  

“Hit her, month, two months ago…? I don’t remember. ‘Round the time you started showin’ up actually. He’s a right cunt. But I didn’t know he was hitin’ Harry too.” 

“Well I don’t know that he is. But, well you remember that night a few weeks ago, yeah?”  

“Awh but that wasn’t Steven. Harry told us, he said he was jumped in an alley….” Cher trailed off and then clapped her hand over her mouth. “Oh lord. He lied, he lied. Oh I’m so stupid.”  

Louis placed his hands on her shoulders to steady her. “It’s alright, calm down.”  

“No, but poor Harry. Ugh. See Steven’s real possessive, and something happened, I think Harry didn’t show for one of their appointments, and then he just went crazy and went to see Dani and El dance and then he started hitting on her…like flirting kind…and then he actually hit her and oh it was awful and Dani was a mess and Zayn and Harry had gone out that night, out for drinks but only Zayn came home and then we had to call Harry, it was awful, awful night,” Cher sobbed, speaking rapidly.  

Louis didn’t know what to do, he pulled her into an awkward hug and rubbed her back. “It’s okay,” he said. “When––when did you say this happened?”  

“Oh I don’t know,” Cher wailed. “First week of March I’d say….”  

And instantly it clicked. First week of March, that was the week he and Harry had slept together for the first time. And Zayn and Harry had gone out for drinks at Paradise…Harry had left Louis’s place after a phone call about something ‘urgent’…but Louis had found Danielle crying on the staircase covered in bruises just a few weeks ago…. 

“Hey, Cher?” Louis said, trying to stay calm. “This Steven guy, he hasn’t hurt Dani since, right?”  

“Not that I know of,” Cher sniffed, drying her eyes with the back of her hand. 

“Okay,” Louis said, suddenly feeling a headache coming on. “Um, I have to go now.”  

He quickly let go of Cher and sped off down the hall towards the staircase.  

“Bye then,” Cher called, and Louis raised his hand in a wave, as he continued walking away.  

His head was spinning, he didn’t know whether he should find Harry or Dani first. He didn’t know what to think, or say, or do. Steven was sleeping with Harry. Steven was possessive, and probably had anger issues. No scratch that, he  _did_  have anger issues. Harry had mentioned it the first night they’d met. Steven was Harry’s best customer. The night Louis and Harry slept together, after Paradise, Harry had blown off an appointment with Steven. Steven had then hurt Danielle and Harry had to leave. Louis didn’t hear from Harry after that. Someone was clearly hurting Harry. Harry had come home bloody and beaten a few weeks ago, coinciding with Danielle being covered in bruises. Around that time Louis and Harry had been spending a lot of time together. Which at the time Louis hadn’t questioned, but now that he thought about it, Harry was probably blowing off a lot of appointments in order for them to spend so much time together. And those were the facts. And they were spinning around Louis’s head, spinning and spinning.  

Harry had blown off Steven tonight.  

And if there was a pattern then––

“Louis!” 

Louis snapped his head up and found that he was halfway out the front door. Danielle stood in the middle of the foyer by the sofa, arms wrapped around her self. “Louis you’re pale as a sheet, what’s wrong,” she said, instantly coming over to his side.  

“Harry––and beating up, the night he––and that guy Steven––and  _you_ , and he left now and he’s gonna––hurt,” Louis mumbled, breathing hard.  

“Louis calm down, breath, breath. Here, lets sit,” Danielle said, guiding him over to the sofa.  

Louis took in deep breaths, the way he did when he and Dani meditated, and calmed himself.  

“Now tell me what’s going on?” Danielle tried again.  

“I know about the whole Steven thing, Cher told me,” Louis spit out.  

Danielle’s hand tightened around Louis’s shoulder.  “Harry didn’t want you to worry,” she began.  

“But I am!” Louis cried, standing up. “It’s what I do. I worry. And, now he’s gone to see him. And he’s going to get hurt.”  

“Louis,” Danielle said, reaching for his hand. “Listen to me. Harry’s smart. He knows what he’s doing. Steven’s a prick. But Harry would never continue to see him if they were seriously hurting him––”  

“But the other night when he came home all beat up––”  

“That wasn’t Steven––”  

“He lied! Cher said he lied.”  

Danielle cast her eyes downward. “I  _know_  it wasn’t Steven.”  

“How?” Louis asked.  

“Because he’d been with me that day. Remember? The bruises? He had been with me, and then he took a train to Somerset to visit family. He wasn’t around that night.”  

“But––then who?”  

“Look, I don’t know, Louis. I don’t know who beat up Harry, but I  _know_  it wasn’t Steven. He’s an asshole, and he hurts people, but in a twisted way he kind of cares about Harry.  In a  _very_ twisted way.”  

Louis settled back down on the sofa, breathing slowly returning back to normal. “It’s just that I care about him. And I don’t want him to get hurt,” Louis said, bottom lip trembling.   

Danielle smiled tightly. “I know. He’ll be okay.”  

Louis wanted to say _‘But you don’t know that for sure.’_   But he desperately wanted to believe Danielle, and so he did.  

***

“Louis Tomlinson, wake up!”  

Louis peeked an eye open at the sound of that familiar voice. Harry was sitting on top of him. And Louis realized, once he opened his other eye too, that he had fallen asleep on the sofa down in the entrance room.  

“Dani didn’t have the heart to wake you up last night,” Harry grinned, “but, I’m not Dani! Wake up! I want breakfast.” 

Louis was still shocked to see Harry, smiling and unharmed. He snaked his arms up around Harry’s waist and pulled him closer. “I missed you.”  

Harry sighed. “Dani also told me about your freak out. Read my lips, Tomlinson: I’m fine.” Harry broke out into another big grin, and then clasped Louis’s hand and began to tug. “Come on! I’m hungry and I want to eat but I can’t eat without you because that would be rude.”  

Louis rolled his eyes. “Fine, but I’m  _not_  cooking.”  

Harry snorted. “Yeah good, because I want some real pancakes this time. I think we should crash the Peazer-Calder breakfast––”  

Louis’s eyes widened. “Nuh uh,” he said shaking his head.  

“What? No but they make the  _best_  pancakes––”  

“I’m not going up there when––coffee!”  

Harry’s brows wrinkled in confusion, and then his eyes lit up and he let out a barking laugh. “Oh no. You had the pleasure to encounter the coffee diva at her finest?” 

“I’m a bit scared of her to be honest.”  

Harry continued to laugh, eyes squeezing shut. “It’s okay, we all are. Just ignore her. I want pancakes!”  

“Get the boy his sodding pancakes!” yelled a voice from the staircase.  

The two boys exchanged looks, before turning back to the staircase to see Josh and Sandy coming down, arms tangling around each other. “Hello, boys,” Sandy greeted.  

“Hey,” Louis and Harry said together, watching with dumbfound expressions as Josh’s hand disappeared up Sandy’s shirt.  

“You two are back together?” Harry asked, raising a brow.  

Josh and Sandy exchanged looks, before both shrugging. “I guess,” said Sandy.  

“Well are you fucking or not?” said Harry cutting straight to the chase.  

“Yeah we’re together,” Josh nodded.  

Harry rolled his eyes. “I’m so out of the loop these days.” He tugged on Louis’s hand again, passing Josh and Sandy on the staircase.  

“So fucking means your together, eh, Harry?” Sandy called up the staircase.  

“Oh fuck off,” Harry shouted back, though his ears were turning pink.  

“Language!” called another voice, as Louis and Harry passed the second floor landing.  

“Sorry, Rebecca,” Harry said quickly, tugging Louis along.  

“Yeah, yeah. You’re babysitting Lily and Karl later, yeah?”  

“Yeah!” Harry called back, already nearing the third floor.  

The boys continued on up to the fourth and then dashed down to Danielle’s flat, where the door already stood ajar, and voices could be heard chattering inside.  

“Yeah he called this morning, real sweet––”  

“Awh, Dani that’s beau’iful!”  

“Hello, friends!” Harry declared, stepping into the flat. Cher was sat on the kitchen counter munching on some bacon and chatting with Danielle who was stood over the stove flipping pancakes. Eleanor was seated on the sofa flipping through a magazine and casually listening to the conversation as she sipped her coffee.  

“Hey, Harry,” Danielle chirped. “Louis.”  

“Oh Harry, you’re home!” Cher exclaimed, jumping off the counter and pulling him into her arms. “I was up half the night worrying after talking to Louis!”  

“Oh,” Harry said, awkwardly patting Cher on the back. “Well, I’m okay. You didn’t have to worry.”  

“I worry about  _everyone_ ,” Cher went on. (Louis could’ve sworn he caught Eleanor rolling her eyes). “You’re all like my family.”  

Harry grinned and pecked her on the cheek. “Thanks, Cher.”  

Cher smiled brightly and then took one of Louis’s and one of Harry’s hands and pulled them towards the kitchen. “Sit, sit, Dani’s made breakfast!”  

“Yeah, sorry, Harry, I was all out of chocolate chips,” Danielle said distractedly as she flipped another pancake. “I could’ve sworn I had a whole bag though….”  

Louis shot Harry a look and Harry blushed, ducking his head.  

_You stole them?_  Louis mouthed.  

Harry shrugged innocently before turning to face Danielle as she set the plate of pancakes down on the table.  

“Eat up!” 

***

Louis lay flat on his stomach digging around under his bed in search of his left shoe. There was so much shit under his bed, he honestly didn’t know when he’d let his room become such a mess.  

Niall was still awol, and Liam was still in class and it was Saturday, and Louis was off from work. Which meant spending the day with Harry. Now if only he could find his left shoe!  

Louis’s hand caught on something soft and fuzzy, not his left shoe, but a sweater? A very unfamiliar, white sweater. Louis had lots of sweaters, but this one was not his. He smiled as his brain caught up, remembering the article of clothing.  _Harry_.  

It was from a few weeks ago, back when the weather had still been nippy. That sweater had come off within seconds of stepping into the bedroom, tossed to the floor and forgotten.  

Louis grinned as he pulled the sweater on, slipping his left foot into a completely different shoe and rushing out the door.  

“That’s my sweater,” Harry said when he opened the door to his flat.  

“I was bringing it over,” Louis stated, slipping under Harry’s arm, which was rested against the doorframe.  

“By wearing it?” Harry asked, turning to follow Louis to the sofa. 

“I was warming it up for you,” Louis grinned.  

Harry bumped Louis’s hip, “Cheeky,” he mumbled, toying with the hem of the sweater. “But it’s _far_  too warm for a sweater,” he whispered, lips tickling against Louis’s ear, hands inching down his jeans.  

“Oi!”  

Harry and Louis both jumped apart. 

“Zayn! I thought you left,” Harry said in a rush.  

Zayn shot them a look that said ‘clearly not’ before stalking into the kitchen. “I’m having someone over, yeah?”  

“You’ve been having ‘someone over’ a lot lately,” Harry pointed out.  

Zayn strolled back into the living room, now holding a sandwich. “You have Louis over all the time,” Zayn said through a mouthful.  

“We don’t kick you––okay that was like  _one_  tim––okay but still!” Harry said, folding his arms. “Who is this chick anyway? Why haven’t I met her yet, hm?”  

“None of your business, mum,” Zayn mocked.  

“Fine, whatever, come on, Lou.”  

Louis followed Harry out into the hallway where they almost knocked into Cher.  

“Louis! Harry!”  

“Cher!”  

“Come, come!” she said, beckoning them to follow.  

“Where are we––”  

“Dani’s! She’s going on a  _date_! Isn’t that wild! She looks so lovely.”  

Louis and Harry exchanged looks. “Today’s the big date?” Louis asked, not able to fight off the smile that spread across his lips.   

Cher nodded, leading them up to the fourth floor. “Liam’s his name. Dani is  _so_  excited. He’s taking her to  _dinner_  and she’s wearing a  _dress_. She’s like a princess, I swear.”  

“WHERE ARE MY SHOES!”  

The three froze at the end of the corridor, the sounds of utter chaos traveling down through the open door of the Peazer-Calder residence.  

“A bit crazy princess,” Cher corrected.  

The boys followed hesitantly behind, slowly creeping into the flat.  

Danielle stood in the middle of the room, arms up in the air. Eleanor and Mary were busy crawling around on the floor in search of something, and Rebecca was bouncing Lily on her hip while trying to fasten Danielle’s hair in some sort of hair style.  

“I brought friends!” Cher declared, skipping into the room. 

 

Everyone paused and turned toward the door way where Louis and Harry stood. “Hello,” Louis waved after a few moments of silence. 

“You two, go help El and Mary look for my shoes!”  

Both the boys shared wide-eyed looks before scrambling about and joining the search for the missing shoes. They’d never seen Danielle like this, so crazed. She was usually quite calm, never one to make a fuss over anything like shoes or clothes.  

“AH HA! Found ‘em!” Eleanor declared triumphantly, dangling the heels above her head. At that very moment Danielle’s phone blared to life and she hushed everyone with a very loud, “Shut up! It’s him!”  

“Hello,” she answered, her voice instantly transforming from manic psycho to soft and sweet. “Oh it’s the big apartment building on the corner. It’s all multicolored, has a sign on the door that says Lego House…Yeah, that’s the one. Great! Okay, be down in a minute…Bye.”  

She hung up and calmly set the phone down before rounding on the gang. “He’s here! He’s here and I’m  _not ready_ ––”  

“Breath, breath,” Louis said reaching for her shoulder.  

“Don’t you dare, Louis Tomlinson! Don’t you dare tell me to breath! I’m not ready! I look awful! You two,” she said pointing to the boys, “go downstairs and distract him!”  

“You look fi––”  

“GO!”  

They didn’t need much more convincing after that, practically dashing down the stairs to the entrance hall. They got there just in time, both boys leaning against the door frame to greet Liam.  

“Shit!” he said with a start when he looked up to find the two staring back at him instead of the previously closed door.  

“Welcome, welcome,” Harry grinned, wrapping and arm around Liam and ushering him inside.  

“Louis?” Liam questioned over his shoulder.  

“Liam?” Louis mocked, causing the other boy to roll his eyes. 

“Um, what are you guys doing here?”  

“Um, this is where Harry lives? Duh.”  

Harry brought Liam towards the sofa, and the three of them sat down.  

“Okay, well I’m here to––”  

“Pick up Danielle,” Harry said, folding his hands and fixing Liam with a stern look.  

“Uh, yeah,” Liam said nervously tapping his foot. 

 Louis grinned at Harry, catching on to what he was doing. “Well,” Harry continued. “Danielle is like a sister, in fact, she’s kind of the angel of Lego House. We’re all  _very_  close. There’s a lot of us guys here. And if you lay one hand on our Dani––” Harry said, getting to his feet and violently poking his finger at Liam. “We’ll chop your dick off,” he said in his most sweet and innocent voice.  

Louis had his hand pressed to his mouth, muffling his silent laughter.  

Liam sat rigid on the sofa, not sure whether Harry was taking the piss or not.  

Harry clapped Liam on the back, “Good talk, good talk. Oh, and I think that’s our girl now,” Harry said brightly, turning to the sound of footsteps on the staircase.  

Louis and Liam turned as well; their jaws dropped at the sight they were met with.  

“ _Niall_?” Liam squeaked after several moments.  

On the staircase stood Niall and Zayn, side by side, lips grazing against each other. They jumped apart and spun around at Liam’s cry and then the five boys stood there, eyes flicking back and forth to one another.  

“Jesus christ, you’re fucking a  _guy_?” Harry said after some time, throwing his hands up in the air. “What’s with everyone going gay? First Josh and Sandy. Now  _you_! Remember when _I_  was the only gay one! Remember  _that_?”  

Harry fell back into silence as if nothing had happened. And then everyone’s lips began to twitch, before they all erupted into fits of laughter.  

“So this is where you’ve been the past week?” Louis finally said once the laughter had subsided.  

Niall nodded, ears glowing pink. 

“Um, hi.”  

Everyone turned once again to the new voice. Danielle stood on the staircase now, looking absolutely stunning.  

Liam got to his feet and met her at the foot of the stairs. “Hi,” he said quietly, taking her hand.  

“I think I’m going to throw up,” Niall teased.  

“Hush!” Louis hissed, slapping Niall’s arm.  

“Oh, young love,” Zayn cooed, draping an arm over Niall’s shoulder.  

“What did I say about touching her, Payne,” Harry called.  

“Oh shut it, Harry,” Danielle scolded, before looping her arm with Liam’s. The two wave goodbye to their friends before strolling out the door.  

“Well, look at that, everyone’s paired off,” Zayn sighed.  

“So you guys are together?” Louis asked the pair.  

Niall and Zayn both shrugged. “S’pose,” Niall said.   

“But the real question is, are  _you_  guys together?” Zayn said with a pointed look.  

Louis rolled his eyes and was about to protest when Harry cut in, 

“I s’pose we are.”

 


	8. Fall//Firefly

Why had he said it? It had been foolish of him. But God it had just felt so right in the moment. It was all Zayn’s fault, yup that was it, Harry decided stubbornly. Zayn was the one who had gone all mushy over all the couple stuff, and when he’d popped the question Harry had sprung without thinking. He should have thought first. Because now he couldn’t take it back, he’d done it, him, Harry, he had gone and solidified him and Louis’s relationship. He had done the very thing he had sworn to himself he would never do.  

Louis, Louis who was so much more likely to have wanted to label things, didn’t even think to answer the question. He never nagged for them to label things. They had been content with no labels, going on oblivious, despite the fact that it was  _quite_  obvious to anyone looking in that Harry and Louis  _were_  together in every sense of the word. But, it was just easier to pretend they weren’t. Because Harry couldn’t handle it. He didn’t  _do_  relationships. Not these kind of relationships. He couldn’t be a  _boyfriend_. He couldn’t buy chocolates or whatever other nicknacks. He couldn’t sweep Louis off his feet the way Liam did with Dani. He couldn’t coo in Louis’s ear and profess his undying love the way Zayn did with Niall (even if the two of them swore they were just messing around, Harry knew better. Zayn was smitten).  

Harry wasn’t like that. Even if he wanted to be. Even if he wished he could be. And at the end of the day, Louis deserved better. He always deserved better. Harry couldn’t give him everything he wanted. Even if he swore he was happy, Harry knew there would come a time when Louis would want more, and he knew that he wouldn’t be able to give him the attention he deserved. He knew he could never–– 

“Hazzers!” Louis called, crashing down onto the bed, and simultaneously wrapping his arms around Harry. “The Ziall duo wants to go out to dinner. You wanna go?” Louis chirped, oblivious to Harry’s inner turmoil.  

Five days. It had been five days since he’d answered Zayn’s question. Five days since he had officially declared that he and Louis were a couple. Five days that had felt like years. Five days in which Louis had burst around Lego House, now not even bothering with returning to his own flat. Harry didn’t  _mind_. Of course he didn’t mind. He liked Louis around. He wanted Louis around. And all at the same time he didn’t. Because for the past five days, every waking moment of those five days, Harry had spent pondering the one moment when he’d answered Zayn’s question.  

“Sure, I’m famished,” Harry replied, swinging his legs off the bed and wrapping his left hand in Louis’s right.  

The fact that it had only been five days was astounding really. The amount of time they’d spent with Zayn and Niall was astounding. The amount of times Liam had been over to see Dani was astounding. Every fucking thing was astounding, yes, astounding, word of the week, there you go.  

Zayn and Niall were kind of inseparable at this point. Zayn hadn’t even been filming much lately either. In fact, he was  _always_   _home_. People were starting to worry.  

Josh’s reaction to seeing Zayn walking down the hallway of their floor was probably the best example Harry could think of regarding the reactions people were having to seeing Zayn around. It was just the other day, and Harry was leaving his flat, when Zayn strolled by and disappearing into the flat himself.  

“Was that Zayn Malik I just saw?” Josh said in a dazed voice, eyes wide, almost spooked.  

Harry nodded, lips twisting into a smile.  

“Zayn  _fucking_  Malik?” Josh asked again, voice rising in volume.  

Harry nodded once more, this time a little slower.  

“Intruder alert, intruder alert! What the fuck is Zayn doing here? He doesn’t even live here!” Josh wailed, flailing his arms over his head before running down the corridor, screaming his head off.  

So yes, in short, Zayn was home a lot now, and it was quite a shock to, well, everyone. 

On day two of their five day year, Zayn and Niall had come up with the name Ziall. They were sat on the sofa watching porn (because apparently that was how they bonded) and they were chatting about nothing really. Harry was in the kitchen trying to ignore them and go about his daily life, when the two boys called him into the living room and announced that they would now be referred to as Ziall at all times whenever they were spoken about in conjunction. Harry had blinked, nodded, and then walked away with his cereal bowl, retreating back to his cave of a room and of course spending the rest of his alone time to ponder  _why on earth he’d declared himself and Louis a couple!_  

“Ready to go, kids?” Zayn asked, standing by the door all wrapped around Niall’s slight frame.  

Harry snorted, “Where are we going to eat?” he asked slipping on his shoes.  

“Probably Nandos,” Zayn pondered, looking down at Niall, who nodded.  

“I get a discount,” Niall added with a shrug.  

Harry shrugged too, discounts were good, that was a good enough reason to go. Louis looped his arm around Harry’s waist, and they set off.  

Zayn had a car now, (a lot happens in five days) and so they all clamored into the vehicle, since Nandos was too far to comfortably walk, especially at nearly 10:30 in the evening.  

“You’ve been awfully quiet Hazzyboo,” Zayn noted, staring at Harry through the rearview mirror as they drove.  

Harry grunted, “Hm?”  

“Quiet, you’ve been. Where’s the chipper nut from last week?” Zayn asked, though his tone was casual.  

Harry sighed. “It’s nearly midnight and I was on my way to sleep before this little dinner date. Also, I was working late last night and got no sleep. I’m a  _bit_  tired, Zayners.”  

“Touchy, touchy,” Zayn teased, pretending to be offended.  

Harry rolled his eyes and turned away to look out the window. Louis squeezed his thigh in an attempt to comfort him. Harry turned to Louis and flashed him a tight smile. It wasn’t  _his_  fault that Harry was so fucked up. Harry couldn’t spite Louis. He curved his body towards him, resting his head in the crook of his neck.  

“You okay, Haz?” Louis whispered so only Harry could hear.  

Harry nodded his head against Louis’s shoulder. “Yeah, just tired.” Harry didn’t feel too guilty about fudging the truth when a yawn erupted from his lips, adding to the claims that he was in fact tired.  

They were just arriving at Nandos when Harry fell asleep.  

“Is he seriously sleeping?” Zayn asked, glancing over to the back seat with an incredulous look. “What a party pooper.”  

“Hey listen,” Louis said softly, not wanting to wake Harry. “My place is literally around the corner. Why don’t you drop us off, that way we don’t rain on your dinner date?” Louis offered.  

Zayn and Niall exchanged looks before shrugging simultaneously. “Works for me,” Zayn said, re-igniting the engine. 

Niall nodded in agreement, and the car turned around, heading towards Louis’s big apartment building. The city lights swirled around them as they sped down the street, coming to a halt at the apartment gates. Louis gently roused Harry, who remained half asleep and disoriented as they exited the car and entered the building. Louis kept an arm fastened tightly around Harry’s middle, guiding him into the elevator as his eyes drooped shut and he murmured incoherent thoughts into Louis’s shoulder.  

They arrived on Louis’s floor some moments later, sluggishly trudging down the corridor to Louis’s flat. He took a moment, fishing for his keys, before swinging the door open and stepping inside.  

Inside it was dark, everything cast in shadows. It had been a few days since Louis was last in his apartment, having spent his nights at Lego House recently. The apartment felt a little foreign, which was strange, considering the past few months he’d spent most of his days cooped up inside it, rarely going out for anything other than work.  

But now it felt strangely alien as he walked through the darkness, guiding Harry towards his bedroom. It was so silent, the walls thick, not a peep being heard from the outside world. The contrast in comparison to the always lively Lego House was immense.  

They entered the bedroom, Harry’s footsteps dragging against the carpet, and Louis tugged him on the remainder of the way, before gently setting him down on the bed. 

“Mhm, tired,” Harry hummed, as Louis removed Harry’s shoes and tucked him under the covers.  

Louis let out a light chuckle, “I know  you’re tired, Hazza.”  

“Mhm,” Harry cooed, sleepily, arms twisting around one of the pillows, hugging it close to his body, much like a child. “Mum?” he asked reaching his arms out blindly.  

Louis froze at the word. He knew Harry was gone, mind asleep and in a dream world, but it still sent his stomach in knots. Louis knew very well that Harry’s mum was dead. And it sent a pang of sadness to his heart to see Harry thinking otherwise, even if it was a dream.  

“Mum?” his sleepy voice croaked again, this time more desperate for an answer.  

“Right here,” Louis found himself whispering back very softly, before kicking off his shoes and joining Harry under the covers, carefully wrapping the younger boy in his arms, as he relaxed against the pillow. Harry always looked so young when he slept, but tonight he seemed like just a child, so pale and fragile looking. A small bout of worry creeped up on Louis as he watched the boy ease into a peaceful sleep. It had been a few weeks since Louis had allowed himself to properly worry over the boy, and Harry had given him little to worry over, always smiling and happy, bouncing around Lego House with a carefree attitude. But Louis’s heart was hurting, and he didn’t understand why. Something in the way the boy had fallen asleep, something in the way he so urgently cried out for his mother, it didn’t sit right with him. Smiles were all good and well, but smiles also had a way of masking quite a lot.  

Louis pulled Harry in closer, and tried his best to shelter him as they slept.  

***

Harry sat on the edge of the bed sighing as he stared down at Louis, still asleep. It had felt odd waking up at Louis’s again after so many nights of being at Lego House now. When he awoke he found himself tightly tangled in Louis’s arms, warm, comfortable, safe. It took a lot for him to pull away from such an embrace, but he eventually managed.  

It was all too much. He shouldn’t have ever said they were a couple. He shouldn’t have kept coming around to Louis’s. He shouldn’t have slept with Louis’s drug dealers to settle Louis’s debt. He shouldn’t have slept with Louis the first time. He shouldn’t have taken a short cut that night in late February. He shouldn’t have saved Louis in the alley at all.  

He should’ve gone straight to Babylon, the normal way, gotten into Steven’s car, not skipped out on an appointment, not initiated a chain of skips and missed appointments. He should’ve kept life simple.  

But ever since that night, ever since he met Louis, nothing had been simple. Granted things hadn’t been peachy before Louis, but it had been manageable, easy. But now things were complicated. Things were messy. And there were feelings involved, feelings Harry would have been much happier never to have to deal with.  

And yet, despite it all, Harry couldn’t leave Louis. He didn’t  _want_  to. All the bad that had come into his life was bearable knowing that Louis was just a phone call away. Louis was simultaneously his uplifter and his greatest downfall.  

Louis began to stir, muscles moving slowly, eyes peaking open, and Harry eased a smile on his face, ready for another day.  

“Hi,” he greeted softly as Louis rubbed the sleep from his eyes.  

“Hey,” Louis croaked, lifting himself up into sitting position. He scratched his stomach, shirt riding up to expose soft skin. Harry’s eyes darted down, relishing in how much he loved the feeling of Louis’s skin. Louis’s body was so familiar, it was refreshing to know someone so well, so intimately well, when most of his time was spent with unfamiliar bodies, one after the other after the other. The thought made his skin crawl a bit. There were only a handful or ‘regular’ customers that he knew fairly well, but even still, it was never intimate, it was never gentle, their skin was never  _soft_  and comfortable and  _safe_. 

Harry shook himself, ridding the thoughts from his head as he glanced back up at Louis, eyes meeting, dancing together. “I have to go,” Harry stated, and he hated the way the words came out, he hate that they had to come out at all. He’d said those words countless times, always being the first to leave, always departing, always vanishing. But that was his life. That had always been his life.  

Louis nodded, accepting this. He was so used to it by now, and it pained Harry, it hurt, and he didn’t like that it hurt, but it did. It pained him to know that Louis had just come to expect this of him. That leaving was not a surprise.  

“I have work anyway,” Louis said, rising from the bed and beginning to strip off his clothes. Harry’s eyes followed him, listening intently to his every word. “Morning shift,” he went on, strolling over to his dresser and picking out his clothes for the day before walking towards the bathroom door that stood slightly ajar.  

“Right,” Harry said, getting to his feet and crossing the room to meet Louis at the threshold of the bathroom door. “Well I’ll leave you to get ready,” he said as lightly as he could manage, leaning in and pecking a kiss on Louis’s lips.  

Just as he was pulling away, Louis wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled him into a hug. “See you,” he murmured into Harry’s ear, before letting him go.  

Harry waved goodbye, and padded through the flat and out the front door. As he made the walk back to Lego House, Harry’s mind began to wander again. The good thing about Louis recently being around 24/7 was that he always kept Harry occupied. The past two weeks Harry had barely any time to himself, barely any time to get properly lost in his head.  

It was just May now, they were only a few days into the new month, and it shocked Harry to think that already almost three months had passed since he met Louis. It didn’t feel that way, yet at the same time, he couldn’t really think of ever not knowing Louis. As much as it scared him, everything with Louis, he knew that having him around was far better than not. Despite all the feelings and sex and  _everything_ , Louis was also a friend, and a very good friend at that, and Harry liked having friends, he knew how to handle friendship. Danielle was his friend, Zayn was his friend. Niall was now a friend, and Liam was getting there. Everyone at Lego House was a friend, all in varying degrees of friendship, but friends non the less. Friendship was easier, because the feelings that came with friendship weren’t daunting, demanding, or intense.  

Harry had tried to keep Louis just a friend, he’d tried so hard, avoiding him in the beginning when things had gotten too intense. But it hadn’t worked, and a part of Harry had known right from the start, when his heart had fluttered and his skin had sparked just by touching the boy, slumped against a brick wall in a cold and filthy alley, he’d known even then that he wouldn’t be able to shake the boy.  

He still felt guilty though. The guilt followed him around constantly. He felt guilty for dragging Louis into his life. He felt selfish for keeping him around, when things would only get worse for Harry. And he felt horrible for lying to him, and keeping secrets. But he had do it. He couldn’t get Louis involved in the tangled mess that had been following Harry around for as long as he could remember. He had to shelter Louis from it as much as possible. At the end of the day, he was doing it because he  _cared_. But thinking about that fact was something Harry did not like to do.  

He liked having Louis around, it made everything a little bit easier to bear, but a small part of him wished he would just leave, get out while he still had a chance, because Harry didn’t want to take Louis down with him.  

He approached the steps of Lego House, letting out a shaky breath. It was the beginning of another day. Inside he’d be met by the boisterous voices of his friends, his ‘house mates’ as they all liked to call each other. Lego House was really like one big house, and then everyone had their flats, which were like their ‘rooms’. But they all lived together; their doors were always opened, people strolling in and out of flats. Everyone trusted one another, everyone helped each other out. That was one of the things Harry loved most about Lego House. 

The window to one of the flats on the fourth floor was open, and Harry could hear the distant thump of music coming through. Even from just standing outside the building he could almost hear all the voices inside, the laughs and squeals, the sound of feet coming down the stairs. Once inside he’d have no more time with his thoughts. Looking forward to that, he opened the front door and stepped inside.  

“Harry Styles,” greeted a voice from the staircase as he stood for a moment in the entrance way, fixing his shirt. He looked up to find Dani beaming at him, sat on the second to last step.  

“Hey,” he said, making his way over, and sitting down beside her, flashing an equally big grin. Dani reminded him a lot of his older sister, she was sweet and kind, but a little demanding and strict. She looked after Harry and was easy to talk to. And she also made the best home cooked meals.  

“Where’ve you been all night, young man?” she asked, raising a brow, and smirking, because she knew  _exactly_  where he’d been last night.  

Harry chuckled and ducked his head a little. “I was at Lou’s.”  

Danielle let her lips form a perfect ‘o’, feigning shock. “You spent the night with you’re  _boyfriend_. Harry Edward Styles, what did we talk about! No spending the nights with boyfriends. You’re grounded.”  

Harry now let out a proper laugh, barking loudly and squinting his eyes shut. “Thanks, mum,” he jested, before settling down. A few quiet moments passed and then Harry spoke again. “I really wish people wouldn’t say that though,” he said softly, staring down at his feet.  

“Say what?” Danielle asked, “That you’re not allowed to sleep at your boyfriend’s––”  

Harry looked up to meet her eyes and at those words she trailed off. “That,” Harry said.  

“Boyfriend?” Danielle whispered.  

Harry nodded, turning his eyes back down to the ground. “It’s just––I don’t know,” Harry said, shrugging a shoulder. He didn’t know how to explain it out loud, but he knew Danielle would understand him.  

“It’s a little much?” she tried.  

Harry nodded.  

“A little overwhelming?”  

He nodded again.  

“Labels are a bit scary? Because then it means something? Something that can be lost?” 

Harry nodded a third time.  

Danielle sighed and wrapped an arm around Harry’s shoulders, pulling him in and pressing a kiss to his head. “It’s alright to be scared, Harry,” she said quietly, rubbing his arms soothingly. “And its also alright to feel the way you do about Lou,” giving him a look. “Yeah?”  

Harry nodded once. “Yeah,” he said ever so softly. “I just don’t want him to get hurt,” he croaked.  

Danielle’s expression softened. “Oh Harry,” she sighed, pulling him in closer. “You’ve got to stop thinking everyone that touches you is going to get hurt. What happened to me with Steven was not your fault. And that wont happen to Louis,” she assured.  

But Harry wasn’t talking about the mess with Steven. Sure that was a bit problematic, but those problems were only the tip of the iceberg. His problems ran deeper, following him from far back, before he’d ever met Louis, before he’d even come to live at Lego House, even before he moved to London. But Danielle didn’t know what was really worrying him. None of them knew, because, like with Louis, he wanted to protect them.  

Harry pulled away from Danielle’s embrace, and nodded in response, “Yeah, I know,” he covered quickly, letting her believe that Steven going after Louis was the only worry on his mind.  

Danielle was satisfied with his response, and she smiled and settled back comfortably.  

“So, how are things with you and Liam?” Harry asked, changing the subject and getting the attention off him.  

Danielle’s eyes lit up at the mention of her relationship. “Oh things are wonderful,” she sighed happily. “He’s real great. Such a gentleman. It’s been a long time since I’ve been with a good guy, it’s refreshing, you know? And he’s always saying the sweetest things. And he’s real goofy and adorable, I don’t know, I love it….”  

Harry listened intently with a smile on his face as she rambled on about her relationship, describing all the places they’d been to in the past few days of their budding relationship, to recounting conversations they’d had, word for word.  

After a while the rambling stopped and then both had to go do other things. Harry climbed up to his flat, expecting to find Zayn and possibly Niall, but instead he found it silent and empty. Harry used the solitude to start getting ready for work. Tonight he had no appointments, so that meant a night of standing on the corner, waiting for some sleazy guy to pick him up.  

Sometimes he really questioned why he still did it. He wasn’t homeless anymore, surely he could get a job doing something, well, normal. And Zayn wasn’t a broke hooker anymore either. But Harry didn’t like having to make Zayn pay for everything, and he knew he’d never be able to turn things around now. Not with everything that was going on. And part of him still liked it. Harry _liked_  having sex. He was good at it. But ever since he met Louis he had started to question if maybe there was something better than all of this. If maybe there was more to life than meaningless sex. If maybe he could get out of this maze that had trapped him up for so long. They were hopeful little thoughts that he got sometimes when he was alone with Louis, curled up against his chest. But those thoughts had little place in Harry mind, the rest of Harry’s head banished them, taunting Harry for such wishful thinking.  

_You’re nothing more than a whore,_  a bitter voice in his head said as he looked at his naked body in the bathroom mirror. He blinked away the sting in his eyes and stared at his reflection, he knew his body well. He knew every inch, he knew all the markings and where they’d come from. He could trace every scar and remember its story. His fingers traced over three little ones on the inside of his upper arm, already faded, and healing. They were a month old now, and the nightmare of a memory that came with them stored away deep inside his mind.  

The rest of him was covered in bruises, all in different stages of healing, but most were simply from sex, nothing bad. Harry turned away from the mirror and stepped into the shower, taking his time to wash his body and hair. Showers always calmed him, the water would trickle down his body and wash away everything, the pain, or guilt, what ever feelings he wished to rid himself of. The water would also wash away the filth he felt whenever he got home from a long night out working. He always felt dirty, and he always scrubbed extra hard to rid himself of the feeling.  

After his shower, Harry dressed and settled down on the sofa with a quickly fixed meal. He ate in silence for a while, and then his phone buzzed to life on the coffee table. Harry snatched it up and flipped it open, seeing one new messaged from Louis.  

**From: Louis**  

_Hey! Just got home, Niall and Zayn are over for dinner, want to come? Xx_  

**Time: 6:30 pm**

Harry typed away a response.  

_Sorry can’t, have to work, maybe I’ll come round later tonight xx_  

Later tonight usually meant sometime early morning, but Louis was already used to Harry schedule. A few moments later his phone buzzed again.  

**From: Louis**

 Okay, we’ll miss you Xxx 

**Time: 6:37 pm**  

Finishing up his dinner, Harry set his plate in the kitchen and slipped into his shoes before hitting the streets. It was a warm night and he still had some time to kill before anyone would be out looking for a hooker to take home for the night. Harry decided on visiting Babylon and hanging out with Josh and Sandy who would be working the stage tonight.  

He walked down the block and decided against the short cut through the alley, deciding to take the long way instead. Babylon was just in sight when Harry’s stomach began to tighten with an inexplicable sort of panic. It was out of the corner of his eye that he saw it, a black car slowly following behind him. His body began to shut down, his movements becoming slower. But no, Babylon was  _right there_. Josh and Sandy, his friends, were  _right there_. He was just meters away from safety…. 

But he stopped. He stopped walking because he heard his voice. He heard his voice command him to stop. The car stopped too, and then he came out, stepping in front of Harry who refused to meet his eyes, glaring down at the ground, fists clenching at his sides.  

“Look at me, boy,” the man said, yanking up Harry’s chin. Harry’s eyes clenched shut, but opened slowly, his eyes meeting the cold ones of the man before him. Harry tried to ignore the man. He willed himself to think of bright blue eyes instead. Anything to calm him down, anything to give him hope.  

“I’ve been looking for you,” he spat. “Where’ve you been?” he said shaking Harry’s chin.  

Harry clenched his jaw shut, refusing to speak to the man.  

“Answer me, boy!” the man shook impatiently, anger flaring up in his dark eyes.  

“I-I’ve been busy. W-working,” Harry sputtered, and he hated the way his voice shook. He hated the sting in his eyes. He hated everything this man did to him.  

“ _Working?_ Working as a whore. Like the whore that you are.” His words cut at Harry, slashing and tearing him open. “Get in the car,” he said, roughly pushing him towards the back seat.  

Harry knew better than to fight. He always knew better. It had been a month since he’d been shoved into that car. A month since he’d been senselessly beaten. A month since he’d come home a bloody mess and caused Louis to worry over him. It had been a month where Harry thought maybe he’d heal. But his wounds were far from healed, and they were about to be ripped open once more.  

***

It was passed midnight when the elevator door opened to Louis’s floor. Harry was tired, he was worn down, but physically he looked unscathed. There were a few bumps and bruises, but nothing that would raise a brow, nothing that would cause a commotion. It was inside that he was hurting most. Inside his head. The voices echoing around, repeating how worthless he was, how undeserving of love he was, how filthy and disgusting he was. Over and over like a broken record they repeated as he trudged down the hall to Louis’s door. He knocked on the door gently, not enough strength to knock any harder. He continued tapping on the door, hoping Louis would hear him. It was a few minutes until the door opened. Harry looked at Louis standing in the doorway through dead eyes.  

“Harry?” Louis whispered, though there was no need for whispering. He stifled a yawn and opened the door wider, waiting for Harry to come in.  

But Harry didn’t move. He couldn’t move anther muscle. He could feel the sting of tears beginning to form, and the heave of his chest as his breaths began to come out shallow. He was going to lose it, he was going to crumble right there in front of Louis, and then he’d really be fucked. Because Louis’s wouldn’t let him go until he told him what was wrong, and Harry couldn’t do that. 

“Harry?” Louis tried again, stepping out into the hallway and reaching out for Harry’s waist.  

It was all hitting Harry so fast, piece by piece in a tragic sort of way. 

He cared about Louis. He cared about him so much.  

He wanted to protect Louis. But he couldn’t walk away.  

He was far too attached. Louis was the only thing in his whole life who was keeping him together. He as the only person who gave him hope. He was the one he thought of when he was at his lowest.  

He needed Louis. He needed Louis because Louis made him feel like he was worth something.  

And maybe it was selfish, and part of him didn’t even believe he had the right to be worth anything to someone as magnificent as Louis, but the fact that Louis looked at him with a sparkle in his eyes, the fact that Louis would smile just at the sight of him, it made Harry feel a little bit better about himself, it made his heart hurt a little less.  

Louis enveloped him in his arm, pressing their bodies together until there was no space between them and they could each feel the hammering of their hearts.  

“Harry what’s wrong?” Louis repeated, his voice full of tenderness.   

Harry squeezed his eyes shut, wrapping his arms tightly around Louis’s body, fingers knotting into the fabric of his shirt. “Nothing,” he croaked, almost choking on the word.  

Harry always found lying and hiding easy. It was simple, it had always been simple. But this time it hurt, it wasn’t right. The lie tasted bitter. He had to force it out. And the guilt settle in the pit of his stomach weighing him down. But he couldn’t stop, he couldn’t stop if he tried. It was all for _him_. He couldn’t let Louis worry over him. Louis had his own problems to deal with. Worry lead to stress, and stress is what caused Louis to abuse drugs. He couldn’t be the reason Louis slipped.  

Louis was smart though. He knew Harry was hurting, even if he didn’t want to share why he was hurting. Louis held him tight for some time, holding with no intention of ever letting go. They stood out in the hallway for a while, and eventually found themselves sat on the floor, leaning against the wall opposite Louis’s flat. Harry was curled into Louis’s body, tucked safely in the warmth of his arms. He liked being with Louis. He liked feeling safe. He liked Louis’s smell, and the softness of his skin. He liked Louis’s bright blue eyes and Louis’s smile and the smoothness of his lips. He likes the way Louis gently caressed him and rubbed circles on his arm with his thumb. He liked the way the world looked when he was with Louis, less scary, brighter, hopeful. He liked everything about Louis, and it sent pangs to his heart and flutters to his stomach and tears to his eyes. 

He didn’t deserve Louis, that much was for sure, but he was lucky to have him.  

“Harry?” Louis said after a long while of comfortable silence. 

“Hmm?” Harry murmured, glancing up at Louis. His breath caught a little in his throat as their eyes met, the blue always catching him off guard, even after all this time.  

“Do you want to go bed, get some sleep?” Louis offered, nodding towards the still open door across the hall. 

Harry found himself nodding, and then the two of them got to their feet and entered the dark flat. Louis flicked on a light and took hold of Harry’s hand, intertwining their fingers together. Harry would normally panic at such an action, scared by what it might mean, but he had already surrendered to his feelings. He’d already fallen off the edge that he’d so carefully been balancing on. He let himself fall. It was a battle he knew he could not win. Whether or not he’d ever acknowledge such feelings aloud was another story.  

They entered the room and Louis guided them over to the bed where they both eased down onto the mattress and under the covers. They turned to face each other, hands still intertwined between them. And then, without much thought, Harry leaned in and kissed Louis softly. His lips felt warm and soft and perfectly familiar. The kiss was slow and sweet, and Harry tried to pour as much emotion into it, hoping Louis would understand what he was feeling without having to put it into words. They kissed for awhile, and with each passing moment Harry felt himself melt further into Louis’s arms, it was all over, Harry couldn’t turn back now even if he tried. When they broke apart Louis’s eyes were sparkling and a small smile played across his lips and Harry knew he’d understood.  

“Me too, Haz,” Louis murmured quietly, lips fluttering against Harry’s.  

They fell asleep like that, falling into their separate dreamlands, and falling for each other. 


	9. Happy Days (Be Like You)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains triggering material involving self harm and depression.

Sometimes everything in life just falls right into place. Sometimes it also simultaneously falls apart. Its funny how two people’s lives can be so interwoven, and yet so very different. Five days in May saw two very different outcomes in the lives of two boys. One found himself rebuilding, while the other, well the other wasn’t as fortunate. He found himself crumbling. 

The first day was Saturday, May 11th.  

Louis phone vibrated and rang non stop on the morning of May 11th. He awoke groggily and peeked at the cellphone resting on his night stand. He lifted it up and the screen revealed 5 new messages, 7 missed calls, and three voicemails. Panic quickly flooded through Louis’s veins as his mind zoomed to Harry, who had been out late last night. When he went to his inbox however, he found it full of messages from a number he had not seen in quite a while.  _Mum_.  

Louis quickly scrolled through the messages, all baring the same tale, that she and his sisters were to be coming down to London for the weekend and that Louis needed to look after the girls while she went to visit her good friend who was ill.  

_We’ll be there by tomorrow evening Xxxx_  

That was enough to get Louis out of bed and into his jeans. He stormed right out of his flat, climbed two flights of stairs, and collapsed on one of the stools in Liam’s kitchen, head in hands.  

“What do I  _do?”_ he groaned, head resting on the counter after he had caught Liam up on what was going on.  

Liam pushed a cup of tea over to Louis and sat down beside him. “You really haven’t told her _anything_  that’s happened?”  

“The last time we properly spoke was end of December, right before I dropped out of Uni. She doesn’t know I’ve dropped out of Uni!” Louis exclaimed, just remembering. “Fuck, Liam, I’m screwed.”  

“Maybe you should talk to her, just the two of you, once she gets here,” Liam suggested.  

“Oh I bet that’ll go over well,” Louis scoffed. “‘Hey, Mum, haven’t talked to you in five months, here’s what you’ve missed. Dropped out of Uni, became a drug addict, went into rehab, and now I’m dating a prostitute. Male prostitute. Yeah I’m gay now too!’ She’ll just love that.”  

Liam sighed and got to his feet, padding over to the sink and disposing of his dish. “Do you really think she’ll take it all that bad?” he asked, turning to Louis after a moment. “You two always had a fairly close relationship, despite some bumps here and there.” 

“Li,” Louis began.  

But Liam wouldn’t have it, he cut right in, trying his best to knock some sense into Louis. Admittedly, Louis knew Liam was right; his mother would be much more understanding than he was willing to admit. “Louis, honestly, just talk to her. Sit her down and tell her everything. She’s your mum. And she loves you to bits.”  

“We haven’t spoken in five months,” Louis tried, weakly.  

“And who’s fault is that?”  

“It’s both of our faults!” Louis cried.  

Liam shot him a skeptical look.  

Louis humphed and folded his arms. “Alright, maybe its more my fault than hers. But she could’ve called too!”  

“Who’s the one who blew up on her in a drunken rage and said some pretty awful things?”  

“Alright, alright!” Louis said throwing his arms up in defeat. “So I’m the one who should’ve called and apologized. It’s my fault. Happy?”  

Liam smiled like the self-righteous prick he was, “Well it’s always good to know I was right.”  

Louis rolled his eyes and tossed his crumpled napkin at Liam. “Fuck you.”  

Liam chuckled lightly and clasped Louis’s shoulders. “Everything’s going to be fine, okay? Go clean your place up, stock up on groceries, then go find Harry and distract yourself from  _worrying_ about this.”  

Nodding, Louis got to his feet. “Okay, yeah, good idea…good,” he murmured, before quickly hugging Liam and trudging back up to his flat. 

Louis took one sweeping look at the place before deciding he would never be able to clean the place alone.  

***

“…And I don’t even know if I  _like_  jello anymore, and what if she makes jello? Like what do I do? Do I tell her I don’t like jello anymore? And fuck she’s going to flip when she finds out about Uni. Ugh I already said that didn’t I? Okay but no, really. And omg I’m going to have to watch the girls and there’s hardly any room for them here! Wait––did I just say omg? Fuck, I’m losing it….”  

Harry sat on the couch listening intently to Louis’s ramblings as he jetted to and fro organizing his DVDs, which were sprawled haphazardly across the coffee table. Louis, though, had no way of knowing if Harry was  _really_  listening at all, but he hoped he was. Actually, he didn’t really care much at this point if  _anyone_  was listening, he just needed to get everything off his chest. But Harry kept nodding and making little sounds of agreement at the right moments, so Louis figured yes, Harry was listening to his incessant rambling. How he put up with him, Louis would never understand. But he was glad that Harry was there, and he was glad that together the two of them had managed to make the flat seem somewhat inhabitable.  

“Why exactly are you so scared of your mum?” Harry asked interrupting Louis, mid ramble. Despite all of Louis’s chatter he still hadn’t really clarified why exactly he was so nervous. “What exactly happened between you two? I mean…she’s your  _mum_ ,” Harry concluded somewhat lamely, reclining back on the sofa and watching as Louis grappled with the question, trying to voice his thoughts.  

“I––Well––It’s just––”  

Harry raised a quizzical brow, “Well?” he prompted.  

Louis let out a frustrated sigh and plopped down at the end of the sofa, beside Harry’s feet. “It was Christmas Eve and she was nagging me about, God I don’t even remember. It was something petty but I had been drinking and I was a proper mess,” Louis took a deep breath and stared straight ahead at the television, which remained off, he just couldn’t look at anything else, especially not Harry. “She started yelling at me for whatever it was she we were arguing about. Then she was mad because I’d been drinking, and because I’d been drinking  _a lot_  recently. I started yelling back and then I told her to fuck off and––and all this other horrible stuff. I didn’t mean it, but––I wasn’t thinking straight. Then I just walked out of the house. I grabbed my key and drove off––”  

“You drove while you were smashed?” Harry interrupted, eyes widening.  

Louis spared a quick glance in Harry’s direction and then shrugged half-heartedly. “I was making a lot of stupid choices back then.  _Anyway_ ,” he went on, gaze falling to his lap. “Soon after that my whole life fell apart. I dropped out of Uni two weeks later. Then I started hanging out in the back room of Paradise more and more. I got roped into all sorts of drugs. It got bad fast. I was too deep into all that shit to care about my family. I stopped talking to them, I never apologized for the things I said.” Louis looked up to face Harry again, the sting of tears ever present, his blue eyes beginning to swim. “We haven’t spoken in five months, Haz,” Louis croaked. “What if she hates me?” The tears began to fall down his cheeks without his permission. “I didn’t m-mean a word I s-said,” he sobbed, and soon found himself cocooned in Harry’s arms, comforted by the warmth of them cradling his body softly.  

“She’s your mum,” Harry whispered reassuringly. “She could never hate you. No one could hate you. You’re too good to be hated.” Harry pulled away just enough to flash a smile for Louis to see. Louis ducked his head a little, cheeks flushing pink. He shook his head against Harry’s shoulder.  

“I’m not perfect. I was awful.”  

“No one’s perfect,” Harry stated simply. “But things have changed, Lou. Like you said, you were in a bad place then. That Louis wasn’t you. This Louis is you. And I know for a fact that  _this_  Louis is pretty great, and impossible to hate.” He flashed another wide, dimpled smile, and Louis couldn’t help but reciprocate it.  

“How do you always know just what to say?” Louis asked, staring at Harry is a revered sort of awe.  

Harry shrugged, “It’s a gift,” he quipped, before pecking a kiss on Louis’s lips and pulling himself onto Louis’s lap. “I think” Harry said, tracing his fingers across Louis’s chest while lowering his lips down to his ear, “we should go clean up the bedroom,” Harry whispered, his voice low and seductive.  

“But we just cleaned the–– _oh_ ,” Louis halted, catching on. 

Harry smirked, eyes darkening, before gripping Louis’s shirt and tugging them both down the hall. 

***

“What kind of food do little girls  _like_?” Louis groaned as he and Harry wandered down one of the many isles in the supermarket.  

Harry shot him a bewildered look. “You think I know anything about what little girls enjoy eating?” 

“Well you babysit Lily sometimes, what does  _she_  eat?”  

Harry pondered for a moment, “ _Well_ , sometimes she eats goldfish, cookies, um, she likes those little juice boxes–––wait a minute,” Harry paused, holding out his hand and halting Louis. “They’re  _your sisters_ , you’ve lived with them! You should  _know_  this!”  

Louis laughed softly, “True.” The both turned into the next isle, the snack isle. They stood there, looking down the length of the isle before exchanging looks. “Honestly they’ll probably eat anything,” Louis shrugged.  

Harry nodded in agreement, and then they both made a mad dash down the isle, tossing bags of chips and popcorn and anything they could get their hands on into the shopping cart. Neither one wanted to admit that these were all  _their_  favorite foods, and that using Louis’s sisters was a convenient excuse for stocking up on junk food.  

When they returned to Louis’s flat they unloaded the groceries, and neatly organized them in Louis’s very empty cabinets.  

“Well it’s cos I’m always over at yours these days!” Louis said in his defense when Harry pointed out the barren state of his kitchen cabinets.  

Harry chuckled, a small little smile twisting on his lips. “I’m really glad to have you,” he said suddenly, very softly. 

Louis startled a bit at this, his right arm extended to reach the top cabinet dropped down and he turned to face Harry. Harry stared at Louis through his lashes, a small blush creeping across his cheeks as he gravitated closer to Louis. Louis reached out and placed his hands low on Harry’s hips, pulling him forward and touching foreheads, eyes locking, blue to green. “I’m really glad to have you too,” he whispered back, before catching Harry’s lips in a slow and gentle kiss.  

Harry had been like this for the past few days, ever since he had turned up at Louis’s completely shattered. Since then, Harry had been a little more affectionate then usual, coming out with random little kisses or tender words. Louis knew Harry had been opening up more and more recently, becoming more comfortable, to the point where Harry had declared they were a couple almost two weeks ago now. But still, it always made Louis’s stomach flutter pleasantly whenever Harry displayed these random bursts of tenderness.  

Louis had been thinking a lot about Harry lately (okay, when was he not), but the past few days much more than usual. It seemed that things were finally okay, Louis had concluded. They didn’t really talk about it, they had never really talked about the things that had been bothering Harry, but whatever it was seemed to have vanished, because, for the first time since Louis had met him, Harry seemed genuinely okay, and,  _happy_. And Louis found himself worry less and less over him.  

When they finally finished putting away the groceries the two settled down in front of the television together, Harry laying himself across Louis’s lap. The clock on the wall informed them that it was nearly six, and their stomachs grumbled reminding them that neither had eaten since morning.  

“I really don’t want to get back up,” Louis said glancing down at Harry, who rolled his eyes and swung his feet over the edge of the sofa. “I didn’t mean  _you_  had to get up,” Louis chuckled, reaching out for Harry’s hand.  

Harry allowed Louis to take hold of it, turning back to grin at him. “Well I’m hungry, and if you don’t plan on getting up––”  

Louis launched himself off the sofa, wrapping his arms around Harry’s middle, causing the younger boy to stumbled backward. “Easy there,” Harry said, steadying them both, before leaning into Louis’s embrace. Louis remained hunched over, head down by Harry’s waist and arms fastened tightly around his middle. Louis let his eyes flutter shut, enjoying the simple sensation of holding Harry. Yes, everything was  _finally_  settling down, he concluded happily, inhaling deeply and smiling as Harry’s warm, familiar scent filled him up.  

“I’ll cook,” Louis mumbled against Harry’s stomach (which Louis could hear rumbling).  

Then quite suddenly Harry was laughing, loud and hard. Louis opened his eyes to look up at Harry and Harry doubled over, resting his hands on Louis’s back. “What?” Louis asked pulling back a little to properly look at Harry. Harry opened his eyes and let his laughter die down before speaking.  

“You? C-cook?” He hiccuped and let out a small giggle. “Lou, please,” Harry struggled to resist a smile. “You burned  _pancakes_ , remember?”  

Louis released his grip around Harry’s waist and waved a hand carelessly thought the air. “Oh come on, that was  _one_  time. Plus you always do all the cooking. I wanna cook for you too!” Louis pulled Harry in by the hips and pecked a kiss on his nose. “Now you sit your pretty little bum down and let me take care of dinner.”  

Harry chuckled, put complied, sitting back down and watching in amusement as Louis disappeared into the kitchen. “Do you really think I’ve got a pretty bum?” Harry called after a moment.  

“The prettiest!” Louis shouted back, before a loud crashing sounded through the apartment.  

“ _Lou?_ ” Harry called, suddenly jumping off the couch.  

“Dropped the pot, no big deal!” Louis called back.  

“That’s it I’m coming in to help you!”  

“No, no! I’ve got this!”  

***

Louis struggled for another fifteen minutes before surrendering and letting Harry take over. Their dinner turned out splendid, and Louis vowed to never try and cook again, because Harry was ten thousand times better in the cooking department.  

After dinner Louis begged Harry to stay and go another round in the bedroom, but Harry, mothering Louis, told him that he needed to get some sleep since tomorrow he had work, and then his little sisters would be arriving.  

“And a we both know you won’t be getting any sleep with four girls running around this place.”  

Louis sighed, nodding because Harry was right.  _How is he always right?_  Louis wondered. “Yeah, okay,” Louis said, walking Harry to the door. “Come round tomorrow, though?” he asked, his eyes lighting up hopefully.  

Harry grinned and pecked him on the lips. “’Course. I’ll come by after you get off your shift.”  

“Perfect!” Louis pulled Harry in for one final kiss before reluctantly letting him go. But it had been a long while since it had hurt to see Harry go. Because now Louis knew he’d be returning, he knew Harry wouldn’t disappear on him anymore.  

***

The following morning Louis went through the motions, going to work early, and then returning by midday to prepare for the arrival of his family. As the day progressed his stomach grew more and more uneasy, twisting and churning at the thought of the very awkward conversation he would have to have with his mother later that night.  

Harry tried his best to easy Louis’s worries, but no amount of soft kisses and reassuring words seemed to work. Louis was a sorry sight, fretting over everything from whether the bathroom was tidy enough to wondering if his mum would notice that he’d forgotten to take out the trash.  

“Christ!” he yelped when he finally noticed the time. “They’re going to be here in half an hour. Harry, what do I do?”  

Harry, who was sat at the kitchen counter with an amused expression etched across his face, got up and placed his hands on Louis’s shoulders. “Everything is going to be fine,” he said slowly, looking Louis straight in the eyes. “I’m going to head off now––”  

Louis began to squeal in protest.  

“I’m going to go now,” Harry continued. “only because I have to work tonight,” there was a noticeable reluctance to his tone, “but I’ll be back tomorrow morning,” he assured. “Now you go relax for the next half an hour, okay?”  

Louis found himself nodding, because how could he not when Harry was staring into his eyes like that. He believed in Harry’s words, he alway believe in Harry, ever since the first time, that night that felt like ages ago when he had said it:  _You’ll find a way out._  

And he had, Louis had made it out of the disaster his life had become, and now he was facing the final hurdle, making amends with his mother. And here was Harry again, telling him he would get through it, telling him everything would be alright. And he believed.

  

Jay Tomlinson arrived at her son’s front door much sooner than he expected. Harry had only just departed when he found himself opening the door again. He stood there in shock for a few moments staring at his mother and four little sisters poking out from behind her.  

“Well, come give your old mum a hug!” Jay finally said breaking the silence.  

Before Louis could react he was being pulled into his mum’s arms and suddenly everything felt just right and he was a kid again when nothing could touch him and his mum’s arms were the safest place in the world.  

When Jay pulled away she was smiling, and Louis flashed a quick smile too, before holding the door open for them. “Well come on in!”  

Jay bustled inside, dropping her bags off by the sofa and instantly going towards the kitchen. “I was thinking I’d cook you something special….” she began, her voice trailing off as she began to open the cabinets.  

“Oh, mum, no,” Louis said shutting the door behind his sisters. “Really, it’s fine, you just got here. You don’t have to cook.”  

Jay waved a hand carelessly, “Nonsense. I bet you can’t even remember the last time you had a nice home-cooked meal. You and your friends probably eat all that take away! I know how you Uni kids are.”  

Louis gulped at the mention of Uni. They really needed to talk, the sooner the better. “Yeah, okay,” he said, as he took his sisters’ bags and brought them to his bedroom. Distantly he thought back to last night when Harry had cooked him a proper meal. In fact, the only times he ever ordered food these days were when he was with Liam or Niall.  

When he returned to the kitchen his mum was already working away, boiling water and fixing up a salad.  

“I told the girls they could turn on the telly,” Jay said, distractedly as she lowered the temperature of the stove. “Hope that’s alright.”  

“Yeah…’s fine,” Louis said, lingering in the kitchen doorframe. “Listen, mum––”  

“Louis, dear, would you please start setting the table,” Jay hummed as she stirred the pot.  

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Louis said, going over to the cabinet and pulling down the dishes. “Look, I really wanted to talk to you about––er, things.”  

“Ooh hot, hot!” Jay hisses as she pulled the pot off the stove. “Yes, okay, dear. We can talk after dinner.”  

Louis nodded, “Alright.”  

Jay smiled, and rubbed her son’s back. “Now go call your sisters for dinner, yeah?”  

***

Dinner was an awkward affair. Jay was trying too hard to pretend that nothing was wrong, Louis was squirming with guilt, Lottie and Felicite weren’t talking, and Daisy and Phoebe were talking too much.  

“So how’s school?” Jay tried, when all other attempts at conversation failed.  

Louis swallowed hard, shoving another mouthful of food in his mouth in order to delay the question. He couldn’t possibly tell her the truth, not now, not with his little sisters at the table.  

“Er, good good, yeah,” he replied simply, quickly taking a sip of water.  

“And Liam and Niall? How are they?”  

This was better, Louis sighed in relief, he could talk about Liam and Niall, there was nothing wrong with them. Well aside from the fact that one was dating a pornstar and the other an exotic dancer, but there was no need to get into the particulars. And so Louis spent the remainder of dinner talking about Liam and Danielle and Niall and Zayn. Jay had been surprised to find out Niall was dating a guy, but otherwise was fairly okay with it.  

“What about you, Louis?” Daisy asked as they were finishing up dinner. “Do you have a girlfriend?” 

“Or boyfriend?” Phoebe amended.  

“Or boyfriend?” Daisy echoed.  

Louis let out a shaky laugh, and Jay fixed him with a curious look. “Who?” she asked, raising her brows.  

“No one,” Louis said, trying not to smile.  

Jay got to her feet and started collecting the dishes. “We’re not done talking about this,” she said quietly so only he could hear, then she gave him a little wink and disappeared into the kitchen.  

After the dishes were done, Louis approached Jay again. He just wanted to get it over with now, tell her everything straight up and then deal with the consequences. However, like most things in Louis’s life, things did not go as planned. 

“Shoot,” Jay muttered looking at her phone. “Louis, sweetheart, I’m going to have to go.”  

“Go?” Louis croaked. “But you just got here, and we were going to––talk.”  

“I know, baby, but like I said, I’m here visiting my friend who’s very ill. And I’m late, I promised her I’d meet her over a half hour ago. In fact I won’t be around most of our stay, that’s why I need you to watch the girlies.”  

“But––”  

Jay pulled Louis into a hug and pecked him on the head. “Don’t worry, darling, we’ll have plenty of time to chat later. And––” she looked Louis in the eyes, hers going misty as she smiled. “All is forgiven, yeah?”  

Louis felt the tears creep up on him, but he blinked them away quickly, nodding, “Yeah.”  

“Good.” Jay gave him one parting hug before saying goodbye to the girls and dashing out the door.  

On the sofa his four little sisters sat. Daisy and Phoebe were arguing over what channel they wanted to watch, Felicite was lost in her own world, listening to her iPod, and Lottie was curled up on the very end of the couch, scrolling through her phone. They’d all gotten so much bigger in the months since Louis had last seen them, and for some reason they felt like strangers, and Louis didn’t like it one bit. He approached them hesitantly, before throwing his arms open and asking them, in a very animated fashion, what they would like to do.  

Felicite only glanced up for a moment before shrugging and turning back to her iPod, Lottie glared at Louis through her lashes before scoffing and turning back down to her phone, and Daisy and Phoebe let the remote drop and began bickering back and forth over what game they wanted Louis to play with them.  

Louis knew he was in for a long night, and he found himself desperately wishing for Harry to be by his side helping him.  

***

The girls slept in Louis’s bed, which was big enough to comfortably fit all four of them, and Louis slept on the sofa. He awoke early the following morning to shower and get breakfast ready before the girls awoke.  

As he was fixing breakfast a gentle knock sounded throughout the apartment. “Come in!” Louis shouted, before remembering that his little sisters were still sleeping. “Shit,” he muttered under his breath, just as the front door creaked open.  

“Honey, I’m home!” called Harry’s voice.  

Louis grinned at the sound and came rushing out of the kitchen, index finger pressed to his lips. “Shh shh, the girls are still sleeping,” he said, suppressing a giggle as Harry’s arms twisted around his waist and their lips crashed together.  

“Woops, I’m sorry,” Harry grinned, pulling Louis along, back into the kitchen.  

“Nah, it’s alright,” Louis said, waving a hand carelessly through the air, “They need to get up anyways, I have work, and I’ll have to bring them along.” 

Harry gingerly snatched up a piece of bacon and began munching on it, while talking to Louis. “You’re gonna take the girls to  _work_  with you? Won’t they get bored?”  

Louis shrugged. “Not my problem.”  

Harry rolled his eyes and dusted his hands off as he finished the last of his bacon. “Nikki can’t cover your shift?”  

“Fraid not,” said Louis, picking up the dishes of eggs and bacon and bring them over to the dining room table.  

“You know I can watch them for you, if you want,” Harry suggested.  

Louis turned to Harry, eyes widening in surprise. “ _Really_? Would you?”  

“Yeah, why not,” Harry shrugged. “Not like I have anything better to do.”  

“Mind you two of them are angst-ridden tweens and the other two are hyperactive children. Are you sure you’re up for this?” 

Harry pursed his lips and shot Louis a look. “Do you remember where I  _live_? I’m used to crazy. I’ve got this.”  

“If you say so.”  

Louis strolled down the hall towards his bedroom, gently creaking the door open. His four sisters were still sound asleep. They looked so cute and innocent. “Ready to wake up the munchkins?” he said turning to Harry.  

Harry took a step back. “Nuh uh. You wake them up. I don’t want them to hate me for rudely awakening them.”  

Louis tutted his tongue and rolled his eyes. “Wimp.” Then he turned back to his sisters, taking a deep breath and bracing himself for what was to come. “Rise and shine!” he shouted, and there began a new day.  

***

Harry found that Louis’s sisters were a lot like Louis himself. In fact they each seemed to be different bits of Louis. The twins were Louis’s hyperactive, playful, and dramatic bits. Felicite was Louis’s more quite, reserved, and caring bits. And Lottie, well, Harry didn’t really know what to make of Lottie. In the half hour since Louis had departed she hadn’t spoken a word. Harry had tried including her in the games he, Felicite, and the twins were playing, but she seemed uninterested, remaining curled up on the end of the sofa, forever glued to her phone.  

“You  _sure_  you don’t want to play?” Harry attempted again, pulling on his warmest grin. “It’s Candy Land, everyone loves Candy Land!”  

“Oh just leave her!” Daisy exclaimed, dramatically rolling her eyes and waving her hand carelessly through the air. God, it was  _scary_  how much they resembled Louis.  

“Yeah, she’s all moody and dramatic,” Phoebe said, not bothering with keeping her voice down, “Mummy says its because she’s becoming a  _teenager_.” Phoebe did however, lower her voice for the last word, hissing it out as if it were a swear.  

Harry chuckled lightly, before catching Lottie’s eyes, which were glaring daggers at the group sat on the floor. Ah, yes, Harry concluded, Lottie most definitely was the moody bits of Louis. But if there was anything that Harry was good at, it was pleasing people. He always had been, he knew how to react in order for others to be happy. He never thought much of himself, it was always about others. Whether that was making a customer happy, or an upset friend, or an angst ridden teen. He knew how to make people smile and laugh, even if he could not manage to do the same for himself.  

And so, Harry rolled his eyes, got to his feet, and strolled over to Lottie, stopping right in front of where she sat on the sofa. Lottie tilted her head up to glare at him, eyes icy cold and jaw set, cheeks flushing pink with annoyance. Harry fixed her with a bored expression, a ‘I’m-not-phased-by-your-bullshit-so-stop’ expression, and he held out his hand expectantly. “Phone,” he said  simply, fixing her with a pointed look.  

Never before had he felt like such an adult. It made him feel old, and a bit like a hypocrite considering he was only just eighteen. But still, he wasn’t going to sit back and let Lottie brood the whole day, especially when he needed a healthy distraction from his own life at this point, and playing a good game of fucking Candy Land was just what he needed.  

Lottie let out a huff of air and shifted her eyes in annoyance, her grip on her phone tightening.  

“Haaaaaarry!” the twins squealed, gesturing for him to return to their game.  

Even Felicite rolled her eyes, telling Harry to just give it up and leave Lottie alone.  

Harry ignored all of them, and once again asked Lottie for her mobile.  

“I don’t even know you,” Lottie scoffed, finally speaking for the first time. “You can’t tell me what to do.”  

Harry sighed. “Fine, lets get to know each other then, shall we?” God, why was he being such a prick. The girl was thirteen, and he was technically an adult and yet here he was getting all annoyed at her little angsty games. “My names’s Harry Styles, and you are?” he said, not even holding back on the sarcastic iciness seeping into his voice. 

But he knew what he was doing, he was playing  _her_  game. He was getting on  _her_  level. And he knew he had won her over when a moment later she was smirking and replying with an equally sardonic “Lottie, Lottie Tomlinson.”  

“Pleasure to meet you,” Harry said, holding out his hand. He was expecting her to shake it, but instead, he found a phone resting in his palm.  

“Shall we play then?” Lottie inquired, getting to her feet and strolling over to the board game, set up on the floor.  

Harry glanced down at the phone in his hand and then back at the girls, still in shock that he’d managed to get Lottie out of her shell. From the looks on the other girls’s faces, he could tell they were quite shocked too.  

“It’s a  _miracle_!” Daisy exclaimed.  

Lottie shot her little sister a look and pursed her lips. “Oh shut it.” Then, turning to Harry she asked, “Does my brother have any candy here? Cos it’s always more fun to play when you have something to win.”  

Harry cracked a smile at this, because they did in fact have candy. They’d bought loads of candy at the store the other day, and also, he too always used to play Candy Land with actual candy as the winning prize when he had been younger.  

“Yeah, Lou and I bought loads,” he said, walking over to the kitchen to collect the sweets. 

***

Lottie and Harry ended up tying in the number of wins and splitting the candy. Of course Harry wasn’t going to keep the candy to himself, but it was funny to watch the twins pout and moan for him to share, while he pretended he was going to eat all the candy.  

Lottie and Fizzy (as Harry learned Felicite preferred to be called) giggled their heads off at Harry’s antics until he finally surrendered the pile of candy over to the youngest girls.  

“Not sure that was the wisest decision of my life,” Harry said after a moment as they watched the twins tear candy wrappers off and plop the sweets in their mouths. “All that sugar’s only going to make you two  _more_  hyper,” he said, eyes widening comically as he reached over to tickle the two girls.  

“Stop! Stop!” they chanted in a fit of giggles  

“But then again,” Harry went on, “Lou’s gonna be the one to deal with your hyper little butts, not me!”  

Lottie snorted at this, before getting to her feet. “So how exactly did you and Louis meet again?” she asked, as they all made their way into the kitchen, the twins hanging off Harry’s shoulders.  

“Uh…”  _Shit_. Harry couldn’t possibly tell them the truth, no, of course not. Hell, they didn’t even know that he and Louis were… _dating_. God, that concept still didn’t settle right with Harry. Even after nearly two weeks of officially being “boyfriends” it just…it felt wrong. Harry didn’t deserve to have a  _boyfriend_ , a permanent companion to always be by his side. He didn’t deserve _anything_. He was worthless, nothing, nobody, unloved, unwanted–– 

“Harry?” Lottie’s concerned and questioning voice cut in through his thoughts which had been heading towards dangerous territory. He was glad for Lottie’s interruption.  

“Um, yeah, we uh, met through Liam,” Harry said quickly recovering. “He’s dating one of my mates, Danielle.” 

Lottie’s brows crinkled a little as she nodded. “So you’ve only known each other for a few weeks then?”  

“Um…what? No. We’ve been friends for a few months now,” Harry said, now growing equally confused.  

“But Louis told us about Liam and Danielle and said they only just started dating a few weeks ago,” Lottie explained, opening the refrigerator and scanning its contents.  

_Damn_. Louis had already talked about Liam and Danielle, of course he had. And he probably already mentioned Zayn and Niall too. He needed to fix his story quick. Harry set down the twins and turned back to Lottie, amending his story. “Right, well they were friends first, before they started dating,” Harry explained, lying easily, it was always easy. He felt himself fall back into a comfortable rhythm, it had been a while since he’d been able to lie so easily, especially lately, lying had become quite difficult with Louis.  “They were friends and I was friends with Dani, and Louis with Liam obviously, and then one day we all just got together to hang out and we hit it off.”  

“Oh,” Lottie said, easily accepting his story and pulling out some bread and cold cuts. “Anyone fancy a sandwich?” she asked turning to the others with a grin.  

The general consensus was yes, everyone fancied a sandwich. Harry released a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding as they all began making sandwiches. He was relieved that Lottie had bought his lie, he was relieved that for the first time he didn’t have to admit to being a whore, that for the first time he could be just Harry, the eighteen year old who liked playing Candy Land and eating ham and cheese sandwiches (cut diagonally down the middle of course) and sipping apple juice out of a straw and watching cartoons on the telly. It felt nice, it felt…normal. He hadn’t felt normal in a very long time.  

He found himself smiling as the girls began dancing and playing music while they made their sandwiches, the four of them so in synch, acting just the way family should. In a funny way it reminded him of how he and all the residents of Lego House acted. Did that make them family? Harry quite liked that idea.  

They settled down in the living room with their sandwiches, and the twins continued bouncing around, chatting animatedly about anything and everything. Lottie told Harry about the boy she liked, and Fizzy told him all about the school play he was going to be in. The afternoon flew by, and all too soon Louis was walking through the door, back from work.  

When Louis walked into his flat he was met with a sight unlike any other. Lottie was actually laughing, loudly. Fizzy was chatting away, talking more than Louis had ever seen, and the twins were jumping on Harry’s back as he spun them around and carried them around the room.  

“You guys threw a party and forgot to invite  _me_?” he exclaimed dramatically, causing all their head to turn and notice Louis for the first time. 

Instantly Lottie’s smiles vanished, replaced by glaring eyes and a frown. Fizzy, noticing the change in her sister, quickly grew silent. Only the twins continued as usual, jumping off Harry and running over to greet their brother. Harry walked over to meet Louis and almost leaned in to peck him before remembering his little sisters were there and didn’t know that they were together.  

“Er…hey, Lou,” Harry said awkwardly pulling away. He caught Lottie’s expression flash with brief confusion, and he scolded himself for nearly slipping. Louis though didn’t notice the moment of awkwardness, and he scooped up his youngest sisters and lead them into the living room. Harry lingered by the door, until Louis turned his head over his shoulder and beckoned him to join them.  

“I should actually be going,” Harry said nodding his head towards the door.  

Louis pouted a little, and the twins protested loudly, chanting for Harry to stay and play with them.  

Harry went over to the girls and gave them hugs. “I promise I’ll be back tomorrow. And,” he smiled at Louis, “Lou’s off from work tomorrow so we can all go do something fun.”  

At this the twins jumped up and down with ecstatic shouts. “Can we get ice cream?” they asked looking up at Harry with big, hopeful blue eyes.   

Harry grinned down at them. “Sure we can! I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”  

They nodded quickly and then, with final hugs, Harry departed, back to Lego House, and back to the dangerous, swimming thoughts in his head.  

***

Louis let out a sigh of relief the following morning when Harry finally arrived. The past two hours since the girls had woken up had been a nightmare. Daisy and Phoebe had been fussy, asking incessantly for Harry, and Lottie hadn’t uttered a word and Louis was  fed up with the little silent treatment that she was giving him without any reason.  

“Thank God,” Louis said when he opened the door to reveal a beaming Harry.  

“Missed me?” Harry asked with a cheeky smile.  

Louis fisted Harry’s shirt and pulled him over the threshold. “Babe, you have  _no_  idea.” 

Harry chuckled softly and followed as Louis tugged him along into the living room where the four girls sat grumpily on the sofa. “Work your magic,” Louis muttered under his breath, before pushing Harry forward towards the girls. “Look who’s here!” Louis exclaimed, try his best to keep the weariness out of his tone.  

Instantly the girls jumped up in a chorus of “Harry!” and even Lottie perked up, getting off the sofa to come say hello.  

Louis watched in amazement at how well his sisters got on with his boyfriend. He wanted to tell them, he knew they wouldn’t mind––him having a boyfriend, but he wanted to tell his mum first, but his mum was nowhere to be found. The burden of everything he had to tell her was weighing him down, and the fact that his sisters seemed less than pleased to spend time with him made everything feel ten times worse.  Part of him––a very, very,  _very_  small part of him––was floundering under all the anxiety and pressure. And that very small part of him was also craving a form of escape.  

But the rest of him managed to push down this small part of him, and with a smile on his face he plowed on, determined to get through all of this. “So,” he said, clapping his hands together, “Where are we going to go today?”  

“Well Harry promised ice cream, right, Harry?” Daisy said, looking up at Harry and tugging at his hand.  

Harry nodded, giving her one of his big, genuine smiles that Louis loved so much.  

“Okay,” Louis said, nodding and pointing to his index finger. “Ice cream, what else?”  

“Oooh ooh! Can we go to the park?” Phoebe asked, jumping giddily on her tip toes.  

Louis and Harry both laughed and agreed, Louis counting out a second finger. “Ice cream, park, any other requests? Fiz? Lottie?”  

Fizzy thought for a moment before voicing a suggestion of her own. “Could we go to the aquarium?” she asked timidly.  

Louis stuck out a third finger, agreeing instantly, “Sure you’ve got it. Aqu––wait. Since when do you like fish?” Louis asked looking up curiously at his sister.  

Fizzy shrugged. “I don’t know.”  

Louis shrugged too. “Whatever. Aquarium, you got it. Lottie Pottie?” Louis said turning to  the eldest of the four, completely forgetting that they weren’t exactly on good terms for some reason.  

She glared at him at the sound of the embarrassing nickname, before crossing her arms. “I’m good,” she replied curtly. 

It was really starting to get to him, her attitude. Louis just didn’t understand  _why_  she was acting like this, and apparently  _only_  towards him, since she was perfectly fine yesterday with Harry. It was especially upsetting because he and Lottie had always had a fairly close relationship, despite the age gap. He really wanted to know what was bothering her, but it seemed like he wouldn’t be finding out anytime soon as she refused to talk to him, except for in short, snippy responses. He only hoped that she would still manage to have a good time today, despite her annoyances towards him.  

Twenty minutes later the six of them where making their way down to the aquarium, Daisy and Phoebe holding hands with Louis and Harry and swinging their arms as they walked. Harry kept glancing down at the girls, and then over at Louis, catching his eye from time to time and sending him a big smile. It was a good day. The sun was out, the sky was fairly clear, everything felt good, Harry’s troubles were pushed far back in his mind, safely locked away.  

They spent most of the morning at the aquarium. Fizzy, it turns out, really likes sea creatures. The twins enjoyed it too, frantically pointing at the tanks and naming all the creatures.  

“ _That’s_  a sea turtle.” 

“ _That’s_  a clown fish––like Nemo.”  

“ _That’s_  a seahorse.” 

“ _That’s_  a shark.” 

After the aquarium, they all found a nice little restaurant close by to sit down for lunch. As the day went on, Lottie began to ease up, her scowl began to falter, and eventually, she just gave up the whole act. She still was avoiding long conversations with Louis for whatever reason, but she was smiling, and laughing, so it was okay.

Following lunch, the twins began to badger the boys about the ice cream they promised, and so, killing two birds with one stone they went to Hyde Park, where the girls played on the playground, and then they all got ice cream.  

Louis and Harry sat on one of the park benches as Lottie and Fizzy played with the twins on the playground. 

“Thanks for helping me out today,” Louis said as they both watched the girls run to and fro in a game of tag.  

Harry shrugged, tearing his eyes away from the girls to look at Louis. “Its nothing.”  

Louis met Harry’s eyes, and God he wanted to kiss him right then and there. Harry was always doing that, acting selfless, as if the things he did didn’t matter. But they did matter, they mattered to Louis, they mattered so much.  _He_  mattered so much.  

“It’s not nothing,” Louis said after a moment. “Really, you have no idea how grateful I am to have you. I could’ve never handled the girls on my own.”  

A small smile pulled at the corners of Harry’s lips. There was something in his eyes, something in the way he was looking back at Louis, that just made Louis’s heart stop, and his breath hitch. Harry looked so beautiful in that moment, honestly glowing, and all Louis wanted to do was wrap him up in his arms and hold him tight, feel the warmth of his skin, and pepper kisses all over him.  

“Do you know how hard I’m trying not to kiss you right now,” Louis breathed, still staring deeply into Harry’s magnificent eyes.  

Harry shifted a little so that his whole body was facing Louis. “Not as hard as I’m trying.”  

Louis let out a low groan, “Fuck, Haz. I want you so bad right now.” 

 Harry let out a chuckle. “Easy there, horny grasshopper. Patience.” Harry place a hand on Louis’s chest as to halt him, but his fingers gently traced their way down, and Louis soon found himself shifting to adjust himself.  

“You’re such a fucking tease,” Louis hissed, trying to control himself.  

Harry shrugged before removing his hand and smirking. “It’s my job.”  

***

When they returned to Louis’s flat it was just about dinner time. Harry was flicking through the channels on the TV in search of something to keep the girls entertained while he and Louis fixed dinner. They had only been home for about fifteen minutes, when there was a knock on the door, and then, “Louis, it’s me, Mum!”  

The door was still unlocked so Louis shouted for her to come in. When she did, her eyes instantly landed on Harry, who was standing in the middle of the living room, turned to face the door.  

“Oh, hello,” Jay said, catching Harry’s eye.  

Harry smiled and waved. “Hello, you’re Louis’s mum.”  

“I am,” Jay beamed at the curly haired boy. “And who are you?”  

Harry strolled over to meet Jay by the door, his whole body tensing nervously inside, but the rest of him managed to maintain an outer exterior of calm. But this was Louis’s  _mum_. This was his _boyfriend’s_  mum. Slowly (it seemed like ages) he held out his hand and replied, “Harry, Harry Styles.”  

Jay took his hand and smiled, before pulling him into a quite unexpected hug. “Good to meet you, Harry,” she said, rubbing his back.  

It felt oddly nice, it was such a motherly hug, something he hadn’t experienced in far too long.  

It was then that Louis finally poked his head out of the kitchen, eyebrows going up as he spotted his mum and boyfriend hugging. Harry gave him a little smile over Jay’s shoulder, and then Louis padded over to them to greet his mum.  

“Hello,” he said, pulling her into a hug.  

“Hello, baby,” she said giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.  “Are you guys just starting up dinner?” she asked, glancing over into the kitchen where Louis had begun some of the cooking (sticking frozen food into the oven).  

“Er…” Louis said, scratching the back of his head. “Sort of?” 

“Oh here, let me,” Jay said, bustling into the kitchen.  

“No, no, mum, its fine. We can do it.”  

Jay looked at the two boys and scoffed, “Two Uni boys to cook for seven? Please, let me.”  

Louis fidgeted slightly, first at the mention of Uni, but then also partly because, well, he wanted to prove to her that he didn’t need her to do everything for him.  

“No, really, mum,” he tried again, “Harry’s an amazing cook. He does all my cooking, and he cooks for his friends all the time, like,” he shot Harry a sideways glance, eyes locking as he spoke, “he’s  _really_  good.”   

Jay looked between the two boys, before surrendering over the kitchen. “Alright, alright, lets see what you boys can do.” 

Harry ended up coming out with some fancy chicken and pasta dish and Louis was once again shocked at the pure perfection that Harry was. Jay raved over the meal, and the girls ate every last bit.  

Jay stayed around until the girls went to bed, and then she jetted off, back to meet her friend. Louis tried to get her to stay, so they he could  _finally_  talk to her, but she couldn’t.  

“I’ll be back tomorrow, sweetie. We’ll chat then. Actually, we’ll be leaving tomorrow night, so when I come by to pick up the girls we can talk, okay?”  

Louis sighed and nodded, “Yeah, okay.” Then she gave him a big hug before departing.  

Once she was gone Louis and Harry settled down on the sofa. “Still haven’t told her?” Harry asked, though he already knew the answer.  

Louis shook his head. “She hasn’t been around long enough for me to tell her. She’s always running off to do things.” 

Harry flung his arm over Louis’s shoulder and pulled him closer, pressing a kiss to his neck. “Don’t worry, you’ll tell her eventually.” 

Louis let out another sigh, catching Harry’s lips with his own, the first proper kiss they shared in days. “She likes you,” he said after a moment, eyes smiling at Harry.  

Harry grinned back, settling against Louis’s shoulder. “I’m glad.”  

*** 

The following morning, Wednesday, Harry stumbled out of bed, his body groaning in protest. He didn’t want to leave his bed, he didn’t want to get up and face another day, everything hurt, and disappearing into the mattress and never returning seemed like a much better idea.  

Yesterday had been a wonderful day, perhaps one of the best days ever. But the spell only lasted while he was with Louis. As soon as he stepped out of his flat last night his phone had gone off in a series of buzzes that he was becoming far too used to.  

One message was from Stephen.  

Four were from Ralph.  

He’d been seeing Ralph more and more frequently since the second attack, about a week ago. Ralph had fastened a metaphoric leash on Harry, and it was only getting tighter and tighter, suffocating him, slowly killing him.  

He couldn’t get out of Ralph’s stronghold, he couldn’t get out if he tried. Because Ralph was manipulative, Ralph knew just how to get under Harry’s skin, he knew just how to bend Harry to make sure he’d keep coming back.  

Harry hated Ralph. He hated everything the man did to him. But he put up with it, he put up with the abuse the way he always had.  

But it wore Harry down. It wore him down to the point where everything hurt, his heart felt heavy, and his bones sore, and his head tired.  

There was only one person who could take all the pain away, and that was Louis, but the realization in it self, that Louis was his savior, made everything hurt ten times more. Ralph was psychotic. Ralph was brutal and angry, and Harry knew he was putting Louis in danger just knowing him. Everyone Harry knew was in danger, because one missed appointment, one day of forgetting, one day of not seeing a text, could be the thing that sent Ralph over the edge.  

Harry had always been selfless, ever since he was little, everyone else mattered more. He was nothing, he meant nothing, and so he put up with the abuses life threw at him, if it meant keeping the people he cared about safe.  

His muscles protested as he shuffled around his flat getting ready. He had to go down to Louis’s and watch the girls while Louis went to work. It was honestly getting so hard, pretending. Louis wanted him to be happy, he wanted to see him smile, and laugh, he wanted them to be a couple and do all sorts of couple-y things like Liam and Dani or Niall and Zayn. And Harry was trying, he was trying so hard. He needed Louis, he needed Louis’s kisses and tender touches to prove that he was still wanted. He needed their soft, gentle love making to prove that their sex wasn’t meaningless. And Louis gave him all these things, Louis gave him everything, but Harry was the one with the problem. Harry was the one that couldn’t express how much Louis meant to him.  

Lately he’d been trying harder, going out of his way to be equally as gentle, trying harder to be what Louis wanted, what Louis  _deserved_.  

But all his efforts took a toll on him, the lies, tip toeing around what was really going on in his life, tip toeing around the truth about who was beating him up almost every night, whether physically or verbally, all the secrets were weighing Harry down.  

Harry pulled a shirt over his battered chest, bruises that Louis had yet to see, and slipped out the front door. He padded through the silent Lego House, everyone already gone, off to face the new day. He took the bus to Louis’s, since his body hurt too much to walk the long distance, and then found himself standing in front of Louis’s door, staring at the shiny gold number plate. He took a deep breath, bracing himself. Once inside he’d have to go back to pretending, pretending to be _happy_. Well, maybe it wasn’t all pretend. The girls  _did_  make him happy, happier than he’d felt in a long time. And Louis made him happy too, but Louis also brought on waves of guilt, for keeping secrets, and a whole other kind of hurt, for caring about him deeply. But inside that flat would also be plenty of distractions, plenty of things to keep his mind busy.  

“You just gonna stand out here, or…?”  

Harry started, swallowing hard, and spinning around to find himself face to face with Liam.  

“Liam!” Harry yelped, “Hey, uh…what’re you doing down here?”  

“Came to see the girls,” Liam said gesturing towards the door. “Niall’s coming down in a bit too. We figured we’d stay with you guys while Louis’s out,” Liam explained.  

Harry nodded his head, “Oh good, that’s great, yeah.”  

Liam nodded his head slowly, eyes shifting from the door back to Harry. “So…why were you just standing out here?”  

“Got lost in my head for a second,” Harry shrugged carelessly, for once it wasn’t a lie.  

Liam clapped his hand on Harry’s back, “I gottcha, happens to me all the time.”  

_No_ , Harry thought to himself,  _not like this, it doesn’t._  Then Liam reached over and tapped on the door. “Louis, it’s your favorite best friend!” Liam sang, just before the door was being ripped open and a frazzled Louis met them, eyes wide, and quite a lot of screaming coming from inside.  

“They’ve gone mental,” he squeaked. 

***

The girls (correction: the twins) eventually settled down with the help of Harry, Liam, and Niall. Louis left reluctantly, apologizing in advance for his unruly sisters, but they shooed him off and told him they’d take care of everything. Liam, being the responsible one, made sure they all packed their bags so that they would be ready when Jay came around later that night to pick them up. Niall and Harry fixed them lunch, and by noon the seven of them settled down in the living room to watch movies. It was some film Harry had never seen before, involving princesses and romance and drama. Niall said he’d seen in three times with Zayn, and Liam had seen it once before with a cousin. Either way, they all got into the movie, and Harry found himself bored and, once again, lost in his head.  

He ached for Louis. It had been five days now since they last had sex, or properly cuddled, or done  _anything_. He needed Louis to hold him, he needed Louis to take away the pain he felt inside. He needed Louis to make him believe that he was worth something.  

But even still, it was all too much now. He doubted even Louis could take away the pain he felt inside. His mind replayed the scene over and over again, always the same scene, day after day putting up with the same thing, being violently mistreated, thrown down against the floor, stripped and beaten. And then of course fucked.  

Harry shook himself, trying to focus on the movie, trying to stay in the present and out of his head.  

Niall shot him a funny look, but Harry tried to act normal, his fingers clenched around his forearm, nails digging into his skin as he tried to get a grip on himself. And suddenly, a small wave of relief washed over him. Just a little pinch of pain, pain he could control. Harry swallowed hard, eyes staring blankly at the television screen.  

Just a little bit deeper. 

But no. Harry stopped himself, his chest rising and falling quickly as he looked around the room. No one had noticed him, everyone was still captivated by the TV. Harry’s eyes began to sting, his head was spinning with the words he’d locked away.  _Worthless. Stupid. Dirty whore. Unloved. Unwanted. Nobody. Nothing._  

“Guess who’s  _home_?” Louis’s voice cut through all the other voices in his head, and Harry whipped his head around to find Louis coming in through the front door.  _Louis_. Relief.  

He was wanted by Louis. He was someone to Louis.  

_No you’re not_ , spat a bitter voice in the back of Harry’s head.  _He’ll get sick of you, you’ll see. You’re too messed up. You can’t even admit that you care for him. Why would he want a fuck up like you?_  

His chest hurt, it felt heavy, like there was a crushing weight on top of him. It hurt to breath. He wished he could just stop. Each breath keeping him there, each breath that pumped his heart, he just wanted to stop inhaling, he wanted to stop the pumping, he wanted to stop exhaling.  

Harry watched as if from very far away as the twins jumped up on Louis, and as Lottie pulled her brother out the front door and into the hallway. Liam and Niall carried the twins back to the living room, and Harry felt himself curling up on the sofa, mumbling something about being tired, before his eyes shut, and his mind stopped thinking, and he slipped away into a quiet sleep.  

***

“We need to talk,” Lottie said simply, pulling on Louis’s wrist and tugging him out into the hallway.  

_Finally_ , Louis thought to himself, relief washing over him. They shut the door and Louis turned to face his sister, ready to find out what had been bothering her all this time. “What’s up?”  

Lottie’s face scrunched up a little, the way it would before she cried, and Louis found himself instantly in big brother mode, reaching out to comfort her. She flinched away from his touch however, and instead stuffed a handful of pamphlets into his palm. 

“Rehab?” she questioned in a shaky voice.  

Louis glanced down at the pamphlets,  _his_  pamphlets from when he’d started his rehab.  

“You went through my stuff?” he asked, defensively. That wasn’t what he’d wanted to say, but it came out anyway.  

Lottie scoffed. “Hardly, they were on your dresser.”  

Louis mentally kicked himself for not putting them away. He sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. “Yeah, rehab,” he said wearily. This was not a conversation he wanted to be having with his thirteen year old sister.  

“So that’s why you were such a wanker to mum on Christmas. You were on drugs,” Lottie said folding her arms.  

“I wasn’t high on Christmas,” Louis corrected. “I was  _drunk_  on Christmas. But yeah, I got into drugs, and it got bad.”  

“And Harry’s your boyfriend and he’s a prostitute.”  

Louis nearly choked at her words, eyes bugging out. “ _What?_ ”  

“I heard you two talking last night. And then I heard you guys kiss,” Lottie explained. “And its also kind of obvious,” Lottie added. “I mean you guys are constantly giving each other heart eyes. And yesterday at the park? You guys looked like you wanted to jump––”  

Louis held up a hand. “Alright, alright.”  

Lottie smirked. “So I’m right?”  

Louis tilted his head from side to side before nodding once. “Yeah. About everything.”  

“I’m gonna tell mum,” Lottie said, staring Louis down. “I gonna tell her everything.” 

Louis’s felt his jaw drop. “What? No––why? Please. Let me tell her.” 

And then Lottie lost it. Hot tears rolled down her cheeks as she started screaming at her brother. “You ruined everything! You ruined Christmas, and you messed mum up! Do you know what it was like at home for months after you walked out on us? She cried all the time!” Lottie’s face was red with anger as she went on, spitting out everything she had been keeping in. “I had to take care of the twins! I never left the house. I’m bloody thirteen. Fizzy barely talks anymore, she’s traumatized from seeing mum depressed! And its all your bloody fault! I hate you.” But she found herself falling into her brothers arms, letting him hold her, and he knew she didn’t mean what she said, and he held her and let her cry it all out.  

After a while her sobs subsided, and it grew quite. “I’m really sorry,” Louis whispered. “I’m so, so, so sorry, Lottie. For everything.”  

Lottie pulled away, wiping her eyes, and fixing her hair, which had stuck to her face. “I––I know. I just––I missed you too, you know.”  

Her lips began to tremble again, and Louis pulled her into a big hug. “I missed you guys too. I missed you all so much. I––I promise from now on to come visit more.”  

Lottie smiled softly, pulling away once again. “Good.”  

***

When Louis and Lottie returned inside, Louis found that Harry had fallen asleep on the sofa.  

“He looked real tired,” Niall said, as he carried Daisy on his back and into the kitchen. 

“He looked a bit ill,” Daisy added. 

“Yeah, he looked like Lottie did when she had the tummy bug,” Phoebe said as Liam carried her into the kitchen too. 

Louis sighed. “He probably got no sleep last night,” he said, giving Liam and Niall a knowing look.  

They all fixed a quick dinner just before Jay came. She bustled into the flat, ready to pick up the girls. This was it, Louis had to corner her now, and tell her…everything. 

“Mum,” he said quietly approaching.  

She spun around to face him, realization suddenly dawning on her. “Oh right! You’ve been wanting to chat.”  

Louis bit his lip and nodded slowly. “Yeah. I have…a lot I need to tell you.”  

A brief flash of worry crossed her face, before she nodded, taking her son in her arms. “Alright, baby. Here, let’s go outside.”  

Louis followed his mum into the hall, ready to spill everything out in a hurry as his mum needed to be leaving soon. But instead, Jay continued walking down the corridor. “Come on,” Jay said, nodding her head towards the lift. “There’s this little ice cream shop on the corner, we can chat over a snack.”  

Louis couldn’t help but smile, his mum truly was the best.  

Once they were settled down at a little table with their ice creams, Louis turned to his mum, ready to begin. To be honest he didn’t really know how to start. After all these days of worrying and practicing what he was going to say in his head, suddenly he could not manage to form the words. He sputtered for a few moments, unsuccessfully attempting to speak, before his mother placed her hand over his, squeezing it reassuringly. “It’s alright, baby, I’m here, I’ll listen to anything you have to say.”  

Louis nodded, taking a few deep breaths and cleared his throat. “Okay, okay,” he said softly, coaching himself through his minor freakout. “I––” might as well just jump right into it, he figured. “I dropped out of Uni. Two weeks after Christmas,” he breathed, quickly glancing up to meet his mother’s eyes.  

She nodded, once again squeezing his hand gently. “Okay.”  

Louis took another deep breath, diverting his eyes down to the table as he forced the next bit out. “I dropped out because I––I was––I messed up,” he croaked, looking back up at his mum, eyes beginning to water.  

“Oh baby,” Jay breathed, squeezing tighter. “It’s okay, it’s okay. We all make mistakes, it’s okay.”  

“No but––” Louis wiped his eyes quickly with the back of his hand. “I messed up bad.” And then it all just came pouring out of him, the drugs and alcohol, the nights at Paradise, the debts he’d accumulated, and then the night he nearly overdosed, and Liam found him, bringing him home and taking care of him.  

“And then the night after that––” Louis paused for a moment, remembering it. February. In the alley. The night he met Harry. “The next night I met Harry.”  

And then he told her all about that. He told her all about Harry. He told her everything. The good and the bad, but mostly the good. He told her how happy Harry made him, how much Harry meant to him. He told her about all the people at Lego House, about how full of life the place was. Everything. And in a way it was a little ironic, sitting there, mother and son, sharing an ice cream, such a childlike scene, and yet they were discussing some very adult things.  

Jay listened to everything Louis had to say, and when he was finished, many stutters and tears later, she embraced him in her arms and held him until he felt alright again.  

They mended everything down in that ice cream shop, all was forgiven from Christmas, everything was put in the past, and they left the shop look forward to a much brighter future. Looking forward to happier days.  

When they returned to the flat, Harry was awake, sitting on the couch with Fizzy while Lottie, Liam, and Niall chased Phoebe and Daisy around the room.  

“You lot ready?” Jay called, getting the girls’ attention.  

“Aw mummy, do we  _have_  to go?” Daisy whined.  

“Yes, yes,” Jay sighed. “Don’t worry, we’ll come up and visit Lou again soon,” she said, shooting Louis a smile.  

“ _Fine_ ,” the twins huffed, marching off to collect their bags.  

“Well,” Liam said clapping his hands together, “we best be going too.”  

Niall and Liam quickly said their goodbyes to Jay and the girls. “See you soon!” Niall exclaimed, disappearing out the door with a big, sweeping wave.  

Lottie, Fizzy, Daisy, and Phoebe all gathered by the door with their bags, ready to go. Harry got to his feet to say goodbye to them.  

“You can come to the station with us,” Louis said as Harry began hugging the twins. “I’m gonna go take them down.”  

Harry shifted a little, shrugging his shoulders. “I––uh, thanks, but I think I’m just going to um, stay here. I’m a little tired and not really feeling too well.”  

Louis’s brows crinkled in concern. “Yeah? What’s the matter, are you feeling ill?”  

“ _They’re so cute_ ,” Daisy whispered loudly to Phoebe.  

Everyone erupted in laughter, and then Louis turned to Harry, smiling. “Yeah Lottie knows, and I told mum.”  

“Lottie knows what? What do you know Lottie?” Phoebe whined, tugging on Lottie’s arm. 

“That they’re together. Like boyfriends,” Lottie replied.  

“Oh,” the twins said together. “But we already knew that!”  

Louis laughed, “Oh really?” 

They nodded their heads. “Yup, the other day Harry leaned in to give you a kissy but then you guys stopped but we could tell you still wanted to.”  

Louis and Harry both exchanged looks before chuckling. When their laughter subsided, Louis caught sight of the clock. “Well, we better get going.” Jay opened the door, and Louis quickly turned to Harry one more time. “You sure you don’t want to come?”  

Harry shook his head a little, “No, its okay. You go on. I’m just going to have a little rest.”  

“Alright,” Louis said, but his eyes were reluctant to leave him. Something just felt…off. Louis couldn’t quite place it, it was a little bout of worry that began creeping up in the back of his mind. But everything had been good lately. Harry had been happy lately. There was no need to be worrying, Louis reminded himself. Harry was just tired, that was all.  

Pushing down the pesky, worrisome voice in his head, Louis departed with his family, leaving Harry to rest in his flat.  

*** 

As soon as the flat door fell shut, Harry let out a long, shaky breath. He needed to get a grip on himself, he was going to make Louis start to worry again if he didn’t start trying harder.  

Harry was glad that the twins had interrupted, glad that they had distracted Louis from asking questions.  

Harry slowly walked over to the bathroom, going to the sink and splashing cold water on his face. And that’s when he lost it. He was alone, and all at once all the thoughts cramped in the back of his head came rushing forward in a relentless onslaught.  

And a part of him wanted Louis to be there to hold him and let him cry away his pain. He wanted Louis to be there so that he could tell him everything. He wanted someone to talk to, he wanted someone to tell. But he couldn’t, he couldn’t tell Louis anything, because Louis would try and stop it, Louis would go after Ralph, and Ralph would end up hurting Louis, and Harry could not let that happen.  

Slowly, still looking in the mirror, Harry lifted up his shirt to reveal the rainbow of colors that tainted his skin. Red, black, blue, yellow, green.  

Harry let his fingers trace over the bumps and bruises, his mind feeding him the memory attached to each one. Worthless.  _Smack_. Unwanted.  _Kick_. Nobody.  _Kick_. Unloved.  _Punch_.  

_Kick. Punch. Kick. Punch. Kick. Punch. Punch. Punch._   

“STOP!” Harry cried, fists clenching around his hair, as he held his head between his knees, trying to stop the voices echoing in his head.  

But the voice didn’t stop. It kept chanting, louder and louder.  _Worthless dirty whore. Undeserving of love. Unwanted. Nobody._  

Harry tried to counter the voice muttering how he  _was_  wanted, wanted by Louis. But the voices in his head only protested ten times louder. Repeating the same string of words, and drowning out Harry’s tiny positive thoughts, until eventually, Harry gave up, and started believing the words the voices told him. 

Not even Louis was enough to drown out this pain. It rattled inside Harry, coursing through his veins like poison.  

He opened his eyes and found himself on the bathroom floor. He couldn’t remember sinking down, but he was sat there, wedged between the bathtub and the sink. His shirt was off, and his battered body exposed, and then his eyes lowered to the inside of his bicep, where three faded white lines jumped out at him. They were the result of Ralph’s first attack back in March. They, unlike the other markings on Harry’s body, were of his own doing. Harry had carved the three little cuts into his arm the day after he had returned home. It had happened in a whirlwind of emotions, when the events of what had happened had finally hit him. It had been so easy, so simple. Louis never noticed, the three little cuts had gotten lost in the array of markings on his body, and at the time, in the moment, the cuts had felt good. Harry had felt some sort of power, knowing he was the one who put them there.  

But ever since that first time, Harry had barely a moment to himself to do it again. After the first attack everyone hovered over Harry, Louis especially. Then Ralph had disappeared for a while, and the itch to do it again subsided.  

But now, now the voices were egging him on. The voices wanted him to do it again.  _He_  wanted to do it again. He wanted to feel…something. Anything.  

Before Harry realized what he was doing, he was holding a tiny little razor blade, taken from the razor in Louis’s shower.  

His mind continued to chant the awful (but true, the voices chimed) words. And then he did it, with one quick flick of the wrist, a fourth little line adding to the tally on his arm.  

It was when the blood began to flow out of the cut that Harry began to cry, full out, and hard. He cried for everything, everything that he had kept locked up inside the past weekend…or perhaps longer than that. Yes, much longer….This pain ran deeper, farther back than anyone could understand.  

His brain was screaming, all the voices overlapping. The taunting voices and then his true voice, his much smaller voice, the one that wanted to get out of this mess, the one that wanted to tell Louis, the one that wanted Louis to save him. Slowly, little bits of him were letting go, reaching blindly for Louis, and crumbling when he failed to grab onto him. He knew this path, he knew where this would all lead. The road was familiar, he’d been down it before, the hurt, the pain, the torture, turmoil inside his head. His sister had saved him the first time. But now the only savior in sight was the boy he couldn’t bear to burden with his troubles.  

He didn’t want to be a fuck up. He didn’t want to have to make Louis save him. Louis didn’t deserve to have such a shitty boyfriend. Louis deserved better, so much better. And yet Harry couldn’t leave him. Harry couldn’t even do that. He really was useless, he thought with a shuddering sob.  

Suddenly, Harry was pulled from his thoughts as his phone began to buzz in his pocket. He fished it out desperately, and read a message from Louis.  

_Just ran into Zayn and Niall at Nandos. Getting a bite to eat, you’re welcome to join, if you’re not to tired. Xxxx_  

Harry gently closed his phone and let it rest on the cold, tiled floor. He felt numb all over. His arm was sticky from the blood, and his eyes were puffy and his face tearstained. A small part of Harry had wished Louis would come home and find him like this, forcing Harry to explain everything, making sure Harry got help. 

But Louis wasn’t coming home. Louis was going out with friends, out to eat. Louis’s life kept going, Louis’s life was moving forward, and Harry’s was standing still. Harry’s was slipping away from him.


	10. No Luck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains triggering material involving self harm and depression.

“Harry?  _Harry?”_   

Harry sat on the sofa of his flat, snapping his head up suddenly to face Zayn who was standing a few feet away near the kitchen.  

“ _Dude_ ,” Zayn said shooting him a ‘what the fuck is up with you’ look.  

Harry shook himself, clearing his throat. “Sorry I just zoned out for a sec, what’s up?”  

“Rent’s due today,” Zayn said casually, reaching into the refrigerator and popping open a carton of orange juice.  

“Shit,” Harry breathed through clenched teeth.  

“What?” Zayn asked before downing the remainder of the juice in one big gulp. “Shit don’t tell me you don’t have your part of the rent….”  

“Fuck, Zayn, I’m sorry, I––”  

Zayn tossed the carton into the trash before running a hand over his face. “Come on, Harry, really now? You’ve been working almost every fucking night for the past two weeks, are you seriously telling me you have  _no_  money to pitch in for the rent?”  

Harry sputtered, grappling for something to tell Zayn, anything. “I––I spent it all with Lou, when––when his sisters were here.”  

“Bullshit, that was almost a week ago and I  _know_  you’ve been working non-stop, more than usual, cos Niall’s been over every night you’ve been out. What the fuck are you  _doing_ , Harry?” 

“N-nothing, just, fuck, it’s not like you even  _need_  my money. You can pay for the whole rent on this shithole with your pornstar salary!” Harry spat in frustration.  

Zayn folded his arms. “That’s not the point. I couldn’t fucking care less about the money. What I want to know is what the hell is going on with  _you_.”   

Harry got to his feet, eyes dead set, “There’s nothing going on with me, okay. I’m working more because I want to. I like sex, remember? I’m a  _whore_ , remember?” 

“Harry––” 

“Just leave me alone, okay!” Harry said stalking out the front door, letting it hang open in his wake. 

Harry jammed his hands in his pockets and began walking down the three flights of stairs to the ground floor.  

“Harry!”  

“Hey, Cher,” Harry greeted fleetingly, passing her by on the staircase. 

“No, come back, I need to speak to you!”  

Harry sighed heavily, turning back and jogging up a few steps to where Cher stood. “What’s up?” he asked wearily, trying his best to keep his tone level.  

“Dani’s having a get together tomorrow night, she told me to go invite you and Zayn, and of course Louis and Niall too but, anyways it’ll be good fun, everyone’s invited, and you seem like you could use some fun,” Cher reached over and pressed her index fingers on the corners of Harry’s mouth. “Smile, Harry. You look beau’iful when you smile,” she said twisting her fingers upward and pulling a smile onto Harry’s face.  

Harry found himself chuckling and smiling for Cher. Her eyes lit up at the sight and she smiled back. “So will you come?”  

Harry nodded. “Sure, I’ll go tell Louis now.”  

Cher clapped her hands together. “Splendid!” she cried happily, before disappearing up the stairs humming a funny little tune. 

Harry continued down the stairs and then out the front door. It was hot outside and blinding bright. Harry began walking quickly in the blistering heat, anxious to get to Louis’s.  

Harry hadn’t meant to blow up on Zayn, but it was becoming too much, and all of Zayn’s questions were riling Harry up. There was only so much lying and deceiving he could do before it all caught up to him. If anyone was going to find out what was really going on, it would be Zayn, and the fact that Zayn was already suspicious scared the shit out of him.  

When he got to Louis’s he pulled himself together, smiling brightly as he slipped a key into the door.  

Harry was still hesitant about using the key, despite the fact that Louis had given it to him over a week ago, just after the girls had gone back home. Louis  _insisted_  on Harry using it whenever, and had kicked himself for not giving Harry a key to his place sooner. Harry would have reciprocated the gesture, except for the fact that keys were never needed at Lego House. The front door was almost always unlocked, and if it wasn’t a someone was always awake to let people in.  

And so Harry found himself nervously slipping the key into the door for the second time since he’d been given it, slowly twisting it and pushing the door open.  

Inside the TV was on, the volume up to full blast, Louis and Liam sat on the sofa laughing loudly at something on the telly. Neither boy heard Harry enter and it wasn’t until he was standing right beside the sofa that they tore their eyes away from the television.  

“Harry!” Louis exclaimed, jumping off the sofa and tackling Harry is a tight hug and quickly stealing a kiss. 

Harry smiled ever so slightly at the warm greeting, feeling twinges of happiness shoot through his body. They were small pleasures that Harry greatly treasured these days.  

“Hey,” he said softly as they both pulled away, Louis’s arms still tangled around Harry’s waist.  

“What’s up?” Louis asked, walking them back to the sofa while still hugging each other.  

Harry shrugged, “Nothing much, just wanted to see you.” Harry swallowed tightly, letting his head rest against Louis’s shoulder as they sat down. Subconsciously he buried himself deeper into Louis’s side, taking comfort in his warmth.  

Louis smiled down at his boyfriend and rested his chin atop Harry’s head. “Well I’m glad you’re here now.”  

“Do you want me to go…?” Liam asked awkwardly from the other side of the sofa.  

“Oh no, you don’t have––” Harry began.  

“Yes,” Louis interrupted.  

Liam rolled his eyes and Harry playfully smacked Louis’s chest, a goofy little grin spreading across his face.  

Liam didn’t need to be told twice, departing through the door a few moments later.  

“Now I have you all to myself,” Louis whispered seductively, catching Harry’s lips.  

Just as Louis was about to deepen the kiss Harry pulled away, just remembering one of the reason’s he’d come over. Louis protested with a whine as Harry pulled away but Harry shushed him pressing his index finger against Louis’s lips. “I just remembered, Dani’s invited us for dinner tomorrow night, one of her big dinner parties, you in?” 

Louis smiled and nodded quickly before pecking Harry’s lips. “Of course.” Then they resumed their kissing, which eventually found them sprawled across the living room floor naked and panting for breath.  

Harry curled into Louis’s side afterward, the only place in the world that he felt completely safe.  

***

The following day passed by in a flash, and before they knew it evening had crept up on them, and the couple found themselves strutting over the threshold into the Payzer-Calder residence and joining their friends who were already gathered inside. Danielle was busy in the kitchen, Liam hovering over her, helping her fix dinner. She called over the breakfast bar to the newest arrivals in a cheerful hello.  

Louis and Harry untangled their fingers, and Louis skipped over to the breakfast bar, leaning his head into the kitchen. “Mind handing me a drink,” Louis said to Liam, nodding his head towards the refrigerator.  

Liam rolled his eyes and detached himself from Danielle’s side, strolling over to the fridge. He bent down, rummaging around for a few seconds, before emerging with two water bottles.  

“Water,  _really_  now?” Louis tsked, raising a brow.  

Liam shoved the bottles across the counter and into Louis’s hands with a heavy sigh. “ _You’re_  not supposed to drink,” he reminded. “Now if  _Harry_  would like an alcoholic beverage I’d be  _happy_  to get him one.”  

Louis rolled his eyes but accepted the water, twisting the cap off and taking a sip while carrying the second bottle over to Harry. “Here,” he said softly, nuzzling into Harry’s side as he sat down. “If you want something else you’ll have to ask Liam yourself because he seems to not trust me with alcohol the twat,” Louis smirked, shaking his head slightly.  

Harry chuckled and took a sip of his own water. “No, it’s fine, I’m good with this.” 

The two settled into the sofa, listening to the conversation between Josh, Sandy, and Matt, when the front door busted open and a loud whooping sounded through the flat. Everyone turned to find Zayn and Niall parading through the door, arms wrapped around each other as they carried an assortment of beverages.  

“Ziall has arrived!” they exclaimed together, earning general eyes rolls from everyone else.  

“Would you quit calling yourselves that,” Eleanor groaned from where she sat curled up in her armchair. “It’s weird.” 

Zayn made a face at her, crinkling his nose and sticking out his tongue, mockingly. “Oh shut it, El, stop being such a downer.”  

Louis bit his lip holding back a laugh as Eleanor turned away, eyes flickering in annoyance. Harry quickly glanced up at Louis, also fighting back a smile. “Someone should get her some coffee,” Harry whispered sarcastically, and that was all it took to throw Louis overboard, both boys erupting into fits of laughter.  

The other’s didn’t pay the two boys much attention, returning to their previous conversation, and Niall and Zayn crossed the room entering into the kitchen and handing over their drinks to Liam. Louis and Harry’s laughter subsided a few moments later, and then they joined the group conversation, everyone chatting idly until dinner was ready.  

Harry tried to stay in the present, he tried to keep his mind on the conversation, he tried not to think too much. But Sandy and Josh were doing most of the talking at this point, and side conversations were breaking out, Zayn talking Matt, Cher talking to Rebecca and Eleanor, Niall turning to speak to Louis. Everyone else was talking, and he just sat, listening but not listening. Mumbling words in reply but not knowing what he was replying to, slowly recoiling inside himself, inside his head. The grip on his water bottle tightened, and he shut his eyes for a fraction of a second, taking a deep breath, willing himself to relax.  

He was vaguely aware of the itch creeping up his arm, it was crawling up, digging under his skin and right into his veins, pumping through and straight to his heart, piercing him like venom. He blinked rapidly, breathing in and out quickly, pleading with his head,  _not now, please not now, don’t do this to me now._  

Since the incident last week it had happened two more times, all after particularly horrible nights with Ralph. Harry tried his best not to think about such things during the day, when he was with friends or with Louis, but his head was betraying him now, succumbing him to the thoughts he so desperately kept locked away. He was dangerously close to breaking right then and there, all the horrible thoughts flooding through the mental barrier in his head, when Danielle and Liam called their attention, coming through to the sitting room carrying trays of appetizers. Harry’s head snapped up, swallowing hard, thankful for the distraction as Danielle called for them to start eating.  

“Plates are over on the counter, drinks in the fridge, feel free to help yourselves to anything, you know the rules,” Danielle said waving her hand carelessly and plopping down on one of the armchairs with Liam.  

Harry got to his feet quickly, “I’ll get us plates,” he mumbled to Louis, before stalking off to the kitchen. Niall followed along with Cher, Rebecca, and Josh, all of them grabbing extra plates for the other’s still seated in the living room. Harry lingered behind, taking his time, rummaging around in the fridge for another bottle of water until everyone else had returned to the living room. Once he was alone he exhaled deeply, bracing himself agains the counter, knuckles going white as he held on, squeezing his eyes shut. Flashes of memories broke through the mental block, memories that weren’t even fresh anymore, memories that were years old, memories that Harry ought not to be thinking about. Flashes of a much younger Harry tore their way to the surface, rocking through Harry’s body, shaking him to the core. A younger Harry, in a life that was much different from his current one, yet still familiar. A younger Harry, degraded of his worth. A younger Harry, who never stood a chance.  

He bit a trembling lip, slowly opening his eyes and blinking away tears.  

“Hazza.”  

Harry started at the voice, as arms wrapped around his waist from behind. He let out a shaky breath, eyes fluttering shut for a moment before turning his head to the side to meet Louis.  

“You alright?” Louis asked softly, nuzzling his head into the crook of Harry’s neck.  

Harry swallowed hard before nodding. “Fine,” he choked out with a slight tremor in his voice. 

“You sure?” Louis prompted again, not quite convinced.  

Instantly Harry transformed, his brain reacting,  _try harder, he’s not believing you._   

Harry tugged a smile on his lips, making it look effortless, despite the sheer amount of strength it took to make the simple gesture. “Really,” he said softly, turning fully around in Louis’s arms and stealing his lips in a kiss, sealing off the lie.  

Louis pulled away, satisfied, accepting Harry’s words without further questions. He laced their fingers together and tugged lightly on Harry’s hand. “Come on, Dani’s made some fantastic food! Though I’m sure none of it is as delish as yours,” Louis added with a wink.  

Harry momentarily lost himself in Louis’s eyes, Louis’s infectious smile causing Harry to dimple his cheeks. As Louis lead him back to the other room, he became aware of the smile that graced his own lips. He loved how Louis could still do that to him, still make even the worst moments vanish from his mind for just a little bit. Louis was his guiding light though the rest of the darkness in his life.  

***

Dinner continued on smoothly after that. Everyone chattered and joked, Zayn and Niall fed each other grapes at dessert, Liam got slightly drunk and started kissing Dani’s neck, and Josh and Sandy got  _very_  drunk and nearly put on a strip show for all of them. The night was fun and lighthearted, and Harry’s thoughts from before were left forgotten as he and Louis laughed and tossed money at Sandy and Josh.  

“Come on, show us what you’ve got!” Harry shouted as Louis bounded off the sofa and joined Josh and Sandy.  

“Harry, you think I could be a stripper too?” Louis teased, putting his hand behind his head, striking a pose.  

Harry covered his mouth with the back of his hand, eyes squeezing shut as he let out a barking laugh.  

“Show us what you’ve got, Tomlinson!” Zayn hollered tearing himself away from Niall’s lips.  

“He needs a name!” Danielle exclaimed.  

“Lusty Lou,” Niall suggested.  

Harry chuckled softly and shook his head. “Nah. He’s more of a Tommo the Tease,” he replied, catching Louis’s eye and shooting him a smirk.  

“Ooohoohoo!” Josh and Sandy exclaimed together. “Tommo the Tease. You’re a tease, eh?”  

Louis felt his face grow warmer, but he let out a laugh nonetheless. “Guess so,” he shrugged.  

Danielle untangled herself from Liam’s lap and strolled over to the stereo on the other side of the room. She turned on some club music before dancing her way over to the three boys standing in the middle of the room. “You boys gonna give us a show or what?”  

Josh and Sandy high fived and started grinding their hips together, slowly taking off each other’s shirts. Louis’s eyes widened and he noticeably gulped, eyes flitting over to Harry for help. Harry only shot him an amused look and shook his head slightly, urging him to go on.  

“Jesus,” Louis breathed, squeezing his eyes shut and lifting his shirt off.  

 It had been a long time since he had danced, like club dancing. It had been months since he was last in a club, and even then he had always been drunk or high, the chemicals giving him confidence. But now he was here, in a tiny old living room, surrounded by newfound friends, and he was grinding to some obnoxious club tune with his shirt off…sober. He let out a bubbling laugh at the thought. He would have never imagined he’d find himself in such a scenario. When he opened his eyes he locked them on Harry’s. Harry sat lounged across the sofa, staring up at him through darkened eyes, a smug little grin playing across his lips. The music got louder, and everyone else got to their feet, joining the dance. Everyone but Harry.  

Harry stayed root to his spot on the sofa, beckoning Louis towards him with his eyes.  _Come get me._ Like a fish Louis was reeled in, closer and closer until Harry caught him, hands pressing against his hips and tugging him forward.  

Louis dipped down and caught Harry’s lips, his hands reaching down to where Harry’s were placed on his waist. Louis interlocked his fingers with Harry’s, and then gently tugged on the boy’s hand, pulling Harry to his feet. When they broke apart, Harry’s arms snaked around Louis’s waist, and they slowly began to grind against each other, foreheads pressed together and eyes locked.  

Across the room Danielle was showing off her exotic dancer moves on Liam, Josh and Sandy were practically having sex with clothes on, and Niall and Zayn were recreating a dance number from Grease. Cher twirled around with Rebecca, and Eleanor was dancing with Matt…or more like she was dancing  _around_  Matt.  

But Louis and Harry saw none of this as their eyes were glued to each other with such fierce intensity, almost as if their lives depended on it, like if they looked away from each other they would both simply perish.  

But in a way that was all true, for Harry at least. As they danced Harry kept his eyes locked with Louis’s, their breathing becoming in sync, their bodies moving perfectly as one. Harry’s grip tightened around Louis’s waist, fingers knotting against the hem of Louis’s tousers. It was one of those moments, one of those moments where the whole world seemed to stop spinning, and Harry became very aware of just how much the blue-eyed boy meant to him.  

He could never say the words. He could never tell him how much. But with his eyes he told him. He sent him the simple words he could not bare to utter, green to blue, blue to green, back and forth they communicated, both of them shuddering as each feeling, each emotion coursed through their bodies.  

It was a perfect moment.  

But the world doesn’t stop spinning forever.  

And the moment ended as the harsh reality of life hit Harry. It was just a simple vibration in his pocket. But the sensation struck Harry like lightening, causing him to noticeably flinch, eyes quickly tearing away from Louis’s, and it was almost painful, but he had no time to dwell on the moment they had just shared. The moment was already floating away, out of grasp, leaving them forever as Harry fished out his cell phone.  

Louis kept his hands one Harry’s hips, watching as Harry frantically searched his pockets. When Harry finally produced his mobile, he flipped it open quickly, bringing it to his right ear while his other hand clamped over his left, blocking out the music. “Hello?” he breathed quickly, twisting out of Louis’s arms and heading for the door. Louis lingered behind, the rest of their friends oblivious to Harry slipping out the door and into the hallway.  

On the other side of the door, Harry stood in the deserted hallway of the fourth floor, his back slumped against the wall as a venomous voice spat at him from the other end of the phone. 

_Meet me now. Down by Babylon. Don’t keep me waiting. Bring the money._  

The words repeated over and over in Harry’s head and it seemed like ages before he replied. Harry didn’t want to leave now. He didn’t want to leave the party. He was having fun. He was actually somewhat happy. But most of all, he didn’t want to leave Louis. Not now, not tonight. He didn’t  _feel_  like going to Ralph’s. He didn’t feel like being hit and kicked and abused. He didn’t feel like being told he was worthless. He didn’t feel like coming home later and carving his skin to release the torment in his head. Harry was tired. Harry wanted to say no to Ralph. But he knew that wasn’t an option. He knew there  _was_  no option. And so he stiffly agreed to meet him in ten minutes.  

Harry quietly slipped back into the flat, everyone but Louis still obliviously dancing away. Louis quickly crossed the room at the first sight of Harry, meeting him by the door. 

“Hey, what’s up?” Louis said softly, but Harry could hear the slight panic in his voice.  

He was always worrying, no matter what. Harry sighed, preparing another lie. “I have to go,” he said, and was almost shocked by how low his voice was.  

“What?” Louis asked, pulling back a little. “But…the party….” he stammered, arms falling to his side.  

Louis was fighting to keep a neutral expression, but Harry could see the disappointment. Louis was never good at hiding his feelings. “I’m sorry,” Harry whispered, and he nearly choked on the words before mentally kicking himself and pulling himself together. He couldn’t start crying. He couldn’t start freaking out and breaking down right in front of Louis. He had to stay composed. And he had to give Louis a reason. A good one. He bit his lip, knowing his next lie was going to hurt Louis, but he had to do it. “I forgot I had an appointment with Steven. He’s a bit angry with me right now, but I have to go.”  

Instantly panic flooded Louis’s eyes, an blue sea of panic swishing around, waves crashing over as Louis quickly reached out and gripped Harry’s arm. “No!” he cried. “Please, please don’t go to him!” His broken voice pierced Harry’s insides, twisting and making him feel miserable because he was the one causing Louis pain. 

Harry’s eyes softened, “I have to,” he croaked, choking back a sob.  

“No you don’t,” Louis repeated, shaking his head rapidly. “You don’t have to do this anymore, please!”  

Louis’s voice was rising in hysterics, and Harry glanced over to the party, even the music wasn’t enough to drown them out completely and Danielle was shooting the pair a curious look from across the room. Harry stepped backwards, hand reaching behind him and twisting around the door knob.  

“I have to go,” Harry repeated again, tugging out the door, Louis still attached to his arm.  

“No,” Louis whimpered as the door closed behind them. “He’s going to hurt you.”  

Harry let out a rapid breath, eyes beginning to water. “I’ll be fine,” he said softly. “Promise.”  

“You don’t have to go,” Louis repeated, eyes downcast, but he released his grip on Harry’s arm, and as much as it pained Harry, he quickly turned away from Louis and rushed down the remainder of the hallway to the stairs.  

Louis stood there for about a minute before he decided to follow Harry. What possessed him to do it, he didn’t know. But one minute he was standing there, head downcast and tears free falling to the ground, and the next he was down four flights of stairs and busting through the front door of Lego House, out into the night.  

Harry wasn’t too far ahead, Louis could still see him clearly as he quickly rushed down the sidewalk to his destination, hands jammed in his pockets. Louis followed a good distance away, just incase Harry turned around. But he didn’t. He kept on moving, never turning back once. When Louis saw Harry duck into a familiar alley, Louis realized where Harry was going, Babylon.  

Louis waited a few moments before following into the same alley. He was suddenly hit with an odd sense of de ja vu. There was a car waiting at the end of the alley, the same way it had been waiting for Harry on the night he and Louis met. The streetlight was illuminating the mouth of the alley, and Louis thought back to how the light had blurred around Harry that first night, making him look almost like an angel. But there were no drug dealer in the alleyway tonight. No helpless boy being beat senseless. There was no one for Harry to stop and rescue. And so Harry proceeded to the vehicle.  

But then the de ja vu moment shattered, as Louis noticed the car. It was a  _car_. Black, windows tinted. Louis remembered Steven to have more of a van type of car. Now of course he could have two cars but––something just felt off. Then a man stepped out, and Louis was positive it was not Steven. From what he’d heard about Steven he knew him to be a man in his thirties, tall, muscular, with short brown hair. But the man that stepped out of the car looked nothing like that. He was old, maybe fifty, hair graying, and body out of shape. He began talking to Harry, and then they went out of view for a few moments. When they returned Harry was holding his cheek and silently slipping into the car. Louis had half the mind to go back to Lego House and take Liam or Zayn’s car and follow them, but he knew they’d be long gone before he’d even get to a car. And so he stood there and watched helplessly as the man returned to the drivers seat and ignited the engine, before pulling off the curb and speeding away.  

Louis stood there for a moment, numbed by everything he had just witnessed, and then the world resumed spinning, and the feelings fast forwarded, all jumbling together before crashing down. Part of him was upset from seeing that man hurt Harry. Another part of him was sick to his stomach at the thought of even more pain coming to Harry. Then there was a twisting inside that he didn’t particularly like, the realization that Harry had blatantly lied to him, and that he had done it so easily. Which made him wonder, just how many other lies could Harry have told him, without him knowing? And then something else squirmed in his stomach, something he didn’t like at all, but it was a growing monster, eating away past logic and reason…it was jealousy.  

He shouldn’t have been jealous but suddenly he was. He had never been jealous before, he had always accepted the fact that Harry slept with other men, but those men meant nothing to him. But suddenly, all at once, he was feeling jealous of every man that ever slept with Harry. Jealous that they could mark him up with their lips, jealous that when Harry wasn’t with  _him_  he was with _them_. Louis should have stopped himself from getting so angry, he should have stopped the monster before it got in his head, but he couldn’t. Part of him knew it was stupid, part of him knew that Harry didn’t really enjoy it, part of him knew that he still meant something to Harry. But the monster was betraying those thoughts. The monster had captured his head and was twisting and distorting everything.  

Before he knew it, Louis found himself back on the fourth floor of Lego House, right outside Danielle’s flat. He was hurt, angry, and confused. He didn’t want to feel any of it anymore, he just wanted to drown it all out, numb the feelings just a little.  

Slowly, Louis turned the door knob and slipped back inside. The music had long ago stopped, and everyone was settled around the telly, voices calmly chattering away. They all looked up when the door clicked shut behind Louis, but he wasn’t really paying much attention, his mind was miles away.  

“Where’s Harry?” Danielle asked casually, her voice breaking though Louis’s thoughts.  

“He left,” Louis replied, voice hollow. “Had an appointment,” he added as he reached the sofa.  

Danielle blinked, before slowly nodding. “Oh…okay….”  

Louis directed his eyes towards the television, pretending to focus, as everyone else resumed their conversations. Danielle spared Louis another look, a small bout of worry coursing though her, before quickly turning back to the TV.  

Beside Louis, Liam and Zayn were conversing, Niall draped around Zayn’s shoulders. Louis was only half listening to the conversation, but it seemed Liam was talking about Paradise, the club he worked at.  

“Why would they sell it? That place is prime location, and it always has business!” Zayn exclaimed.  

“I know, that’s what I said. They’re not selling it though, the place is rented out. The guy, Tom, decided he doesn’t want the club anymore and is taking off to Italy or something,” said Liam.  

“Is anyone going to take over the club?” Niall asked pressing his chin on Zayn’s shoulder.  

Liam shrugged. “No idea yet. Tom only just announced that he’s selling the place so I have no idea. It won’t happen for another few months, but then I’ll be out of a job. And that place pays _good_.”  

“How much are they asking?” Zayn wondered, and then Louis stopped listening, eyes tearing away from the television and scanning the room. 

Josh and Sandy were wrapped up in each other’s arms watching TV, which Louis had now finally realized they were all watching The X Factor. Cher was sat on the floor right in front of the telly, her eyes alight as she cheered on the contestants. Rebecca sat right behind Cher, and was busy braiding the other girl’s hair. Matt and Eleanor were sat together in one of the armchairs, neither paying attention to the television, and Danielle sat quietly in her own chair listening to her boyfriend talk. Everyone seemed sufficiently distracted, and so Louis escaped to the kitchen to get himself a bottle of water. 

Only when he got to the refrigerator he found much more than just water. Another clear substance jumped out at him, and he grabbed it before he realized what he was doing. On the counter opposite the refrigerator was a pack of cigarets and a lighter, probably Zayn’s. He took those too, shoving them into his pockets, before quickly slipping out the front door.  

He knew someone was going to follow after him, eventually, but Louis couldn’t be bothered to care at this point. He just need to get his head to  _stop_. He’d been a good boy long enough. There came a point where deep breathing and meditation just wasn’t enough. He need something stronger.  

Louis never knew that you could go up to the roof of Lego House. But he kept climbing the stairs upwards until he found himself opening a door and stepping out into the hot, summer air. He quickly sat himself close to the edge and looked out across the town. He could see the flashing lights of Babylon in the distance, the twinkling of streetlights and cars. He felt so detached from the rest of the world. He looked down at the bottle in his hand, and took a deep breath.  

Then he twisted the cap and tilted his head back, downing a big gulp. 

The liquid burned a path down his throat, fire slithering down and spreading through his insides. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, willing the alcohol to go down.  

It felt good to have some sort of power again, power over the monster in his head. He could numb it now. He could control it.  

He took another gulp, this time it burned less. And then another, and another, and another, until he stopped feeling all together.  

Then he pulled out the cigarets.  

He knew they wouldn’t do much except take away some of the edge, but that was enough. With shaky hands he wedged the cigaret between his lips and brought the lighter up, cupping his hand as he lit the cigaret.  

The first puff of smoke to leave his lips was a tremendous relief. A small part of him cursed himself for enjoying the sensation so much, but as the smoke swirled away, vanishing into the night, it took away some of his hurt and confusion too. An odd sensation of calm was just beginning to wash over as the buzz of the alcohol set in when the door banged open, drawing Louis’s attention.  

He didn’t even bother trying to hide the bottle or the cigaret as his eyes fell on the two figures intruding on his moment of solitude. They were clinging to each other, distracted by their embrace, neither having noticed Louis yet. Louis watched with a detached sort of interest, hand suspended in mid air, still holding his half smoked cigaret.  

When the couple finally untangled themselves after a few more sloppy kisses, they startled at the sight of Louis.  

“Christ!” Sandy yelped, slapping a hand over his heart. “Louis?”  

They approached the boy sitting by the ledge hesitantly.  

“What are you doing up here?” Josh offered when Louis continued to stare at them unresponsively.  

Louis shrugged and brought the cigaret to his lips, taking a long drag.  

“Aren’t you like…not supposed to smoke?” Josh asked again, flopping down beside Louis, Sandy following suit and sitting down next to his boyfriend.  

Louis shrugged again neither Josh nor Sandy pried any further, both boys extracting cigarets of their own.  

“You okay?” Sandy asked after a moment as their smoke swirled together, escaping into the night.  

Louis stared straight ahead, eyes trained on the city lights in the far distance, mind wandering, thinking where Harry was at the moment. Which building? With who? Was he okay? Happy? Hurting?  

Sandy’s question didn’t really register, it couldn’t register, not when there were so many other questions swimming in his head, not when Harry felt so far away from him.  

“Louis?” Sandy prompted after a few moments of silence.  

Louis swallowed hard and turned to Sandy, eyes not totally focused on the boys beside him. “Yeah. Fine.”  

He knew his voice held little to no conviction, but thankfully the other two boys didn’t feel the need to fret over him, and so they quickly fell back into silence, returning to their cigarets and thoughts.  

***

Harry’s body crashed roughly to the floor of the dingy apartment that belonged to the man he despised. Ralph towered over him, face contorted with malice, meaty fists already clenched at his sides.  

“Give me the money.”  

Those were the first words he growled.  

Harry’s eyes widened the way they always did when he was around the horrible man, wide with fright, alert. He quickly jammed his hands into his pockets, ready to produce the money that he had spent the past week working for, the money he had withheld from giving to Zayn to help pay the rent. But when his fingers found nothing but the fabric of his pockets, panic flooded through his veins.  

He’d forgotten the money.  

The realization shattered around him like glass; in the hurry to get away from Louis, Harry had completely forgotten to stop down at his flat to pick up the money. And now he had nothing but empty pockets and a dangerously angry Ralph.  

Harry swallowed, trying hard not to let his panic show. He started at the sound of Ralph’s bellowing voice.  _“Well?”_  

“I–” Harry let out a shaky breath, eyes instantly falling to the ground. “I forgot the money,” he breathed so quickly and quietly he was sure Ralph had missed it.  

The strike he received to the cheek proved that he hadn’t.  

“You  _what_?” Ralph asked, his voice unnaturally calm.  

“I–I…I was in such a rush to leave that I forgot to get the money,” Harry stammered out through shaky breaths, bracing himself for the beating he knew would soon follow, all because of his foolish mistake.  

He wasn’t at all surprised when he felt a hand wrap around his throat, pushing him down to the ground. “No money?” Ralph asked, his hot breath burning like acid against Harry’s ear.  

Harry let out a low whimper, trying hard to breath through his nose.  

“You know what that means, don’t you,  _Harry_?” Ralph cooed the name in a voice that dripped with malice yet was coated with an almost sugary sweet undertone. Harry remained as still as possible, refusing to look at the man, refusing to speak. He knew what it meant. No matter what he did, no matter how hard he tried to please, it always led to the same thing. “Punishment.”  

Ralph stripped Harry of his clothes and turned him around, pressing the boy’s face into floor as he intruded upon his body, preforming ugly deeds that Harry had grown far too accustomed to.  

Harry took all the abuse without a fight. He stayed as quiet as possible, making sure to keep his cries to a minimum; Ralph didn’t like it when he whimpered or protested. When it was all over, Harry remained on the ground in an exhausted heap, waiting for Ralph’s next move.  

“You’re going to get me my money by tomorrow night you filthy whore,” Ralph spat, getting to his feet and quickly connecting his foot with Harry’s ribs. “I’m going to pick you up again tomorrow night and and you’re going to give me my money, no no, an extra three hundred now, for making me wait.”  

An extra two hundred. Where on earth was he going to get that kind of money in less than twenty hours? But Harry said nothing, he would manage somehow. 

“And if you fail me again, then you won’t be the only one to pay,” Ralph snarled.  

At this Harry’s head perked up just a fraction of an inch, his sweat slicked cheek lifting off the sticky floor. Ralph took notice of the movement and instantly let out a cold, booming laugh.  

“That’s right, Harry, those people at the Lego House, your  _friends_ , they’ll be the next ones to pay for your mistakes.”  

Harry’s breathing came out rough, his blood boiling as Ralph threatened the people Harry cared about. He was angry, angry that Ralph would dare lay a hand on any one of Harry’s friends. He wanted to launch himself at Ralph and beat him senseless, but he knew he was no match for the other man. And all at once panic also flooded through his body, a twisting fear that captivated Harry’s being. Ralph knew where he lived. Not just a vague idea, he knew  _exactly_  where he lived. And that begged the question, how much of Harry’s life had this man seen? Had he spent days following the boy? Watching Lego House from afar? Had he seen Harry with Louis?  

_Louis_.  

The one person he couldn’t let this man touch. The one person he cared about more than anything. The one person he would do anything to protect.  _Anything_.  

And so when Ralph reached down and twisted his fingers in Harry’s hair, yanking his head up, asking, “Are we clear?” Harry could do nothing but nod, and let out a strangled “Yes.”  

***

After the scene on the roof, Louis stumbled his way down to Harry’s flat, collapsing in his boyfriend’s bed, not wanting to ask Liam for a ride home and risk the boy taking notice of his drunken state.  

He was well asleep by the time Zayn and Niall stumbled into the flat, and neither boy was aware of Louis’s presence as they hurriedly made their way to Zayn’s bedroom, giggling between sloppy kisses and love bites.  

Louis awoke well before the rest of Lego House’s inhabitants, which didn’t make much sense considering he had gone to bed quite late…or early, depending on how you looked at it. When he rolled awake it was only six in the morning, and he was greeted with a pounding headache and a wave of guilt for what he had done the previous night, as well as a twinge of panic at the fact that Harry was still missing from the picture. He stumbled through the flat, clutching his head and quietly groaning. Once in the kitchen, he helped himself to a glass of water and two pain killers, hoping relief would come soon.  

His natural instinct told him to stay and wait for Harry to come home, but his brain was still muddled and he was in need of a shower and some rest. Staying at Harry’s flat seemed like the proper thing to do, take a shower, and crawl back into bed until the boy in question returned home. But Louis’s brain was muddled, and the only thing that made sense to that hazy brain was to go home.  

And so, Louis crept out of the third floor flat, unbeknownst to Zayn and Niall who were fast asleep. He silently tiptoed down the stairs before quickly, and quietly, slipping out the front door. As he walked to the bus stop, he absentmindedly flipped out his phone, scanning his eyes over the screen for a message he knew he would not find. Nearly seven hours without a word from Harry. Seven hours since he had blatantly lied to Louis. Seven hours that Louis questioned everything––because yes, even in sleep Louis had not escaped the questions that were swarming around in his head.  

If Louis had waited just a half and hour more, he would have seen Harry come in, eyes puffy and bruises blooming all over his body. But instead Louis boarded the city bus at 6:15am, entirely missing Harry’s arrival.  

When Harry did arrive at Lego House, he was expecting a sneaky entrance so that he could quickly tend to his face before questions would arise, but he did not receive such a convenience.  

Zayn and Niall woke up just minutes shy of Louis’s departure, both groggy and unwilling to leave their bed, that is, until Zayn realized that something felt off.  

Niall protested, wrapping his fingers around his boyfriend’s wrist, but Zayn shook him off, pulling on his boxers and disappearing into the next room. Niall soon followed, and the two boys found themselves standing in the doorway of Harry’s room.  

“What are we doing,” Niall whispered after a moment. 

“He’s still not home,” Zayn said in a low voice.  

“He went to work last night,” Niall said, as if to remind the boy.  

“I  _know_  that,” Zayn replied, his voice rising just a bit. He untangled himself from Niall’s arms and stepped inside the room. “But he’s been acting fishy lately, and frankly I’m worried. Sure he’s not one to miss appointments or keep customers waiting…but he has a good string of clients, save for Steven, and he’s always been pretty happy about going to work. But for the past few months…not so much.” Zayn began rummaging around Harry’s dresser, looking for something, anything, that would give him a clue as to what was going on with his friend. “But I think that’s partly because he’s fallen in love with Louis. But there’s still something going on. Something more recent. And the fact that he’s been getting beat up more and more…that’s not something that used to happen a lot to him before. If there’s one thing about Harry I know for sure, is that he’s smart. He knows how to spot the good guys from the bad, and he knows how to avoid the bad. He wouldn’t be going back to a jackass unless––” 

And then he found it. A wad of money tucked away at the back of Harry’s dresser drawer. A  _huge_ wad of money. The kind of money one gives to  _someone else_.  

“Fuck,” Zayn swore under his breath as he withdrew the bundle of money from it’s hiding place.  

Niall’s eyes widened at the sight, profanities flying from his lips. “Holy fucking shit! What the fucking is he doing with that kind of money?” Niall asked incredulously.  

Zayn let out a shaky breath, “I think…he’s got himself a pimp.”  

***

Harry’s feet dragged up the stairs, utterly exhausted from the previous night. Ralph hadn’t kept him for long, but Harry had to make the extra money Ralph wanted, and so that led to being picked up by a string of strangers in order to make it happen. He hadn’t slept yet, save for the half an hour Ralph had knocked him out for, but that hardly counted as sleep.  

When Harry pushed open the door to his flat, he was glad to find it silent. He hoped and prayed Zayn was either still asleep or over at Niall’s as he trudged towards the bathroom, ready to shower and patch up his injuries. But before he could even enter the  tiny, narrow hallway towards the bathroom, Zayn was flying out his bedroom door, Niall scampering behind.  

“Zayn,” Harry started, his voice raw and ragged.  

Zayn stood suspended before Harry, mouth fighting to form words. Instead of producing anything coherent, Zayn simply jutted his hand forward and uttered, “What the fuck?”  

Harry’s reaction time slowed, and his eyes took ages to glance down at Zayn’s hand. He stared at the wad of cash for a few moments before everything clicked. Then his head snapped up quickly, eyes narrowing furiously. “Why the fuck were you going through my stuff?” he snapped, reaching for the money.  

Zayn quickly withdrew his hand and held the money out of reach. “Tell me what the fuck is going on?” Zayn demanded.  

“None of your fucking business,” Harry replied, arm inching upwards to grab the money.  

“Yes, it is my fucking business. Especially when you’re lying, withholding rent, and fucking getting the shit beat out of you!” Zayn spat, gesturing towards Harry’s appearance.  

“I’m sorry about the fucking rent, okay!” Harry shouted, “But as for everything else, it’s really none of your business.”  

Zayn let his arm drop to his side, Harry effectively snatching the wad of cash from his hand. “Yeah well I’m your best fucking mate, I think I have a right to worry a little.”  

Harry’s expression faltered for a moment, and he almost let himself crack, he almost let Zayn help him. Zayn was smart, Harry reasoned in those short, fleeting moments. Zayn had once been a prostitute. Zayn knew how to handle these things, he’d know what to do, despite the fact that the situation with Ralph wasn’t like most situations Zayn could understand, he still would know how to help somehow. Zayn wasn’t Louis. Louis was oblivious and breakable. But Zayn had street smarts, Zayn could handle it all if Harry told him the truth.  

But no. Like Zayn had just said, he was his  _best_  mate. And so Harry was obligated to protect him, keep him away from all the hurt and torment and horrors that he faced daily. 

“Everything’s fine,” Harry breathed, attempting to push past Zayn.  

But Zayn wasn’t Louis. Zayn couldn’t be satisfied with simple words and a smile. Harry couldn’t cut Zayn off with a kiss or distract him with sex. “You have a pimp, don’t you,” Zayn said quietly, eyes trained fiercely on Harry’s.  

Harry knew what Zayn was doing, if Harry looked away Zayn would know he was lying. It was something they used to do a lot in the beginning of their friendship, when both boys were homeless and starving and working every night to make some measly amount of money. It was a trust thing. Look into each other’s eyes, and then try to lie. Impossible.  

But things had changed since the earlier days of their friendship. Zayn didn’t understand just how good Harry was at lying these days.  

Harry stared right back, eyes dead set. “I can assure you, I do not have a pimp,” Harry said smoothly, and his voice held the conviction to back his statement. Zayn’s eyes remained fixed on Harry’s for just a few moments longer, still searching the boy’s green eyes. After finding no hint of a lie in the boy’s eyes, he lowered his gaze, and then nodded towards the wad of cash. “Then why’ve you been hoarding all that money?”  

Harry let himself smile a small smile, and then he fingered the bundle, tracing light patterns across the money. “I was saving it to get something special for Lou,” he said simply, his voice even going a little misty. “I know I shouldn’t’ve been a prick about the rent…just, I’ve been working so much just to save up, and well, I figured you could handle the rent on your own this month….” Harry trailed off and he hopped his lie would suffice.  

A moment later, Zayn’s lips twitched up and he nodded his head slowly. “Yeah, it’s fine. You can make it up next month,” he said softly, before reaching out and embracing Harry in a tight hug. “That still doesn’t explain why you look like shit,” Zayn whispered.  

Harry pulled away and tried for another smile. “My clients have a few kinks,” he said simply, adding a little wink for good measure.  

Zayn found himself chuckling lightly, but accepting Harry’s explanations. He’d normally be skeptical, but Zayn knew how to weed out lies from the truth, he was good at discerning, and Harry seemed to be telling the truth. It was just silly Zayn, getting too paranoid. But it all made sense now. It all made perfect sense. He might’ve questioned things further had the situation been different. But when he factored Harry’s love for Louis it made sense that Harry was a bit unhappy with going to work lately. And Niall served as too much of a distraction for Zayn to give the matter further thought. And so he allowed Harry to disappear into the bathroom, and Niall and Zayn strolled back to their bedroom, locking themselves away for another few hours of sleep.  

Harry on the other hand, tiredly bolted the door to the bathroom, before slumping down to the floor in a broken heap. He felt exhausted, his whole body hurt and the guilt of all the lies he had just told, on top of the lie to Louis from the previous night, were weighing down on him, crushing and suffocating him. It was all building up again, his head spinning with ugly words and terrible images, all taunting him, looking for a release.  

Before he knew it he found himself in the shower, curled up on the floor, water cascading down around him as he brought a shiny new blade to his skin for the fourth time that week. By now he had abandoned the inside of his arm, finding a new place down by his ankles. He couldn’t do it anywhere too noticeable, since he was always naked with Louis, and Louis would notice, and he would question.  

And just the mere thought of Louis, right then in that moment, sent Harry even farther over the edge. The fact that Louis would care, it hurt Harry so much. He had let the boy get attached to him, he had let Louis grow to care for him, and it was the worst thing he could have ever done. He should have ended it so long ago. He should have stayed away, tried harder to resist Louis in the beginning. Because now he was only hurting the blue-eyed boy, hurting him with his actions and lies. But Harry was too selfish to give up the one person that made him still feel worth something.  

Angry slashes crisscrossed against Harry’s skin until he finally set down the blade, drawing his knees up towards his chest and letting out a ragged sob. He wanted Louis to pepper him with kisses right now. He wanted someone to hold him and touch him gently.  

Deciding to go visit Louis, Harry climbed out of the shower, dried himself, and carefully tended to his wounds. He checked the clock on his way out, and found that it was only just eight in the morning. Louis most definitely would not be up yet, and Harry was in fact quite tired, and so he opted for a quick nap before going down to see Louis. 

A quick nap turned into a good eight hours of sleep. Harry’s body needed rest after the long night and all the breakdowns and emotions that followed. When he awoke it was four in the afternoon, and he was dizzy from lack of food. Harry stumbled out of bed and into the kitchen where he found a half eaten box of pizza and a note from Zayn. 

_Figured you’d be hungry. You’re welcome_.  

Harry gratefully took a slice of pizza, munching on it as he dashed around the flat getting ready to go down to Louis’s. He was just slipping on his shoes, when he felt a wave of nausea come up, causing him to gag and dry heave into the wastebasket. Nothing came up, but Harry felt properly ill.  

He wasn’t sick though. It was all in his head, all his own doing. The anxiety of everything was physically making him sick.   

He sat on the floor for a few minutes, or maybe many, many minutes, taking deep breaths to calm himself. _Everything’s going to be okay, everything’s going to be okay._ He repeated the mantra over and over until he found the strength to get back on his feet. He steadied himself and repeated the words again and again.  _You’re fine, Harry. You’re okay. Everything is okay._  

It was five by the time he left Lego House, and nearly six by the time he arrived at Louis’s complex.  _He cares about you, you’re worth something. Everything is fine. Everything will be okay. He’ll make you feel okay_. Harry tapped on the door a few times, having forgotten his key. He waited a few moments before tapping again. When the door finally swung open, he was shocked to see a very wide-eyed and ragged looking Louis.  

Louis stared at Harry, almost in shock, letting out a shaky breath before softly uttering, “ _Harry_.”  

Harry wanted to avoid as many questions as possible, and so he lunged forward, over the threshold, attaching his lips to Louis’s, pushing the two of them farther inside the apartment. Louis squirmed under Harry’s embrace, hands gripping onto Harry’s shoulders in an attempt to pull the boy away. But despite his efforts, Louis found himself kissing back, kissing furiously, angrily, before completely prying himself away.  

“No, stop!” he fumed, jumping backwards as Harry attempted to recapture Louis’s lips. Harry startled for a moment, before shrugging off Louis’s words, and attaching his lips to the boy’s neck, slowly edging them closer to the bedroom. Louis shook his head and pulled Harry away once more. “ _No_ ,” he said firmly.  

Harry stumbled backwards a little bit, eyes sweeping up towards Louis’s in confusion. “What’s wrong?” 

Louis let out a breath as if the wind had been knocked out of him, eyes becoming dark and guarded. “What’s wrong? What’s  _wrong_?” Louis asked, his voice quickly rising. “Oh, I don’t know, how about where the fuck have you been? And what the fuck  _happened_  to you,” Louis added, gesturing at Harry’s appearance.  

Harry stepped back a little, his guard going up as well. “I  _told_  you, I was with Steven last night, and he was a little pissed so things got rough,” Harry explained, his voice steady as he lied.  

Louis stared at Harry for a moment, his expression unreadable, before he scoffed and turned his head to the side. “Bullshit,” he whispered.  

Harry swallowed hard, “What?” he asked, turning his head to catch Louis’s eyes.  

Louis snapped his head back around, eyes ice cold as they locked with Harry’s. “You heard me. Bull. Shit. You weren’t with Steven last night––”  

“Yes I was!” Harry cried. 

“You weren’t with Steven last night because I followed you and I saw you get into  _another_  car, with  _another_  man who  _was not_  Steven.”  

Harry’s expression contorted into one of hurt and confusion. “Y-you followed me? What, don’t you trust me?” he spat.  

Louis smirked, a cold, mirthless laugh rocking through his body. “Give me  _one_  reason why I should trust you right now? You  _lied_  to me about who you were with, and now you won’t even tell me the truth or what happened.”  

Harry’s eyes began to water as Louis withdrew farther and farther away from Harry. “Please,” Harry croaked. “I can’t tell you the truth okay. Just please…please trust me.” He reached out for Louis, his tears now falling freely. “Please, just k-kiss me. Please,” he begged, “I need you. I need this. Please.”  

Everything inside Harry hurt. Seeing Louis angry like this, angry like he’d never seen him before, scared him. All he wanted was Louis to hold him, wrap him up, make him feel loved.  

But Louis was recoiling away from Harry, more bitter words blooming from his lips. “Do you think I’m stupid? Do you think I’m blind? Someone is beating the  _shit_  out of you and you keep going _back_. You keep letting it happen. And you won’t even tell me who. You won’t tell me  _anything_. We’re supposed to be a fucking couple. You’re supposed to trust me, I’m supposed to be the one you go to!” Louis cried in frustration.  

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Louis, please,” Harry sobbed, his voice breaking as Louis built a wall between them. “Please forgive me, I’m so sorry. I  _need_  you, you don’t understand––”  

“You’re right, I don’t understand!” Louis cut in. “Because you won’t explain anything to me. And you know what, I’m getting sick of it. Sick of worrying. Sick of making  _myself_  sick, waiting to hear from you, waiting to see if you’re still fucking  _alive_  every night. I’m not you’re little toy, _Hazza_ ,” Louis said, spitting out the nickname. “I’m not some toy you can just go to when you get sick of playing whore and want to play boyfriend instead. I’m not here for you to use as a distraction from what ever the fuck you’re dealing with either.” 

 Louis watched as his words took root inside Harry’s skull. He watched as Harry recoiled away, fresh tears brimming in his eyes. And instantly he wished he could take back every word. But he couldn’t. And the words hung between them, separating them like an invisible force field where neither boy could cross over.  

Harry crumbled inside as only one word echoed in his mind. One word that Louis had never called him before, but one that he heard all too often.  _Whore_. That was all it took to egg on the voices in his head, and they all laughed, laughed and jeered because, 

_Look now, Louis thinks you’re nothing more than a whore now too._  

_Who loves you now? Certainly not him._  

_He doesn’t care. He hates you now._  

_You lied to him. You hurt him. And now he hates you._  

Louis wanted to reach over and embrace the crying boy and wipe away his tears. He wanted to offer a million apologies and whisper nothing but words of love. But his mind and mouth were not on the same page. His body would not cooperate with his mind. And so instead, he stood there numbly, looking on as the boy in front of him properly shattered. “I think it would be best if you left,” Louis uttered, and it sounded like someone else entirely had spoken. 

Harry didn’t beg or plead anymore. He didn’t say a word. In five short strides he quietly let himself out, and Louis then crumpled into a broken heap on the ground, pulling out a cigaret from the pack he had nicked the previous night.  

***

Harry found himself drunk and roaming the streets of London just a few hours later. His mind was finally numb, but he knew everything was over. Louis was sick of him. Louis didn’t want him anymore. But that was okay. Harry was okay. He was fine. Because it was all over. He had no one and nothing left. It didn’t matter that he was getting beat and abused, because  _he_  didn’t matter. He mattered to no one. It was over. Harry Styles was finished.  

It was nearly eleven in the evening when Harry began approaching his side of town. It was a wonder that he could still walk and had a sense of direction, even after consuming copious amounts of alcohol. But he knew where he was going. Back to Lego House to collapse in bed and––– _wait no! No, no, no, Harry._   

It was a sudden (and delayed) realization that came crashing down. _“I’m going to pick you up again tomorrow night and and you’re going to give me my money….”_ Tomorrow night. It  _was_ tomorrow night. It was tomorrow night and Harry had foolishly forgotten  _again_.  

His fingers fumbled into his pockets in search of his mobile, ready to face a phone full of messages. But there was no mobile in his pockets. There was no mobile in his pockets because his mobile was still up in his flat, left there from the morning.  

Panic flooded through Harry’s body, suddenly shaking him out of his drunken stupor. He quickly rushed down twisting and turning streets until he arrived just up the street from Lego House. But before he could rush towards the building his mind started working properly again, and he immediately took notice of the scene before him. Flashing lights and blaring sirens were the sight Harry was met with as he stood, rooted to his spot at the top of the street. There were shouts and cries in the distance, and smoke, lots of smoke.  

Lego House…was on fire.  

_“That’s right, Harry, those people at the Lego House, your friends, they’ll be the next ones to pay for your mistakes.”_  

Ralph’s words echoed in Harry’s head, before he completely went numb.  

This was all his fault. There was no doubt in Harry’s mind that Ralph had done this. He didn’t even want to go down to the chaotic scene unfolding below. He didn’t want to know who he had hurt through his foolish actions. Harry began to run in the opposite direction, running and running with no destination. All he knew was that he had to end all of this. He couldn’t stay around anymore. Louis didn’t want him anymore, and that was all well and good. But now he had to leave Lego House too, because he was putting them all in danger by sticking around.  

He wouldn’t be responsible for anymore suffering.  

***  
Danielle frantically dialed Louis’s number after nearly ten unsuccessful calls to Harry.  

“Dani he wasn’t inside I swear,” Zayn breathed, placing a firm hand on her shoulder.  

“I’m still going to call Louis anyway––”  

“ _Hello_?”  

“Louis!” Danielle cried. “Louis thank heavens! Please tell me Harry is with you?”  

“I––erm, I’m afraid not. Why? What’s the matter?”  

Danielle let out a shaky breath.  

“Is he with him?” Zayn asked.  

Danielle shook her head rapidly, tears pooling in her eyes.  

“Damn it,” Zayn swore, casting his eyes downwards.  

“ _Danielle?_ ” Louis prompted, his voice coming out a little desperate.  

Danielle bit her lip and braced herself. “Louis, there’s been a fire, at Lego House. We don’t know how it started but––”  

“Shit is everyone okay?” Louis interrupted, his voice cracking. 

“For the most part, yes,” Danielle said quickly. “But Harry seems to be…missing. Zayn swears he wasn’t home when the fire started. But we have no idea where he is. And he won’t pick up his phone and well…we’re worried. Especially after his disappearance last night and Zayn––”  

Zayn’s head snapped up and he waved his arms frantically, telling Danielle to shut up. 

“Er––and Zayn’s just been a little paranoid is all and we were hoping he was with you,” Danielle concluded quickly.  

“He’s not here,” Louis said wearily. “He was but then…he left.”  

“When did he leave?”  

“Erm…around six thirty maybe?”  

“Christ, that was ages ago,” Danielle murmured. “Do you have any idea where he might’ve gone?” 

Louis let out a shaky sigh. “No,” he said quietly. “We kind of…we kind of got into a fight. And he left pretty upset. I don’t know…maybe he went to a pub or something?” Louis offered.  

“Yeah…maybe…”  

“What?” Zayn hissed, putting his ear close to the phone. Danielle swatted him away as Louis began to speak again. 

“I’m gonna go out and look for him, okay?”  

“So are we,” Danielle breathed. “Zayn’s going to pick up Niall and I’m going with Liam. Keep in touch, yeah?”  

“Yeah.” And then Louis hung up, and Danielle jammed her phone into her pocket and wrapped her hand around Zayn’s wrist.  

“We’re going to look for Harry, lets go.”  

***

In the end, Louis ended up taking Liam’s car, because he didn’t have a car of his own, and Liam and Danielle took Niall’s, while Niall and Zayn took Zayn’s. They split up, tackling different locations where Harry might’ve gone. After each location was checked they reported back to the others. Sandy and Josh searched the area close to Lego House, even going up to nearby apartment buildings and asking around for Harry. They all feared Harry might’ve gone to a client’s home, but when Sandy and Josh ran into a bunch of Harry’s clients at Babylon (including Steven) they were all able to cross out that possibility from the list.  

It was well into the early morning when Louis finally realized exactly where Harry would be (or at least where he hoped he would be). He felt almost stupid for not thinking of it before, but as he pulled up against the curb, he prayed with all of his heart that he would find Harry here.  

He walked though the gates and made a mad dash for the triangular area between the bench, the old tree, and the playground. He had to be here, he had to be at the park. His favorite place to go and think, looking up at the nonexistent stars.  

Louis was ready for the disappointment, he was ready for his stomach to drop because surely he couldn’t be so lucky…but no, there he was, sprawled out across the grass, shrouded by the night, nothing more than just an outline in the darkness. But it was him, it was Harry, and he was okay.  

Louis stumbled the remainder of the way until he was standing right at Harry’s feet, and the boy was pushing himself up into sitting position, eye wide and shocked.  

“Harry,” Louis breathed, slumping down to the ground. “Jesus, Harry…You’re okay.”  

Harry blinked at Louis, who’s eyes were shining and bottom lip trembling. “What are you doing here?” Harry croaked, suspended in a state of utter shock.  

“Dani, she called me––the fire…there was a fire, and you were missing and I was so upset––I’m so sorry, everything I said, I was stupid, I didn’t mean any of it––and oh God, we’ve been looking for you all night. And I just––I’m so glad you’re okay,” Louis stammered out quickly, hands reaching for Harry’s.  

“Louis…” Harry began wearily. Because this was all wrong, Louis wasn’t supposed to be here.  

“I know I said some awful,  _awful_  things, and you have every right to hate me, but I was just so upset, so worried, about  _you_.”  

“Louis…” 

“If you don’t want to talk to me that’s fine, but at least go stay with Zayn wherever he’s going to be staying tonight, I just want you safe and––”  

“Louis!” Harry said frantically, pulling his hand out of Louis’s grasp and getting to his feet.  

Louis stood up too, nodding for Harry to speak.  

“I’m leaving,” Harry sighed.  

Louis’s brows crinkled in confusion. “Leaving? Leaving where?”  

“Leaving here. Leaving London,” Harry explained, eyes dropping to the ground.  

In the few minutes since Louis had found Harry, the sky had already begun to lighten as morning approached. “What do you mean leaving London? Where are you going? Why are you leaving?” Louis voice betrayed him, cracking and breaking as sobs threatened to surge forward.  

“I’ve caused too much pain. My life is a mess and I can’t keep letting people in just to make them suffer. I’m leaving in the morning and yeah,” Harry said diverting his eyes.  

Louis shook his head and stumbled forward, gripping Harry’s wrist. “No, you’re not going anywhere.”  

Harry looked back up, eyes glistening. “Please just let me go. It’ll be so much easier.”  

Louis shook his head firmly. “I’m not letting you run away. I––I really––”  

But Harry couldn’t fight it anymore, and he closed the distance between them catching Louis’s lips in a kiss that he’d been desperately craving for all day. 

Just like that the two of them melted into one anther, and it was a passionate kiss, a desperate kiss, a kiss that spoke volumes between them. They communicated through the kiss, until there were no words left to be said.  

They stumbled back to Liam’s car some time later, both boys utterly exhausted from the emotional day they’d been through. They were both looking forward to the luxury of sleep as they drove off towards Louis’s complex. As an after thought, Louis shot both Danielle and Zayn a text saying that he had found Harry and that everything was alright.  

When they arrived home, Harry was literally falling asleep. His mind was still swimming, and alarms were still going off, telling him that this was a bad idea and that Louis would not be safe, especially now. But he was tired, and Louis still cared about him, and that was all that mattered at he moment.  

He stripped himself of his clothes, exposing his battered body to Louis for the first time since the previous night. He noticed Louis’s sharp intake of breath, but he collapsed onto the bed before much could be said. He was asleep by the time Louis crawled into bed beside him, the older boy wrapping his arms around Harry’s thin frame.  

It was then, in those moments before Louis fell asleep that he noticed Harry had left his socks on. He smiled, finding the whole thing silly really, and he inched down to the end of the bed to tug them off Harry’s feet.  

When he did though, he found himself transfixed by a what he saw. He stopped breathing, eyes tracing the lines that crisscrossed like a maze across Harry’s skin. Those were not markings made by another. Those were not scratches or bruises. They were carefully etched lines. Thin little lines, traced with a razor blade. They were Harry’s doing.  

Louis wasn’t aware he was crying until a salty tear dripped down his nose and onto Harry’s skin. Gently, he dipped down and kissed the markings, over and over, not even worried about Harry waking up.  

_“I love you.”_


	11. Open Your Ears//Give Me Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains triggering material involving depression, self harm, and suicide.

After Louis’s tears had died down, he found that he couldn’t sleep. Sure he was exhausted, his body literally aching. He was drained, completely and utterly drained, and yet he could not sleep. Or maybe it was that he would not sleep, he would not allow himself to sleep. He needed to be there to protect Harry. He needed to keep his arms firmly wrapped around the boy, make sure he was warm, make sure he was loved. He couldn’t sleep. He felt sick. He couldn’t sleep. 

He lay awake as the hours ticked away, the sky grew progressively lighter, until rays of sunshine were peaking their way through the blinds. All he could think of, as he lay cocooned around Harry, were those cuts. Angry little line that tainted Harry’s soft, milky white skin. And even though it was stupid, Louis felt somehow responsible for the marks being there. Harry wouldn’t harm himself unless something was hurting him so bad, making him feel so pained and unhappy that he felt broken enough to take it out on himself. But Harry shouldn’t have been feeling that lost, Louis should have done something, he should have made Harry feel happy, he should have taken away the pain. He should have noticed. Harry was unhappy, so very sad, and Louis had failed to notice.  

As the night (or more like morning at this point) progressed, Louis came to notice every marking on Harry’s body. He ran his eyes over each bruise, each scratch, each scar. He noticed four faded tally mark lines on the inside of Harry’s bicep, he’d seen the marks before, never thinking much of them, brushing them off as other markings left by clients. But now Louis understood, they were more marks left by Harry. More marks Louis had failed to notice.  

The irrational guilt of somehow being responsible kept Louis up until he could no longer lie in bed. It was nearly ten in the morning when he finally gave up on attempting to sleep. He pushed the covers off his body and trudged out of his room and into the kitchen to fix some breakfast. He figured Harry would be asleep for a while since he had been so tired the previous night. In a way Louis was glad that Harry wouldn’t be awake for some time, it gave him time to figure out exactly how to confront Harry about his discovery.  

Louis settled down with his tea at the breakfast bar, plugging earphones into his ears as he closed his eyes and slumped back in his seat, letting his mind float away for a bit as he lost himself in the music. 

Distracted by the music he didn’t hear Harry begin to stir in the other room. 

The other boy awoke groggily, slightly disoriented by his surroundings until the memories of the previous night came flooding back. The memories were hazy and jumbled up in his head. He was remembering everything in the wrong order, images flitting in and out of his mind. Getting drunk, the fire, Ralph, his fight with Louis, Zayn’s confrontation. He pressed his palms flat against his temples, eyes squeezing shut as his fingers threaded through his hair and pulled lightly.  _Shhh_ , he told his head before all the thoughts melted away and he was left feeling numb.  

He blinked a few times, squinting as his eyes accidentally glanced at the sun shining in through the half opened blinds. Then he quietly got to his feet and padded over towards the door. It was just as he was about to step out into the hall that he became aware of his feet against the hardwood floor. His very  _bare_  feet. His eyes quickly darted down and his breath hitched in an audible gasp as he took in the sight of his ankles. The scars were raw red against his pale skin and they zigzagged and crisscrossed in angry little patterns. He didn’t remember taking off his socks last night…but to be honest he didn’t even remember riding over to Louis’s. But he couldn’t imagine himself being that careless, no matter what state he was in. And yet his socks were off and his scars exposed and there was no doubt in his mind that Louis had already seen.  

Panic began to flood through Harry’s body as he thought of the questions Louis would ask. He had been so careful, trying so hard to keep everything under control, but now everything was crumbling around him, and his brain was quickly scrambling to think of a story, something to tell Louis to keep him from worrying over Harry.  

He could say it was an accident, that he tripped over something sharp or that he fell on the sidewalk and scratched up his foot. Even as he thought of the stories he discarded them away, realizing just how fake and contrived they sounded. No, his cuts did not look accidental in any way, shape, or form. They were carefully crafted lines, each baring a certain amount of pain, physical reminders of just how much Harry was hurting, little cracks showing through the exterior, fragile little cracks showing that he was breaking.  

Harry took a deep breath, willing himself to calm. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, Harry thought. Harry thought back to the fight they’d had. Maybe Louis would just think Harry had gotten upset over the fight and had cut himself then. As much as Harry hated to think of Louis blaming himself, it was easier than admitting the truth of all his pain and suffering. He braced himself one last time before stepping out into the hallway and padding over to the kitchen where he found Louis seated at the breakfast bar, eyes closed, listening to his iPod.  

Harry shuffled around unnoticed for a few more moments before Louis’s eyes flew open, and they both froze, eyes locking intensely. In that instant when their eyes connected Harry was sure Louis knew because he could see the brokenness in his blue eyes, which weren’t as bright as usual. He could see the worry, the anguish, and the hurt. He could see the questions, countless, countless questions swimming in his eyes. And he could see tears forming, and if he were paying attention to anything other that Louis’s eyes he would have noticed that his own eyes were tearing up too.  

They stood there suspended in the moment, held by each other’s gazes. Harry barely registered when Louis got to his feet, eyes still locked, and walked over to Harry, arms reaching out and pulling him into his chest. Harry stood stock-still as Louis’s arms wrapped tighter around him, fingers twisting to the fabric of his shirt as a shaky breath escaped the older boy’s lips. Louis buried his face into the crook of Harry’s neck and Harry slowly brought his hands up to Louis’s back, numbly holding on as Louis cried into his shoulder. Distantly he thought that he should be the one crying, but for once he didn’t break. He remained completely void of emotion, even his tears from just moments previous had vanished, and he just stood there, holding on to Louis because he had no idea what else  _to_  do.  

It was while he was holding on to Louis in that short moment that seemed to last forever, that Harry noticed something felt different, something felt out of place. Louis’s flat felt different. There was something…something that just didn’t feel  _right_.  

His eyes glanced around the flat for anything that seemed out of place, but it wasn’t the flat itself it was…it was the  _smell_. Harry realized quite suddenly that Louis’s flat did not smell like _Louis_. It smelt…well in all honesty it smelt a bit like Zayn. Zayn’s  _cigarets_  to be more specific. This thought was just registering in his brain when Louis suddenly pulled back, face looking up at Harry.  

“Harry,” Louis croaked miserably, eyes all puffy and red and lips trembling slightly.  

He looked down at Louis, and suddenly he lost his numbness, and he felt his chest constricting, because Louis was crying, Louis was looking up at him through sad, bleary eyes and his voice was pleading, and all wanted were some answers, answers he deserved.  

“I’m sorry,” Harry whispered so quietly it was barely a whisper at all.  

“Please tell me what’s wrong,” Louis whimpered, his fingers toying with the curls at the base of Harry’s neck.  

Harry tried to speak but he found that there was a thick lump in his throat. He didn’t have the energy to force out another lie at the moment. And so he just stared down at Louis for a long while in silence, before shaking his head and looking away.  

“Harry, please,” Louis said softly, his voice much steadier now. “I just want to help.”  

“I was just sad,” Harry said quietly, eyes still trained away from Louis, staring through the kitchen door and into the living room.  

“What made you sad?” Louis asked gently, rubbing circles on Harry’s arm.  

“My head,” Harry said without a single thought. He wasn’t really lying, he was actually being as honest as he’d ever been about the situation. It felt good, but he knew he had to stop himself before he said too much. “Just…bad memories that came up at a bad time,” Harry added slowly, and he could feel Louis’s eyes on him, staring intently, taking in his every word. “They overwhelmed me and I didn’t know what to do,” Harry turned his eyes back to Louis, his body shaking as their gazes locked. “It hurt so bad,” Harry croaked, a small sob bubbling to the surface.  

“Oh Harry,” Louis sighed, quickly enveloping the boy in his arms and peppering his neck with kisses, squeezing tight and trying his best to take away the pain. “You could have come to me, you could have talked to me about it. I would have helped. You know I’d do anything for you.” Louis continued breathing words of comfort, holding Harry tight with no intention of letting go.  

Harry held on to Louis, listening to the tumble of words coming from the boy’s lips trying to keep himself together. Trying and failing. He let a few tears slip through, he let his chest rise and fall with a few shaky breaths, he let his arms wrap tightly around Louis, clinging to him, holding him, finding comfort in him. “I’m so sorry,” Harry repeated, voice cracking through broken sobs and tears. “I––I won’t do it again, I promise I won’t,” he shuddered, because he couldn’t bear to hurt Louis like this again. And yet he knew he would never be able to keep such a promise.  

“Just––promise you’ll come to me next time, instead of…you know,” Louis trailed off, glancing down at their feet.  

Harry swallowed hard and found himself nodding his head rapidly. He felt like he was going to be sick. Louis eyes were still trained on his cuts and it was making him sick. He needed to get the attention off himself. He need the conversation to be over. He wordlessly promised whatever Louis was asking for, and then he remembered, “Have you been smoking?” Harry asked quietly, Louis startling slightly as the subject changed.  

“I––uhh––yeah,” Louis sighed in defeat, his hand scratching the back of his neck nervously as his cheeks began to flush. “Fuck I’m sorry, Haz,” he blurted out a moment later. He didn’t feel like lying about anything, considering everything that they’d just been through, so he pushed on. “I drank too. The other night, after you left. I got so upset, I just cracked. I got drunk and took Zayn’s cigarets and went up to the roof. I just––I was so confused. And hurt. I regret it all, I do. And I promise I won’t do it again either. It was just…a moment of weakness.”  

And just like that Harry was hurting all over again. He was  _bad_  for Louis. Not only did he make him constantly worry, but his stupid and foolish actions had caused him to relapse. Even if it was just alcohol and cigarets, it was still chemicals and substances that were too dangerous for Louis.  

“This is all my fault,” Harry said aloud with out even realizing.  

“No, no! Harry, please it’s not, really. I was just being stupid, overreacting. It’s not you’re fault, it’s not,” Louis jumped quickly, his hands reaching for Harry again, muttering words of comfort and reassurance  _again_.  

But it shouldn’t have been again. It shouldn’t have happened in the first place. Louis shouldn’t have to reassure Harry. Harry shouldn’t be so inadequate. The words continued to rush from Louis’s lips and Harry kicked himself mentally. This was all his fault, no matter what Louis said. It was his lies that had lead him here. It was his fucked up life that had gotten in the way, messed everything up.  

“I lied, it is my fault. You were right I wasn’t with Steven. I lied, and I hurt you, and it’s all my _fault_ ,” Harry shuddered and began to back away, hands flying up to his hair, fingers knotting and pulling in frustration.  _Why had he said that? Why was he saying such things? Why were the walls crumbling?_  

“It’s okay,” and Louis’s voice sounded like it was millions of miles away. The flat seemed to blur out of focus, everything was crashing down, the whole picture was breaking, Harry could feel himself slipping away. “I’m not mad anymore, I––I was never really  _mad_. Just confused I suppose. Hurt. But never  _mad_.”  

Harry squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to hold on, to regain control. He felt his back hit the wall, he felt his fingers clench tighter around his hair. “Stop,” he breathed, just as he felt Louis’s shadow fall over him. 

Because no matter what, no matter what Louis said, Harry knew it was all over. He had agreed to come home with Louis the previous night because he was tired and worn out and he had needed Louis. He still needed him, but now that it was bright out and the world was back to spinning, Harry knew that Ralph was still out there. Ralph would still be looking for Harry and his money. Ralph, with his hate and obsession for Harry. Ralph who was twisted and possessive and had not qualms with hurting others. Ralph who would hurt Louis if he ever knew just how much Louis meant to Harry. And so Harry needed to stop it all. Harry needed to tell Louis no. Harry needed to be the one to walk away.  

It was just as Harry opened his eyes to peek out, that a knocking sounded through the apartment. Louis was still frozen in place, arm suspended in the air, ready to reach for Harry. The knocking stopped for a moment, and then picked up again with more force. This time Louis drew his attention away and glanced at the door. Harry stared numbly at the door as well, and Louis turned back to Harry, then to the door, before reluctantly walking away from Harry.  

Harry let out a shaky breath, recoiling into himself as Louis answered the door. From where he stood he couldn’t immediately see who it was, but then he heard familiar voices and allowed himself to properly relax.  

“Is he here?” came Zayn’s voice.  

“Yeah,” Louis said softly, and Harry noticed for the first time just how tired he sounded.  

“We came because we just got some news about the events of last night,” Danielle’s voice said.  

“About the fire?” Louis asked.  

“Yeah. There were apparently a few eye-witnesses.” 

Harry’s ears perked up, and he found himself moving off the wall and out into the living room, where they all stood, still by the open door.  

“Harry,” Zayn smiled, as he caught sight of the boy. 

“They know something about who started the fire?” Harry croaked, ignoring everyone’s eyes.  

“Looks that way,” Danielle said, stepping inside with Zayn as Louis shut the door.  

“Here, let’s sit down,” Louis said, gesturing over to the sofa.  

Danielle and Zayn sat down on the sofa, and Louis and Harry each took one of the arm chairs. Once they were all settled, Danielle resumed her story.  

“There were some eye-witnesses. A few people who were able to accurately describe the man who started the fire. It wasn’t accidental. Someone intentionally started the fire.” 

Harry’s insides squirmed, he knew someone had started the fire.  _Ralph_  had started the fire, that he was sure of. Just another disaster that was all his fault. 

“The police actually have a good lead. They’re out looking for him, and chances are good that they’ll catch him.”  

Harry’s head was spinning because no, this couldn’t be real, this could not be real life. The possibility of Ralph being caught, of Ralph going to prison. It did not seem real. Harry tried not to hope but he found himself hoping.  

“Also, there were minimal damages on the place, despite the extent of the fire. They say it’ll take about two weeks to fix up everything. Everyone’s chipping in, and Simon––our landlord––” Danielle clarified for Louis, “Says he’ll take care of the big repairs. Also no one was hurt, thank God.”  

Suddenly Harry felt lighter, he still felt like shit, but Ralph was being looked for, by  _the_   _police_. No one was hurt. And Lego House would be okay. It was a better turn out then Harry could have expected form the situation.  

“Harry?” Danielle prompted, her head turned to the side. 

“Mhmm?” Harry hummed, snapping out of his thoughts.  

“Are you okay?” she asked, and it was the kind of question where she wasn’t asking about just in the moment, but about all the time, all the moments. Was he, in general, okay? And while in the moment he felt better than he had in a while, he knew, in general he was not. And so without answering her question he lifted himself from his seat and disappeared down the hall, shutting himself up in the bathroom without a word. It was strange really, because no matter how ‘okay’ he felt at the moment, it didn’t change that he was not okay. It didn’t change that, over the past few weeks, he fallen so hard, harder than he had ever fallen before. Fallen to a place where he found he didn’t really like himself all that much.  

It was with these thoughts that he broke his promise to Louis, and carved a new line on the disaster that was his ankle. The thing is, Louis would never notice, because there were already too many lines and they were all raw red, all the same.  

It was only minutes before there was a knock on the door. It was quiet and gentle, and Harry knew it was Louis right away. And he also knew that the other two had left. “Harry, what’s the matter? Talk to me, Haz.” Harry pressed his lips into a tight line to keep himself from sobbing. Tears left a trail down Harry’s cheeks, and he quickly shut his eyes. Louis voice was so soft. So delicate and sweet and warm. It was everything Harry could ever want. Louis was Harry’s dream. But Harry was used to broken dreams. He couldn’t keep Louis. 

And yet, “Harry.” There was a soft sigh and then a rustling behind the door. “Alright, I’m gonna sit here. I’m gonna sit here on my giant arse until you decide to poke your adorable little head out,” Louis chuckled.  

Harry cracked a watery smile and even let out a small laugh. 

“Ah ha! I got you laughing,” Louis exclaimed. “Good, good. You have a beautiful laugh,” Louis trailed off, as if he were talking more to himself. “Well you’re just beautiful in general. Stunning really. Everything about you is just––” Louis’s breath hitched, “You’re just so special, Haz.”  

Harry’s lips began to tremble, and the tears streamed down with no intention of stopping. In many ways the compliments were worse than harsh words or insults, because the compliments were too much. He didn’t deserve them. He couldn’t fathom them. He didn’t understand how _anyone_  could think so highly of him. It hurt because he felt so worthless, just a throwaway of a life. And yet here was Louis praising him, showering him with words that were far too kind. Harry was not gorgeous. He was not  _special_. How could he be? How could he be when he was nothing more than a whore? 

He was well aware that he was full out sobbing by now, his cries racked through his body, and he shook violently every time a new sob escaped him. Louis was back to tapping on the door, worry and panic in his voice.  

“Harry? Harry, what’s wrong? Harry! Please, open the door. Are you okay? Of course you’re not, fuck. What’s wrong? Please talk to me. Harry? Harry….” 

“I’m not––sp-special,” Harry shuddered, before drawing his knees into his chest and curling around himself.  

“Yes you are. You  _are_  special Harry, so special. I––”  

Harry cut off Louis’s words by opening the door, tears still falling from his eyes, body still shaking. Harry towered over Louis’s small frame. “I’m not.” His voice was broken, but definite. And Louis didn’t try to argue as Harry stalked past him, disappearing into the bedroom. He didn’t lock the door, because it wasn’t his room after all, and so he wasn’t surprised when Louis crept in after him. But Harry ignored Louis, he cried and ignored Louis because Louis just  _cared_  so much, and while it had once been something that he had needed to see and hear desperately, now it was only sending a stab through his heart and killing him slowly. Not only did he feel worthless, but the lies ate him up still. Even though he had been somewhat honest with Louis, everything else that was still hidden hung over him, taunting him. His past, all the shit with Ralph, everything was still there, and he could never properly let Louis in as long as it all stayed hidden.  

“Harry,” Louis said again, for what felt like the millionth time that day. His voice was still as gentle as ever, but Harry recoiled away nevertheless as the older boy crawled into bed beside him. “I just want to help you. I hate seeing you upset like this. You deserve so much more. You deserve happiness and smiles all the time. Just let me help.”  

Harry stayed completely still as Louis’s arm snaked around Harry’s waist. His sobs had died down to soft sniffles, but as Louis curled around Harry’s body he held his breath, everything on pause. He was afraid, so afraid of words that Louis was itching to say. Words Harry had evaded twice already. But Louis remained quite, only pressing a kiss to Harry’s neck and letting his head fall against Harry’s shoulder. They laid like that for a while and eventually Harry drifted off to sleep, and he was comfortable, and warm, but waring with himself, because despite feeling right at home in Louis’s arms, he still felt lost and homeless.  

***

Two weeks passed by painfully slow.  

Harry didn’t hear form Ralph, but of course he wouldn’t when he no longer had a phone.  

Lego House was on its way to being inhabitable once more, and in the meantime, Harry, Zayn, and Danielle lived with their other halves. Louis continued working at Starbucks, reluctantly leaving Harry for his shifts, and someone was always staying with the younger boy while Louis was gone. Harry didn’t protest against the company, even though it was quite suffocating to have “babysitters” but he understood why. He wouldn’t trust himself alone either.  

The bottom line was Louis was worried. Ever since the first day after the fire, Louis had changed his gears. Before he had wandered oblivious, accepting Harry’s excuses, never questioning, turning a blind eye. But know he knew, and he wouldn’t let Harry slip up again. It was like a parallel to how Niall and Liam had treated Louis in the beginning of his recovery. Always hovering, always watching, checking in and babysitting. Louis had hated it. But now, being on the other side, he knew what Liam and Niall had been going through. It was because they cared. And Louis cared deeply for Harry, so he would do anything and everything to keep the boy safe.  

Two weeks saw a lot of silence in Louis’s flat. Harry found that it was easier to just simply not speak. Save for a few words here and there, Harry stayed quiet, eating his meals and curling up on the sofa to watch TV, before relocating to the bedroom, and curling up under the covers to sleep. Harry didn’t leave the flat, no matter how hard Louis tried to coax him out. And Louis and Harry were not having sex. Barely even kissing. Louis granted Harry his space, but he was concerned, he was very concerned.  

It was as the second week was drawing to a close, and the reopening of Lego House was on the horizon, that Harry found a bottle of pills. Why they were in Louis’s flat he’d never know, because Louis wasn’t one to keep pills around, considering his drug dependency, but nevertheless, a tiny bottle of painkillers sat on at the back of one of the kitchen cupboards. Perhaps Louis had kept them around, tucked far away, incase Harry came home one night beat up. Harry smiled at that thought, just another small little reminder of just how much Louis cared. 

He twisted the cap off the bottle and let the pills spilled out into his palm. There were enough, and he smiled again as a wave of calm washed over him. He just wanted everything to stop hurting. This was the right thing to do, he told himself. Because he was in pain, and painkillers are meant to make the pain go away.  

He popped one into his mouth, swallowing it dry like he was used to doing when he took them after a long night out working. It was weird, he thought, as he took another, he never would have thought this would be him. He thought he was stronger than this, but apparently not. A third one went in, and he briefly thought about how strange it was that no one had stopped by yet to check up on him. Had Louis really begun to trust him again. Maybe it was the way he’d kissed Louis this morning, full on for the first time in a while. Harry smiled lazily, it has been such a lovely kiss.  

If he took the rest of them right there, would he die on the kitchen floor? Harry crinkled his nose at the thought. That wouldn’t be too pretty. He wanted to die looking pretty. That’s why he was wearing his favorite jumper and jeans. Plus it wouldn’t be too kind to have Louis find him on the kitchen floor. The bedroom he decided. Under the covers, asleep. That would be better.  

He folded his fingers around the remaining pills and strolled over to the bedroom. The bed was unmade, covers still tangled from where he and Louis had slept the night before. Harry smiled sadly. No more sleeping beside Louis. No more warm arms wrapped around him.  

He climbed into bed, unfolding his fingers and staring down at the pills. His hand was halfway to his mouth before he realized, no note. He hadn’t written a note. No goodbyes. He couldn’t leave Louis just like that. He needed to explain. Or maybe…maybe he didn’t.  

It didn’t matter though, because in his moment of hesitation someone had entered the flat.  

“Harry?”  

It was Niall. There to babysit. Harry was still on watch, Harry was still too unpredictable for Louis to trust. Louis was smart, Louis was right not to trust Harry. But Harry still had time, Niall’s footsteps were closing in but he still had time, he could still down all the pills and Niall wouldn’t realize until it was too late.  

“Harry, there you are!” Niall grinned, inviting himself into the room and flopping down onto the bed.  

Harry’s time had run out.  

He clenched his hand around the pills, and smiled tightly at Niall. “Hey.”  

***

Harry flushed the pills. He flushed them down the toilet and then cried. It was unfair really, how undecisive he was. One minute he was all for leaving, and the next he was rushing to Louis, kissing him hard and pressing their bodies together in the most intimate act they’d shared in weeks. Harry insisted on going out after. Louis wholeheartedly obliged, and they went out for ice cream which brought a huge grin to Harry’s face. Harry was shocked by how happy he was suddenly, licking his ice cream, Louis’s arm wrapped tightly around his waist as they walked to the park. It concerned him just a little, that he could flip so suddenly, but he accepted the happiness, treasured it even, just incase it ended up being a fleeting thing.  

They sat on the park bench near “their spot” and Louis curled Harry into his side. It was quiet, but it was a different kind of quiet unlike the eerie silence that had haunted them both over the past two weeks. Louis kisses Harry’s ice cream covered lips, licking away the vanilla and chocolate with a flick of his tongue. Harry smiled and buried his head in Louis’s shoulder.  

“Thanks for caring,” Harry said softly after a moment, his breath tickling against Louis’s neck.  

Louis turned his head to the side to look down at Harry who was curled up in his arms. He could have said it, he could have said the words right then and there. Ever since the night he’d sobbed the broken words to a sleeping Harry he had ben itching to say them for real. It felt right, perfect even, but he knew it wasn’t want Harry needed to hear. He knew it would only overwhelm the younger boy. Louis may have been itching to say it, but he knew Harry wasn’t ready to hear it.  

“It’s hard not to care,” Louis said instead, squeezing Harry tighter and pecking another sweet kiss on the boy’s lips.  

***

It was two days later that Harry nervously stepped into Lego House for the first time since the fire. Everything looked just as it had before, better even, with new carpets and banisters on the staircase. The front room sported a new set of furniture and the house was back to life, music booming from the stereo, voices chattering and laughing, and the smell of home cooked food wafting though the floors. They were all having a bit of a welcome home party, and spirits were high and the atmosphere was light.  

“Harry!” Cher came out of nowhere and enveloped Harry in a tight embrace. Harry remembered suddenly that most of the people at Lego House hadn’t seen him since the night of Danielle’s dinner party. “I’m so glad you’re okay! Dani told me you were but, well, I haven’t seen you in _ages_.”  

Two and a half weeks, Harry mentally noted.  

“It’s good to see you again, Cher,” Harry smiled as he pulled out of her embrace.  

Louis was off to the side laughing with Liam about something. Niall was jumping on Zayn’s back on the other side of the room, and an array of people were dancing on the furniture, tipping bottles to their lips.  

“Harry, my man,” a voice said startling Harry who zoomed his attention to the person in front of him.  

“Josh, hey.” He hadn’t seen him in two and a half weeks either.  

“Drink?” Josh asked, holding out a beer.  

Harry debated for a moment, before nodding. “Yeah, sure.”  

Harry took a sip and then shifted awkwardly as Josh remained beside him, drinking as well. “So, um, how’ve you been?” Harry asked after a few more moments of silence.  

“Good, good,” Josh said with a dazzling smile. “Sandy and I went to go stay up at his mum’s, it was really quite nice. His family’s great. Real accepting. It was really good.”  

Josh looked happy, Harry noted as he listened to the boy blabber on about all the exciting and romantic things he and Sandy had done on their two week holiday. Harry felt a little bit better. The fire had been his fault, but Sandy and Josh hadn’t suffered. Danielle and Zayn hadn’t suffered. Cher hadn’t suffered. From what he could tell, looking around at the smiling faces––sans for Eleanor, but she always looked grumpy––everyone seemed happy. Sure they had all been out of a home for two weeks, but that did not deter anyone. Harry realized just how strong all of his friends were. Disaster had struck, but none of them had crumbled.  

“Harry!” For the third time Harry spun around at the sound of his name, but this time it was Louis calling his name, rushing over to him with a goofy smile and pressing a sloppy kiss on Harry’s lips.  

Harry smiled down at Louis. “You taste like beer,” Louis giggled. Harry’s lips twisted into an even bigger grin as he fought the urge to laugh. Louis had just fucking  _giggled_. Harry held up his beer and Louis nodded his head once. “Ah, I see.”  

Louis eyes twinkled, and Harry felt a pull in his abdomen and his jeans began to feel a little too tight. “Lets go upstairs,” Harry said, his voice low and raspy, and suddenly he felt a sense of de ja vu wash over him. He felt like he was back to that night so early on, that night after Paradise where the two had run off together, up to Louis’s flat. It felt like that first night when he had come undone, thrusting into Louis for the first time, and realizing then that Louis would never be just some random fuck.  

They climbed up the stairs, and Harry’s mind replayed their earlier days, happier days before Ralph and the whole mess had begun, when the only thing that had been holding Harry back was the fear of falling in love and Steven, who was just a bit of a prick, but not capable of any real damage. Those early days in their friendship were all they did was laze around and go to arcades. When Harry was the one taking care of Louis, helping him with his anxiety and cravings. It was strange to think how much had changed in just a few short months, how drastically Harry’s life had completely folded in on itself.  

But Harry didn’t want to dwell of negative thoughts at the moment, all he wanted was Louis, all of Louis. More specifically, he wanted Louis inside of  _him_. They climbed up three flights of stairs, and Louis was ready to veer off down the corridor to Harry’s flat, but Harry shook his head and tugged Louis along. They continued climbing up and up until there were no more stairs to climb. At the end of the final flight of stairs was a door, Louis had been up here before, he’d slipped through that door just two weeks prior, only last time he had been quite alone.   

Harry tugged a little harder, and they tumbled through the door out into the night. It was cool, despite that it was now June, and Harry was once again reminded of those earlier days with Louis when the weather  _had_  been cool. Harry shut his eyes for a moment and they both stood there, hand in hand, with the gentle breeze blowing around them. The hum of alcohol was coursing through Harry’s veins, numbing his mind a little, and bringing a tingling sensation to his lips, it was a smile. He wanted to feel okay again. He wanted to go back, back to being fun and somewhat happy. Because no one wants to be around a depressed kid.  

Harry turned around, hand still linked with Louis, and began walking backwards, pulling Louis along. He was smiling, and Louis’s eyes twinkled at the sight, eagerly following Harry out to the middle of the roof. They linked both their hands together, closing the distance between their bodies. “Kiss me?” Harry asked lightly, his lips butterflying against Louis’s as he spoke.  

Louis let out a little moan and sighed, parting his lips and nodding slightly. Harry smiled and brought his lips down to the older boy’s and instantly he felt that feeling, that feeling that everything was going to be okay. Louis was here, Louis was his. They were going to be okay. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was just Harry, but he felt light, he felt like he could fly. They kissed like they never kissed before. It was gentle and delicate, and then it quickly turned heated and needy, and they were on the floor stripping in no time. When they broke away, Louis positioned himself, ready for Harry, but Harry shook his head. “No,” he said breathlessly. “I want _you_  inside of  _me_  tonight.”  

Louis’s eyes lit up and then he was wordlessly moving behind Harry. But Harry interrupted again. “I want to see you,” he said softly, and maybe he wasn’t breathing anymore, because it didn’t feel like he was. His blood was drowning in alcohol and everything felt too intense. He  _needed_ Louis, his body was screaming for him. Something inside him was thrashing wildly. He wanted…he wanted  _something_. He didn’t know what though, and it was killing him. But he knew that once Louis was inside him he would know.  

Louis was slow, gentle. It was the first time in two weeks that they were having sex. And the first time in quite a while that Louis was topping. He caressed Harry’s skin gently, he pecked kisses on all over his body. He pushed inside with so much care because he could see that Harry needed this, Harry needed this special treatment, he needed to be loved. 

Harry looked so much younger in those moments on the roof. Less worn down, less broken. Or maybe he was finally shattering completely. Because he was staring up as Louis through wide eyes, as if he were seeing him for the first time, and his heart was beating too fast, and is lips were falling open and moaning Louis’s name, over and over in little breathless whispers and he felt something tug inside and it had nothing to do with the sex.  

Suddenly he wanted to hear the words Louis had been trying to say for a while now. He wanted to hear them, he wanted to say them back.  

Maybe it was just the alcohol, muddling his brain, making him believe that he was ready, that he could surrender up his heart, or maybe it was just Harry, finally letting himself fall completely, without a safety net to catch him. But underneath it all he knew what he had known all along, he just wanted to be loved.


	12. The Sea//Quiet Ballad...

Harry’s head was spinning. He was drunk, that much he knew for sure. They were back down at the party, but Harry wanted to return to the roof and fuck Louis’s brains out. Everything felt so…so  _great_. His heart was hammering in his chest and there were so many things he wanted to do. He couldn’t think straight, but that was no matter, because he was with  _Louis_  and everything was okay.  

Except he kind of felt like blowing his brains against the ceiling. He laughed at the thought. That wasn’t right.  

Harry pouted, angry that part of his brain was being so  _mean_. _Stop it,_  he said to himself.   _I’m going to fly with Louis._  

_Fly off the roof and splat to the ground,_ a voice in his head spat back. 

Would that hurt? Harry wondered.  

“Louis, Louis!” Harry tugged Louis’s shirt, his voice bubbling obnoxiously. “Does it hurt to fall from a roof?” he asked innocently.  

Something flashed behind Louis’s eyes, but Harry was too drunk to properly notice. Instead he stared up expectantly, patiently waiting for an answer to his question.  

“Of course that would hurt, Harry,” Louis said gently, lightly placing his a steady hand on Harry’s elbow. “Are you okay?” he pressed a moment later. 

 Harry rolled his eyes, Louis was  _always_  worrying. “I’m  _fine_ ,” he assured, leaning in to press his lips to Louis’s but missing completely.  

“Do you want to go upstairs?” Louis asked softly, just as eyes were turning towards them. 

“Are you going to fuck me again?” Harry asked loudly. Louis’s eyes widened as Harry climbed on top of the coffee table with clumsy feet. “Guys! Louis fucked me on the roof and I wanted to tell him something but I couldn’t breath because my heart was going to  _explode_! I don’t remember what I wanted to tell him now but it was something important––” 

“Harry,” Louis called, reaching his hand up to pull him down. 

“I’m soooo drunk right now but it feels good because I don’t want to die. I mean oopies, I do.” Harry giggled and then he felt strong arms wrap around his waist. “Louis let go––”  

“Stop it, Harry, we’re going upstairs,” Louis said quietly, his voice very serious.  

“I’m just playing. Come on, Lou, play with me!”  

Louis ignored Harry and pushed him up the stairs. “Louis, Louis! I’m sorry,” Harry sighed, resting his head against Louis’s shoulder, trudging up the remainder of the way without a fight.  

“It’s fine, you’re just drunk.” Even though Louis knew very well that it was not  _fine_. That this drunken hysteria had little to do with the alcohol.  

Louis shut the door to Harry’s flat and they slowly walked down the narrow little hallway to Harry’s bedroom. Harry’s flat had not been effected much by the fire, but a lot of Harry’s things were missing. One of the only things that remained was Harry’s old, tattered quilt, which Harry went to immediately. Louis followed him, the two curling up on Harry’s bare mattress with just the quilt laying over them.  

“Can I tell you something?” Harry whispered innocently. 

“Sure you can,” Louis said, nodding his head. They were nose to nose, eyes locked and limbs tangling together.  

“My mum made me this quilt,” Harry said quietly, his eyes flicking away from Louis’s and glancing down at the fabric spread over them. “She made it when I was really little. It was always my favorite.” Harry sighed and brought the quilt up to his chin, burying himself into Louis’s chest.  

“It’s a very nice quilt,” Louis said quietly, stroking Harry’s back and playing with his curls.  

“Louis, can I tell you something else?” Harry asked, lifting his head.  

“Mhmm,” Louis replied, wrapping a delicate hand around Harry’s neck.  

Harry propped himself up, sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed. Louis sat up too, and they faced each other, barely making out their outlines in the dark room.  

“My mum used to be sad. And I think it’s happening to me,” Harry whispered ever so softly, and Louis could hear the slight tremble in his voice.  

“Why are you sad, Harry?” Louis asked quietly, taking hold of one of Harry’s hands and gently rubbing circles over his skin.  

Harry shuddered, his head hurt and he wanted to cry. “People hurt me, I hurt me. No one likes me. No one ever has,” Harry whimpered, before fresh tears burst forward, and he withdrew his hand from Louis’s grasp and pressed tight fists to his eyes.  

“Harry,  _I_  like you. Everyone here likes you,” Louis said, close to tears himself. “Harry, please….”  

“Just listen.” Harry’s lips trembled. He wanted to be with Louis, fully and completely, but he had to open up. He had to be honest.  

“Okay,” Louis said, sucking in a breath and waiting patiently. 

“I don’t––I don’t know where to start,” Harry stuttered in frustration, because his head just wasn’t  _cooperating_. His thoughts were running past each other too fast, everything was meshing together into a distorted wave of memories that Harry needed to find a way to recount and explain.  

“It doesn’t matter. You can tell me whatever you want,” Louis said quickly.  

“I––Okay.” A million alarms were going off in Harry’s head, but he ignored them. He needed to tell Louis something, anything. Slowly he stumbled forward, taking the first step towards escape from his personal maze.  

“My mum killed herself,” he blurted out suddenly, and Louis visibly started at the sudden confession.  

“Harry,” Louis breathed, rushing forwards to catch Harry as he fell against his shoulder, sobbing and shaking violently.  

“She was so sad,” Harry cried. “Her boyfriend at the time he––he was awful.” Harry knit his fists into tight little balls around Louis’s shirt. Louis didn’t know how to respond, he didn’t know how to comfort Harry. And it pained him so much to be at such a loss for words when Harry clearly needed him. “He hurt everyone. He hurt her. He hurt me. He tried to hurt Gemma…my sister…but I wouldn’t let him.” 

Another horrible sob racked through Harry’s body, making both boys sway. Louis held on tighter, their hearts beating against each other, and Louis hoped he could transplant all the love he had for Harry into the younger boy’s heart. “He told me I was worthless,” Harry continued, “that my mum killed herself because she couldn’t stand living with me––”  

Louis couldn’t take it anymore. “That is  _not_  true,” he said firmly, anger bubbling towards this man he didn’t even know. 

“I know,” Harry whispered, “But he said it so many times that I believed him.”  

“Forget about him. You are not worthless, Harry, you’re not.” 

Harry found himself nodding––even if he could not believe Louis’s words––and he couldn’t go on any longer. That was enough confessions for one day. He felt tired, so tired, he just wanted to sleep. He tugged Louis to lay down with him and they both fell to the mattress together. “I’m okay now,” Harry whispered.  

“Good,” Louis breathed back, snuggling Harry tighter, afraid that if he let go Harry would just evaporate into thin air.  

***

Louis drifted off to sleep a little while after Harry, but was startled awake by the sound of Zayn and Niall coming home.  

“Pretty sure they’re both asleeping,” Zayn whispered in what was much too loud to be a whisper.  

“Harry was off his rocker,” Niall commented as they tiptoed down the hall, the floor boards squeaking in distress as they trudged on down the hallway.   

“I’m honestly worried about him. He acts like he’s fine but he’s not.”  

“I’m worried about  _Louis_. Harry’s going to be the death of him, I swear.”  

“Harry needs help. Louis needs a break.”  

“What’s wrong with Harry?” Niall asked softly as they passed Harry’s room. Their footsteps stopped and then Zayn let out a weary sighed.  

“A lot of things. I probably should have warned Louis about him a long time ago.”  

“Probably. But really, is he depressed or something?”  

“His mum suffered from depression. And I think in his case it’s hereditary,” Zayn mumbled softly, and Louis suddenly felt angry that Zayn was spilling all of Harry’s secrets, angry that Zayn even knew them, when Louis hadn’t until just hours prior. But Louis couldn’t stop listening. “Then when he was younger, his mum’s boyfriend sexually abused him. It fucked him up real bad, he got this whole complex that he was worthless and that no one would ever love him. Then his mum offed herself and the fucker told Harry it was his fault. He has a lot of issues and––fuck, I should have told Louis. This is so unfair to him.”  

“Hey, it’s not your fault,” Niall said softly, before kissing Zayn. They didn’t speak again after that, and when Louis heard the faint click of a door he knew they’d retreated to Zayn’s bedroom.  

Louis’s breath hitched as he glanced over to where Harry peacefully rest. So much suddenly made sense. And it hurt, the realization of it all hurt Louis so much; because Harry had been suffering for such a long time, keeping so much in and letting so little out. When he said his head made him sad, he meant all the memories, all the horrible words from the past, echoing and taunting him. Louis wanted to take away all the pain, he wanted to tell Harry that he was loved.  

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” Louis whispered, hoping Harry’s eyes would suddenly flutter open, but knowing that they wouldn’t. “God, Haz. I fucking love you,” Louis croaked, before rolling over and wrapping his arms around Harry once more, before falling back to sleep.  

*** 

When Harry awoke, Louis was fast asleep and it was late in the morning. The sun was already high up in the sky and Harry felt numb all over. His head hurt and despite the sleep he still felt completely shattered. He remembered everything from the previous night with striking clarity. The alcohol had done nothing to erase the memories of his confessions. 

He’d confessed so much to Louis. 

He thought he’d be okay, he said he would be okay, but he didn’t feel okay at all.  

Harry was frustrated. He was frustrated with himself because no matter what, he still felt broken. In was something deep inside him, something he didn’t know how to fix. He wanted to scream, but all he could manage were choking sobs. He wanted someone to come down and fix him, patch up all the broken bits and return him to Louis so that they could be happy together.  

He wanted to stop lying and pretending that he was doing better. He wasn’t okay. Last night he had felt okay for a bit, up on the roof making love to Louis. The feeling still lingered a little somewhere inside Harry, it was one of the best feelings he had ever felt, but it was fleeting, it left too soon.  

Happiness just didn’t seem to stick to Harry these days.  

He stumbled to his feet and tumbled out of his bedroom. He was hungry but there was nothing to eat. The refrigerator was empty after two weeks of being away. But he was so hungry, he couldn’t even remember the last time he ate. He certainly had not eaten at the party.  

Grabbing a pen and a napkin, Harry quickly scribbled out a little note saying that he would be back in a bit. He was still in his wrinkled clothes from last night but he didn’t really care. Harry slipped out of Lego House, hands jammed into his pockets, and began walking to the little supermarket around the corner. It was another bright and sunny day. The kind of day that made you want to smile, but Harry couldn’t even manage that. Harry let his eyes fall to the ground, head ducked low as he walked on. Louis would have to go to work soon, but he hoped to be back in time to make some breakfast for him before he left.  

Harry wanted to feel okay, he wanted to be okay for Louis, he had to try for Louis, and if that meant more pretending, then that was what he would do. He had to convince Louis that he was okay, that he was doing better, because it was unfair to make him worry. It was so unfair.  

***

When Louis awoke he found the other side of the bed empty and cold. Panic quickly flooded his body as his mind went back to the previous night and he put all the pieces together. Quickly he bounded out of bed, ready to find Harry dead across the kitchen floor. Instead, he found Harry sitting on the sofa sipping a mug of tea and flipping idly through a magazine.  

“Hey,” Harry said tightly, glancing up at Louis who stood a few feet away.  

“Jesus, Harry,” Louis breathed, slumping down beside him on the sofa. “You scared me half to death.”  

“I’m okay now,” Harry said simply. “But you’re kind of late for work.”  

“Fuck work,” Louis groaned, pressing his lips to Harry’s.  

“Well I actually have to go to work myself so….”  

Louis flinched at Harry’s words, drawing away and sitting up straight. He had heard Harry wrong, he must have because there was no way––– 

“What?” Harry asked looking at Louis though clear, expressionless eyes. 

“What do you mean you’re going to work?” Louis asked, his voice coming out too quiet and hollow.  

Harry pulled his head back in confusion. “What I always mean? That I’m going to work…?”  

Louis physically shook himself, it all felt like a slap to the face. “After everything that’s happened you’re still going to go back to work?”  

“Why would I not?” Harry snapped. “Nothing’s happened. I’m fine. I’m better. We can go back to how things  _were_  now.”  

Louis shook his head and got to his feet. “You’re not fine. Don’t lie to me. It’s not going to work this time.”  

“Fine, then just leave okay. If you can’t except my lifestyle, then just leave,” Harry shrugged, and Louis was honestly terrified about how nonchalant he was acting.  

“I am not going to leave you,” Louis said firmly, gritting his teeth. “You need help, Harry. I want to help.”  

“I’m fine,” Harry repeated like a refrain,  “Now please, can we just move on?”  

“You can’t honestly think I believe a word you’re saying right now,” Louis cried, jumping to his feet.  

Harry remained calm and expressionless. “Believe whatever you want Louis, I don’t have time to waste right now. I have clients to attend to.”  

“Why are you being like this?” Louis asked, watching as Harry walked over to the door.  

“This is who I am, Louis. Remember? The whore you met four months ago? He was cocky and smug and not some depressed little kid.” Harry felt his voice rising desperately, and he willed himself to stay calm, to keep pretending.  

Louis shook his head, eyes piercing though Harry’s. “No, he was sweet and caring and a little blunt and outspoken. But he wasn’t… _this_ ,” Louis said, gesturing up and down to Harry.  

Harry clenched his jaw. “I have to go.”

Louis said nothing, did nothing, and let Harry slip out the door. Harry had left Louis plenty of times before, but never had it stung as much as it did just then.  

***

Harry was fighting tears as he bounded down the three flights of stairs. He hated himself, he hated himself so much. He had no idea what he was doing anymore. He was dick and he was doing it all on purpose. Maybe it would be easier if Louis just hated him.  

He was so far gone. There was nothing about him that was okay. He was broken, and now he just wanted to disappear. His head was roaring, a monster inside was taking over. He walked the pavement in quick strides. There were no customers, he had no intentions of sleeping with anyone that wasn’t Louis ever again. And yet he had said all those things, he had said all the things he knew would break Louis. Maybe part of Harry was bad; maybe Harry just wasn’t a good person.  

It didn’t matter though, because Harry was done. He couldn’t think straight, he took no notice of his surroundings, no notice of the car that had begun to follow him. He just wanted to disappear. 

And he might just be lucky enough to get his wish. 

 

***

Zayn and Niall clamored out of their room at the sound of the front door swinging shut. They found Louis frozen in the center of the living room, staring at the door.  

“Lou?” Zayn asked, approaching hesitantly.  

“He left,” Louis croaked. “He went to…work.” He felt numb all over and his legs felt like they were about to give in.  

“Harry left?” Zayn asked, trying to keep his voice level.  

Louis nodded, not trusting himself to speak anymore.  

“Shit, Louis, why’d you let him go?” Zayn ran his fingers through his hair trying to stay calm. “I mean it’s not your fault,” he added quickly, “It’s just––fuck!”  

Louis felt like he was going to be sick.  

A few moments later he swayed on his feet before crumpling to the ground and vomiting at Zayn’s feet.  

Zayn jumped back and gasped in disgust.  

“I’m sorry,” Louis mumbled, pressing his hand against his mouth.  

“It’s fine,” Zayn said quickly. “Niall, can you please take care of Louis? I’m going to go find Harry.”  

Niall wordlessly nodded, and Zayn quickly disappeared out the front door in nothing but his boxers.  

Niall mopped away the mess and helped Louis into the bathroom where he changed him out of his clothes and helped him rise out his mouth.  

“How do you do it?” Louis asked, sitting himself down on the toilet seat because he wasn’t fit enough to stand just yet.  

“Do what?” Niall asked lightly, sitting down opposite Louis on the floor.  

“How do you deal with the fact that Zayn sleeps with people other than you?”  

Niall gave Louis a sympathetic look and moved a little closer to his friend. “I know that what Zayn and I have is more than just sex. Zayn isn’t…well he isn’t intimate with the other people, not the way he is with me. So it doesn’t really matter.”  

Louis mulled this over in his head. It was basically everything he had been telling himself since the beginning. But somehow it just didn’t seem to be enough anymore. He wanted Harry to be his, he didn’t want to share Harry anymore. Especially with people who didn’t deserve Harry, people who hurt him.  

“Harry loves you, you know,” Niall added after a few moments of silence. “I know he’s never said it, and I don’t think you have either, but, he really does love you. It’s obvious he does. He needs help though, and I don’t think you loving him is going to be enough to fix him, mate.”  

Louis hoped Niall was wrong. He hoped his simple three words would put Harry back together again.  

***

Harry was ready to turn around and go back, he was ready to apologize to Louis, maybe even accept the help that he knew he desperately needed. But he never got that chance, for when he turned around he found a car waiting for him. He could have run, he wasn’t too far from home. And if he had tried running he would have found Zayn looking for him just a block away.  

But he didn’t try running. He felt something like defeat settle over him.  _Would he ever see Louis again?_  he wondered. 

A bone crushing hand to the throat told him, probably not. 

 


	13. Addicted//I Love You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains triggering material involving self harm, depression, and suicidal thoughts.

It was a restless night for Louis full of tossing and turning and a churning in his stomach that lurched every time he awoke from a particularly unsettling dream. When Zayn had returned without Harry, Louis miserably surrendered in defeat. He skipped work––not that he could really be bothered to care at this point, and with his current attendance record, he was just begging to be fired––and he perched himself on Harry and Zayn’s sofa, cuddled under Harry’s quilt, patiently waiting for him to come home. Maybe he shouldn’t have stayed, maybe he should have gone home, maybe that was what a normal person did when their boyfriend decided to go out and sleep with strangers. But he couldn’t leave, because Harry was not okay, despite his pretending, and Louis had to be there when he got home.  

Harry did not  come home.  

He did not  come home and it scared Louis. It scared Zayn too.  

Louis remained curled up on the sofa for the rest of the day, chewing on his nails and entertaining every scenario that could possibly befall Harry. Zayn stayed home, keeping him company after Niall left for work, making sure Louis ate, and cleaning up his sick when he doubled over a few hours later, nauseous from all the worry. They didn’t talk much, they were both lost in their respective head-spaces, but their company was enough to reassure that they weren’t completely alone.  

When night fell and Harry still had not turned up, Louis stayed and slept in Harry’s bed, tossing and turning, riddled with anxiety from the terrifying images playing like a film reel on loop, over and over, a bruised and battered Harry crying for Louis.  

When it became too much, Louis gave up on sleep, emerging from the bedroom and shuffling to the kitchen where he wasn’t surprised to find a bleary-eyed Zayn hunched over a mug of coffee. The dim kitchen light cast everything in shadows, spotlighting on Zayn, who lifted his head, rubbing his eyes and nodding once at Louis.  

“Coffee?” Zayn asked, his voice gravelly.  

Louis shook his head, slumping down beside Zayn.  

“Got any tea?” Louis chanced, hopefully. He really needed a good cuppa.  

Zayn pressed his lips together making a resentful sound. “’Fraid not. You’re a tea guy, I forgot,” he muttered, getting to his feet. “We can go out and get tea if you want.”  

Louis glanced at the clock above the stove. “It’s 5:42 in the morning,” he said, his voice already protesting. 

Zayn sighed. “You can’t just sit here and wait forever. Come on, we’re going out for tea,” Zayn said, clapping a hand on Louis’s back and guiding him back down the hall. “Just give me a minute to get some clothes on and then we’ll go.”  

Zayn disappeared behind his bedroom door and Louis slowly creaked open the door to Harry’s, trudging inside on heavy feet. He slipped on his scuffed up TOMS and snatched up his phone that lay on the bedside table. As a force of habit, he checked his inbox for new messages, before the unsettling realization hit him, Harry had never gotten a new phone after his old one was destroyed in the fire. There had been no need since he’d been staying with Louis the whole time, but now he was out there somewhere, and he didn’t even have a phone to contact Louis, or anyone for that matter, if something bad were to happen. If this thought hadn’t been so crippling, Louis would have realized that this meant Harry could not have had “appointments” to get to if he didn’t even have a phone for clients to call.  

***

He and Zayn found themselves in a dark, stuffy coffee shop about fifteen minutes later. Louis scrubbed his tired eyes with the heels of his hands and Zayn dropped down into the seat opposite Louis, setting down a little cardboard tray with their drinks. Louis reached out for his tea––which wasn’t as good as his own, but it was alright––and took a few tentative sips. His insides were squirming uncomfortably, and there was a lump in his throat brought on by the worry and anxiety. He didn’t like the feeling, he knew the feeling all too well. It was the same feeling that had found him on the roof of Lego House with a bottle of vodka two weeks prior. Frankly, it scared Louis, because he did not want to go back to that life, but the pull inside him felt a little too strong this time. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could fight it.  

His phone buzzed to life, and instantly his fingers flew out to catch it as it rattled across the table. Zayn watched his frantic actions through scrutinizing eyes. He knew Louis was expecting Harry, so when he quickly ignored the call, he knew it was someone else. Someone he didn’t want to talk to. 

After a moment, Zayn cleared his throat and leaned forward in his seat. “Who was that?”

Louis took a sip of his tea before waving a careless hand. “No one important.”  

Zayn raised his brows. “Louis, come on. You can talk to me…if you’re not okay. What’s wrong––besides the obvious?”  

Louis shrugged pathetically, his bottom lip beginning to quiver. “I just don’t think I’m strong enough for this anymore,” he said very softly.  

Zayn’s eyes went round, and his hand flew up to reach of Louis’s wrist. “Hey, I know it’s hard, and I know you have your own shit going on too, but––you  _are_  strong. I don’t know anyone who would’ve been able to stay as together as you have through all of this.” 

Louis swallowed, though it did nothing to relieve the perpetual lump in his throat. He didn’t want to slip back into things. He needed to be strong for Harry. He had someone to be strong for. But he couldn’t do it alone. He’d be stupid to believe he could. “I just––I haven’t been going to my therapy sessions for the past two weeks,” Louis admitted, quietly. “And with all this Harry stuff…my anxiety levels are through the roof. And I just––I need a hit. I don’t  _want_  to, but it’s like, my body is going against me,” Louis took a deep breath, the confession leaving him breathless. “I don’t know what to do.”  

Zayn squeezed Louis’s wrist. “Hey, you’re not alone, okay. You know we’re all here for you too. Not just because you and Harry are together. You’re our friend too, don’t forget that.”  

Louis nodded, taking another sip of his tea. After a moment, Louis’s quiet, cracking voice broke through the silence. “Do you think he’s okay? 

Zayn felt himself deflate, his whole body slumping back in the chair, and he couldn’t even pretend for Louis. “I don’t know,” he murmured, bringing the bitter coffee to his lips.  

“I love him,” Louis said without thinking, eyes falling to inspect his fingers.  

“I know mate.”  

***

Lego House was silent. Uncharacteristically silent. It felt eerie, it made his skin crawl as he trudged up the stairs. Maybe he was just imagining the pressing silence. Maybe he was imagining it because he felt like there was no one left in the world but himself. Or maybe it was just a really quiet day in the colorful house. His eyes darted about, looking for someone to pop out from behind one of the doors, looking for someone to stop him. But Lego House was silent.  

It was hot and humid, the kind of heat that pressed down all over, sticking to everything, making it impossible to breath. It almost discouraged one from breathing all together, lungs rejecting the heavy air, every breath felt labored and uncomfortable. 

He reached the third floor, lungs hurting from the air he wished to stop breathing, and continued down to the fourth door on the left. Would it be silent in there too? He hoped that it would.  

His head was so numb. He couldn’t believe he was still living. He could have been dead hours ago, but something had told him to fight. But now here he was, wishing he were dead with every step he took. What a waste, he thought. To be given a second chance, to have gotten away, only to kill himself later.  

Harry Styles, worthless, stupid, disgusting whore, would soon be dead.  

It wasn’t just because he was tired of living anymore, that was only part of it. And another part was that he was tired of hurting people, being a disappointment. But the biggest part, the part that had sealed his fate, was that he had  _forgotten_. Or almost.  

But Ralph had reminded him.  

Ralph had reminded him of the date that was approaching in just two days. The date that had completely slipped Harry’s mind. 

He would be gone by then.  

If the other side of the door was silent, then he’d be gone in just a few hours.  

Harry turned the knob and stepped inside, ready for everyone to come rushing towards him. Ready for Louis to burst into tears, ready for Danielle to fret over his bruised neck and bloodied body, ready for Zayn to curse and pull Harry in for a hug and then ask for answers and curse some more.  

But the flat was silent, and Harry was resigned to his fate.  

He shuffled inside the flat, his home that had never quite felt like a home. He was teetering on his feet, ready to crumple at any moment. The voices echoed around in his head, and he screwed his eyes shut, fingers knotting in his hair, trying to forget, but failing as the previous night crashed around him.  

_“You’re a whore––”_  

_“S-stop…please.”_  

_“You. Are. A. Whore. And you like it.”_  

Out of habit––old, childhood, habit––Harry found himself wrapped up in his mother’s quilt, clinging to the worn out fabric for dear life as shouting, fists knocking against his body, and everything else came flooding back in stark clarity. 

_Ralph stood across from him, smirking down wickedly, ropes held in his big, beefy hands. “You’re going to behave for me, Harry.”_  

_Harry’s lip trembled and he didn’t feel eighteen anymore. He felt too young. He felt like a child, and he was scared._  

_The ropes burned, they were too tight and they cut Harry’s skin and rubbed his wrists raw. Harry sat tied up for a long while as Ralph did horrible things to him. He lost track of time, he lost all feeling in his body, going numb, silent tears streaking his face._  

_When Ralph began to fuck him, rough and hard without any prep, Harry began to cry out in pain. He knew better, he knew crying and protesting only made Ralph angrier, but he couldn’t help it anymore, he wanted it to stop, he begged for Ralph to stop. He wanted Louis to hold him gentle. He wanted to go home. Home. Home to Louis. Home to Zayn. Home to Dani and Josh and Sandy and Rebecca and Lily and Mary and Matt and even Eleanor._  

_“Scream one more time and I swear I will kill you.”_  

_Harry wanted to go home. So he kept quiet after that._  

_He thought of Louis a lot during that time. He thought of how good he had felt the previous night on the roof. He thought about how he had been flying with Louis. He thought about that tug he’d felt inside. He thought about falling. He thought about the words Louis had been trying to say for a while now, the words Harry had been stopping because he couldn’t handle hearing them. But as Ralph destroyed him, he thought there were worse things in the world than ‘I love yous’._  

_He would have held on longer, he would have gone to find Louis and seek help and whisper the words he knew he felt inside. He would have done all of that, had Ralph not mentioned the upcoming date. The date Harry had forgotten._  

_Ralph used that as leverage. He saw Harry’s eyes snap up in attention at the mention of the date. He saw the furrow of Harry’s brows as he realized he’d forgotten. And Ralph used that. He used that to tear Harry down completely, to break him down, to take away any strips of hope that may have lingered inside Harry._  

_Ralph made sure Harry felt the guilt of forgetting, he made sure it twisted inside his stomach. Because Ralph was a bad man, a bad man who had a twisted obsession with Harry, a twisted lust for seeing the boy hurt. Ralph knew he was killing Harry, slowly with his words and abuses. And Harry should have fought harder, he should have thought of Louis, he should have remembered blue eyes and soft skin, he should have held on longer._  

_But Ralph had gotten inside his head, Ralph had planted the seed that would destroy Harry. No one would understand it. Harry was stupid for even being so upset over it, but he had forgotten. He had forgotten! How could he have forgotten?_  

_“How could you forget, Harry?” Ralph snarled. “Such an important date, and you forget?” He tutted his tongue and then yanked violently at Harry’s messy, damp hair. “Too busy having fun with your boyfriend?” he sneered through clenched teeth, and Harry’s breath hitched because––Louis. “Don’t think I’m stupid. I’ve seen you with him. Little fragile thing, all small and dainty. A proper faggot,” he spat, and Harry felt his blood boil as Ralph rattled on and on about Louis. His Louis._

  _“No one will ever find out about any of this,” Ralph went on, his voice so low, so menacing. “No one will ever find out about who started the fire. No one will ever find out about you working for me. Because if they do, bye bye to your little boyfriend.”_  

_Harry swallowed hard. His head felt light and his mouth was too dry and he couldn’t breath properly. All this time, everything he’d ever done, was to protect Louis. He’d kept his distance, he’d tried not to fall too hard, he lied and kept secrets just so Louis could be safe. But now Ralph knew about Louis. And there was a new price hanging over Harry’s head. And suddenly he didn’t want to live anymore. He didn’t want to hurt anyone else. He just wanted to float away…._  

Harry lay breathless in bed, staring up at the ceiling with a thin trail of blood running down his arm. It was one of those moments, those pivotal moments when the world seemed to stop spinning, and there was no one but Harry. Just Harry, in a silent flat, on a day that was too hot for London, with a resolution in mind that seemed like cheating. It was one of those moments where shiny metaphors and deep thoughts seemed to blossom, if only to try and rationalize the finer complexities of life. 

Lives, Harry mused––suspended in his own quiet little bubble, detached from the rest of the world––were fragile. The  _world_  was so fragile; carefully constructed lives, everything woven together so intricately, twisting patters stitching together into one piece of cloth. That was life. On the surface it looked simple, just a piece of cloth, effortlessly put together, but looking just a little deeper, suddenly the stitches stood out, the individual threads bursting forward, telling a story, a whole person’s life, written right there, just a mess of strings.  

Harry tugged on a loose thread poking out near the edge of his quilt. He toyed with it, staring up at the ceiling through unfocused eyes. He tugged a little too hard, and the string unravelled in his fingers, growing longer and longer, plucking the stitches apart. He glanced down and the mess of thread coiled between his fingers, and quite suddenly, without warning, a ragged sob wracked through his body and he began to cry. Because his stitches were being plucked apart too, his delicate cloth unraveling into just a mess of strings. And he knew he was beyond the point of being sewn back together again. It was defeat. He knew he was done.  

Harry didn’t bother locking the bathroom door. In fact, he didn’t even close it all the way.  

After the memories of the previous night crashed around him, he looked down to find his arm bleeding, sliced up in the desperation that the memories had brought on.  

He let his arm bleed as he stripped off his clothes. He at looked himself in the mirror, one last time. His eyes traced over every line of his body. This was him. This person staring back was him. It was strange, looking at himself in the mirror, the person he saw almost didn’t seem real. Covered in ugly bruises, eyes dead, face gaunt. He was just an ugly shell of a person. He felt very detached from the person in the mirror, the person in the mirror betrayed his insides. The person in the mirror had always known how to deceive, he knew how to look okay, even when the person inside felt broken and bruised. But now, now the person on the inside was bleeding through, bruises blossoming all over, withering until both boys meshed into one, one perfect stranger that Harry did not recognize anymore. And so when he reached into medicine cabinet, extracting two bottles of pills, he didn’t feel too bad about the murder he was about to commit to the strange boy staring at him through the mirror.  

He tore his eyes away from the mirror to glance down at his hands. Sleeping pills and pain killers. He didn’t want to think about everyone else, but as he tried not to think of their faces, they only appeared ten times stronger in his mind. He felt selfish, selfish because he would be leaving Louis behind, selfish because he was leaving Zayn, and Danielle. Selfish because even as he thought of them, the bottle of pills stayed firmly grasped in his hands, his resolution unwavering.  

It wasn’t that he didn’t love Louis. It wasn’t that he wanted to be so selfish and cause perhaps more pain with his death. It was that, no matter how he looked at the situation there was no way he could sew the stitches back together. It was that he felt beyond the point of mending. It was years of pain that had piled up, a blade sharpened by the awful experiences he had faced. And now that bade had punctured the delicate strings holding Harry together. It had sliced through them all with a swift and deadly flick. And there was no mending it. The cloth was rendered useless and now it needed disposing of.

Harry stared back down at the two bottles in his palms. Sleeping pills and pain killers. He wanted to sleep. He wanted to take away the pain.  _Take your medicine_ , his mum always used to say,  _it’s what makes you better when you’re sick_.

Well, Harry was very sick, so he’d need an extra dose of medicine.  

He began to twist both caps; it was time to say goodbye.  

There was a note, written weeks ago to Louis, hidden in his dresser. Louis would find it eventually, when he or Zayn or  _someone_  went through his things. He hoped Louis would forgive him. Or maybe he hoped Louis would hate him, so that he could move on quicker, not dwell too much on Harry, who never really deserved Louis in the first place.  

He titled the bottle of painkillers towards his palm just as a slight noise disrupted the still atmosphere of the apartment. The  click of a door and then the trudge of heavy footsteps. Harry felt the blood rush from his veins, paling and freezing in place as the footsteps grew closer. He had just enough time to chuck the pills out of sight, and then his eyes flew up to look at the mirror, wide and terrified. And in the reflection, Louis stared back looking just as startled.  

Harry was acutely aware of his bloodied arm, crisscrossed with angry lines. He knew his exposed body looked horrific, especially for Louis. Bruises covered every patch of skin. There was nothing beautiful about his appearance. He was too thin, too pale, eyes too dead, and skin too tainted. Most people would have flinched away at the sight, recoiled in repulsion. But Louis wasn’t anything like most people. Harry still faced away from him, only seeing him through the reflection of the mirror. But seeing Louis’s face crumple was just as painful, even through the mirror.  

“Harry….” Louis croaked, pushing himself past the threshold and stumbling forward until his chest collided with Harry’s back and his arms snaked around Harry’s middle as gently as he could manage. He buried his face into Harry’s neck and Harry could feel the wetness of Louis’s tears on his skin. He stood frozen in Louis’s arms, staring blankly at their reflections in the mirror. Strangers, Harry thought, feeling more detached from himself than ever. He couldn’t recognize the people in the mirror. He couldn’t remember ever feeling good. He couldn’t remember feeling good with Louis. Everything, all those feelings, they felt numb, buried too deep under everything else, and it scared Harry, it scared him so much because he couldn’t  _feel_. Louis was holding him, and crying, and kissing his neck, and he couldn’t  _feel anything_. He wanted to scream.  

He did scream.  

He screamed and he didn’t realize he was screaming until he and Louis were both sat on the bathroom floor together, Louis kneeling before Harry, both hands pressed on either side of his face, willing him to calm. “It’s okay, Harry,  _listen to me_ ,” Louis said a little forcefully, but it worked, and Harry’s screams died down until he was left with nothing but heavy breaths that his lungs wanted to reject. 

Harry stared back at Louis, their eyes furiously locked together, blue to green, like they had been countless times before. But instead of getting lost in those eyes, Harry couldn’t quite see them. It was like he was looking through them, passed Louis completely, unable to latch on. But Louis kept staring at Harry, and those green eyes never looked so broken. They were shiny with tears, and red all around. Harry’s nose was pink and splotchy from crying, and he looked so young and so helpless, slumped up against the cabinets under the sink.  

“Harry, please,” Louis said, searching Harry’s face, searching for the boy to recognize him. “I’m right here, it’s going to be okay. Talk to me, what happened?”  

Harry lips twisted into a trembling frown and he cast his eyes down to his fumbling fingers, small tears falling from his lashes. He shook his head ever so slightly, and then glanced back up at Louis, eyes silently pleading, though he wasn’t quite sure what he was asking for. He just needed something, he needed to feel something because he was so scared.  

“It’s okay,” Louis repeated, pulling Harry back into his arms. And Harry hugged back, though the pressure wasn’t tight enough, and he wasn’t quite sure if Louis’s body was really there at all. It felt like he was hugging air.  

After that, Louis tended to Harry’s wounds, and Harry silently continued to cry, and then they ended up on the sofa, and Harry wrapped himself up in his patchwork quilt facing Louis, and Louis held on to one of his hands, and once again asked for Harry to speak.  

But no matter how hard Harry tried, words failed him.  

That didn’t deter Louis, though. He may have felt weak and sick to his stomach, wrought with worry just hours ago, but that was before, that was when Harry had still been missing. But Harry was here, he was sat right across from him, and he had to be strong for him. Harry needed him, and he would do everything in his power to make the younger boy feel okay again.  

Harry was bloodied and bruised, laying across the sofa, Louis glancing down at him, and it all felt so familiar. Just four months previous, Louis had been where Harry was, sprawled out on the then unfamiliar sofa, Harry taking care of him. Harry, so strong and confident, had reassured Louis then that he would find a way out, that he would be okay. Louis didn’t believe it at the time, but he wanted too. And it was partly Harry’s small words of hope that had helped carry Louis through to recovery.  

It was strange to think that it had only been four months since that day in February. Four months sounded like nothing, four months could go by in the blink of an eye. But their four months had felt like a lifetime. In four months Louis had made a 360, but, in turn, so had Harry. And now the roles were reversed, and Harry was at the bottom and Louis had to pick him up, he  _had_  too.  

“Harry,” Louis said, clearing his throat a little. “Harry I know you haven’t been okay for a long time, but I’m here for you, you know that. And well, I’m going to help you get through this,” Louis paused, because it looked like Harry was about to speak, but when Harry’s mouth fell shut again, Louis continued on, talking and talking because it was the only thing he could do. “We’re going to get through this, you’re going to get through this,” and suddenly Louis was thinking about the figurative mazes he used to think about in the beginning of his recovery. “You’ll find a way out of this maze, Harry. I know you will. You’re strong, so strong. Whatever you’re going through, I believe in you, I know you can do this,” and Harry began to cry again, one trembling hand covering his mouth as he shook with fresh sobs, the other hand squeezing tighter around Louis’s fingers, trying to stay rooted, trying his best not to float away.  

Louis stopped talking then, once again wrapping his arms around his boyfriend and holding him so tightly, their hearts beating against each other back and forth, one swelling with love and concern, the other hammering too fast and too hard, waging a war inside, frantically pumping out beat after beat, trying to hang on.  

Louis rubbed Harry’s back, and he felt the words bubbling forward even before Harry began to speak. The words he’d been urging to say for such a long time, the words he knew Harry need to hear. They were bubbling forward, teetering on the tip of his tongue, but Harry spoke first, a mess of disjointed words interrupted by ragged, hitching breaths.   

“I forgot––and he knows about you––and I can’t feel anything––and I’m so, I’m––so sorry,” he said franticly, hiccuping through his sobs.  

Louis was just as lost as ever, but Harry was talking, and that was good, he wanted more of that, so he held on tighter, rubbing Harry’s back softly. “It’s okay, Haz. Just let it out, I’ve gottcha. I’m here. I’m right here.”  

Harry’s chest stuttered with another particularly strong sob, and he cried harder than ever, fingers knotting into the fabric of Louis’s shirt. “I can’t feel anything, Louis. I can’t––I’m empty, Lou. I’m––nothing.” And he sobbed all the while as he spoke.  

And then Louis said it, he said it because his heart was aching and he wanted Harry to be okay. It was urgent and frantic, and it was enough to break Harry, because he couldn’t stand it, he couldn’t handle it. It was too much.  

Pulling back just enough to touch foreheads, nose to nose, Louis’s eyes firm and sincere, Harry’s watery and doubtful, Louis said the words with confidence. “Harry, you are not nothing. You are everything. You mean everything to me. I love you, Harry. I love you so much.”  

Harry’s heart stopped. His chest stopped heaving. His eyes widened, frozen. His throat felt tight. And he pulled away. Physically recoiling, the way he was conditioned to. Rejecting the love he was told he did not deserve.  

And then suddenly he could feel something. Pain. A heaviness settling over his chest, and his hands trembled as he cupped them over his ears, and his lips twisted into a frown and his eye blurred over with tears. “No,” he croaked, shaking his head from side to side, staring at Louis as though he has just been horribly betrayed. “No, no, no.”  

Louis reached for Harry, a tentative hand ghosting along Harry’s skin, but Harry jumped back, backing away on unsteady feet.  

“Harry, please…”  

Harry recoiled further, putting more and more distance between them. “Don’t you do that to me,” Harry sobbed. “I don’t deserve it and I know it.”  

Louis jumped to his feet, slowly approaching Harry. “You deserve all the love in the world, Harry,––” 

“No, I don’t!” Harry shouted back, slumping his back against the wall. “Just stop it! Can’t you see this is killing me?”  

Louis stopped moving then. Standing just a few feet apart the two boys stared at each other, this time Harry could see Louis, and he got lost in those blue eyes. “It’s killing me,” Harry croaked again, his lips trembling and tears spilling freely from his big, green eyes.  

Louis took a step forward, but Harry’s hands flew up to stop him. “Don’t. Just. Please.”  

Louis’s own lips began to quiver, and it was all too much. “Harry, please, I just want to help. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. Just let me in.”  

Harry’s eyes fluttered to the ground and he sniffed loudly, his head shaking ever so slightly. “I can’t,” he said quietly. “Don’t you see? You were never meant to stick around, Lou. You weren’t supposed to!”  

“Well I did! And I fell in love with you. And I’m going to do everything in my power to help you get better.”  

Harry’s head snapped up, “What if I don’t want to get better?”  

Louis’s eyes faltered, worry and pain shining through briefly. “You’re going to get better, Haz,” he whimpered, stepping forward and cupping one hand against Harry’s cheek.  

He leaned in for a kiss, but Harry turned his head away and removed Louis’s hand from his cheek. Louis didn’t understand. Harry was numb to everything. The only thing he could feel was pain. And he wanted it to end. Louis didn’t understand that no matter how much he loved him, it didn’t fix anything. Louis didn’t understand that the fact that he loved him made it even worse. 

“I can’t do this with you anymore,” Harry said softly. Because he needed to break Louis’s heart. He need to do it so Louis would leave. 

He underestimated Louis.  

“I’m not leaving.” 

“I need you to. I can’t do this. You have to  _leave_!” 

 The hysterics were rising, and Harry had stopped thinking logically a long time ago. He began pushing Louis towards the door, and because he was the bigger and stronger of the two, he actually managed to get him all the way to the threshold, despite his protests.  

“I am not leaving you, Harry! I know what you’re doing and I’m not leaving you again. I’m not going to let you hurt yourself again!”  

Harry was screaming a string of incoherent sounds and sobbing and Louis was truly terrified. Terrified because Harry was raging, all of Harry’s pain was right there, in plain sight. The cuts and the bruises and the tears and the scars and the broken sobs and screams. Harry was shattering. All around him little pieces of Harry were flying. The seams were busting open, he was coming undone. 

“Harry, please––”  

Louis’s words were silenced by rough, clumsy lips, and he stumbled backwards on his feet. And then, all too quickly, Harry pulled away, and slammed the door in his face.  

When Louis went to twist the doorknob he found it too be locked. His heart jumped up into his throat, panic spreading all over. He thought of the blade in the bathroom. He thought of the knives in the kitchen. He thought of the alcohol and pills that were bound to be in the flat somewhere. He banged his fist on the door and called for Harry. He wasn’t expecting him to answer, and so he quickly fished his phone out of his pocket and dialed Zayn’s number.  

Zayn answered after a few rings, breathing heavily. “Lou? What’s up?”  

“Harry’s back at Lego House, I found him cutting, then I––er––told him I loved him, and he kind of freaked out and threw me out and the door’s locked and I’m scared he’s going to do something!” Louis said in one quick breath.  

On the other end, Zayn clamored about, “I’m on my way. Stay there. Talk through the door, do whatever you have to do. Keep him distracted.”  

“Okay.” The call ended, and Louis turned back to the door, fist pounding down on the hard surface, not even caring that his hand began to sting after just a few seconds. The loud banging of Louis’s fists was the only sound to be heard in all of Lego House. It was an eerie silence to the usually lively house, and Louis couldn’t help but compare the house to Harry himself.  

***

The thin door was all that separated them.  

Just a door.  

Louis’s pounding sounded through the entire flat, Harry could almost feel the room shaking. Or maybe it was just him. 

Because he hadn’t stopped shaking. Even with his resolution made, even as he packed the tiny duffle bag with the few things he would need, he still couldn’t stop shaking. 

This was it. This was the end.  

Harry knew Louis would never leave him. Ever since the beginning it had always been Harry doing the leaving. Louis couldn’t leave him. Louis was always running right towards him. So it was Harry’s job to end it. He had to leave. He had to end the pain and suffering. He had to protect Louis. One final act of protection.  

Because he loved him too. He really did. And love meant sacrifice. 

Harry knew where he was running to. The last place on earth. The place he had forgotten.  

Home. 


	14. Autumn Leaves

Here's a [link](http://grooveshark.com/playlist/Harry+and+number+x27+s+Mixtape/78452363) to "Harry's Mixtape" which is featured in this chapter. 

.....

The flat was empty. 

Harry was gone.  

The first few seconds after Zayn flung the door open were spent in numbing shock. And then came the denial. Because  _no_ , Harry couldn’t have escaped. Louis was standing by the front door the whole time. Banging on the door incessantly. But Harry was no where to be found and the big window in the living room was open, letting in a soft breeze that would have been quite lovely were they in a different situation.  

But they were on the third floor.  

And then Louis’s stomach lurched unpleasantly. His mind went straight to the worst, the worst which was obvious the truth.  

Harry had jumped. Jumped out the window and smacked down onto the pavement, brains splattered everywhere. That was surely it.  

Louis’s sobs only grew louder in the short moments that it took for this realization to sink in. And then as if reading his mind, Zayn came over and slapped him upside the head and then proceeded to grip him by the shoulders and shake him mad.  

“Stop blubbering you twat!” he yelled, and that did the trick.  

Louis startled into silence and Zayn sighed in exasperation, before jutting a finger towards the window.  

“There’s a fire escape ladder there, yeah?” he explained, eyeing Louis carefully, making sure his words sunk in. “They put it in after the fire happened, safety regulations and shit. It leads down to the alley below.  _He’s fine_ ,” Zayn enunciated.  

“He’s  _gone_ ,” Louis corrected through sniffles.  

“But we’ll find him. He can’t have gotten far. Someone will have seen him, and then we’ll bring him back here and we’ll sort him out and get him help and _everything will be okay._ ”  

_You don’t know that_ , Louis wanted to say. Because he hated it when people said things would be okay. How did they know? They didn’t. They instilled false hopes, false hopes that Louis always fell victim to believing. And so he couldn’t listen to Zayn. He couldn’t believe in Zayn’s words. Because if Zayn was wrong, if Harry was not okay, Louis couldn’t fathom what he’d do. He couldn’t fathom it.  

Harry had to be okay. Harry would be okay.  

And shit, he was already believing Zayn’s words.  

*** 

Danielle was just getting in, back from Uni, when Zayn and Louis bounded down the staircase, keys jingling in Zayn’s hand, Louis worrying his bottom lip, eyes puffy and face tearstained. 

It didn’t take long for Danielle to realize something was wrong. “What’s going on?” she asked, her voice pressing. 

Louis barely paused, already swinging the front door open as Zayn stopped halfway between the staircase and the door, turning sideways to face Danielle, barreling through explanations all the while Louis stood whimpering impatiently, fists clenching with fear and anxiety. 

“Harry’s run off, it’s pretty bad. Louis found him earlier cutting, he was pretty upset, might do something impulsive. And well, we have to go find him,” Zayn said quickly. 

“Wait, Harry came  _back_?” 

“ _Yes_ ,” Zayn said through gritted teeth. “He came back home––” 

“I found him in the bathroom cutting. I took care of him. He c-cried a lot. I told him I loved him. He f-flipped out. Threw me out of the flat, locked the door, and then hopped out the window and down the fire escape,” Louis clarified, too impatient to let Zayn finish. 

Danielle set down her school books on the staircase and ambled over to the door. “Well he can’t have gotten far. I’ll help you look for him.” 

If it had been night time, all of Lego House would have taken to the streets in search of Harry. But being only just nearly ten in the morning, everyone was at work or school or  _somewhere_ , and their numbers were significantly reduced. They stopped at Babylon first, informing anyone that would listen that Harry was missing and to contact them if they saw him. Then Danielle marched down the block, busted into a ratty little cafe, and yanked Eleanor by the arm off the beanbag chair she was sat on. 

“What the hell, Dani?” Eleanor scowled looking disgruntled. 

“Harry’s missing––”

Eleanor rolled her eyes. “Yeah I know. He didn’t come home last night––” 

“No you twat! He’s missing  _again_. He came home and Lou found him cutting and then Louis said he loved him and Harry flipped and kicked him out and slipped out the window and down the fire escape!” Danielle all but shouted, earning her some curious glares in her direction. 

Eleanor’s aloof facade cracked a little, just a little, as her eyes widened. And then she back tracked, folding her arms and attempting to hide the moment of weakness. “Well why the bloody hell would Louis tell him he loved him if everyone knows how unstable he is. I mean, it’s not really that surprising that he’d try and off himself, no?” 

_Thwack_. 

Louis and Zayn stood a few feet away by the door, Zayn’s fists were clenched in knots, jaw tight, but Louis had not been paying much attention to anything, too busy lost in his own thoughts, that is, until the loud crack of skin against skin pierced the air. His head snapped up to find Danielle livid, wild hair flying all about her head, and Eleanor, clutching her cheek, looking shamefaced, eyes diverting away from Danielle’s. 

“Don’t you dare talk like that you ungrateful little bitch!” Danielle snapped. “I’m sick and tired of your attitude. I know you’re pissed that your life turned to shit. I know you miss your designer clothes and frappe-fucking-lattes. I know you never really wanted to become an exotic dancer and work for sketchy men. I know! Do you think I wanted this life?” Danielle’s voice broke, and she swatted a loose curl out of her face. “I didn’t! I don’t. But you know, sometimes people are dealt a shitty hand in life. That doesn’t mean we’re entitled to sit around and mope about it and act like a bitch to everyone. Harry’s had the shittiest life of all of us. And have you ever once seen him complain––”

“Dani, I––”

“ _Have you once?_ ”

“No!” 

“He needs us. He’s our friend. And I know underneath all of this,” Danielle gestured up and down at Eleanor, “you care. So please, help us find him. We can’t find anyone else. Everyone’s working, just––please.” 

And Eleanor was not selfish enough to refuse.

After the matter was settled, the pairs set off, Danielle and Eleanor covering the areas closer to Lego House, while Zayn and Louis branched out farther, venturing to the other side of town, checking around Paradise and Louis’s flat and Starbuck and Nandos. The clock ticked away, minutes bleeding into hours. Louis tried not to think of the time. He tried not to think that every minute they didn’t find Harry was another minute he could be moving farther and farther away. And he absolutely did  _not_  allow him to think of the other possibility, the possibility that they had let  _too_  much time pass, that perhaps he was already gone for good. 

It was about 1:30 when they made it into Nandos, and explained the situation to Niall, who had been left in the dark since the morning when Zayn had left him to rush to the flat and open the door for Louis. 

“Why didn’t you com sooner! I would’ve helped,” Niall said, tugging at his apron. 

“You’re working,” Zayn said weakly. “And––well, we didn’t think he would have gotten too far. But––” 

“I’m helping,” Niall said firmly, tossing his apron onto the counter in a heap. 

“You’ll get in trouble,” Zayn said, reaching back for Niall’s apron. 

Niall spun around and raised a brow. “Do you  _not_  want me to help?” 

“No, of course we want you to help! We need all the help we can get––” 

Niall silenced Zayn with a kiss and then playfully slapped his cheek. “Then stop talking and lets go.” 

***

By three o’clock they had combed through most of London, Liam, Josh, Sandy, Matt, Aiden, Cher, and Mary having been recruited in the past hours. Harry was no where to be found. Not one person had seen him wander the streets of London that day. Not one. He had just vanished, like a ghost, evaporated into thin air. Louis’s anxiety had reached crippling levels by now, his nails were bitten to nubs, his hair was damp with sweat, and he was shaking. They were all sat in the foyer of Lego House, gathered together, their hopes dwindling away, the flame that kept them going slowly burning out. 

And then there was a noise, and suddenly there was hope. The door knob was jiggling, twisting. And then the door opened. For one second they all held their breaths, suspended in silence, and then in stepped Rebecca, with Lily attached at her hip and little Karl holding her hand. Their heads fell and Louis quickly looked away so the other would not see the tears roll down his cheeks. 

Meanwhile, Rebecca surveyed the ragtag group congregated in the foyer, eyes darting around to their sunken faces. “What’s going on? What’s happened?” she asked, shooting sharp looks at both Zayn and Danielle, demanding an explanation. 

“Harry’s run off,” Zayn said quietly, his voice tired of recounting the story. 

“Again,” Eleanor added, remembering her own mistake. 

“He came back and then ran off again. And it’s bad this time,” Danielle clarified. 

Rebecca’s eyes beseeched for more answers, but quickly darted towards the kids, and Danielle nodded, understanding. “He um, he was doing that thing he used to do a while ago. And Louis found him in the bathroom, um, doing it. And he helped clean him up. And then he said he loved him. And Harry freaked and kicked him out and then escaped through the window.” 

Rebecca’s eyes were shiny and wide. “When did this happen? How long has it been?” 

“He left probably around 9:30. So about six hours ago. We’ve looked all over London. Literally everywhere we could think. No one’s seen him.” 

It was silent for a moment. And then a small voice pierced the still atmosphere in the room. “I have.” 

A dozen sets of eyes trained on the little girl in Rebecca’s arms. Her mother looked down at her with creased brows. “Wha’d you mean, Lily?” 

“I seen him,” she said simply, though she offered no further explanation. 

“When did you see him, sweetheart?” Danielle pressed gently. 

“At the park,” she chirped. 

“The par––But we checked there!” Louis cried, jumping to his feet. 

Danielle placed a steadying hand on Louis’s shoulder while Zayn tuned to Rebecca. “When were you guys at the park?”

“Oh, I, um. Around ten this morning,” she replied quietly, glancing up at the clock. It was now nearly four o’clock. 

“Fuck!” Louis swore, his fist colliding with the nearest wall. 

Everyone started, Lily and Karl burying themselves closer to Rebecca. 

“Lou…” 

“He could be dead,” Louis said breathlessly.

“He’s not dead, Louis,” a small voice said. “I said I seen him, remember?” 

Louis hiccuped. “I––I know, love. But, w-we need to find him.” 

“He took the bus!” Lily exclaimed, eyes lighting up. “He was at the bus stop next to the park and I seen him and walked to the fence when mummy was chasing Karl.” 

“Lily,” Rebecca breathed. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this?” 

Lily shrugged her tiny shoulders and pressed her lips together in a little line. 

“Well, what’d he say to you?” Rebecca prompted. 

“Oh, um,” she place an index finger to her chin, scrunching up her face in thought. “Well, I axed him why he was at the park and he pointed to the bus sign and said he was waiting for the bus. And then I axed where he was going and he got all serious faced like this––” Lily pulled a face trying to imitate what Harry’s supposedly looked like. “And then he said he was going on a holiday and I axed to where and he said ‘somewhere happy.’ He looked sad so I told him to have fun in his happy place. And then the bus came and he gave me a kiss and left.” 

Everyone was silent for a moment, taking in little Lily’s words. She was too young to understand the underlying meaning of Harry’s words. Louis stood entranced, lost in his head, gripping the back of the sofa for support. Harry had taken the bus to God knows where over  _six_   _hours_  ago. All that time they spent running around London, and he probably hadn’t even been in the city at all. _He could be anywhere._  

 “We’ll find him,” Zayn assured. 

Louis started, not realizing that he had spoken his last thought. 

“What if it’s too late,” he whispered. 

“We’ll find him.” 

***

Twenty minutes later they were in Zayn’s tiny car on the road to Manchester. It happened so fast, one moment Louis was standing distraught in the middle of the living room, and the next Zayn was hanging up his mobile and dragging Louis by the arm out the door. 

“What are you doing? Where are we going?” Louis called, his voice raspy, throat feeling all scratchy and rough from all the day’s crying. 

“We’re going to find him,” Zayn all but yelled back as they stepped out into the middle of the busy street. 

“But we don’t even know where to start. He could be anywhere,” Louis shouted back over the din of traffic.

“I was just on the phone––move out of the way!––with the bus station. I got the bus schedule from this morning, the last stop was the train station. Harry’s running away, we know that. So he obviously hopped on a train,” Zayn explained rapidly, pulling them out of the road and over to his car. 

Louis was breathing hard, nearly having just been run over, and also because, well, Harry. “But, but…he could still be anywhere,” Louis squeaked. 

“Not quite. I called the train station too––”

“Jesus where was I during all this?” 

Zayn gave a half-hearted smile. “It’s okay, mate, you were in a bit of a state. Anyway,” Zayn opened the car door and slipped into the drivers seat. Louis followed suit and sat down beside Zayn, both quickly slipping on their seat belts before Zayn ignited the engine and continued to speak. “I called the train station and asked which trains left within the hour that Harry’s bus would have arrived at the station. And there was an ten forty-five train to Manchester. About fifteen minutes after he would have arrived at the station.” 

Louis blinked, not quite following. “Manchester?”  _Why would Harry go to Manchester?_

“His sister goes to school in Manchester,” Zayn replied, his attention focused on backing off the curb and into the road. 

“Oh.” Louis stared straight ahead, mind reeling.  _Why didn’t he know that? Such a simple thing, and he didn’t know?_  His stomach clenched uncomfortably as the question formed in his mind.  _Did he really know Harry at all?_

Zayn seemed to be on the same brainwave as him though. “Hey, don’t sweat it, yeah? Harry’s…well he’s Harry. And sometimes he hides the most from the people he really cares about. He’s got this whole protective thing. It’s…yeah.” 

Louis continued to stare straight ahead. “Yeah.” 

And then it was quiet and they drove through London. London with it’s ever-constant hustle and bustle. London which knew nothing of the tragedy unfolding in the life of Louis. London which kept on functioning, not even realizing that one of it’s residents was missing. Because maybe in the grand scheme of things Harry Styles really didn’t matter. But in Zayn’s small car Harry Styles was the only thought on either of the boys’ minds. In Lego House, Harry’s absence was a giant gaping hole. On the small scale, to a select few, Harry Styles was very important, and very much missed. 

That’s the thing about life, Louis thought to himself as they neared the outskirts of the city, life is so complicated and full of so many people. And while one person can feel completely insignificant in in the grand scheme of things, they will always be important to someone, whether they know it or not. Harry felt insignificant, Louis knew that. And he had been trying, everyday, to make Harry see that he  _wasn’t_. But maybe it wasn’t enough. Maybe Harry had felt insignificant for too long, that he had failed to notice that he did indeed matter. Maybe when the whole world forgets you exist, uses and abuses you, degrades you, maybe that’s when you stop believing that people can still actually love you. Maybe that’s what happened to Harry. Maybe Louis’s efforts never stood a chance. 

“It’s too quiet,” Zayn said, his voice clear and crisp, slicing through Louis’s thoughts, bringing him back to the car, back to reality. “Push that tape in?” Zayn asked, keeping his eyes on the road as he made a turn while gesturing his hand towards the ancient cassette player where a white little tape was sticking out of. 

Louis obliged, though he wasn’t too sure he was in the mood to listen to music of any variety.

“It’s a mix Harry made for me,” Zayn explained, somehow sensing Louis’s reluctance. “He loves making mixtapes…on like actual tapes. He thinks it’s cool. Plus our old radio at Lego used to only play cassettes so he would make them for everyone. They’re mostly songs  _he_  likes, he’s likes making us all listen to his favorite songs….” Zayn trailed off, a small smile lingering on his lips. “Sorry, rambling.” 

But Louis didn’t mind. He wanted Zayn to keep talking about Harry. He wanted to know everything about Harry, because it was apparent that there was much still to learn about the boy. And most of all, he wanted to keep talking about Harry because somehow, talking about it him assured Louis that he was still real, still alive, that he wasn’t gone just yet. 

“No it’s fine,” Louis said, waving his hand carelessly. “Harry actually mentioned the mixtape thing to me once…one day when we were lazing around Lego House….” 

It had been about a month ago, just before Liam and Danielle began seeing each other. They’d been sprawled across Harry’s bed, post-sex, curled up nose to nose, having little talks about nothing in particular. It had been a different time then. Harry was happier then. At least, Louis _thought_  he was. Either way, that day they were happy. They had laughed and pecked kissed and talked in quiet, slightly raspy voices. 

“I’m making you a mixtape,” Harry declared, flopping over so that his back was pressed against Louis’s chest. He reached his arms back and felt around for Louis’s hands, before securing them in his own and pulling them forwards to wrap around his middle. 

“Oh really?” Louis asked, cocking his head up and perching it onto Harry’s shoulder. Harry titled his head to the side to meet Louis’s eyes. 

“Yup,” he said slowly, eyes blinking sleepily and a lazy grin tugging on his pink lips, dimples magically appearing on either cheek. 

“What kinda mixtape are we talking here?” Louis inquired, shifting so that Harry was on his back and Louis propped up on his elbow, head in hand. A smile of his own stretched across his lips because he couldn’t help grinning at how perfect and mesmerizing Harry looked lying beneath him. 

“Oh you know, standard mixtape,” Harry hummed, caressing his thumbs over Louis’s hips in tiny little circles. “Totally cliche really. Songs that remind me of you, that sixteen-year-old-with-a-crush type of bullshit.” Harry flashed another dazzling smile. 

“So you have a crush on me now?” Louis smirked, arching a delicate brow. “Of the sixteen-year-old variety?” Louis crinkled his nose. “Doesn’t that make me a bit of a pervert?” 

Harry rolled his eyes. “Shu’p,” Harry said through a throaty laugh, adding a playful smack to Louis’s bum. 

Louis’s eyes widened, his lips twisting into a filthy smile. “Oh, I see how it is,” he said in a very seductively low voice before diving down an sucking a purple bruise to Harry’s neck. 

The rest of the days events was a blur in Louis’s mind now. The memory almost seemed like a dream. It was scary, but he couldn’t properly remember the good times anymore. That was another things about life Louis was learning. Life had a way of amplifying the bad to blur out the good. But the good times with Harry had been the best of his good times ever. And Louis would fight to hold on to those memories if he had to. 

The cassette tap clicked into the slot and a few moments later the first song began to play. Louis tipped his head back and let his eyes fall shut. He could feel Zayn glancing over at him, but he didn’t care, because this tape was Harry, the very essence of Harry. 

_Remember the time you drove all night, just to meet me in the morning,_ the voice of Conor Oberst crackled through the speakers. But all Louis could see was Harry, singing from far away, from where ever he was, singing to Louis. 

_I promise I’ll meet you soon,_  Louis vowed.  _Very soon_. And once again, as if connected by mystic, telepathic means, Zayn sped up just a bit more. 

***

The mixtape progressed and they continued to drive. Each song reminded them of Harry, because how could they not? He had hand picked them after all. And in a way it was like he had meant for them to listen to the tape, together in the car like this, all along. Of course he could have never known that they would in fact be in Zayn’s car, traveling the four hour drive to Manchester, listening the the mixtape. But still, at times it felt like Harry was trying to tell them, through the songs, just how he felt, and so Louis couldn’t help relating each song back to Harry in some way. There was pain and sadness in some, and happiness in others. Some were completely random, songs that were just meaningless and fun, songs that Louis could picture Harry dancing to with his horrible dance moves, arms flailing over his head as he stomped his feet down on the living room floor of his flat. 

A happy song switched to one more somber, and Louis looked over to Zayn, Zayn who’s eyes were trained on the road, expression unreadable, bearing all his thoughts and feelings silently. Louis watched Zayn longer than maybe he should have, but neither boy particularly realized. Louis wondered sometimes about Harry and Zayn. Aside from Danielle, Zayn was Harry’s closest friend, his confidant. And there was a story there, one that Louis did not know, and never had asked about. It never seemed important, just like the stories of how Liam and Niall had come to be Louis’s friends weren’t particularly important. But now in the car, Louis wondered. He wondered if there was more to the story than just two people meeting and becoming friends. Because Harry was complicated, never just one layer, and he and Zayn had worked together as prostitutes, they’d moved into Lego House together after living on the streets together. One had to wonder…was there ever something more than just friendship? Neither had ever insinuated that there ever had been, but in the car Louis wondered. 

“What’s up, Louis?” Zayn asked a long while later, after Louis had been staring for quite some time. Zayn’s eyes remained on the road and his hands firmly gripped the wheel, not daring to break concentration, the road was his lifeline, staring ahead was the only thing keeping him from breaking. 

“I––nothing,” Louis coughed, finally tearing his eyes away and shaking out his fringe. 

“Just tell me,” Zayn said wearily. 

Louis debated the question in his head for a moment, figuring out just how to phrase it. “I was just…I was wondering,” Louis said slowly. “About you and…Harry.” Harry’s name sent a shiver down Louis’s spine. It almost scared him to hear it. He didn’t quite know why. 

“What about me and Harry?” Zayn asked, not really understanding. 

“Well, were you two ever…?” 

“No,” Zayn said quickly, voice firm. 

“Never?” Louis whispered. “All that time together before Lego…?”

“Louis, are you a fucking masochist or what?” Zayn snapped, slapping his hands against the steering wheel and finally tearing his eyes off the road to face Louis. His brown eyes were wrought with confusion and pain and concern and wonder. 

“I just was won––you know what, never mind.” Louis turned away, back towards his window and Zayn’s eyes returned to the road. 

“No, you weren’t ‘just wondering,’ Louis,” Zayn refuted. “You want to hear something that’ll hurt you. Talk about self-harming,” Zayn scoffed, (he was being an ass, he knew he was). “You may not be slicing yourself up with a razor, but you want to be hurting in some way. Because you feel like shit because Harry feels like shit and you want to hurt now too. You love him so much and you want to hear something that’ll make it seem like your love isn’t all it was cracked up to be. You want me to tell you that there was something between me and Harry so you can convince yourself that you weren’t anyone special. Because Harry could be dead right now, and you feel like shit, and you want to lessen the blow. You want to feel unimportant so that it won’t hurt when we find him!” Zayn’s chest was heaving. His face was red from the screaming, and Louis only dimly registered that they were no longer driving, but parked on the side of the road. Zayn and Louis stared at one another, eyes locking across the small space between them, the air completely still, but for Zayn’s steadying breaths and the quiet hum of music––Colly Strings, Manchester Orchestra Louis notes in the back of his mind, something Harry had played quiet often. 

Louis knew Zayn was right. Of course he was right. “Fuck you.” The truth hurts. 

Louis turned away from Zayn, eyes fixing on the cars zooming past them. 

“You know it’s true.” 

“Yeah well.” 

“And it’s bullshit too,” Zayn said, shifting in his seat. “To think you’re unimportant, I mean.” 

Louis turned his head wearily back towards Zayn. “What exactly are trying to accomplish here?” Louis asked, a ghost of smile on his lips. 

Zayn rolled his eyes and shifted some more so that his whole body was turned toward Louis. “I want you to be okay. I don’t want you to…to blame yourself for this. It’s not your fault Harry came undone like this. I don’t want you to think you meant less to him just because he kept secrets from you.” 

“Why do you care so much?” Louis muttered softly, eyes not quiet meeting Zayn’s. 

Zayn sighed. “You’ve got to stop making yourself seem unimportant, Louis. I care because…because we’re friends. You’re Harry’s boyfriend. And Harry’s my best friend. And Niall’s your best friend. And Niall’s my boyfriend. And without you I would have never met Niall. And you paid for my spicy chicken wings at Nandos the other night, and I lent you my car that one time. And there are just too many things binding us together, man. How could I not care? I’d be a right dick if I didn’t care.”

“You kind of were being a dick anyways––“

“But a  _caring_  dick.” 

“Right.”

“Louis, Harry does love you. Okay?” Zayn assured. “I’ve never seen him happier than when he’s with you. I’ve never seen him care about someone the way he cares about you,” he went on. “You don’t see him when you’re not around. You don’t listen to him recount every fucking thing you do when you’re together. I can’t tell you how many times he’s kept me up over tea blabing about some cute thing you did. And it was worse in the beginning, the very beginning. Because he was, you know, very hands off on the whole love thing. He wouldn’t have it at all. But he would subtly mention you. Say stuff like he thought you were fit or that you’d be a proper good shag, yeah? But even then I could tell, it was  _different_. It’s always been different with you. Since that very first day when you woke up on our couch and found me naked in the kitchen, I knew you were different. Because Harry’s never, ever had anyone stay over at ours. Not ever. And least of all a stranger. You were the first, Louis. And the only.” 

Louis let Zayn’s words sit between them for a moment. The track playing through the speakers ended, and for a few seconds there was nothing but silence. They stared at each other and there were no words that either of them could think to say. Zayn was right, Louis knew that. Realizing Harry had been keeping so much from him really shook him up. It made him feel insecure about himself and their relationship. And it was stupid, just as Zayn said. It was stupid because Louis knew better. He knew Harry loved him, even if he couldn’t express it in words. 

The trumpets of Little Talks began to sound through the speakers, cutting the silence, and both boys seemed to exhale in that moment. “We should get back on the road,” Louis said, clearing his throat and nodding his head forward. 

“Right, yeah,” Zayn nodded 

The rumble of the engine brought them back to reality, a reality that should have had them panicked, a reality that should have scared them. But they were too numb to properly  _feel_  it. Harry had every intention of dying when he left, they knew that. And they were acutely aware of the time ticking away and that with every minute that passed, the chances of Harry still being alive decreased. These thoughts should have had Louis and Zayn in hysterics, but Zayn remained focused with his eyes locked on the road, and Louis wrapped himself up in a thick blanket of denial that shrouded him from the gravity of the situation.  _Harry was okay, Harry was okay_. 

They were now at least a good twenty minutes behind. More time that pushed them further and further away from Harry. Their four hour journey to Manchester now became four hours and twenty minutes, and as traffic began to slow their pace time continued to elapse. Louis kept his eyes on the landscape that seemed to move with them, never changing, conveying the feeling that they really weren’t getting anywhere. Zayn’s eyes were glued to the road, he couldn’t look at Louis, he couldn’t let himself  _think_  about anything at the moment. Just the road, only the road. Another half an hour ticked by and seven songs came and went before either boy spoke again. 

Zayn slowed the car and Louis’s head snapped up, suddenly aware of the change in speed. He glanced straight ahead to see a sea of red tail lights stretching out as far as he could see. The track on the tape changed to something seemingly upbeat, and Zayn instantly snapped his attention to the radio. Louis glanced up at Zayn, eyes wide and concerned as the boy squirmed uncomfortably in his seat. His expression looked pained, brows creased and lips drawn together in a tight frown. “You okay?” Louis asked, leaning forward towards Zayn. 

Instead of receiving an answer, Zayn’s hand darted out, lowering the volume and drowning out the song’s lyrics. 

“What’s––“ 

“I should have told you,” Zayn blurted out. “ _Fuck!_ ” His fists collided with the wheel sounding the horn and causing Louis to jump. 

Louis sucked in a breath, his heart hammering as Zayn burst into tears. “Fuck, Louis, I could have stopped this. I knew I was right, I knew I was. But I––I…” Zayn furiously swiped away his tears but it was no use because they just kept coming. “He told me everything was fine and I’ve always been able to tell…tell when he lies, but, he––I was right. I should have never believed him. Of course I was right. How could I be so  _stupid?_ ” 

Once again his hands smacked down against the wheel and his body shook with fresh sobs, and Louis sat frozen, confused and at a loss for words. 

“Louis.” Zayn’s voice was pleading, but Louis did not understand. 

“What are you talking about?” Louis asked steadily. 

Zayn wiped at his eyes with fumbling fingers. “A few weeks ago, just before the f-fire….” Zayn sniffed and took a gulping breath. When he spoke again, his voice was steadier. “Before the fire, Harry had been working a lot, every night…” 

“Yeah I remember,” Louis said, that week jumping out clearly in his mind. He’d hardly seen Harry in the evenings. But the times they  _had_  spent together Harry had seemed quite happy. Maybe  _too_ happy to be genuine, Louis mused, thinking back.

“Right well at the end of that week rent was due, and when I asked Harry for his portion he said he didn’t have it. And I mean it’s not about the money it’s just…he’d been working  _so_  much. I––something just didn’t feel right.”

“What do you mean?” though Louis had an inkling of where this was going. His stomach clenched uncomfortably, waiting for Zayn to speak what he was already certain was the truth. 

The sea of cars moved a minuscule amount and Zayn paused a moment to move up with the queue of traffic. 

“It was after he’d been out a while. I went searching through his room and I found a wad of cash stowed away in one of his drawers. He came home and I asked him about it but he looked me in the eyes,  _swore_  it was just money he’d been saving up. Said he wanted to buy you a gift. Bullshit. I should’ve seen right through it. He was all beat up too. Said it was just ‘rough sex.’ I should’ve seen through it. But I wanted to believe him I––I didn’t want it to be what I suspected.”  

“Which is?” Louis pressed, though he knew, he knew and had suspected ever since he saw Harry get in that car with the strange man that wasn’t Steven. 

“He’s got a pimp.” 

Louis let out a whimper and slumped back into his sear. His mind replayed everything, all the nights Harry had come home battered and bruised. All the times Harry had made up quick excuses to leave. All the nights Harry worked even though Louis could never understand why he still did it when Zayn had enough money to support the both of them on his pornstar salary. All the nights Harry appeared at Louis’s door looking broken and yearning for something more. It all clicked, it all made sense. Everything fell perfectly into place. And Harry’s broken face swam in Louis’s head. His tear streaked face and watery eyes. His trembling lips and shaking hands. The night of the fire came back in stark clarity, their row before Harry had run off. Harry had needed him, he’d come to him searching for that something more that he was always searching for with Louis. He’s begged and pleaded for kisses. And Louis had neglected him. He’d let him break. 

Louis felt sick. His throat felt tight, like he couldn’t breath. He mentally kicked himself for having been so oblivious and so careless and  _stupid_.  He had been right to worry all those times; he should have never stopped worrying. He should have pestered Harry further with questions. He should have been there for Harry, he should have never neglected him, even if it had only been the one time. He should have noticed things were not right. But he hadn’t noticed. He had been blind to all of it and now Harry had finally cracked and he was God knows where, possibly dead, and Louis wanted to scream. 

“And that guys I saw him with the night of Dani’s party…” Louis managed to say through gritted teeth.

“Probably,” Zayn whispered. 

“And I just let him go!” Louis’s voice rose to a strangled cry. His mind began to whirl. He should have stepped in and saved Harry. He should have followed the car and beat up the guy. He should have called the police. He should have told Zayn and the others. He should have done _something_. 

“Louis, this isn’t your fault,” Zayn assured as if he could hear all of Louis’s spinning thoughts. 

“Of course it’s my fault!” Louis cried. “Who else would have been able to stop all of this? I’m the one that should have realized what was going on. I saw the bruises. I saw the cuts. I saw him deteriorate  _right in front of me._  But I was so  _selfish_. I thought––I thought loving him would be enough to make him better.” 

Louis was an awful mess now, tears and snot mixing and making his words come out broken and nasally. Zayn took this moment to abandon his vice-like grip on the steering wheel and replace both hands on either side of Louis’s shoulders. 

“Louis, I know you feel guilty, but any of us at Lego House could’ve seen the change in Harry’s behavior. We’re just as guilty. But, it was heading this way, whether you or me or Dani or whoever tried to help him. This was bound to happen sooner or later.” 

“Suicide?  _Suicide_  was bound to happen sooner or later? Really, Zayn?” Louis cried, his voice cracking and straining in a way that sounded painful. 

Zayn withdrew his hands and suddenly became very interested in a lose thread on his trousers. “It’s happened before you know,” Zayn murmured. 

Louis let out a puff of breath and threw his arm over the back of Zayn’s seat, twisting to face the boy better. “What’s happened before?” He was exasperated and tired of all of Zayn’s vague little statements. 

“He’s been like this before,” Zayn said, struggling to find words. “He’s been––depressed, suicidal like this before.” 

“Well I figured as much,” Louis said quickly. “There’s usually some sort of history….” 

“It was after his mum died. She––she killed herself, I don’t know if you kn––“ 

“Yeah I know,” Louis replied shortly. He  _did_  know some things about his boyfriend’s life, despite what Zayn seemed to think, Louis thought irritably. 

“Right,” Zayn said quietly. “Well, it triggered him badly. He started cutting and hoarding pills. His sister, Gemma, found out though and helped him through it. His mum’s boyfriend was also abusing him at the time too, it like, gave him this complex. Made him feel worthless or something. And I think––I think the pimp thing triggered those feelings again….” Zayn trailed off, eyes wandering up to look out the window. “I’m really hoping he decided to go to Gemma’s. Maybe let her help him….” 

They fell into silence, sitting in the slow moving traffic. Louis hoped that Harry was with Gemma right now too. There was that awful thought that they could be going the completely wrong way, that Harry could be hundreds of miles away in the opposite direction. Louis thought of all the trains Harry could have possibly taken. He thought of what would happen if they didn’t find Harry in Manchester. 

Eventually the traffic let up and they were on their way again. Time continued to tick away, and their four hour journey had turned to five. They were quiet aware, by the time they got off the exit for Manchester, that Harry had been missing for a total of nearly eleven hours. The odds didn’t look good. But they drove on because it was the only thing they could do. 

***

Manchester University is a quaint little campus where people went quietly about their business and certainly not the kind of place one would encounter two rugged looking men running about frantically, shamelessly approaching strangers and asking them for a ‘Gemma Styles.’ But that’s exactly the sort of thing that happened that night. 

Zayn and Louis approached the main office in the dorm building where a middle aged woman sat behind a desk. The clock on the wall read 9:15pm. They needed to find Gemma fast. 

“Excuse me,” Zayn said, because Louis was suddenly breathless and shaking all over. 

“Yes?” the woman said, lifting her head and glancing up at them through her spectacles. 

“We, er, we’re looking for someone. Gemma Styles? Could you tell us what room she’s in?” 

The woman blinked at them, and then raised a thin brow. “I will do no such thing.” Her voice rose and she appeared to be quite scandalized. 

“But––but––“ 

“It’s an emergency!” Louis choked out. “Her younger brother is missing. We’re friends of his. And we think he may be here. Or that she may know where he could’ve gone! We––Its important! Life or death!” 

The woman pursed her lips. “You expect me to believe that? You look like a bunch of hoodlums!” she squawked. 

“Please,” Louis pleaded. 

The woman sighed. “I wish I could help you but I can’t give out that information––“ 

The office door slammed. “Louis––“ 

Zayn turned from the door to the secretary. “I––ugh––Louis wait up!” 

“I can call her down for you!” the woman called after Zayn, but it was too late, and neither boy heard her. 

“Do you know a Gemma Styles? Where can I find Gemma Styles? Ever heard of Gemma Styles?” 

“LOUIS!” 

“––Gemma Styles?” 

“Louis!” Zayn slowed, chest heaving, and grabbed Louis by the shoulders. “What the fuck?” 

“We––have––to––find––her,” Louis said, through heavy breaths. He was losing it. 

“Calm down,” Zayn said softly. “We’re here. She’s got to be around here somewhere. We’ll find her.” 

“We need to find her  _now_ ,” Louis half sobbed. 

“We will, we will.” 

They continued going around the campus, approaching whoever they could, for the next twenty minutes until finally they happened across a young girl who knew exactly where to find Gemma Styles. After explaining the situation she graciously lead them to the dormitory. 

“She’s right down there. Room 406.” The girl pointed down a narrow corridor on the fourth floor of the dormitory. 

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Zayn said, and he was so excited he planted a kiss on the girl’s cheek. She blushed a furious shade of scarlet and smiled shyly down at her shoes. 

“Good luck,” she said, before turning towards the staircase.

The boys all but ran down the corridor, tumbling to a stop right out side room 406. Then Zayn stuck out his fist and rapped the door three times. 

A few moments later there was rustling from behind the door and then––

“Erm, hello? How can I help you?” A pretty girl with long brown hair stared out at them from the doorway. She was dressed in a simple t-shirt and long blue and white plaid pajama pants.

“Uh, hi. We’re looking for a Gemma Styles?”  

“That would be me.” Gemma stared at them quizzically. “And who may I ask are you? And why have I been graced by your presence at––“ she ducked her head inside for a moment before returning, “9:48 this evening?”  

“Oh, um, hello, hi,” Louis had stopped shaking some time ago, but it was clear that he still hadn’t quite recovered. He toyed with the sleeves of his jumper as he spoke. “Erm I’m Louis, and this is Zayn… and we’re friends of H-Harry’s.”  

Gemma’s eyes widened and her mouth fell open slightly. “Friends of Harry’s? I––” 

“Look,” said Zayn, interrupting. “We have a problem. Harry’s missing. No one’s seen him all day…he ran off…and well, sometimes he just goes off on his own for a while, but…this time’s different. He’s just vanished. Not a word to anyone. And well since it’s serious this time, we were wondering if you’ve heard anything from him. Or if he came here? Is he here?” Zayn stood on his tip toes to glance into the the dorm.  

Gemma frowned. “Harry’s missing?” was all she could say. “Who––who are you again?”  

“I’m Zayn––” 

“And I’m Louis.”  

“Right, and how do you know Harry? I’ve never heard of either of you,” she said crossing her arms.  

Zayn’s face crinkled in confusion. “I’m Harry’s roommate.”  

“Really now?” Gemma said eyeing him skeptically. “Because last I heard Harry was living in London with his mates William and James.”  

“I––God, does she really not know?” Zayn said turning to Louis. 

“Not know what?”  

Zayn sighed. “It’s not important right now. Have you heard from Harry or not?”  

“Hold on, what don’t I know?” Gemma held up a hand. She pointed between both boys. “You two are going to tell me exactly what’s going on here.” 

“Can we come in?” asked Zayn. 

“Why?”  

“Because there’s a lot of explaining to do.”  

Gemma stared at them for a moment before nodding and holding the door open. The two boys strolled in and plopped down on a tiny sofa.  

Gemma followed behind them and took the armchair in front of them. “Alright then, explain.”  

Zayn huffed. “Where to begin…Um…”  

“Why don’t you tell me how you met Harry?” Gemma suggested.  

“Well…” Zayn licked his lips. “I have a feeling there’s a lot you don’t know. So…I think I’ll start from the beginning.”  

Louis eyed Zayn curiously. The beginning. There was a lot  _Louis_  didn’t know either. This would be…interesting.  

“So,” Zayn began, clearing his throat. “when Harry first moved to London, after the two of you escaped from your mom’s ex, he uh…he started working at this club called Babylon as a Go-Go boy.” He paused and glanced up to gage Gemma’s reaction. 

Gemma’s eyes widened a bit but she said nothing and Zayn went on. “But he was low on cash, homeless, so he started hustling.”  

“Hustling?” Gemma interrupted.  

“Yeah, you know, he was a hustler,” Zayn said tentatively. Gemma still didn’t comprehend. “A–-a prostitute.”  

“Harry?” asked Gemma quietly, not quite believing her ears.  

Zayn nodded.  

“Why––Why would he do that? If he needed help he could’ve come to me. He could have stayed with me.”  

Zayn gave her a sad smile. “You know how Harry is. He’s always too busy trying to protect other people. The last thing he would want is to burden you. Especially after you took care of him for so long,” he said quietly.   

Louis sat listening, feeling a bit like an outsider. He knew about Gemma taking care of Harry, and their mother’s abusive boyfriend, but it still felt like he was the least informed in the room, despite Gemma not knowing so much about Harry.  

“Well if you’re his friends, why didn’t you stop him? Why did you let him do this?” Gemma said suddenly.  

“Well,” Zayn began. “How else do you think I met him?” 

“What?” 

“We met through the job of course.”  

“You mean you’re a  _prostitute_  too?”  

“Yep,” Zayn chirped. “Well…ex prostitute, actually. I mostly just do porn now.”  

Gemma pinched the bridge of her nose letting out a hysterical laugh. “I cannot believe this. I actually cannot believe this right now. Here I am talking to a pornstar who’s telling me that my baby brother is not only a prostitute but also missing and––” She snapped her head up and turned to Louis. “Are  _you_  a prostitute too?”  

“Nope. I work at Starbucks,” Louis grinned. 

“Oh good, Starbucks,” she murmured. “So how did  _you_  meet my brother?”  

“Erm…” Louis scratched the back of his head. “He uh, saved my life from these two drug dealers. And then I fell in love with him.” Louis kind of couldn’t believe what he’d just said. It sounded like suck a bizarre story out loud.  

Gemma blinked rapidly. “Fell in love with him? So Harry’s gay now too? I mean, it’s not a problem or anything it’s just––I never knew.”  

“Huh,” said Zayn, “I thought that was always apparent. Like are you really his sister or––?” 

“Zayn,” Louis hissed. 

But Gemma smiled, and then quickly rose to her feet. “Okay, we need to find Harry though.” She had suddenly switched over into action mode. “You have to tell me everything you can about when you last saw him. How he looked, how he sounded, things he said to you, everything.”  

“Well,” Zayn said quietly. “He was kind of in a really bad place actually.”  

“He––I––I found him cutting himself early this morning,” Louis recounted, voice trembling. “He’d been gone for two days. We went out looking for him everywhere. And then he came home when Zayn and I had gone out to breakfast. I found him. He broke down. And I told him I loved him but he was…he lost it. He threw me out. Climbed out the fire escape. I….”  

Zayn placed a steady hand on his shoulder. “We were able to find out that he took the bus to the train station at around 10:30 and probably got on the train to Manchester that was leaving at the time. I figured he might’ve been coming to see you. But––“  

Gemma bit down on her lip, her eyes glistening with tears. “He’s been…suicidal?”  

Both boys nodded solemnly. “He’s been…having a rough time,” said Zayn. “We think…we think he may have a pimp who’s been beating him up and stuff. I––I think it’s triggered him…made him remember––“ 

“Ralph,” Gemma said in a shaky breath. Louis stared at her lost. “My mum’s ex boyfriend,” Gemma clarified. Then she let her eyes fall shut and for a few short seconds there was silence. And then, “I know where he is,” Gemma whispered suddenly, silent tears streaming down her face.  

Instinctively, Louis reached out to dry Gemma’s tears, but Gemma wiped them away herself.  

“Tomorrow’s the three year anniversary of our mum’s death,” she said quietly. “He’s always visited her.”  

***

The three of them silently crammed into Zayn’s tiny, beat up car. The Scientist played and Gemma said it was one of her favorites and Louis tried not to cry because the song reminded him of Harry and Zayn’s knuckles turned white against the steering wheel and his eyes stayed fastened on the the road and it was silent save for the music and the occasional directions from Gemma.  

They drove to the little town of Holmes Chapel in Cheshire, England. The tiny town that saw Harry grow up. The tiny town that had been Harry’s whole world for sixteen years. Back to beginning. The very beginning. Back to the start of everything. And Louis tried not to think of metaphors. He tried not to think that when the tape got stuck on The Scientist and played five more times between Manchester and Holmes Chapel that it was some sort of musical sign. He tried not to think of the lyrics, tried not to think of going back to the ‘start’ only for it to be the end. He tried not to think that Holmes Chapel had seen Harry enter the world and wonder if it would also see him leave it. He tried not to think at all.  

The clock continued to tick away. Ten thirty quickly became eleven. Traffic slowed down the commute that should have been under an hour. An accident just before Holmes Chapel set them back even more. They passed the flashing lights and ambulances and mangled cars and Louis wondered how many people God could save in a night. And he selfishly prayed for Harry.  

The time flew away and it was 11:55 when they entered Holmes Chapel. The houses where all dark, blinds drawn, lights out. Silence all around. Knutsford Road. That was where the little town cemetery was located. Zayn twisted and turned down the narrow roads. The cemetery was supposedly towards the outskirts of town. Gemma directed them, left, right, left, right. Louis’s heart was hammering. His palms were a clammy mess. His heart was in his throat. There was no guarantee he’d even be at the cemetery. He might be in a hotel, waiting for tomorrow. Or dead somewhere. Or staying with a friend.  

But Louis thoughts were silenced as Zayn’s headlights skimmed the cemetery. Anne Cox’s grave was supposedly visible from the road. Louis looked over Zayn’s head to peer out over the dark cemetery. None of them could see anyone there.  

Zayn put the car in park at the side of the road. The clock read 12:01. Zayn cut the engine. “Come on.”  

The three of them got out of the car. Louis dragged his feet over the pavement, his bones almost protesting against going any farther. Zayn held a flashlight in his hand. Louis glanced at it. “Where’d you get that?”  

“Had one in the back seat,” Zayn said tightly. It was understood, now was not a time for talking. With their stomachs in knots they pushed through the cemetery gate.  

Gemma led the way.  

It was two rows in. 

Gemma and Zayn saw before Louis did.  

They made short gasping noises and Louis’s head perked up in attention. 

Zayn’s torch brushed over a mound on the ground.  _Harry_. And then the light was shaking and moving as Zayn and Gemma rushed forward. But Louis was smiling. Harry was okay. He was right there. And he didn’t understand why Gemma was crying or why Zayn was cursing the way he did when he was angry. Louis didn’t understand why they weren’t happy. Harry was  _right there_. Fallen asleep at his mum’s grave, bless him. There were flowers crumbled at his side. His eyes were closed and he looked so…peaceful.  

Louis dropped to his knees, his body somehow knowing before his mind caught up. He pressed his head down, listening for breaths, but there were none. 


	15. For Angels to Die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains triggering material involving depression, self harm, and suicide.

His hands were shaking as he fumbled with the straps of his knapsack. He shoved his jacket into the pack, despite the fact that it was unbearably hot and the need for a jacket seemed ridiculous. In case it rained, he figured. His hands snatched at the last of his money stashed away at the back of his dresser and he threw the bills into the bag as well. Lastly, he darted into the bathroom, his long, slender fingers curling around the two bottles of pills. The incessant pounding on the front door distracted him for but a moment, and then he shoved the bottles into the knapsack and gave the string a final tug before looping his arms through the straps and crossing the living room to the open window. 

The window entranced him for a moment, and he froze as memories crashed back. Packing the same knapsack, jacket, money, no pills though. And the window, the small square in the wall that offered his escape from everything. It had been a cold day in October then. Almost two years ago. He’d left a note for Gemma, telling her he was off to London to live with some friends.  _You can move out now,_  he’d written in sloppy and hurried handwriting.  _You won’t have to worry about me living with Ralph and you can focus on Uni and get a dorm with your friends. I’ll be okay. I’ll call you when I get to London._ He had lied of course about the friends in London, but Gemma had moved out, transferred schools, and Ralph never bothered her again. It was the most Harry could have asked for.  

He snapped back to reality as the pounding on the door grew louder. He ran a hand through his hair trying to calm himself. He could feel the blood pounding in his veins, and his chest heaved and he felt like he was going to suffocate. His legs were shaking all over, bones turning to jelly as he looked down the fire escape. His head was spinning, ‘I love yous’ replaying over and over and razors and blood and bruises and Ralph and his mum and everything was swimming in his head, meshing together and drowning him completely. He needed to get out, he needed everything to  _stop_. A ragged sob slipped through the door, and for a moment everything  _did_  stop. Harry spun his head around and he stared at the door. 

“Harry––please.” 

Harry’s brows furrowed and his face crumbled painfully. He  _wanted_  Louis. But he had been selfish enough. He didn’t deserve Louis, never had. Louis deserved better. Louis would find better. He tried not to think about a broken Louis.  _They won’t find you until it’s far too late_ , he told himself.  _He’ll be okay. He’s strong. He’ll move on_.  _He doesn’t really love you. He ––can’t_.

“Harry!” It was the most painful and tormented cry Harry had ever heard. Louis’s voice cracked as he screamed his lungs out and pounded against the door. Everything rattled as Louis’s fists beat down on the wood. Harry sat frozen, scared, his breaths coming out out in ragged puffs. His body wanted to cross the room but something greater inside him would not allow it. He could not allow himself to cross the room and throw the door open. He couldn’t move. For a good minute he sat on the window sill and cried, full out, fingers knotting into his hair as he shook. He had half the mind just to jump right then and there…but he figured that wouldn’t be quite a pleasant way to die. And he needed to see his mum first. He had to do things right. 

Harry ducked out of the window and climbed down the fire escape before he could change his mind. And then he was walking. Walking and walking, walking on shaky legs and trying hard to keep breathing because the summery air was too dense. Walking to put as much distance between him and Louis and Lego House and everything. Walking with a very clear destination in mind. 

The day was so bright and sunny and it almost seemed unfathomable that anyone could be less than happy on such a fine day. But Harry shook with fear and anxiety and a deep, numbing sadness. Every step he took was wrought with nerves and fear. He was half expecting Louis to come running after him, crying and calling him back up into the house. The other half of him was utterly afraid to be walking out on the street completely alone and exposed, half expecting a car to pull up and take him away again. 

He clenched his hands into fist, fingernails digging into his palms and offering a small form of relief. His feet shuffled along the sidewalk, the sidewalk that seemed to span ahead of him like a yellow brick road, rolling on and on as far as the eye could see. On his right were buildings, on his left the road. People were all around, passing him on the sidewalk and jetting across the street and bustling out of shops, and yet no one seemed to  _see_  him. Had he really become so invisible? All humanity seemed to have been squashed out from him. He felt like a ghost already, walking through the streets of London, hands curled into fists, face blotchy and tearstained. Did no one really notice the boy trembling and crying? Did no one care? Was the world really full of selfish people, people that wouldn’t stop and ask what was wrong to the crying boy? Maybe they thought he was weird because boys weren’t supposed to cry, so society told them. But he was broken, and no one cared. It didn’t matter though, because he didn’t care anymore either. He didn’t blame them. He’d already been told enough times that he was nobody. The only people that seemed to care were the ones that he’d hurt. But all that was going to end soon. Harry wouldn’t be a burden for much longer….

The bus stop was located right next to his favorite park. The park with the old tree and the bench and the playground. The park Louis had taken him to for their picnic date with the sandwiches and apple juice that seemed so long ago. He loved parks. Always had. They provide an…escape. And maybe there was a bit of metaphor and coincidence in the fact that the bus stop that would take Harry away from everything was located outside of a park. That in the end parks really were his escape in more ways than one. 

Harry stood with his back to the park, eyes trained on the shops across the street. He was trying hard to stop the spinning in his head. He felt like he might be sick, his head continued to pound and his eyes were itchy from the crying and his arms burned from the cuts and his feet hurt from the walking. He felt his strings breaking, he felt like he was about to unravel completely and fall to the floor in a defeated heap. An unnaturally cool breeze blew around him and the heavy air felt breathable for but a moment. He squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. A sudden calm washed over him. He smelt flowers. Zayn had once drunkenly admitted that Harry’s hair would look pretty with flowers in it. He puffed out a breath. “I hope they’ll cover me in flowers,” he murmured quietly to himself. 

“Harry!” 

Harry froze, eyes flying open. The tiniest of voices had called his name. But how? Surely he was hearing things now. He wouldn’t put it past him at this point. 

“Harry!” the voice called again. 

He quickly reached up and wiped his face before slowly turning to the park fence to find Lily poking her fingers through the metal mesh. 

“Hey,” found himself saying in a surprisingly steady voice. He kelt down beside the fence, eye-level to Lily. “What’re you doing here, Lils?” His hands shook as he poked at Lily’s fingers. 

“Mama took us to the park!” Lily clapped happily. “She’s chasing Karl though.” 

Harry cracked a ghost of a smile. 

“What’re you doing here, Harry?” Lily asked, tilting her head curiously. 

Harry’s expression suddenly clouded over. His throat felt tight and sticky. He coughed once and pointed to the bus sign behind him. 

“Bus?” asked Lily. “Where you going?” Her little voice chirped so innocently and Harry wondered if she would remember him when she was older. His eyes began to sting with fresh tears threatening to spill over. 

“I’m going on a l-little h-holiday,” he choked out. 

“Where?” Lily pressed on. 

Harry paused for a moment, fishing for a suitable answer. He thought of flower fields and sleeping forever. “Somewhere…somewhere happy.” 

Lily’s face lit up and she snapped her hands for Harry to come closer. “Have fun in your happy place!” she cried, before planting a kiss on his cheek. 

Harry swallowed hard and blinked quickly. He couldn’t form words for fear of crying, and so he simply nodded once. Behind him the sound of the bus’s screeching engines halted to a stop. He quickly pecked a kiss on Lily’s cheek before standing up and waving goodbye. Lily waved with both hands and jumped up and down as Harry climbed up the steps and onto the bus. He shuffled down the isle and took a window seat facing the park. Lily had already turned around though, satisfied with their goodbye, not realizing that she would never see him again. The bus doors creaked shut and a few moments later pulled off the curb and began it’s fifteen minute journey to Kings Cross Station. 

Harry had taken the route hundreds of times before and never thought much of it. But now, suddenly, he was very hyperaware of his surroundings. His eyes remained glued to the window beside him the entire ride. He’s never see these streets again. London looked different today, and maybe it was because Harry was going off to die, or maybe it was because it was too sunny for the first time in ages…But either way  Harry knew he had never seen the city quite like this before. And he was certain he never would again….

At Kings Cross, Harry felt a a ghost pass by him through the front doors. A sixteen year old boy with all the hope in the world, setting out to find his place in the big city….

_Two years ago a 16 year old boy stepped off a train at Kings Cross Station in London. He was mesmerized by the massive station alone. But when he stepped out into the chilly night he was taken aback by the city, lights twinkling, cars buzzing past, pedestrians walking to and fro. There was this rhythmic hum, like a pulse, the city was beating, the city was alive. To the boy, he’d never experienced anything like it. He came from a small town, and from a broken home, and thus hadn’t done much exploring outside of the little town that had been the only home he’d ever known. But this city, this new, wonderful and alluring city, he felt certain he could make it his new home. On that chilly night in October he walked. He walked and walked with no destination in mind, and that was okay, because he had already reached his destination. He was in London, he had escaped. And now anything was possible. He felt hopeful for the first time in a long time. It felt good…_.

The train station felt infinitely smaller now, and it no longer held any magical or awe inspiring qualities. The city outside was bright with sunlight, the world ordinary and exposed, no mysteries to be found cloaked by the night sky. No twinkling streetlights. The air was hot and dense unlike the once cool October air that had graced Harry’s lungs on his very first night in the city. Harry walked up to where the train times were being projected overhead. There was no hope left, the strings were broken, his time was up. Two years ago London has seemed like a glittering fountain of dreams. London had been his escape, but London had failed him, and now it was time to go back, back to the place he had run away from. 

Harry’s eyes scanned the board overhead, looking for the soonest departing train going anywhere in the vicinity of Holmes Chapel. The next train to Cheshire wasn’t leaving for another half hour. Harry couldn’t wait that long. Someone might find him by then. His eyes continued down the list until he rested them upon the information for the next train to Manchester. Manchester wasn’t too far from Holmes Chapel, only about an hour. He had enough money to pay for the two connecting buses that it would take to get from Manchester to Holmes Chapel. And the train was leaving in fifteen minutes. It was his best option. He shuffled over to the queue outside the ticket window, head down and hands jammed in his pockets. People bustled past him on either side, and he drew his arms closer against his body, trying to take up as little space as possible, trying to simply disappear. 

The line dwindled down and Harry shuffled his feet forward every few minutes, eyes never daring to look up. He was trying very hard not to think of anything, his mind going fuzzy blank, his curled fists clenching tighter, nails digging into his palm as he tried to hang on. It was a difficult struggle simply trying to stay in line, a struggle to not fuck everything and walk out into on coming traffic and end it all right there. His soul felt heavy inside his chest, he shoulders sagged with the unbearable weight that his life had become. He felt like he was underwater, drowning but not fast enough….The noises around him had meshed into a garbled, incoherent murmur. Then, a sudden crystal clear voice cut through the din with a sharp, “Next!” and Harry rose his head slowly, as if emerging form the deep watery depths that he imagined dying in. Suddenly the distorted voices fell away, and he quickly approached the window. 

“One ticket for the 10:45 to Manchester,” Harry said quickly, and he even had to force the words out of his lips. 

The lady behind the desk gave him a quick look, pursing her lips in an almost disapproving way (Harry could only imagine what she was thinking of him…he didn’t exactly look great at the moment) before taking Harry’s money and handing over the orange little train ticket. Then she was calling ‘Next’ again, her eyes already traveling to the next person on line, and Harry stumbled away from the window, feeling perhaps even more worthless and invisible than before. People were so cold, he thought numbly as he thumbed away a stray tear. A few moments later he reached the terminal for his train and he plopped down on a rickety wooden bench to wait out the remainder of his time. 

There were people standing around not too far away. And there was plenty of room on the bench, but no on sat down. 

The train arrived some ten minutes later and Harry quickly found a seat all to himself, pressed up against a window. He popped his earphones in and slipped a tape into his beat up walkman and pressed down hard on the play button with his thumb, letting the music wash all thoughts from his mind. He shut his eyes and fell away from the world for some time. 

He dreamed of his mum, talking to his mum, curling up under his quilt and crying into her chest like he’d done as a child. He dreamed of the times before Ralph, before his mum’s depression had taken over, the happier times. He dreamed of his mum singing lullabies and making him tea and smoothing out his hair. It was an alright dream until he walked into his bedroom to find his mum dead in his bed, curled up in his quilt with an empty bottle of pills rolling on the ground. He hadn’t had that dream in ages….

It was many stops later that Harry startled awake, blinking his eyes open and glancing around the train, completely disoriented for a moment. A very small part of him had expected to wake up in his room back at Lego House, tucked under his quilt with Louis hovering over him in the way he did when he awoke before Harry and didn’t want to wake him but didn’t want to leave him either. But it was a stupid thought, Harry told himself. Those days were gone now. 

Harry straightened up in his seat and gave the compartment a proper look. There were a fair amount of people occupying his compartment now and it felt strange. He felt strange and out of place on the train surrounded by so many people in such a small space and yet feeling so completely and utterly alone. To everyone around him, to the rest of the world, it was just a day. It was just a hot and sunny Sunday in June. But to Harry the day held a heavy significance in the way only your last day could. It was strange really, knowing that these next few hours would be his last. Most people don’t know the feeling, Harry thought as he glanced around the train compartment. He looked at the men with their eyes downcast, reading the morning paper, the women idly flipping through magazines or tapping away on their phones. No, he thought, most people do not know when their last day will be.

 And so once again Harry was different. Harry was an oddity. Harry had always been ‘different.’ Or at least long enough to make him feel like he did not really belong anywhere. Since the age of fourteen he had been standing on the fringes of the world, looking on with a painful longing, wishing to be part of the world, wishing to be accepted and loved and wanted. Wishing that he wasn’t the kid with a depressed mum or the guy who’s mum’s boyfriend was beating and raping. Wishing he wasn’t the 16 year old who had to wear fake smiles and convince everyone he was okay. Wishing he wasn’t a prostitute. Wishing he wasn’t constantly used and abused. Wishing he wasn’t a shitty boyfriend to the only person he ever loved. Wishing he didn’t want to kill himself. But all the wishing in the world could not change the fact that Harry did not _fit_. Or at least he  _felt_  like he did not fit. And no matter how many times he tried to tell himself ‘maybe it’ll be okay, maybe you still have a chance,’ a louder, colder voice always shot him down and assured him he was wrong. 

Harry’s eyes wandered back to the window and he squinted at the sudden burst of light as they pulled through a tunnel. The sun was shining but the day felt gray. 

As the ride went on, Harry grew restless. His stomach was twisting with anxiety and there was a sizable lump in his throat that he could not rid himself of. His skin began to itch and he just…he needed a release. When the train finally stopped in Manchester, Harry wasted no time. He was pissed at himself for not packing his razors, but he had foolishly thought he wouldn’t need them, thought he would be stronger. He had underestimated himself, clearly. He’d been fighting it for weeks, convincing himself he was  _okay_  and that this was just a  _one time thing_. And when it became a more frequent occurrence he told himself he could stop it, the he didn’t  _need_  it. But his skin was itching now and he couldn’t even fight it. He was killing himself in just a few hours for godsake and he still felt the need to slice himself open. It was pathetic. He was pathetic. And that, he told himself, was the truth. 

He found a little kiosk in the train station and quickly picked up a pack of razors. They were shiny and  _new_  and his stomach flipped at the thought of how  _easily_  they’d cut him up. He dropped them down onto the counter and the young girl behind the register scanned them without looking up. 

“3.50,” she said, punching in numbers on the register. 

Harry fished around in his pockets and tossed a few bills onto the counter. He needed change so she finally looked up. Her eyes scanned Harry’s face and then drifted to the pack of razors in her hand. Her brows furrowed and Harry knew, he knew what she was thinking. Instinctively his fists clenched to stop his shaking. His nails dug into his palm and he tried to just  _breath_. 

She knew, she knew but she said nothing. The register clicked open and she gave him his change and offered a tight, sympathetic smile, but she said nothing. She didn’t try and stop him. She didn’t care. Nobody cared. And so Harry didn’t either. 

In a tiny stall in the train station toilets, Harry cut. He cut and he felt good, for a moment. But then he looked down at the new marks and felt guilty and horrible. And then he cried, curling into himself and clutching his arm close to his chest. 

He did his best to clean up his arm, but he wasn’t too concerned with appearances anymore. He didn’t care who saw his cuts. Before he’d had Louis to worry about. He’d had to hide his scars so Louis wouldn’t worry. But now no one would worry. 

He shuffled out of the toilets with his head downcast and his hands jammed in his pockets. He walked out of the station and was suddenly hit with a chilly wind. It was colder here than it had been in London. Much colder. He chanced a glance up at the sky and sure enough there were clouds drawing in, an unholy cloud of darkness eating away at the cerulean sky. 

The bus stop was not to far from the stations exit, and Harry found it easily. He waited on a bench once more and he tried not to cry as all the broken pieces inside him fractured further, clenching his fists as if his life were flowing out of his hands and squeezing them shut would somehow keep him holding on for just a bit longer. 

It took forty-five minutes and three buses to arrive at Holmes Chapel. He listened to 11 tracks on one of his many mixtapes, he ate some peanuts that a kind old lady gave him on the first bus, and he thought about a lot. His arm stung and he apologized to himself for not being strong enough and he thought of Louis and good times and those early days of standing outside Starbucks and then going off on adventures after Louis’s shift was over. Simpler times. He almost smiled. 

—

When the final bus stopped, the sky had become completely overcast and the air tasted of coppery rain. Harry pulled his jacket out of his rucksack and slipped it on, crossing his arms over his stomach as a gust of wind shook through the trees and nipped at Harry’s exposed skin. He began to walk and everything suddenly hit him. He was back. He was  _home_. He’d been back since running away…only once, last year  on the same day to visit his mum with Gemma. But they hadn’t stayed in town, they’d left straight away and Harry hadn’t let the memories come back. But now he was alone, no Gemma to distract his thoughts, and those memories buried deep down, memories years old, suddenly resurfaced. It was hard not to remember when there were reminders everywhere he looked. The main road in the village, the park with the lake and the tiny bridge, the high school, the graveyard. Images flickered before his eyes, his life, his old life, flashing in his mind like a movie, watching from a distance. His whole life reduced to just a handful of memories. All those days and hours of going through the motions, hardly any of it stood out, all of it merging into a blur. 

Holmes Chapel was a small town in the most cliche way. It was comprised of one school, many local shops, three churches, and one cemetery. It was a small town with a whole lot of nothing, and for sixteen years it had been Harry’s whole world. In the two years since he’d left almost nothing had changed. Everything looked the same, the houses, the shops, the school. The places were the same, but Harry was was not. He couldn’t tell if he was better or worse. Worse, he decided. Definitely worse. When he’d left he had had hope, he had been escaping, escaping Ralph and the abuse and his mother’s death. But it hadn’t worked. In the end Ralph had found him. Harry’s life had fallen apart, and maybe that had been his fate all along. Maybe London had just been a brief detour in the falling apart. Maybe Louis had been but a short reprieve from all the bad. But in the end, Harry was always meant to fall apart. Because good things just didn’t happen to people like him. He wasn’t anything important. Hell he didn’t even have a proper job. He was just a whore with no home, no hope, no will to live, nothing. Except…He blinked and tried not to think of Lego House. He had put them all in enough danger. He was done hurting people. This was for them….Except…He blinked away tears again and squeezed his eyes shut. He tried not to think of Louis anymore.

He continued walking down the main road, hood drawn up, hiding him away from the few others that walked the street. He went everywhere. It was what he’d come to do after all. To make peace or something like that. He wasn’t even quite sure. He just felt like…like one should go home to die. Home. Something he’d been craving for too long. A place to call his home. He’d run away from Holmes Chapel in search of that, a place to settle down, a place that was warm and safe and happy. And now he was back, and he was still searching. And maybe this was his last hope, to come back and try and find something that he’d missed the first time around. He stopped at all the places that had been his ‘home’. He visited the bakery where he had worked for two years. His old boss wasn’t there, and the teenagers working did not recognize him. The bakery was warm, but it wasn’t  _home_. He walked on, and stopped at the arcade. He’d spent plenty of weekends there with friends, it was  _happy_ , but it wasn’t home. Then there was the diner on the corner where he’d taken his one and only girlfriend, there was the pub down the street where he’d kissed his first boy while piss drunk, and there was the secondary school where he’d skipped too many classes and harassed too many teachers with his friends. He didn’t stay too long around the school…because really who wants to revisit college. Plus he never graduated, he ran away before that. 

Harry walked on winding through the streets of the village until he came to a street full of nice houses and white picket fences. His legs seemed to walk on their own accord, leading him to one house in particular. He stopped in front of a seemingly normal looking house. It was his house. Or what had once been his house. It still looked the same. A little neater, Harry noted, more taken care of. Which made sense because no matter how ordinary his house had looked, it had been anything but ordinary. The new family living inside probably had the time to keep the lawn perfectly manicured and tend to the garden blossoming with flowers. 

Harry stared at the house for a while, eyes traveling up to the window on the far left, the very same window he’d slipped out of two years ago. It was the window that belonged to his bedroom, the same bedroom Ralph had first raped him in and also the room where his mother had died. It didn’t exactly hold the fondest memories. 

That house was not home. Before Ralph maybe. But he had tainted any good memories that house had held for Harry. 

—

The afternoon passed by quickly, time suddenly speeding up in the way it did when one was trying to cherish their final moments. It was just about eight o’clock, and the clouded sky was beginning to turn a smokey shade of grey when Harry stopped at one of the only remaining places left to visit, the park.  _His_  park. It was nothing special, really, it looked like any other small town park. There was a rusted swing set and lots of trees and scattered benches and a tiny little bridge that spanned over a little creek. It was quaint. There were also plenty of places to hide, whether it be behind a tree, under the jungle gym, or somewhere in the bushes. There was always somewhere to sit and quietly escape the world. 

Harry trudged across the grass over to his favorite spot behind a rather large bush and shadowed by a canopy of old, gnarled trees. He stretched out on the ground, laying on his back and resting his head on his arms. Looking straight up there was a window in the trees exposing a perfect patch of the sky. On a clear night, Harry would be able to perfectly see the stars. The constellation Orion always rested right in that patch of sky, and Harry had spent far too many nights staring at the twinkling stars and wondering if he could somehow evaporate into a big ball of light and become another blinding star in the night sky. Harry was fascinated with stars because they seemed so  _alive_. Alive in ways that he was not. He wanted to be a star. 

But tonight there were no stars. The sky was an endless cloud, an endless darkness and not a single light to shine down and offer hope. 

Harry closed his eyes and thought of all the times he’d escaped to this very spot. He thought of the first time Ralph hit him at 14. And how he’d run out and spent the whole night sleeping under the stars, too afraid to go back home. Harry had prayed and hoped that it would only be a one time thing, but the beats never stopped after that. 

On his fifteenth birthday Ralph found out he was gay. He then proceeded to break his nose and then fuck him into the mattress. That soon became a frequent occurrence. His mum never knew about the rapes, but she tried to stop the beats, tried to make Ralph leave. But he was hitting her too, so eventually she stopped trying to fight back. 

Gemma knew everything and tried protecting Harry but there was only so much she could do, and Harry never let her get too close to Ralph when he was angry. Harry preferred to be the one to take all the heat if it meant sparing his mother and sister. He just wanted to keep them  _safe_. 

Despite everything, no one really seemed to notice. They had always been good at keeping up appearances, maybe Gemma a little better than Harry, but either way, no one had realized that anything was wrong at the time. In fact, as far as anyone had been concerned, Harry was just a normal kid. He had friends, he went out on weekends––most weekends––and no one ever noticed the days he would come in to school looking too tired, brows creased and eyes slightly red. No one ever noticed the random bruises that would appear around his neck or arms. No one noticed when he wore long sleeve shirts all through the summer. It wasn’t that his friends were  _bad_  friends for not realizing what Harry had been going through, Harry simply never quite allowed himself to get close enough to people for them to catch on. He had been very good at guarding his secrets, and then in came Zayn, and for the first time everything spilled forward. 

Zayn had been a blunt 17-almost-18-year-old when they’d met, and the first thing he asked was, “Why are you working the corners? Did your daddy fuck you too?” 

Zayn was a lot different back then, Harry thought as he lifted himself from the ground and began to walk again. The ‘too’ in Zayn’s statement had not been referring to himself,  though Harry did not know it at the time. And so, under the impression that Zayn was like him, Harry had quietly said yes. They were both homeless at the time, both working as amateur prostitutes to rake up some cash, both without a single friend in the world. They’re relationship progressed quickly, because they needed each other’s company, and they needed someone to brighten the dreariness of their lives. One night they went to a park (Harry had suggested it), sat under the nonexistent stars, passed a bottle of cheep vodka back and forth, and had a deep heart to heart about everything that had ever happened to them. Well––almost everything. Harry skipped over most of the details, but he painted a broad enough picture for Zayn to understand the general idea. After that night they rarely talked about the past again, and from then on out they only focused on taking care of each other and making sure neither one lost their head. 

They just…fit. Zayn had been his first true friend. And as Harry walked back down to the main road he began to cry again. 

—

Flowercraft Florist was Holmes Chapel’s finest––and  _only_ ––flower shop. It was where all the boys had bought their corsages for prom, where all the husbands bought their anniversary flowers, and where Harry and Gemma had bought their mother’s funeral bouquets. 

The bell above the door jingled as Harry stepped inside the small shop. It was late, Harry realized, and he wasn’t quite sure why the shop was still open at such an hour. 

“ _Harry Styles_?” a man behind the counter inquired in disbelief. Harry glanced up, eyes widening at the sound of his own name. So far he’d gone unrecognized, almost floating though the town like a ghost. He quickly forced on a smile and hoped he looked alright. 

“Hello, Robin,” he said as friendly as possible. 

“What brings you to these parts?” Robin chuckled, walking around the counter. “Here for prom? You’re mates are all graduating tomorrow…been here all night finishing up flower arrangements.” 

Harry smiled a little…a genuine smile, and it almost shocked him, but he was distracted by all the arrangements perched on the shelves and the mental image of Robin putting them all together by himself and going positively mad. 

Robin was a nice guy. He’d made a lovely arrangement for Anne’s funeral, and Harry was pretty sure that at one point in time Robin had fancied Anne. There was a time, just before Ralph came in the picture, where Robin had frequently sent bouquets to the house and once or twice invited Anne out to lunch. Harry always wondered how his life would have been different had Robin dated his mum instead of Ralph. 

“I’m actually here to…visit my mum,” Harry said quietly, replying to Robin. 

Robin, who was watering a pot, suddenly froze. “Oh,” he said quietly, setting down the watering can. “Right.” He smoothed out his apron and turned back to Harry. “Is there…something I can get you?”  

Harry chewed on his lips for a moment, looking around the shop. “I just…I’m not really looking for anything in particular. Just…I want something pretty.” 

Robin nodded. “Okay. Pretty. I think I can do that.” 

Robin set to work putting together a small bouquet and Harry sat on a stool by the counter and watched. 

“So, what’ve you been up to?” Robin asked, breaking the silence. 

Harry tried to think of something to say. “Nothing much really. Been living in London with some mates.” 

“Mhmm. That’s what Gemma said. That must be exciting.” 

Harry let out a mirthless laugh. “Yeah….” 

Robin’s hands stopped moving and he set the bouquet down. He turned his body toward Harry and squinted his eyes. “Harry, you okay? I mean…I know tomorrow and your mum but…is there something else…?” 

Harry swallowed hard and clenched his fists under the floppy sleeves of his jacket. His nails dug in a little and he sucked in a shaky breath. For the first time all day someone was actually asking, someone had actually noticed. And yet he couldn’t bring himself to tell the truth. Maybe he was making a huge mistake by lying to Robin. Robin was a good man after all. Robin could help him. 

“Yeah, no, I’m fine. I’ve been up since four in the morning…and then all that traveling to get up here…exhausting.” Inside, Harry screamed. 

Robin let out a small chuckle. “Oh traveling! It really is a pain in the rear!” He shook his head and picked up the little bouquet. “Well…there you are.” 

Harry smiled gratefully and took it in one hand while his other fished around in his pockets. 

Robin shook his head and held up his hands. “No, no. It’s on me.” 

Harry was about to protest, but Robin wouldn’t allow it. “Thanks,” Harry said. 

“No problem. Take care, Harry. It was good seeing you.” 

Harry nodded and turned to the door. “Same.” 

He pushed the door open and the bells jingled and then he was walking to his final destination. 

—

His watch read 9:08 as he passed through the cemetery gate with the bouquet of tiny purple and white flowers. His mum’s grave wasn’t too far from the entrance so it didn’t take him long to find, even in the fading light. 

He’d been here since the funeral, once with Gemma, exactly a year ago tomorrow, but now that he was alone in the dark cemetery, everything came crashing back. The day had been gray and cold, accompanied by a miserable drizzle in the way funerals seemed to go. Harry and Gemma had dressed nicely, and friends and family and half the town had gathered to say goodbye to Anne. Everyone cried because Anne had been such a lovely woman, and before her depression had gotten bad she had been a ray of sunshine in the little village. Back at their house family and friends gathered together, while Harry went out walking back to the cemetery, staying with his mum all night. When he returned home the following morning Ralph was drunk and far from pleased. He told Harry to forget Anne. He told Harry a lot of things. After the funeral, Ralph never stopped blaming Harry for her death. “It’s because you’re a slut,” he’d say. “She couldn’t bare having you as a son, that’s why she did it.” “You’re a filthy little faggot, she killed herself to get away from  _you_.” 

Harry knew it wasn’t true, he  _knew_. But hearing the venomous words still cut him up inside. So much so that eventually he started cutting his outsides too. Harry leaned against the tombstone, resting his head against the marble. He let out a tiny sigh and tugged his sleeves up. His fingers traced along the fresh cuts. Underneath those Harry could still make out the ones that were two years old. They were so faint and faded that anyone who didn’t know they were there would completely miss them. But they  _were_  there and if it hadn’t been for Gemma walking in on him one night he might have spiraled out of control ages ago. He might’ve followed after his mother much sooner…. 

“I miss you mum,” Harry sighed, pulling his sleeves back down and hugging his arms around his torso. “I just want to be wherever you are…” He sucked in a breath and pressed his forehead against his knees. “Is this how you felt? Trapped inside yourself? Suffocating?” He trembled as he undid the strings of his rucksack. “I don’t blame you for leaving…” he said quietly. “I didn’t…I didn’t understand it at first. How you could just leave us behind. But…” He glanced down at his watch, it was still too early. He let the bottle of pills fall back down into his bag. “I just…I feel like I’ve caused everyone so much pain. Everyone at Lego House…Steven started beating Dani and how did she meet Steven? Through me. Ralph came back and started threatening me…that he’d hurt them all…and then I fucked up and he _lit the place on fire_. They could’ve all  _died_.” Harry was shaking with sobs now. “It’s all my fault, my fault. And Louis…Louis says he  _loves_  me. And now Ralph knows about him, and he’s just going to use him as leverage against me. And if I fuck up he’ll hurt him and I c-can’t let that happen. It’s easier if I j-just go.” 

He curled up into a ball on the soft grass and cried for what felt like a long time. He felt so stupid. He felt like a coward. It all felt like cheating.  He loved Louis, he really did, and he was angry with himself that he never got to have a proper goodbye. And even angrier still that his last intimate moment had been at the hands of Ralph. It made him cringe in disgust, and he wept harder than ever, trying to erase those memories from his mind. The time continued to dwindle down and as the minutes flew away and the end drew near something inside him twisted. Deep in his gut like some sort of final plea he needed…he needed to hear Louis’s voice one last time. 

Before he knew what he was doing, his feet had carried him over to the pay phone down the street. He had just a few cents left, enough to manage one call. With shaky fingers he dialed the number. For some reason he was instantly reminded of the first time they’d exchanged numbers, sat on a park bench. They’d been hanging out all week after Louis’s shifts and Louis had nervously asked for his number because he wouldn’t be working the following day. Harry bit at his bottom lip, remembering how Louis had been the one so unsure of himself and Harry had once been the flirty and slightly cocky one. It all seemed like a dream. 

The phone continued to ring and ring and ring and Harry silently prayed that Louis would pick up. Because he was sure that if he heard his voice again there was no way he’d be able to go through with it. The phone rang one more time and then––

“I’m sorry the number you are trying to reach is unavailable right now––“ 

Harry slammed down on the receiver and ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. Why…why hadn’t Louis answered. There were probably a million and one good reasons, but the one Harry’s brain settled on was that Louis really didn’t care. Maybe…maybe Louis had given up. It was with that thought in mind that he trudged back up to the cemetery. It was 11:38. It was time. 

He’d done the math on the final bus. It would take about twenty minutes for all the pills to kick in. And if all went according to plan, he’d be gone right around midnight, the same day as his mum. 

He carefully unscrewed the caps of the two bottles. Sleeping pills and pain killers. It was time to take his medicine and feel better. He emptied out the two bottles into the palm of his hand and stared down at the little pills. This was…this was it. His whole fate resting in his hand. He glanced back down at his watch. 11:40. It was now or never he decided. And then he knocked back the pills, swallowing hard. He spared a thought for whoever would find him tomorrow. He thought of his old school friends who were out celebrating prom right now. Tomorrow they’d be graduating. He felt bad that his death would fall on the same day. The last thing he wanted was all the attention on him. 

The minutes ticked by faster and faster and soon Harry’s vision began to blur and spot. He shifted to lay on the cool grass and let his eyes slip shut. He wasn’t sure of the time anymore, but he knew he was almost gone. He heard his name, and it sounded like his mum. There were two lights piercing the darkness too. They were a little far off…and almost like headlights. Harry thought that seemed funny. Then he heard a chorus of shouts, all calling his name. So it turned out they were all right about tunnels and lights and angels calling out. Except…he was slipping and slipping into the darkness, following an angel who sounded too familiar…sounded like…. _Louis_. 

 


	16. You Break Me

Louis found himself sat on a hard, plastic chair not quite sure how he got there. He couldn’t quite remember the ride over. He vaguely remembered Zayn cursing a lot, but not much more. The clock on the opposite wall read 1:38, and Louis’s eyes kept drooping shut for a few moments at a time only for him to start awake seconds later. Zayn had walked away to get coffee a few minutes ago. It felt like it had been hours. Time was going by too slow.

When they found him––Harry––Louis had…he had been in a proper state. It took him a few moments to catch on, foolishly letting his mind trick him into believing everything was okay. Everything was not okay. When it finally hit, he screamed. He screamed Harry’s name and cried and made a mess of himself, clinging to Harry’s body, searching for a pulse as Zayn furiously called for an ambulance. The EMTs had wrenched Louis off of Harry, taking the younger boy away into the ambulance. Louis had fought to go along with him but they wouldn’t allow it, saying something about how he wasn’t emotionally stable enough. Gemma had gone instead. 

An hour and a half later and Louis was sat on the bum-breaking chair with little word on how Harry was doing. He wasn’t dead at least, he kept reminding himself. If he was dead he’d know by now, right? 

He ran a hand through his hair and let out a sigh. _Harry won’t die, he won’t_. It was the mantra he’d been singing in his head. It was the only thing he could tell himself.  _He’ll get through it, he’ll find a way_. 

Louis glanced back at the clock, 1:42. Zayn wasn’t coming back, Louis concluded, getting to his feet. He’s been swallowed up by the coffee machine for sure. 

His legs felt like wet noodles and he wasn’t even sure where he was going but he just needed to get up off that godforsaken chair. Walking felt good, it gave him something to do. One foot in front of the other and all that jazz. A distraction, good, he needed a distraction. He needed a…No. He shook himself, clenched his fists and  _no_ , he didn’t need anything else. Deep breaths, in, out. He was strong. Five months clean. He could handle this. Yet all the pep talks in the world still could not stop the itch in Louis’s veins. 

His feet carried him down to the very place Zayn had disappeared to, the hospital cafeteria. It was a brightly lit room (too brightly lit, Louis thought, wincing away from the lights), with white tiled walls and white tiled floors and gray foldable tables with benches attached to them. It looked like the standard hospital cafeteria one would expect to see. It also  _smelt_  like one. A mixture of cleaning chemicals and suspicious macaroni and beef casseroles. Louis made a bee-line for the vending machines on the opposite wall. 

He scanned his eyes over his options, a particularly bleak selection of junk, and he thought to himself that considering the fact that this was a very depressing place where depressing thing happened, they ought to stock up on comfort food. Like belgium chocolate. Or yorkshire tea. Or travel sized bottles of vodka. Louis tried to pretend he hadn’t thought of the last one. He was strong, he could handle this like a normal, functioning human being. Deep breaths. 

After a few moments of deliberation, Louis finally settled on a Snickers bar and a can of iced tea. 

Louis ambled over to a table, not quite ready to go back up to the waiting room and that awful plastic chair. The benches at the tables weren’t any better though, but at least the cafeteria was a _distraction_. It was only after a few moments of staring down his can of iced tea that Louis looked up to notice that there was another person sitting at the table just a little ways  down the bench. It was a man in a tan coat that looked like it once fit him well, but now drooped around his slender frame giving him the appearance of a dried out, wilted flower. The man looked to be in his forties to Louis, sporting an uneven patch of stubble around his jaw and graying flecks in his hair. The man’s hand suddenly darted up to his lips and Louis’s eyes flicked to follow the movement, noticing that the hand was holding a flask. The man let his eyes fall shut as he took a swing. Louis tore his eyes away just as the man’s eyes flew open again and he tried not to think of what was in that flask. He swallowed hard and ignored the clenching in his stomach. The man though seemed to suddenly notice Louis. He eyed him from the other side of the bench and Louis tried to pretend he didn’t notice. 

“And what tragedies brought you here?” the man said suddenly, his words running into each other a bit. 

Louis bit his lip and glanced up, looking towards the man and he wondered what he must look like right now if this stranger could tell that something terrible had happened to him. 

Louis heard the words leave his mouth before he even registered thinking them. “My boyfriend overdosed on pills.” His voice sounded hoarse and foreign, and the words didn’t sound right either. “I mean,” Louis said weakly, “He actually, he tried to kill himself.” There. The truth. Louis felt his insides twist at the sound of the words. Saying it out loud made it seem real for the first time that night. Harry has tried…to kill himself. Suddenly Louis was shaking, his throat constricted and his mind drifted to wherever Harry was right now, wondering if he was okay, it there was any serious damage, if he was only just hanging on. He didn’t realize that the man had slid down the bench until the flask was being pushed under his nose. It smelt like rum and Louis nearly gagged. He’d always hated rum. But he hated the feeling bubbling inside him more. He hated the gripping anxiety. And he’d been holding on for so long, keeping it together all day even when he knew he was losing his grip…and now his final strings of restraint were snapping and he just couldn’t, couldn’t fight off the temptation anymore––

His fingers curled around the flask and something dark and heavy settled in upon his chest weighing him down. It didn’t really matter, he told himself. He’d already slipped that night on the roof with the vodka, what was another trip up anyways? He was fucking entitled. Harry was fighting for his life somewhere and, and––

Louis blinked and looked down at the flask. 

“I got some pills too if you’re not much of a drinker,” the man said, sensing Louis’s hesitancy. Louis’s eyes snapped up to watch as the man pulled out a clear baggy of pills from the inside of his coat. 

“N-no, no,” Louis said quickly, clearing his throat and setting the flask down. Louis slid down the bench, putting distance between himself and the man. Yet his eyes were glued to the baggy. They were small and white and looked like pills he’d taken plenty of times before in the back room of Paradise. They also looked like the same kind of pills that would have filled Harry’s two bottles. Louis’s stomach gave a sudden jolt just then and all he could think was  _Harry_. Harry all alone in the cemetery swallowing all those pills and wanting to  _die_. Louis didn’t want that. Louis didn’t want to die. He…he didn’t want to escape either, he thought suddenly, his feet finding sturdy ground beneath them. He wanted to be…sober. He wanted to be there for Harry…there when he woke up. Louis found himself standing with his jaw set and fists clenched at his sides and he wasn’t quite sure how or when he’d gotten up off the bench, but he was grateful that some parts of him were still working even when the rest of him felt lost in a sea of tangled thoughts and feelings that he couldn’t quite decipher. “I-I’m sorry, I have to…go,” Louis said, before turning on his heel and hurriedly walking out of the cafeteria. 

Louis got about five feet down the hall when he walked right into a brooding Zayn Malik, effectively causing hot coffee to spill over the both of them. 

“ _Shit_ ,” Zayn swore. 

“Ow, ow,  _hot_ ,” Louis hissed. 

“No  _shit_ ,” Zayn swore again, looking down at the mess they’d made. 

Louis’s eyes followed, first taking in the tan coffee stains settling on both their shirts and then down to the quickly spreading puddle. He glanced back up to catch Zayn’s eye and oddly they both cracked a smile before letting out a nervous chuckle. “We should probably clean this up,” Louis said after a moment. 

“Yeah,” Zayn said, though his eyes did not leave Louis, watching him curiously. 

“Well…uh…napkins,” Louis said, gesturing back towards the cafeteria. 

“Right.” 

Zayn followed Louis back into the cafeteria and they each gathered a handful of brown paper napkins that were the kind that Louis knew didn’t absorb shit. On their way out Louis caught the eye of the man with the flask still sitting at the table where he’d left him. He ducked his head low and shuffled out after Zayn. 

They both returned to the puddle of coffee and knelt down to mop up the mess. Tackling the puddle wasn’t easy with the shit-napkins. The puddle was too big and too wet and the napkins were too weak and flimsy and they soaked through and then tore. Zayn began throwing whole stacks of napkins down onto the puddle and Louis tried using some to push the liquid over to the pile of napkins. But the puddle was persistent. The puddle leaked into everything, no matter how hard they tired to quench it. Because the napkins were shit. Fuck the shit napkins. Louis just wanted to mop up the puddle, make it disappear, restore the floor back to its pristine condition, before the puddle had made a mess. But no matter how hard they tried the puddle refused to dry up. Because the napkins were shit. 

“Fuck!” Louis swore as their last napkin soaked through. “Fuck, fuck, fuck it!” He slumped against the wall and threaded his fingers into his hair. He was shaking, why was he shaking? 

“Lou…” Zayn crawled over to where Louis sat against the wall. “Hey…It’s just a coffee. It’s okay.” He placed a hand on Louis’s shoulder and offered a small smile. Louis’s eyes snapped up, wet and red around the edges. “It’s not okay,” he croaked. His bottom lip trembled terribly and two hot tears quickly fell from is eyes. “It’s not okay, Zayn. I can’t fix it. I couldn’t fix it.” 

“Lou––“ 

“I tried and tried and I thought it would just go away but…nothing was enough.” He turned his eyes up to Zayn’s, big and wide and blue and searching. “I’m the shit napkins. I’m the shit napkins and I couldn’t mop up Harry’s puddle. I couldn’t––“

“Louis––“ 

“I’m shit, Zayn, I’m shit!” 

“Louis stop! It’s not you’re fault, don’t go doing this to yourself again. You’re not shit. You’re not responsible for cleaning up Harry’s messes. You’re not supposed to save him. He has to do that himself. He has to want that.” Zayn brought a hand around the back of Louis’s neck and pulled him close, their foreheads touching together. “ _You are not shit_ , you hear me,” Zayn said enunciating every syllable. Louis got a feeling that Zayn had said this before. 

Louis sniffled, chest rising and falling heavily. “I almost…fuck.” 

Zayn pulled back a little and gently prompted Louis with his eyebrows. 

Louis sucked in a ragged breath and let his eyes fall into his lap. “There was this guy in the cafeteria,” Louis began, voice shaking. He picked at a little loose piece of skin on the side of his thumb. “He––he offered me alcohol and p-pills. But I didn’t––I couldn’t…Harry…and I just….But I wanted to?”  

“But you  _didn’t_ ,” Zayn said quietly, a proud little smile playing on the corners of his lips. “So that makes you not shit,” Zayn nodded as if that settled the matter. 

They were both quiet for a moment, Louis’s sobs having quieted down. Louis then looked up, speaking up quietly. “It’s bad, isn’t it? He’s not okay, is he?” 

Zayn sighed and slumped against the wall beside Louis. “Depends on what we’re talking about. We don’t really know how okay he is, physically. But he’s alive. So that could constitute as okay, rather than being not alive…which would be not okay.” Louis let his head fall to rest on Zayn’s shoulder and he listened as Zayn rattled on about all the different ways a person could be okay or not be okay or how sometimes they could be both. “Then there’s mentally…emotionally. And we both know he’s not okay there…He hasn’t been for a while now. But…he’s had some okay moments. Some more than okay moments. A lot of them because of you,” Zayn said quietly, running a hand up through Louis’s hair in a slow motion, the way a mum would do to sooth her child. “So maybe right now he’s just having a not okay moment. Maybe that’s how we should look at it. Not as a big chunk of time and trying to judge if he’s been okay or not okay for the majority of it, but as moments, lots and lots of moments. Some okay and some not so okay. Maybe we can’t judge our lives in big chunks like that. Maybe that’s what makes us think our lives are shit. Because we tend to remember the shit times over the good times. Like you’re always going to remember those brown napkins are shit. But you won’t remember the best napkin you ever used.” 

Louis let out a breathy chuckle. “Those napkins really are shit,” Louis mumbled, kicking out his leg and nudging the mess of limp napkins sitting in the middle of the corridor with his foot. 

——

Louis fell asleep on Zayn’s shoulder, the two of them curled around each other on the hospital floor. They were roughly awoken by a nurse who said they “can’t be sleeping in the middle of the hallway, that’s what the waiting room’s for!” 

And so they quickly found themselves back on the godforsaken plastic chairs. “These chairs are shit too,” Louis commented, trying to get comfortable. 

“Shit napkins, shit chairs, God!” Zayn rolled his eyes. 

It was nice, Louis thought. Everything sucked. He was tired, worried, scared. But so was Zayn. They were currently sharing an impossible bond, and all they really had at the moment was each other, and despite the suckyness of everything, having someone else to crack a joke with was nice. It masked away all the bad things for just a few short moments at a time and made things feel bearable. 

“I’m glad you’re here,” Louis said quite unexpectedly, giving up on the chair and flopping down on the floor with Zayn. 

“I’m glad you’re here too,” Zayn said. 

Louis drew his knees into his chest. “I’m glad you’re Harry’s friend too.” 

Zayn smiled. “I’m glad you love Harry.” 

“I’m glad you love Harry too. In a different way, but still,” Louis shrugged. 

Zayn smiled and then looked down considering something. They were both quiet for a moment and then Zayn looked up. “Louis, can I tell you something?” 

Louis nodded right away. “Yeah.” And there was something that made Louis think Zayn had something important to say. 

“Okay,” Zayn nodded, more to encourage himself to say whatever he needed to say. “God this is a really shit time to be doing this but…I don’t feel like keeping secrets. Especially when they don’t matter.” 

Louis just nodded quietly, waiting for Zayn to continue. 

Zayn bit his lip and then began. “Remember when we were in the car and you asked me if anything had ever happened between me and Harry?” 

Louis nodded mutely, because well, he already knew where this was going. 

“Well we did sleep together. A few times. It was kind of…a desperate thing. We had both been in bad places at the time. And we…It’s like…” Zayn sighed and dropped his head between his knees. “It’s hard to explain the feeling. Feeling detached from everyone else. Feeling lonely and unloved and not…not good enough.” Zayn coughed and Louis pretended not to notice him wiping his eyes. 

“You don’t have to explain it,” Louis croaked. “I––I think I can understand.” 

Zayn nodded. “Right. Well. It was like that. But bad. We were both working the streets, sleeping with random guys, making little to no money. I was getting into drugs in a bad way. Harry was slipping back into his depression. And neither of us felt close to anyone but each other. And sex with the other guys was something that was never intimate. It was never gentle or loving. And we were falling apart fast and the only thing we had to hold onto was each other. Harry was only just 17 and I was 19…and I felt somewhat responsible for him? So I wanted to save him…and I wanted to save myself too. So we kind of just…we were desperate for some sort of human contact…some sort of intimacy. So we slept together on nights when everything got to be too much. It was nice, but it didn’t mean anything. Like romantically. We were just trying to…help each other. We stopped it after a while. There was no real reason. We just didn’t need each other like that anymore I guess. But yeah..It happened. I thought you should know the truth.” Zayn hung his head fiddled with the laces of his trainers. 

“Why didn’t you just tell me that before?” Louis said, his voice cracking a little from lack of use. 

Zayn shrugged. “You were upset at the time. You were looking for something to hurt you. I didn’t want to hurt you with tell ing you this.” 

“Well thanks for telling me now. I mean, I always suspected a bit. I mean you both are best friends, and very involved in, er, sex…I figured it happened at some point,” Louis shrugged, mussing up his fringe. 

Zayn laughed. “Yeah, well. But I don’t want you to worry or over think this okay. Because there was literally nothing between us. And Harry cares about you deeply. And I have Niall. And just, promise me you won’t over think this?” 

Now it was Louis’s turn to laugh. “You know me so well,” he grinned. “No, no, I promise I won’t over think anything,” Louis said holding up his hands innocently. 

“Good.” 

They sat in silence for a while, resting their heads against the sides of the godforsaken chairs, slowly falling into a hazy limbo between sleep and consciousness. However, this did not last long for they were both roused from their dazes by hurried footsteps in their directions and a very exasperated, “They you two are!” 

Louis blinked his eyes lazily, before snapping them open and scrambling to his feet. “Gemma,” he breathed, nearly flinging himself at the girl standing before him. “How is he? What’s happened?” 

Zayn came up behind him a few moments later, setting a hand on Louis’s shoulder. “Is he okay?” 

Gemma let out a long breath and nodded her head tightly, pressing her lips together. “He’s asleep now. I-I’ve been looking everywhere for the two of you. For a good half hour,” Gemma’s voice trembled as she sunk down onto one of the plastic chairs. 

Louis and Zayn both scratched the backs of their necks. “Yeah, uh––“ 

“We were in the cafeteria––“ 

“––And then had a bit of an incident––“ 

“––Some spilt coffee––“

“Napkins.” 

“Then we fell asleep….” 

Gemma stared at them with wide eyes. “Okay,” she said slowly. “Um, I have no idea––I’m not going to ask.” She let a small breathy laugh, nervous and unsure, and then cast her eyes back onto Louis and Zayn. Louis could see the puffy redness around her eyes, and the faint tracks of mascara on her cheeks. She’d been with Harry since the ambulance left, and he couldn’t even begin to imagine what she’d seen. Harry was okay now, but he was nearly dead before….

“What happened?” Louis heard himself ask. “After we got split up.” 

Gemma sucked in a breath and knotted the fabric of her pajama pants between her fingers. “After I left in the ambulance, he…he stopped breathing?” Gemma’s voice hitched and her lips began to tremble. Louis moved forward instinctively, but Gemma held up a hand. “‘M fine,” she insisted faintly before continuing. “They, uh, they had to preform CPR on him, and put him on oxygen…then once we got here they wheeled him into the ER…he needed to get his stomach pumped fast, but…b-but his  _heart_ …” Gemma let out a choking sob and pressed her fist against her lips. “It just––it stopped?” 

Louis and Zayn were knelt down beside Gemma at that moment, each extending a hand, reaching for her, a simple touch, and Gemma instantly latched on to them both, pulling them into her chest. They stayed like that for a while, and they found that they were all crying together. Louis’s face buried in the crook of Gemma’s neck, spilling wet hot tears onto her skin. He felt paralyzed and numb a bit as the thought ran circles around his mind making him dizzy. Harry had been _dead_. His heart had stopped beating. Louis was no doctor, but, as far as he was concerned a heart that wasn’t beating was a dead heart. But Harry was okay now. Gemma had said so. He was asleep right now, and he was alive. Gemma didn’t have to tell them how Harry came back. They didn’t make her explain how they use the defibrillator to shock him back to life. They didn’t make her recall the chaos that had taken place in the emergency room. And so instead they let Gemma’s story end, and they stayed curled up together until their sobs subsided. Then the true waiting began. 

——

Gemma was able to go back into Harry’s room and wait there while he slept, but the doctors did not allow Zayn and Louis to go back until Harry awoke. And so the two of them waited in the waiting room with the bright lights and awful chairs. 

Louis felt himself slip into a strange limbo where time didn’t really seem to exist, where every minute was multiplied by ten, and each hour felt like years. He fell in and out of sleep, his head lolling to the side and startling awake with the occasional dribble of drool down his chin. At around seven o’clock Gemma returned to them with some breakfast. They ate quietly together, and Zayn tapped away on his phone as he sipped at his cup of coffee. 

“Who you texting?” Louis asked, nodding towards the phone. 

“Niall,” Zayn said. “With everything that happened I forgot to let them know we found Harry. They’ve been waiting at Lego House all night to hear back from us.” 

“Shit.” Louis whipped his hands on his trousers and then went rummaging around his pockets. “I wonder if they called–––“ Louis frowned, emptying his jacket pockets and trouser pockets. His wallet came out. And a pack of gum. Some loose change. But his phone was know where to be found. 

“What’s up?” Zayn asked. 

“I could’ve sworn I had my phone with me…” 

“Did you leave it in the car?” Gemma piped up. 

“I––I don’t think––“ 

“Hold on, Niall’s calling me,” Zayn said, holding up a hand. “Hello….Yeah he’s still sleeping….It’s been a few hours, yeah….Well like I said before we don’t know much, I mean he’s okay, but we wont know, like, mentally how okay he is until he wakes up….Louis? Yeah, yeah he’s right here next to me….” Louis perked up at the mention of his name, eyes following Zayn as he paced back and forth. “ _What_?” Zayn exclaimed, freezing in place, eyes widening. Louis got to his feet, catching Zayn’s eye and mouthing ‘What?’ Zayn held up a finger and turned his attention back to the phone. “Are you sure it was him?” he asked hurriedly. Louis waited for an explanation while he listened to the incoherent garble sounding from the phone, trying to grasp at some words. “Christ,” Zayn said finally, running a hand though his hair and mussing it up more than it already was. “Yeah, okay, I’ll let him know…Yeah…I’ll call you if anything changes…Ok…” And then quietly, “I love you…Bye.” 

When Zayn spun around he was met with Louis’s expectant eyes. “What was all that about? What happened?” 

“Well I found your phone,” Zayn said as way of beginning. 

“What’d you mean?” 

Zayn sighed and plopped down on one of the empty plastic chairs. “Niall said around 11:30 last night they heard a phone ringing in the downstairs living room. It was your phone, wedged in the sofa cushions. It––It must’ve fallen out yesterday afternoon when we were there….” Zayn adverted his eyes, staring down at his trainers. 

Louis squinted his eyes and kneeled down beside Zayn. “Who called?” he asked slowly. 

“Well…It, uh, took ‘em a while to find your phone…and by the time they did the call had ended…” 

“Zayn.” 

“There was no message or anything…and it was an unknown number…” 

Louis swallowed hard and tried not to think of it…the image of Harry, alone without a phone, yet managing to call him nonetheless….He tried very hard. 

“Zayn,” he urged on, but his voice was weak. 

“They, uh, they think it was…Harry,” Zayn choked out, glancing up quickly and catching Louis before he fell backwards on his heels. 

Louis shook his head and pressed his fists against his eyes. “Fuck.” 

“Lou, it’s not your fault––“ 

“He called me, he called me right before he…fuck. If I’d had my phone…If I’d just been able to talk to him…he might not have….” 

“Louis,” another voice said coming up beside him. It was Gemma. “Louis, there’s no use in playing the ‘If’ game, okay. We can’t go back and change what’s happened. And even if we could, there’s no guarantee that things would end any different. Harry was in a really bad place. Harry’s been like this for a  _long_  time, Louis.” 

Louis was quiet, and he let Gemma hug him. But then memories came flooding back, and he remembered what Zayn said about thinking about life in moments and not big chunks of time, and he thought aloud, “He wasn’t like this when I met him. He wasn’t like this all the time. Just sometimes.” And maybe he was wrong in thinking of life in moments. And maybe Harry’s sadness had always been there, under everything else. But he wasn’t ready to dismiss all their good times as just a farce. He did not believe that Harry had faked those most private moments. 

“That’s because you made him happy, Lou,” Zayn said with a watery smile. “I’m not lying when I tell you he looked his best when he was with you.” 

“And I may not have had the pleasure of seeing you two together, but I don’t doubt that my brother cares deeply about you. He’s never been one to get very close to people before.” She squeezed Louis’s shoulder gently before getting to her feet. “I’m going to,” she tilted her head towards the hallway, “head back.” 

Louis nodded numbly. “Okay.” 

Gemma disappeared round the corner and Louis slumped back against the wall. Zayn joined him a moment later, sinking down next to him, both staring stonily ahead. “What’s going to happen when he wakes up?” Louis croaked. “What do I do?” 

Out of the corner of his eye Louis caught Zayn shake his head slightly. “I don’t…We just have to be there for him. You two should probably talk too. And…We need to get him to open up about that pimp thing.” 

Louis sighed and rested his head against Zayn’s shoulder. “So, did Niall say anything else? Is everything good at Lego House?” Louis asked as way of changing the subject. 

“Seemed fine,” Zayn mumbled. “We didn’t really talk much…he mostly just told me about the…call.” 

“Right,” Louis said tightly. 

Zayn shifted slightly. “But, um. Well there’s something I wanted to tell you about.” 

Louis smirked slightly, eyes widening just a bit. “More confessions? Did you get Harry pregnant in another life or something?” Louis joked half-heartedly. 

Zayn let out an unexpected burst of laughter. “No, no. This confession doesn’t have anything to do with Harry. In fact it’s not really much of a confession. Just a little something I wanted to share.” 

Louis drew himself up and turned to face Zayn. “Okay, well then go ahead, shoot.” 

“Um, okay, I dunno if you remember…probably not since it’s been weeks…But at Dani’s party a few weeks ago…the night before the fire…Liam was talking about Paradise closing.” 

“Yeah I remember something about that. Liam was saying he’d be out of a job soon…” 

“Right well. See I’ve just filmed a big film…In the two weeks that Lego House was undergoing repairs I was staying at Niall’s, and also spending a lot of time in studio filming. This is…this film is going to be my big break. I almost had a stroke when I saw the numbers on the paycheck. I don’t know what’s going to happen now, with Harry and all, I dunno if he’ll want to stay with me or if you two’ll figure something out…but with the money I’ll be making, no one will ever have to work the streets again. And I know Harry gets testy when I pay for things in his place, but really, I won’t let him work any more if I can help it. I’m not going to let him be used and abused anymore.” Zayn paused for a breath and shifted his eyes towards Louis who was staring a bit misty eyed and speechless. 

“I––Wow. That’s, that’s great, Zayn. I mean. Really great. But,” Louis furrowed his brows, “Still not sure what any of this has to do with jobless Liam and Paradise. Unless you’re going to be paying for Liam’s expenses too.” 

Zayn laughed, “Ah, no. I’m afraid I rambled a bit. Anyways. So Liam said that Paradise is up for rent. And I was talking to my friend James who’s all into investments and he said I should start investing my money, since I’ll be making a lot more than I’m use to now. And I got talking to Liam, and he gave me all the details on Paradise, and one night the two of us were up late at Niall’s just spewing out ideas and we thought, why not invest in the place together? I’d be the main owner, and he’d be co-owner but still. And. Yeah. I think we’re going to go for it.” 

Now Louis’s eyes were properly bugging out. “You’re going to buy a club?” he squeaked. 

“Sort of, yes,” Zayn nodded casually. 

“With Liam? My Liam? Straight-laced Uni-student Liam? Liam who’s studying Law and Politics and fucking  _Economics_? Is going to co-own a  _club_?” 

“Crazy life is, yeah?” Zayn said, shooting Louis a positively manic grin. 

Louis pressed a hand against his head, questioning life and all it’s surprises right when a pair of red converse skidded to a stop in front of him. 

“Harry’s up.” 

——

Walking down the labyrinth of corridors was maddening. Everything looked the same, it felt like they were walking in circles. Louis began to doubt they were ever going to reach Harry. They’d been walking for a little less than three minutes. 

Harry’s room was on the third floor. Louis didn’t catch the number, he was secretly glad. He knew he’d see that number everywhere, attribute it to this chapter in their lives forever. The nurse said the boys could only go in one at a time. Not to overwhelm Harry. Zayn of course let Louis go first. It all happened so fast. The door swung open, slowly, so slowly, Gemma walked ahead of Louis. Louis rounded the corner, he saw Harry’s body lying in the hospital bed before he saw Harry. It was 8:57 in the morning. Harry’s green eyes looked up, suddenly locking with Louis’s the way they had countless times before. And then tears bloomed in those eyes, and his face crumpled in a tragic way, and he fell to pieces. Louis fell a bit too. 

Louis rushed across the room, closing the distance between them, and sliding himself in the chair beside Harry. This chair was much more comfortable then the awful waiting room chairs. In a fleeting thought Louis wondered if maybe that was because this was where he belonged, at Harry’s side. But he did not linger much on that thought or any thought for that matter. His hand found Harry’s and their fingers tangled clumsily and Harry mumbled incoherent words while trying to shield his face with his other hand. Gemma lingered by the door, before quietly excusing herself and giving the two some space. 

The first words Louis could decipher were, “I’m sorry.” 

“Harry, please, you don’t––“ 

“Itsallmyfault,” he sobbed. “Ishouldn’tbehere.” 

“ _Harry_ ,” Louis said firmly. 

Harry looked up, bottom lip trembling and cheeks tearstained. “I made a mess of everything, Lou.”

“I don’t care, okay. You’re here, you’re alive, and that’s not for nothing. You’re here because you belong.” Louis felt like there was a fire burning in his chest. Something furious, something that felt vaguely familiar, but that he couldn’t quite place. 

Harry sat silently for a few moments, just staring at Louis, staring at him as if he weren’t sure if he was real or not. “I heard you,” he said very quietly. “Right before I blacked out. I heard your voice. I thought you were an angel. I tried to follow your voice.” 

Louis stared back at Harry, the fire inside spreading through his veins. There was another conversation happening that Louis wasn’t quite aware of. Something in their eyes. They were speaking a subconscious language that transcended past anything they could fully understand. They were speaking through the eyes and straight to the soul. Something they both needed to tell each other, but couldn’t in simple words. Their eyes spoke that conversation, while their mouths carried out another. “That was me at the cemetery,” Louis said, finally. “We found you in time.” 

“You saved me,” Harry breathed, his voice raspy and raw. “You found me. I didn’t think you’d ever find me.”

“Don’t you know by now that I will always look for you? I will  _always_  chase after you, because you’re––you’re  _everything_ , Harry.” And now they were both a bit of a sorry mess, tears and trembling lips and all. “You saved me first, remember?” Louis grinned through his tears. “You were  _my_  angel. Under the streetlights in that dark alley.” 

Harry’s fingers tightened around Louis’s. “Well you’re everything too. You’re––all I have left. So. I. Yeah.” Harry fluttered his eyes back up to Louis, and. Yeah. Louis understood. 

There were a lot of other things, very important things, that they needed to talk about. But Louis decided those things could wait. Harry was still pretty drained and he quickly fell asleep again. The nurse was nice and let Louis stay, and their fingers remained linked together while they both slept. 

Louis woke up a few hours later, and Zayn brought them all lunch and they ate while Harry slept and Zayn told Gemma all about his Paradise plans and Gemma complained about her ex-boyfriend and Louis cracked a few jokes and they all felt like a monumental weight had been lifted off their shoulders. They weren’t completely in the clear yet, they knew that, but now that they were there with Harry it all seemed infinitely better than when they had been away from him. 

Some time during Louis’s nap, Zayn had called Lego House to tell them Harry had woken up. Zayn said their cheers had nearly left him deaf. 

The day went on––Louis was convinced time had stopped working properly a long time ago, it felt like the longest day of his life––and Harry did not awake again until three in the afternoon. 

Louis and Zayn were sat on the floor playing cards (which Zayn had gone to fetch from his car) when Harry let out a little moan and shifted slightly. Louis dropped his cards and in an instant was up on his feet. Zayn sighed and abandoned his hand as well, coming up beside Louis. Harry’s eyes clenched tight, and he thrashed about a bit, before fluttering his lashes and peaking his eyes open. 

“Hey, mate,” Zayn said as casually as he could muster, breaking the silence. 

“”S wasn’t a dream,” Harry mumbled looking up at Louis. 

Louis shook is head. “Nope, it wasn’t.” 

Harry turned back to Zayn. “You gonna yell at me?” 

Zayn gave him a small smile. “Not right now…but maybe later,” he said squeezing Harry’s leg. “Not gonna let you get away with scaring the fucking shit out of me like that,” Zayn winked. 

When the door finally fell shut behind Zayn, Harry let out a long sigh. Louis turned back toward him, slowly lowering himself onto the edge of the bed. 

“So…” Harry said quietly. “I, uh,” Harry coughed to clear his throat which was sore from the stomach pump tube and from disuse. “I guess we, er, have a lot to talk about.” 

“We don’t have to talk about anything you don’t—-”

“But we do,” Harry cut in. “We did the whole ‘only talking about things we wanted to talk about’ thing before and…Look where that got us,” Harry said sadly, shifting his eyes around the room. “I’ve been…I…God, I don’t even know where to start, Lou.” A stray tear rolled down Harry’s cheek and Louis quickly leaned forward to thumb it away. 

“It’s okay, Haz. How about…How about I just…ask you about stuff…and you can answer and explain like that?” Louis suggested, drawing circles on the back of Harry’s hand. 

Harry’s eyes wandered down to the hands and then back up to Louis before giving him a small nod. “Okay, yeah. We can do that.” 

“Okay,” Louis said softly. “I guess the biggest question is, what the fuck has been happening these past few months? Who’s been…doing all of this to you?” Louis’s voice was tender and quiet and his fingers hadn’t stopped caressing Harry’s hand. Harry sucked in a deep breath and flickered his eyes down, fiddling the fingers of his unoccupied hand with a loose string on the hospital bed’s sheets. He stayed quiet like that for a bit, staring down at the strings thoughtfully. 

“I don’t…I’m trying to figure out how to tell this story, but it all sounds so stupid in my head,” Harry began, still refusing to meet Louis’s eyes. “I tried keeping everything a secret for so long, I tried being okay for months and months because I didn’t want to drag anyone into it. I was…scared. Really scared. And…ashamed,” Harry’s voice trembled, and his eyes slipped shut for a moment. His hands clenched around the bedsheets and his whole body visibly shook. Louis covered both of Harry’s hands with his own, or at least attempted too, because Harry’s hands were so much bigger despite the fact that Harry looked so, so small in lying there in the hospital bed. 

“What ever happened, wasn’t your fault, Harry,” Louis murmured. 

“I was too scared to stop it. I should have told someone,  _anyone_. I––This thing, this thing that happened––I lied to you and hurt you and I never wanted that. I was just…trying to protect you. Protect everyone.” Harry took a deep breath and Louis held onto his hands, trying to follow Harry’s words. 

“This whole mess started a long time ago. Stared back when I was fifteen in Holmes Chapel.” 

“Zayn and Gemma told me about some of it. Your mum’s boyfriend and your depression and all of that,” Louis said softly, hoping that by letting Harry know that he knew would help Harry with telling the story. 

“Well…My mum’s boyfriend, Ralph…he was the guy. The one who did all of this,” Harry said, gesturing towards his body. 

Louis brows crinkled. “I don’t understand…Wasn’t it…like…a pimp?” 

Harry sighed sadly. “It was sort of like that but. See Ralph he…well you know what he used to do to me. And then I ran away. I thought I was free but I didn’t know he was looking for me. For two years. And then a few months ago…He found me. That first time, when I came home all beat up and I asked you to stay. That was the night he found me. And he knew what I was doing…sleeping around…that’s how he found me, by asking around and someone told him I was a prostitute who hung around Babylon. After that he…he started making me give him portions of my wages. And there was never a question of not doing it, because I know how he is and I knew he’d either punish me or find someone I cared about to hurt. He’s a bad man, Louis,” Harry said softly. “And I never wanted him to find out about you. That’s why I never told you. I wanted to protect you from all of that.” 

Louis had his jaw clenched and part of him was boiling with the desire to find this Ralph and beat him to the ground, while the other part of him just wanted to take Harry into his arms and cuddle him and never leave his side again. He was about to voice his thoughts when Harry began talking again.

“But then the other day, he took me, and he was…angry with me…and he said he’d go after you if I messed up again. I didn’t even know he knew about you. But he’d been following me. He saw us together. And I panicked and I just…I felt like the only way I could keep you safe from him…was to leave. Forever. Plus I just wanted it all to stop. I didn’t know how else to make it stop besides e-ending it all m-myself.” 

“ _Harry_ ,” Louis breathed, suddenly flinging himself at the boy. “Jesus. Don’t. God.” Louis couldn’t think properly. Or speak apparently. “Forever is a fucking long time to be away from me and you know how impatient I get,” Louis finally said, pulling away and pressing their foreheads together. “We’re going to get this guy behind bars okay. He’s not going to get away with all of this shit,” Louis said, stubborn determination in his voice. 

“Also,” Harry said, eyes glinting just a little, “I know he started the fire at Lego House. And the police are  _still_  investigating that incident too.” 

Louis pulled back, his eyes wide. “Shit seriously?” 

“Seriously,” Harry said with a small smile. 

Louis through his fists up in the air and let out a loud “WOOOHOOO!” before pouncing on Harry and planting a big wet one on his lips. “That fucker is going to jail!” 

Harry couldn’t help but smile too. 

——— 

The next few hours were spent with Harry relenting his story about Ralph to Gemma, and then finally to the police. Lego House called at around 6 o’clock and he spent a good hour talking to everyone as they passed the phone around. It was mostly just light chatter, though Harry knew they were all trying very hard not to bring up the fact that they’d been worried sick, and Harry knew, from overhearing Zayn, that most of them hadn’t left Lego House since yesterday afternoon, waiting to hear back. Harry felt guilty for putting them through so much, but he tried to squash those feelings and not feed any hidden demons. 

For the most part Harry felt  _okay_. His cuts were hidden away by bandages because they’d started to get infected and he was on a cocktail of meds now so he was fairly sedated. Louis, Zayn and Gemma kept him company and he really didn’t have much time to be alone with his thoughts, which was a good thing. Because underneath there was still a lot of hurt and pain and lingering self-loathing and guilt. The only difference now was that he wanted to get better, not run. He’d tried that, and that had failed. He was meant to be there, even if he didn’t quite understand why. And there was also the fact that his secrets were out in the open now, an unbearable  weight finally lifted from his shoulders. And Louis. There was Louis who now knew everything and who was still there. 

Harry remained in the hospital that night because the doctors wanted to keep him for further observation. To make sure he wasn’t a danger to himself. He wasn’t very tired though. And so he remained awake late into the night listening to Louis talk. They talked about nothing really, and it felt good. 

Eventually though, he seemed to have drifted off to sleep, perhaps lulled out by the soft, rhythmic sound of Louis’s voice, for he awoke the following morning at around noon to the smell of fried chicken. 

“Nandos?” Harry croaked, peeking open his sleepy eyes. 

“Hiya!” came a voice from beside him before a head popped up right in front of his face and Harry’s eyes flew wide open and his heart monitor spikes up. 

“Christ,  _Niall?_ ” Harry breathed, gripping his chest. “What the hell. When did you get here?” 

Niall pulled a face and took a large bite out of his chicken leg. “Wull nice to ’ee you too,” Niall said through a mouthful of food. 

“He came up this morning,” Zayn clarified getting to his feet off the floor. 

Harry hadn’t even noticed he was there. Suddenly he whipped his head around the room in search of––

“Louis went down to the caf,” Zayn said, reading Harry’s mind. “He was thirsty and Niall didn’t bring  _drinks_.” Zayn shot Niall a knowing look and then Niall went off all defensive as if they’ had this conversation before. 

“It’s not my fault the soda machine was broken! And that girl had no idea what she was doing. Newbie I’m sure.” 

Zayn pursed his lips. “You always break the soda machine at work.” 

“BUT THIS WAS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NANDOS!” 

“Save it,” Zayn said holding up a hand. “Face it, you’ve failed us.” 

“Oh you are going to get it, Zayn Malik I’m going to fuck you so hard––“ 

“Niall! Children in the room!” Zayn shouted, gesturing towards Harry. 

“Sorry mate,” Niall said quickly to Harry. 

“It’s all good,” Harry chuckled, just as the door opened and Louis strolled in with about six water bottles hugged against his chest. 

“You’re awake!” Louis said, brightening up instantly at the sight of Harry sitting up in bed. “I brought water!” Louis nodded towards his chest. 

Harry smiled. “I see that.” 

“Here.” Louis came over to the foot of the bed and emptied his arms letting the water bottles plop down onto the mattress. He gingerly snatched one up and twisted the cap open, handing it over to Harry. 

“Thank you,” Harry said, taking a sip. 

Louis settled down beside Harry on the edge of the bed while Zayn and Niall both occupied the chairs by the bed and they all passed around the bucket of chicken. Harry leaned against Louis and quietly sat back and listened to Zayn and Niall banter and smile at the occasional joke from Louis and he didn’t even notice Gemma was gone until she popped in a half hour later. 

“Hey,” she said a little breathless. “Oh good, you’re up.” 

“Where were you?” Harry asked lifting his head off Louis’s shoulder. Zayn and Niall suddenly stopped their playful argument mid-sentence and the room became eerily quiet. 

“Erm, I was talking to your doctor. You’re gonna have to go speak to one of the psychiatrists here. Routine procedure after…” Gemma said trailing off. 

“Right,” Harry nodded quickly. “Okay. Shall I go now?” Harry made to get out of bed. 

“Um, I think a nurse is coming down to get you.” 

“Okay.” Harry swung his legs over the edge of the bed and waited for the nurse who came in a few moments later. She helped Harry up, and guided him towards the door. Harry was suddenly aware of how shaky he was. He clenched his hands into fists to stop their trembling, but his legs were wobbling with each step. He’d hardly gotten out of bed in the past day, and it felt strange. Also it didn’t help that he was rattled with nerves. The shrink was going to poke at him and make him  _talk_  and he’d already done  _so much_  of that lately. It was exhausting. 

He let the nurse lead him through the twisting corridors of the hospital until they reached the psych ward which was labeled by a huge sign over the heavy doors leading into the hallway. Harry was lead into a small room with pale blue walls, a sofa, a few chairs, a desk, and a coffee table. There were an array of magazines sprawled across the table along with a tissue box. A potted plant sat in the corner beside a large fish tank. It was a fairly nice looking room, Harry decided. A change of scenery from the constant, blinding white walls and hospital beds. 

“Dr. Corden will be with you in a moment,” the nurse said, standing beside the door while Harry walked inside. He waited for the nurse to leave before realizing she wasn’t going anywhere. Figures. He probably wasn’t trusted to be alone. Not that he’d be able to kill himself in this room. Unless he tried to drown himself in the fish tank…but, well, that would be a little bit extreme. And Harry felt…he was…fine. Maybe not.  But he wanted to be fine. 

Harry wandered over to the fish tank and watched the fish swim. There were a whole bunch in varying sizes, all bright and colorful. Salt water wish, Harry noted. He recognized a few of the breeds too. There was a big Angelfish with blue and yellow stripes, and a bright blue Damsel and a shiny silver and orange Butterfly fish. There were also a school of little teal colored fish swimming about, a lavender colored fish poking it’s head out of the coral, and a pair of black and white stripped fish swimming side by side. Harry watched them as they drifted by, the two stripped friends seeming to be conversing, perhaps they were a couple, and the little teal ones zoomed by like children. The blue Damsel was following after the teal fish and the Butterfly swam by itself approaching a solitary starfish stuck to the glass. It was the Angelfish, though, that Harry found his eyes tracing back too. The Angelfish skulked behind a plant, it’s eye glancing over at the others. The other fish seemed so…happy. The teal fish were swimming circles around the Damsel, and the Butterfly was entertaining the star fish, the lavender fish happily disappeared back into the coral, and the stripped fish had each other. But the Angelfish was all alone, hiding away behind a plant. Maybe Harry was project too many emotions on the fish, but it almost looked sad. Lonely. Such a big and beautiful fish….Harry felt himself reaching his fingers out towards the fish, before quickly flinching his hand away, suddenly remembering watching _Finding Nemo_  with Zayn. Fish didn’t like it when people touched the tank, Harry reminded himself solemnly. 

“You like them?” came a voice from behind and Harry started, turning around suddenly. Standing before him was a jolly looking man in a long white coat and black trousers, a pen in his breast pocket and a clipboard clasped in his hands. He was nodding towards the fish and Harry stammered to reply. 

“Y-es, they’re um, very pretty,” Harry said quietly, turning back towards the tank. 

“Lots of patients love ‘em. Which is your favorite?” 

Harry stared at the fish thoughtfully. “I think the Angelfish.” 

There was a moment of silence, and Harry turned back to look at Dr. Corden. He had a curious look on his face that Harry couldn’t quite place. “Interesting,” he said finally. He moved towards one of the seats and sat down. Harry slowly followed over to the sofa. “Why is that interesting?” Harry heard himself ask, tilting his head to the side. 

“I ask this question to my patients a lot. And most of them say the Angelfish,” he explained. 

“Why’s that?” 

Dr. Corden clasped his hands together and shrugged. “I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me. Why is the Angelfish  _your_  favorite?” 

Harry furrowed his brows and glanced back at the fish tank. “Well…I don’t know. I just. I feel bad for it. It seems lonely. Sad. All the other fish seem to have a friend. Except the Angelfish.” 

“So you sympathize with it?” Dr. Corden asked. 

Harry thought for a moment, catching his lower lip between his teeth. Then he shook his head. “No. I, uh, I empathize with it. I know what it feels like. To be on the outskirts of everything.”

“Ah,” Dr. Corden said, bowing his head. “So you feel, lonely? Sad?” 

“Yes and no,” Harry said without thinking. “I have friends. I know I do. I have Louis. But I am sad. Or I was? I don’t really know. But I just. I guess when I was younger I felt more like the Angelfish. I was lonelier then,” Harry said quietly. 

“How so?” 

“Well…My mum was depressed, and I mean, I had friends that I hung out with. But nobody knew about what it was like at home. I felt like no one really knew me. I couldn’t talk to anyone about how I felt. I’d go out but feel like I wasn’t even there. I had a lot of issues I guess.” 

Harry fixed his eyes on his hands clasped in his lap. They were shaking again. He hadn’t even realized he’d started talking about himself. One minute they were just talking about the lonely Angelfish and suddenly he was telling this stranger all about his feelings,  _old_  feelings buried layers deep. Only, it wasn’t so weird. In fact, in many ways it was easier to open up to Dr. Corden than it was to talk to Louis and Gemma. 

“Harry?” Dr. Corden’s voice sounded like it was coming from the opposite end of a tunnel. 

Harry snapped his head up and took a deep breath that rushed air to his lungs. “Yes?” 

“You okay? We can take a break if you need to––“ 

Harry shook his head quickly, his curls bouncing around and falling in his eyes. “No it’s okay. I want to go on. I want you to make me better.” 

Dr. Corden’s eyes softened and a small smile crept on his lips. “Okay, Harry. How about you tell me a little bit about your mum….” 

They talked like that for an hour, Dr. Corden casually asking Harry questions and Harry slowly painting him a picture of his life, a self portrait of himself, his real self. When they got to the bits about London Harry stammered and got flustered, embarrassed to bring up his prostitution, and also a bit scared to talk about Ralph. Dr. Corden reassured him that this was a safe place and he would not be judged. Harry eventually finished his story, managing to cry only a few times. He felt emotionally drained by the end though, having recounted his life and all the pain and suffering he’d endured for the third time in the past 24 hours. His arms felt itchy and he wanted to peel the bandages off. He wanted to sleep himself into oblivion, forget about all of this and come back to it another day. But instead he sat patiently and waited for Dr. Corden to finish scribbling on his clipboard. 

“I don’t think you need me to tell you what you probably already know yourself but…” Dr. Corden said in his same pleasantly friendly and casual voice. “You show very prominent symptoms of depression.” 

Harry nodded. “Yeah I mean I did kind of try to kill myself so.” Dr. Corden’s eyes widened almost imperceptibly and he quickly jotted down a note. Maybe Harry shouldn’t have said that he thought suddenly. Joking about his suicide attempt probably wasn’t a good thing. 

“I’m going to write you a prescription for some antidepressant medication, Harry,” Dr. Corden said after a moment. “And I’m going to write you a referral to colleague of mine in London. She has a similar style to talking to patients as myself,” he said with a smile. “You’ll start off seeing her a few times a week to talk. After everything you’ve told me, Harry, I truly believe you want to get better. I think…you just need to cut off those negative things from your life. The prostitution, the pills, and most of all, your contact with Ralph.” Harry nodded. “I don’t want to keep you here any longer, Harry,” Dr. Corden said. “I just have a few things to discuss with your sister, and then I think you’re free to go,” Dr. Corden stood up and guided Harry towards the door and out into the hallway. “Shall we?” he said, gesturing forward. The two of them walked side by side down the corridor, making their way out of the Psych ward and back down to Harry’s room. 

Inside Gemma, Louis, Niall, and Zayn were waiting. Dr. Corden asked to speak with Gemma while Harry walked inside and ambled over to sit beside Louis on the bed. “You okay?” Louis asked softly, just so Harry could hear. 

Harry gave a little nod. “Yeah.” 

They checked out a half hour later and the proceeded to spend a good 20 minutes in the parking lot trying to figure out the car situation. See, the plan was that Gemma was going to come down and stay with Harry now that Uni was pretty much over, but she needed to go get her car which was still at the university. And Zayn was going to drive back up with Niall in Niall’s car, but then who would drive his car? Louis then offered to drive Gemma and Harry up to Manchester to get Gemma’s car and then drive Zayn’s car back himself all the way to London. But then Harry complained that he wanted to be with Louis in Zayn’s car and not with Gemma, “No offense.” Gemma then spent three whole minutes trying to make a decision, which made Harry get a bit testy, before finally she decided that yes, Harry could ride with Louis. “Not that I was actually waiting for your approval,” Harry smirked cheekily, to which Gemma rolled her eyes and stuck out her tongue. 

After that things went smoothly. Niall and Zayn parted ways with Harry, Louis, and Gemma, and the trio piled into Zayn’s car and made the forty-five minute drive up to Manchester. 

They turned on the radio and listened to some guy on BBC Radio 1 gush about his favorite pop star friend with the occasional song interrupting the, as Louis put it, “thirsty swooning.” Harry had cackled at that. Once back in Manchester they bade Gemma farewell and began the five hour drive to London. 

“Hey, is that my mixtape?” Harry asked pointing to the little white tape that was stuck in the tape player. 

“Yeah,” Louis said glancing down at it. “It got stuck on the Scientist. It was a really good mix though.” 

“I made it ages ago,” Harry said, his voice sounding a little far away. “Well not really, I guess. I made it when Zayn first go this car. That was what…a month ago?” 

Louis chuckled softly. “Something like that. Does seem like ages though. That was right before the girls came to visit,” Louis remembered fondly. 

“Yeah…Beat Lottie at Candy Land,” Harry smiled. “And we gave the candy to Daisy and Phoebe.” 

“You were so great with them.”

“It wasn’t too hard to get on with them,” Harry admitted. “I mean they are like mini versions of _you_. Totally crazy.” 

“Oh please,” Louis scoffed, pursing his lips. “I’m not nearly as moody as Lottie.” 

Harry pulled a face which prompted Louis to turn up the music and shout, “Lalala I am not a teenage girl.” 

Harry barely stopped smiling the whole way back to London. 

— —

London, welcomed them with rain. Which was probably the best welcoming Harry could’ve asked for because well, it was  _home_ , he thought suddenly. Home. London was his home. Not Holmes Chapel. London with Lego House and Zayn and Danielle and Josh and Sandy and Niall and Liam and Rebecca and Lily and Karl and Cher and Matt and Mary and even Eleanor. And of course _Louis_. It hit him smack dab in the face and he swayed a little as he got out of the car and stared up at the colorful house.  _God_  he’d been stupid to leave this place. 

Louis came over and took his hand and together they walked on up to the front door. Niall’s car was already parked outside, since they’d gotten a heads start, and when they opened the door, Niall was the first one to pop out in front of them, effectively scaring the shit out of Harry for the second time that day. 

“WELCOME HOME!” about twenty voices shouted at once, and Harry’s face felt like it was about to split because  _oh my god Dani made chocolate chip pancakes_ and there was tea and apple juice and ham and cheese sandwiches cut diagonally and wow he had the best friends in the word. There was a little nagging part in the back of his mind that wanted to curl in himself, away from all the attention, but just as that voice threatened to rise, Louis’s gently gave Harry’s hand a reassuring squeeze, almost as if he could sense Harry’s moment of doubt. 

Harry let himself be led to the sofa by Lily, and she pulled out Candy Land and  _insisted_  he played, which he did not mind at all. Lily’s brother, Karl, joined the game, as did Louis and Niall (who was only in it for the candy or so he claimed). Karl ended up winning, and he shared his candy with Niall. 

“How’d you get him to do that?” Harry asked as they set up another game. 

“Oh Karl and I are pals. We go way back,” Niall assured, stuffing a candy bar in his mouth whole. 

“Ugh Niall you pig!” Louis exclaimed as little bits of chocolate few onto him. 

“Ey, don’t go insulting me boy,” Zayn said coming up behind Niall who was sat on the sofa and leaning forward to peck an upside down kiss on his lips. “He’s my little piggy.” 

“You two are proper gross,” Louis said shielding his eyes as Niall flipped Zayn onto the sofa and attacked his face. 

Gemma arrived soon after, and she was quickly introduced to everyone. 

The party ended early when Harry announced he was exhausted, and Louis followed him up to his flat with Gemma, helping her carry up her bags. 

“I think I should go,” Louis murmured as the two of them stood outside the door. 

“No, c’mon, stay,” Harry begged. 

“You need to rest. And you have Gemma here to take care of you. We won’t sleep if I stay.” 

“Who needs sleep,” Harry yawned, tugging Louis by the hips. 

“You clearly do,” Louis chuckled pressing their foreheads together. “I’ll be back bright and early tomorrow morning. I might even cook you breakfast.” 

“Oh dear God please don’t,” Harry said, and Louis chuckled again before pecking him on the lips. 

“Until tomorrow, Styles. Behave yourself,” Louis said, walking backwards down the hall. 

Harry gave a tiny wave and then Louis disappeared around the corner and he turned inside his flat to where Gemma was waiting with a big, black garbage bag. “We gotta do some cleaning, Harry.” 

Harry groaned and kicked off his shoes. “Oh c’mon, Gem. I know the place is a mess but can’t it wait til tomorrow?” 

“Not  _that_  kind of cleaning,” Gemma said waving her hand. “I couldn’t care less about the mess. I’m talking about cleaning out things that are triggers. Dr. Corden told me we had to get rid of anything in the apartment that might trigger you.” 

“Can you get rid of my head?” 

“What? No. Harry come on, please help.” 

“This is pointless,” Harry sighed leading Gemma over to the kitchen. “If I go crazy again and want to off myself I can assure you I’ll find a way.” 

Gemma froze in her tracks and her eyes began to shine a little. “Harry…” 

Harry instantly realize his thoughtlessness and felt a pang of guilt. “Aw, Gem, no. I…I’m okay now. I just. I’m just saying is all. I’m not going to do anything.” 

Gemma nodded. “I know. And I know getting rid of everything isn’t going to make it impossible for you to hurt yourself again but. I just want to do everything I can to keep you safe, okay? Because you’re my baby brother and I should have––I should have taken better c-care of you…” 

Harry quickly strode over to Gemma and flung his arms around her. “Gem, this is not your fault. It’s not your fault that I’m a little fucked up, okay? C’mon, lets clean up.”

Gemma nodded, wiping her tears and following Harry into the kitchen where they set aside all the alcohol for Niall to come by and take later, dumped all the pills in the cabinets, and put all the knives away behind a lock. They then moved on to the bathroom and then Harry’s room where they disposed of all the razors, emptied out  _more_  pills, and disposed of some drugs that were lingering in the back of Harry’s drawer. Along the way they also did some actual cleaning, getting rid of overflowing bins and stray wrappers and soda cans. By the time they finished it was nearly midnight, and they both collapsed on Harry’s bed in an exhausted heap. 

“Hey this is mum’s quilt,” Gemma said as they scrambled under the covers. “I didn’t know you’d taken it when you left.” 

“Yeah…I…It was always my favorite,” Harry said softly. 

“I remember,” said Gemma. “You could never sleep without it when you were little.” 

“Mhmm,” Harry hummed, eyes drooping shut. He heard Gemma murmur a soft goodnight and then he succumbed to sleep. 

— — — 

Louis awoke bright and early and made way for Lego House, just as promised. He took the steps two at a time, carefully balancing a tray of coffee and a paper bag of Harry’s favorite pastries from the bakery around the corner. He was just rounding the corner on the second floor landing when he stopped short, nearly running into Danielle and Zayn as they descended the staircase deeply immersed in a hushed conversation. 

“Louis,” Danielle said suddenly halting. Her eyes widened slightly before darting to Zayn and then back again. Zayn glanced at Danielle and then towards Louis in the shifty sort of way that conveyed they were hiding something. 

Louis let out a slightly exasperated breath, because telling from their expressions whatever it was didn’t seem good, and tilted his head to the side. “What’s up?” he groaned. 

“I only just told Zayn but…” Danielle began, “It’s bad. I would’ve said something last night but I was afraid sudden news like this would shake Harry up but––“ 

Louis raised his brows and blinked a few times. “Care to clarify what you’re going on about?” 

Danielle groaned. “Ugh it’s…Here, lets go downstairs.” 

Louis turned around and began to go back down to the living room, followed by Danielle and Zayn. Once there, Louis set down the tray and bag on the coffee table and sat down on the sofa. “Okay, so what’s up? And why is this going to affect Harry?” 

Danielle bit her lip and clasped her hands together. “See, some stuff happened while you lot were gone,” Danielle said. “We didn’t want to tell you guys because well, you had enough to worry about at the time, but. Basically Simon, our landlord, came by later that night to talk to us after you guys had left to look for Harry. He said that for a while now he’d been thinking about selling Lego House, and that after the fire happened, he was able to make a lot of repairs and it increased the property value, and, well, he’s selling. He came by to give us the notice. We have about a month to move out.” 

Louis crinkled his brows and shook his head slightly. “I––shit. Isn’t there something we can do?” he asked turning to Zayn. Zayn shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. “Wait hold on, why do you all have to move out anyhow?” Louis said turning back to Danielle. “If he’s selling doesn’t that mean you’d just get a new landlord?” 

Danielle pursed her lips sadly. “They’re turning the place into an office building.” 

Louis shook his head again in disbelief. “That can’t––I can’t even imagine Lego House being _gone_.”

“Yeah, and Harry?” Danielle said softly. “You heard him last night, talking about being  _home_. God, ugh, the whole welcoming party probably made it worse,” Danielle groaned. “I’m so stupid.” 

“We can’t keep him in the dark though,” Louis said quickly. “It’ll just make it worse when the truth comes out.” 

“When should we tell him?” 

“As soon as possible.” 

— 

‘As soon as possible’ became the bane of everyone’s existence and it did not come until nearly a week after Danielle had initially told Louis and Zayn the news. 

It was just that Harry was doing  _so well_. He was readjusting. He was smiling and laughing. And no one had the heart to tell him that his  _home_  would soon be gone. 

By now, Harry had already started seeing his therapist, Louise Teasdale, five times a week. They got on real well, and Harry didn’t really mind the almost daily sessions. Harry always spoke fondly of her, and he considered her more of a  _friend_  than his shrink. 

Louis came by in the afternoons now, because he was back to working the early shifts at Starbucks, and he stayed til late, but always went home. He said it was because his house was closer to Starbucks and it was just  _easier_ , but they both knew that Harry needed some space. Louis overwhelmed Harry. They’d talked about it. A few days after Harry had come home, right after one of his sessions with Louise. They were sprawled across Harry’s bed eating chinese out of the cartons when Harry said very casually, “You kind of break me, Lou.” 

Louis started at that, and nearly choked on his egg roll. “What?” 

Harry wiped his hands with a napkin (one of the shitty kinds) and sat up a little. “I don’t mean it in a bad way…necessarily.” His tone was very succinct, clipped and straightforward. He talked like that a lot now. It was a little unnerving at first, he seemed almost numb sometimes, but Louis knew it was all part of the healing process. He knew Harry was  _trying_  to open up more and more, it was just…difficult, and sometimes he didn’t quite know how to do it without making sudden, abrupt confessions.  

“It’s just that, I was talking to Lou about it today in therapy, and you just…you really overwhelm me,” Harry went on, crossing his legs and turning to face Louis. “Like I’ve never felt like this about anyone before in my life. And––It’s a bit terrifying. And sometimes it makes me crazy inside,” Harry said tapping his chest. “It’s not a bad crazy,” he said quickly. “It’s just…a lot of feelings. And sometimes I think…sometimes I need to just get away and  _breath_  because you make me feel so much.” 

Louis didn’t quite know how to react to that. What does one even say to something like that? “I…I’m sorry?” Louis tried. 

Harry let out a little laugh, and God how Louis loved to hear that laugh. “Don’t be sorry,” Harry said waving a hand. “I just wanted to tell you. So you wouldn’t be mad or confused if I, ah, need some space sometimes.” 

Louis smiled and nodded. “It’s perfectly fine, babe,” he said, pecking a quick kiss atop Harry’s head. “Oh, um, was that okay?” Louis blushed, turning away. 

Harry smiled and wrapped his arms around Louis’s waist, flopping back down onto the mattress and tangling their legs together. “Totally fine,” Harry hummed. “It’s only sometimes, Lou.” 

And Louis came to understand that those ‘sometimes’ were at night. At night when Harry wanted to cuddle Louis to sleep, but his body wanted other things. Harry wasn’t ready for any of that just yet, and it frustrated Harry that his body would go against him like that. Louis knew all he wanted was to cuddle and sleep, and Louis would never do anything Harry did not want to do. It was Harry who didn’t trust himself. Harry who felt like he wouldn’t be able to stop. And he just wasn’t ready to do sexual things yet, even if he wanted to. It was also nights that nightmares of Ralph plagued him. And Louis hated that he couldn’t be there for Harry. 

Anyways, it was about a week after Danielle told Louis and Zayn about the fate of Lego House that Harry found out. Louis came over with Nandos and found Harry sat quietly on the sofa watching TV. 

“Hey babe,” Louis said sweetly, flopping down beside Harry and emptying the contents of the Nandos bag onto the coffee table. “What’ch you watching?” Louis asked glancing over at Harry. Harry shrugged his shoulders and curled into himself, scooting away from Louis a bit. His eyes stayed stonily focused on the telly. 

“Harry…” Louis began, his veins starting to flood with panic. 

“I’m fine,” Harry said curtly. 

Louis pulled a face. “Don’t start that shit with me, Haz. Not gonna work on me. What’s wrong?” 

Harry folded his arms and bit his lip. “When were you guys planning on telling me?” 

“Telling you wh––? Oh.” 

Harry nodded his head with a bitter smirk. “Oh.” 

“Harry, I’m sorry,” Louis said, feeling a thick layer of guilt settle at the pit of his stomach. 

Harry sighed. “I just…I’m not mad, okay?” he said quickly. “I just don’t get why you guys didn’t tell me? I know you guys have known for a while.” Harry sucked his bottom lip between his teeth and looked away. “I’m not going to fall apart y’know.” 

Louis caught one of Harry’s hands in his own and willed Harry to face him. “I know. We just, we like seeing you happy, and we didn’t want to upset you. I mean, this is a big deal, yeah? We were afraid, and it’s entirely our faults.” 

Harry shook his head. “It’s not,” he said quietly. “If it wasn’t for me being so fucked up in the first place then you guys would have no reason to worry––“ 

Louis pursed his lips in a sassy little face that always made Harry smile. “Harry, stop that right now. It’s not your fault, okay.” 

Harry sighed but did not argue further. 

“So how’d you find out anyway?” Louis asked after a moment, kicking back and passing Harry a plate of his favorite spicy chicken. 

“Heard Rebecca and Danielle talking about it this morning,” Harry said through bites of chicken. “Went down to Dani’s for some pancake mix and the front door was open and I could hear them talking inside. Dani was talking about her plans to move in with Liam after Lego House is sold, and Rebecca said she and the kids were going to go live with her mum for a bit. I kind of pieced things together after that. They also talked about me a bit so,” Harry shrugged. 

Louis brought a hand up to card through Harry’s hair. He scratched lightly the way Harry liked before pulling Harry’s head into his chest. “I’m sorry we’re really shit at all of this,” Louis breathed, before pressing a kiss against Harry’s curls. 

“’S okay,” Harry murmured against Louis’s t-shirt. 

“We just all really love you, Haz. Sometimes that makes us a bit stupid,” Louis said, hooking his chin atop Harry’s head. 

“I like that you care,” Harry said quietly before setting in against Louis and refocusing on the telly, his chicken laying forgotten on the other end of the sofa. 

—— 

The next morning Harry woke up antsy. Everyone now knew that he knew about Lego House and they were all walking around him on eggshells and Harry was  _frustrated_. He didn’t see Louise today for therapy and Louis wouldn’t be round either because he had to help his friend Stan move into his new apartment. Harry felt like he was suffocating. He couldn’t leave his flat without seeing all their concerned eyes that practically screamed  _‘Is he okay?’ ‘Is he going to off himself again?_ ’ And he couldn’t leave Lego House period because someone always had to be with him, plus he was also incredibly afraid because Ralph was still out on the loose. The only ones that kept him sane and didn’t treat him like a mental case or a baby were Zayn and Niall, bless them. Niall especially didn’t give a fuck. They played FIFA all morning, and Harry vented his frustrations to the two. 

“Do ya think maybe you want to get away from here for a bit?” Niall suggested. “You can come stay at mine for the night.” 

Harry smiled in appreciation but shook his head. “”S okay. Plus I’m a bit of a handful at night,” Harry added a bit bashfully. 

Niall rolled his eyes and gave Harry a little pat on the back. “Ey don’t be all down on yourself,” Niall said, whistle furiously clicking down on the buttons of his controller. “And I’ve got experience with dealing with crazies,” Niall added, and God Harry really loved that he had no censor. “Took care of Louis, didn’t I? Liam and I are pros. We got him clean. Quite proud of that,” Niall said shooting Harry a toothy smile before scoring the winning goal and jumping up onto the sofa throwing his arms up and wailing a victory screech. “Fuck yeah! WOOOO! Who just beat your asses? NIALL FUCKING HORAN!” 

Harry was  _really_  glad Zayn had good taste in boyfriends. 

Louis  _did_  end up coming over, though very late. It was nearly ten when he arrived, usually the time he’d be leaving. 

“What’re you doing here?” Harry asked when he opened the door, because of course Louis had failed to inform him of his arrival. 

“Seeing my gorgeous boyfriend,” Louis said, pecking Harry’s lips with a chaste kiss. 

Harry beamed at Louis and Louis beamed back. “Well c’mon in then,” Harry said, opening the door wider to let Louis squeeze past. Harry followed Louis over to the sofa, and something bubbleed inside him as he watched the way Louis moved, the strain of his muscles under his tight shirt, the curve of his back, his bum…Suddenly he thought of Niall’s offer, to get away from Lego House for a night. Only he didn’t want to stay with Niall…

“Hey, Lou?” Harry asked, bounding over and wrapping his long arms around Louis’s middle.

“Yeah?” Louis said sweetly, a smile still spread across his lips. 

“How ‘bout we go to yours tonight?” Harry said tentatively.   

Louis’s brows furrowed and he turned around in Harry’s arms. “What’d you mean?” 

“I mean––“ Harry bit his lip and sighed. “It’s fine if you don’t want to, I just…I need to get out of here. Everyone’s been looking at me all weird since I found out about Lego House and they’re all waiting for me to blow and it’s suffocating. I just…I need to get away for the night. And I think I’m ready for us to…you know,” Harry said, inclining his head suggestively. 

Louis’s eyes widened slighting. “Oh.” 

Harry bit his lip harder to keep from grinning and nodded his head. “Yeah, yeah,” he breathed. “So…Can we go to yours?” he asked again, tracing light patterns over Louis’s chest. 

Louis nodded back a little starry eyed. “Yeah, okay.” 

“Okay, stay right there,” Harry said walking down the narrow little hallway to his bedroom. He appeared a moment later with a little duffle bag. Louis tried not think of the last time he’d seen that duffle bag…

“Alright let’s go,” Harry grinned, taking Louis’s hand in his. 

“Wait, wait,” Louis said staying rooted in place and pulling Harry back. “Where is everyone? Shouldn’t you tell Gem or Zayn you’re leaving?” 

“Gemma fell asleep an half hour ago and Zayn is out with Niall. I left Gemma a sticky note on her forehead,” Harry said, chuckling to himself. 

Louis pursed his lips and tried to keep a straight face. “Harry, she’ll worry,” Louis tried to reason. 

“I left a note!” Harry protested. “Plus she’ll never let me go if I asked. Despite the fact that I’m an adult and have been living a very adult life for some time now, she still thinks I’m twelve,” Harry said rolling his eyes. 

Louis bit his lip and debated the issue for a moment before taking Harry’s hand and heading straight for the door. “You’re lucky you have an equally rebellious boyfriend,” Louis said, whirling them around and kissing him at the threshold before they tiptoed into the hallway and made the very perilous journey down the three flights of stairs. They were nearly home free when Sandy and Josh rounded the corner on the first floor landing. 

“Oh, hello boys,” Louis said innocently, and Harry quickly hid his duffle bag behind his back. 

Josh narrowed his eyes and Sandy poked his head around Harry’s back and then raised a brow. “Jail break?” he asked with a smirk. 

Harry rolled his eyes and Louis pointed to down the first floor corridor shouting “Oh my god look it’s Eleanor making out with coffee mug, gross!” before quickly pushing past the two and running down the final flight of stairs. 

Harry was in a fit of laughter as they barreled through the front door. “That––was––hilarious,” Harry panted, catching his breath. “Pretty sure Josh actually looked.” 

Louis shook his head, chuckling, and began to walk down the street. Harry was turning in the opposite direction. “Where you going, Lou? Bus stop’s this way.” 

Louis spun around, his mouth gaping slightly. “Please tell me I did not forget to mention I bought a car last week,” Louis said  covering his face with his hands. 

“Might’ve forgotten to mention that,” Harry said. 

Louis groaned. “So much has been going on,” he said shaking his head. “Well, I got a car,” Louis said. “It’s pretty shit, but I figured having a car would kind of make life easier, especially with visiting you at odd hours.” 

“Or sneaking me out at 10:30 in the evening,” Harry added. 

“Or that, yes.” 

“Such rebels we are,” Harry smirked, following Louis over to a little, dark blue car. “It’s cute,” Harry purred. 

Louis shoved him playfully. “Shush.” 

“Gonna have to make you a playlist for this thing.” 

“I thoroughly look forward to that.” 

The drove across London for fifteen minutes before arriving at Louis’s. Harry hadn’t been here in ages it felt. It was odd considering they spent so much time at Louis’s in the beginning of their friendship. Lego House had taken over, though. Lego House had become their proper  _home_  in may ways. That thought brought on a sudden bout of sadness and nostalgia and Harry tried to push it away and focus on Louis who was now palming the wall beside the door for the light switch. A few moments later he found it and cast the flat in a dim yellowish glow. 

“You hungry?” Louis asked, strolling over to the kitchen and dumping his keys in the little bowl at the end of the counter. 

Harry shrugged. “I ate some chicken parm with Gemma earlier.” 

Louis laughed and made a face. “Oooh fancy. I had a turkey sandwich.” 

Harry hissed with laughter and locked eyes with Louis. “Do you want  _me_  to make you something?” 

Louis shook his head quickly and fluttered a hand. “No, no, no. Come on, I’ve got snacks and movies and––“ 

Harry cut off Louis with a kiss to the lips, and Louis gave a small strangled noise before melting into the kiss. It was a deep kiss, deeper than any of the kisses they’d shared lately. Louis followed Harry’s lead, not wanting to push him. But Harry was not holding back today. He poke Louis’s lips with his tongue and Louis quickly complied, opening his mouth and letting Harry slip in, their tongues sliding together expertly, tasting and exploring as if it were their first time properly kissing. In many ways it felt like it was. 

Harry tugged Louis by the shirt, lips still attached and began walking backwards, pulling them towards Louis’s bedroom. It might’ve been a while since he last visited, but the way to Louis’s room was permanently engrained in his memory. 

They collapsed onto Louis’s bed in a heap, Louis flopping on top of Harry, their teeth knocking together. Harry burst out into laughter whistle Louis howled as he accidentally bit down on his own lip. “Fuck,” he laughed, tears springing forth. 

“”M sorry,” Harry giggled as he propped himself up on his elbows and scooted himself further up the bed. Louis followed after him, already tugging out of his jeans. They undressed each other frantically, and Louis slipped his hand over to the bedside table drawer pulling out a bottle of lube and a condom, tossing them at Harry. 

Harry swallowed and glanced down at the square little package in between his fingers before shaking his head, curls falling into his eyes. “I want you to…” Harry said softly. 

Louis looked hooked his finger under Harry’s chin and lifted his face up so that their eyes locked. “You sure?” he asked carefully. 

Harry nodded. “I want…I want to feel  _you_.” And Louis seemed to understand. 

“Okay,” he said softly, pecking a quick kiss to Harry’s lips before taking the condom from Harry. “Here, lay down, babe.” Louis’s voice was gentle and soft like a feather. Harry felt so good…so…Louis slicked up his fingers and gently spread Harry’s legs, ghosting his fingertips over Harry’s entrance. Harry shivered at the touch. Louis was so, so gentle. Louis started off slow, taking care to open Harry up, asking if he was okay before proceeding…Harry’s breaths were coming out shallow far too soon, and it had nothing to do with the sex. He was so  _overwhelmed_ …Louis was so loving…and…and Harry deserved this. He always had. He knew that now. And he was so…so _angry_  that he’d been deprived of this. Angry at Ralph for fucking him up, for making him feel like he didn’t deserve to be loved like this, to be loved by Louis. Harry felt the sting in his eyes and the frowning of his lips and the little strain in his nose as his emotions filled him up and brought him to tears. He hitched his breath and cried silently for a few moments before Louis caught on. When he looked up to see if Harry was okay he noticed the shuddering breaths that didn’t stop when his fingers stopped moving. 

“Harry?” Louis said quickly, his voice cracking a little. He carefully pulled his fingers out and crawled up beside Harry cupping his face and pressing their foreheads together. “What’s wrong, Haz? Babe, what’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” he murmured. “Haz, I’m sorry, you should have said something, you should have told me to stop, Haz, I’m so so sorr––“ 

Harry shook his head and reached up between him to wipe at his eyes with trembling fingers. “’S not you,” Harry whimpered. “I just…Overwhelmed,” Harry choked out. 

Louis nodded, understanding, and pressed a kiss to Harry’s shoulder. “It’s okay, it’s okay. We don’t have to do anything. We can just sleep.” 

“‘M sorry,” Harry said through a small sob. 

Louis shook his head. “Shh, don’t be.” 

“I want to,” Harry said softly. “I just…You’re so gentle…And you make me feel…I never had this. I mean even when we were together before, I never felt that I deserved it,” Harry tried to explain. “But now I know…I know that I do. And it’s a lot for me.” 

Louis smiled softly. “It’s perfectly okay, Haz. You can take all the time you need. I’ll still be here. I love you, okay?” Louis said softly, nudging at Harry’s forehead.

Harry sucked in a breath and nodded. “I…yeah.” 

And Louis understood that too. It was still overwhelming, it was still a lot, and he was perfectly fine with waiting for Harry. 

They threw Louis’s duvet over them, not bothering to get dressed again, and Louis cuddled around Harry despite being smaller, holding him tightly in his arms. They continued to murmur things to each other as they drifted off to sleep, little conversations that stopped and started.

“Can we get a pet fish?” Harry asked at one point, just before nodding off. 

Louis grinned against Harry’s skin and nodded softly. “Sure,” he murmured before nuzzling into Harry. 

They fell asleep like that, curled up talking about nothing and making plans to buy fishes together. It was the first night of many. They had a long way to go but Louis had a feeling that things were finally settling down. They were going to be okay… As okay as they could be.  


	17. Kiss Me//Spark

Two little fish swam circles around each other in their little tank atop Harry’s dresser as his hand hovered above them, little pebbles of fish food slipping through his fingers into the water. 

“We’re going to have to pack them up soon,” Louis said coming up behind Harry and hooking his chin over his shoulder. 

“We’ll take them to yours tomorrow,”  Harry sighed, wrapping Louis’s arms across his middle and resting his hands atop Louis’s. 

Tomorrow seemed to be their excuse for weeks now. They’d been pushing off the moving process, pretending that if they procrastinated long enough, tomorrow would never come. But no matter how much they pretended, tomorrow had crept up on them and now today’s tomorrow would be the last tomorrow for them at Lego House. 

The past few weeks had past in a blur of cuddles and mugs of tea and quiet mornings and lazy evenings. Life went on, day by day, some were better than others, some were down right awful, but they managed. 

***

It was a few days after Harry and Louis spent the night together that Gemma moved out. Sort of. 

Harry and Louis stumbled over the threshold to find Gemma lugging her bags down the hallway. 

“Erm, Gem?” Harry asked, furrowing his brows. 

“Oh hey, Harry!” Gemma smiled breathlessly, swatting a loose strand of hair out of her face. 

“Um…what are you doing?” Harry tried again, slowly approaching. 

“Well, you and Louis are––I figured you two might want some privacy around here…and Louis, Louis you’re great with Harry…and I just––“ 

Harry broke out into a huge grin and wrapped his arms around his sisters tiny frame. “You don’t have to  _leave_ , Gem,” Harry laughed. “I like having you here. At least stay until Lego House closes.” 

“Erm…well, actually––“ Gemma said, squirming out of her brother’s hold. “I’m moving in upstairs…” Gemma pointed upwards. Harry frowned in confusion.

“Upstairs where?” 

“With Eleanor!” Gemma nodded excitedly. “And Danielle,” she added. 

Louis and Harry exchanged bemused looks. “…With…Eleanor?” 

“Did I hear you correctly?” Louis said perking up his ear. “You didn’t say Eleanor, right? Tell me you didn’t say  _Eleanor_.” 

Gemma rolled her eyes. “Oh shove off the pair of you!” she said, giving them each a whack on the arm. “She’s not  _that_  bad. Once you get to know her.” 

“And you’ve gotten to know her then, have you?” said Harry. “Did you get to know her _real well_?” 

“Did she tell you her coffee order yet?” Louis chimed in.

“Has she showed you her exotic dance moves?” 

“Enough,” Gemma said, holding up a hand. “We get on, okay? She’s nice. We like a lot of the same things––“ 

Harry raised a brow. “Sounds like you two like each other  _quite_  a bit.” 

Gemma rolled her eyes. “It’s not like that.” She shoved past the two boys, luggage in tow. 

“Whatever you say,” Harry said holding up his hands. Gemma stuck out her tongue at them before slipping out the door. 

“They’re fucking,” Louis said as soon as she was gone. He strolled over to the sofa and plopped himself down. 

“Ugh,” Harry pulled a face. He did not want to think about his sister fucking  _anyone_ , let alone _Eleanor_.  

“It’s weird,” Louis said crinkling his nose.

“Yeah, lesbian sex…” Harry cringed a little, throwing himself down beside Louis. “ _Vaginas_.” 

Louis let out a tinkering laugh. “No, it’s not that. It’s just–– _Eleanor_.” 

“Oh right…Eleanor.” 

They were quiet for a moment and then simultaneously a shudder passed through them. “Images are permanently seared into my brain,” Harry whined. “I’m going to need extra therapy now.” Harry turned to Louis and pouted his lip, letting his head loll against the back of the sofa. Louis leaned over and kissed his pouting lip. 

“How about we watch a movie to get those awful images out of your head?” Louis suggested in an animated voice. 

Harry pretended to ponder the thought for a moment, index finger poised against his chin. “Hmmmm…Okay!” Harry agreed after a moment, hopping off the couch to turn on the telly. “What do you want to watch?” 

Louis shrugged. 

“All we’ve got are Zayn and Niall’s disney movies,” Harry said, nudging the stack of DVDs on the floor. 

“Well pick one then,” Louis said, reclining back against the sofa. 

“I don’t want to pick something you’ll hate,” Harry said rummaging through the stack. 

Louis let out a tsking sound. “It’s Disney movies, who doesn’t like Disney?” 

“Okay…true.” Harry stood back up, having made his selection.

“So. What’d ya pick?” Louis asked, propping himself up on an elbow to see. 

Harry held the DVD box against his chest. “Finding Nemo.” 

“That’s Disney- _Pixar_ ,” Louis corrected holding up a finger. 

“Well are you opposed to Pixar?” Harry asked, popping the disc into the DVD player.

“No,” Louis shrugged. 

“Then shut up,” Harry grinned, before pouncing back onto the couch. 

They ended up making a marathon of it, following Finding Nemo with The Little Mermaid. 

“Flounder is so cute,” Harry murmured. “I want a Flounder.” 

Louis’s eyes crinkled with a fond little smile. “You also said you wanted a Nemo.” 

“Yes. I want a Nemo and a Flounder,” Harry said, hugging his arms around one of the sofa pillows. Harry looked so young and so adorable. Louis wasn’t used to seeing Harry like this, but over the past few days he’d been seeing more and more of this youthful Harry. It was so different…He’d never really seen him like this. There had been glimpses of this Harry early on, back in the beginning when they used to hang out after Louis’s shifts and go to the arcade to play games. But even then Harry had seemed older, more mysterious, shadowed by that protective mask he aways used to wear. But now things were different. Harry was no longer being weighed down by secrets, no longer being hurt and abused. And he was no longer selling himself for sex. For the first time ever, Harry finally seemed like a normal, teenage boy. Or as normal as he could get, considering everything that had happened. Right then and there he was just an eighteen year old kid watching Disney movies on a Saturday with his boyfriend, begging for a pet fish. 

Louis shook his head a little, coming back to reality and his lips twisted into a smirk. “Sorry to burst your bubble, babe, but Nemo and Flounder are salt water fish and those are too hard to take care of.” 

Harry frowned and bit the inside of his cheek. “Hmm. Well I’ll just get two random fish and name them after Nemo and Flounder.” 

“You sound like you’re five,” Louis jested. 

“Hey, gotta catch up on my lost childhood, remember?” Harry said throwing his arms up in the air. Louis knew Harry meant it as a joke, but his words hung there, suspended between them, and their eyes caught and they both knew that the joke wasn’t much of a joke.

“Harry…” Louis said softly, reaching up for Harry’s hand. 

Harry brought his arms down and shrugged away, curling into himself and refocusing his attention to the movie. “It’s fine,” Harry said keeping his eyes on the telly. 

Louis switched the movie on pause. “Hey, you know you can talk to me about this stuff, okay?” Louis said talking to Harry’s profile. “I know you’ve been acting happy lately…and we’ve been going out and doing fun things but––“ 

“I  _am_  happy,” Harry said, turning slowly to face Louis. “I am,” he repeated quietly. “Promise.” 

Louis nodded and took Harry’s hand in his. “Alright.” 

“I just––It’s true though. I missed all the best parts of being a kid. Sort of. Mum was depressed a lot. When I was really young it was good. Up until I was…nine I think. And I’d always wanted a pet but…when Mum got really ill that was out of the question. And with Ralph and everything…I mean I was fourteen when he started hitting me…I just––feels like I missed out,” Harry shrugged and wiped his eyes. 

“C’mere,” Louis said in less than a whisper, opening his arms. Harry didn’t hesitate, crashing forward against Louis’s chest. “We’ll go to the pet shop tomorrow, yeah?” Louis murmured against Harry’s curls. 

Louis could feel Harry’s smile against his chest. “Yeah.” 

***

They rose bright and early the following morning, showering together, dressing quickly, and stealing breakfast off of Niall and Zayn’s plates as they made their way out the door. 

“So what kind of fish do you want to get?” Louis asked as they rounded the second floor landing. 

Harry shrugged. “I dunno. I’ll pick something when we get there.” 

They jogged down the last flight of stairs and shoved past a half naked Josh who was falling out of a towel, toothbrush hanging out of his mouth. 

“Put that thing  _away_!” Harry hollered with a dimpling smile as Josh tripped up the stairs and flashed them. Josh flipped them the finger before picking up his towel and trudging back up the stairs. 

Louis smirked as he pushed the front door open, “Business as usual at Lego House, eh?” he said perking up his brows. 

The corners of Harry’s lips quirked up and he glanced down at the sidewalk trying to hide his beaming smile––and failing. “It’s not a normal day at Lego House until you’ve seen someone’s junk,” Harry said with a little shake of his head. They ambled over to Louis’s car which never seemed to leave the curb outside of Lego House these days. “God, I’m gonna miss this place,” Harry said softly, glancing at Louis over the top of the car. Louis gave him a tight little smile before they both opened their respective doors and slid into the car. They had come to an unspoken agreement that they wouldn’t talk about the move until it was absolutely necessary and so they let Harry’s words fall away and refocused their attention on the more pressing subject at hand…the fish. 

“Don’t get a goldfish,” Louis said suddenly as he put the key in the ignition. “Too cliche.” 

Harry nodded very seriously. “Okay. I promise I will not commit such a sin.” 

Louis could  _feel_  the waves of sheer sarcasm radiating off of Harry’s massive body. “You’re such a twat,” he said swatting Harry’s bicep playfully. 

Harry pursed his lips in the way that made them look like a bow and squinted his eyes as if to say ‘you love it,’ but his little act was suddenly cut short as he snapped out of it and started rummaging through his pockets. Louis pulled off the curb and shot Harry a questioning look. “You alright there, Hazza?” 

Harry bit his lip, face screwed up in concentration as he finally managed to wiggle whatever it was he was looking for out of his pocket. “Here,” he said tossing it over to Louis. It was a yellow tape with ‘For Louis’ written across the front in Sharpie. Louis stared down at it before glancing back at the road. They slowed at a light and Louis beamed over at Harry. “I told you I’d make you one for your car,” Harry said with a shrug. 

“When did you have time to do this?” Louis asked, because really, it was a wonder that he’d done it considering they’d been together nearly every minute the past few days except for Harry’s therapy sessions. 

Harry shrugged. “I found time…When you were sleeping…At therapy…Louise is cool…she let me work on it there sometimes.” 

Louis shook his head a smiled, Harry was just so––he was incredible. “Thanks.” He quickly darted his head across the console and pecked a kiss to Harry’s cheek. 

Harry’s cheeks colored slightly and he nodded towards the tape player. “Well…pop it in. See if you like it.” 

They only got through about four and a half songs before they pulled up at the little pet shop which was closer to Louis’s place, right around the corner from the little strip of shops where Starbucks and the arcade were located. 

“Nostalgic,” Harry said as they drove past the arcade. Louis beamed and turned to park around the corner beside the pet shop. 

They walked up to the shop side by side on the narrow pavement, fingers intertwined. When they reached the door, Louis held it open for Harry, smiling sweetly as the younger boy shot him a dimpled smile and ducked into the shop. Harry’s eyes instantly lit up as he glanced around the shop, and Louis tried not to be obvious as he watched Harry with a fond little smile. 

“Lou,” Harry said, all wide-eyed and sounding very far away. 

“Yeah?” Louis asked titling his head to the side to get a better look of Harry. 

Harry just shook his head and smiled. Louis felt his heart swell and he couldn’t help the feeling that spread through his chest all the way down to his fingertips and his toes. He never tired of seeing Harry smile. Especially after it had seemed to disappear for so long. His genuine smile was one of the best things Louis had ever seen. Harry smiled differently these days. There were no creases in his brows and his lips seemed to naturally quirk up with ease. And it was often Louis causing him to smile. And that just made him feel so— he couldn’t even explain it. Harry’s smile just felt right. Like something that belonged. Something constant. Something warm and safe. 

“What?” Louis asked, struggling to keep the giddiness out of his voice. He shook with a little puff of laughter. 

Harry turned towards Louis and leaned into his side, smile still stretched wide across his lips. Harry shrugged. “I’m just. I’m so happy.” 

Louis could have exploded right then and there from hearing those words. Instead he let his eyes crinkle in a smile that was just for Harry. “I’m glad.”

Harry leaned over and pecked a quick kiss on Louis’s cheek before bouncing back a little and smiling again. “Come on,” he said, wrapping his hand around Louis’s wrist and tugging him along to the back of the shop where the wall was lined with fishtanks. 

Harry was positively alight with pure joy as they went around the shop looking into the various tanks and comparing the different fish. Louis liked a red and white fish and tried to convince Harry to get it. “It could be Nemo,” Louis argued. “It’s got almost the right colors.” 

Harry just laughed and shook his head. 

“Oh come on, it’s adorable!” Louis pressed on, calling after Harry who was walking away from him. Louis let out a sigh and turned to the fish with an apologetic look. “Sorry little guy. Or girl,” Louis quickly amended. 

“Lou!” Harry’s voice came from somewhere close by. 

“Where are you?” Louis called back as he walked towards the voice. 

“Over here,” Harry said but made no effort to help Louis locate him

“And where exactly would that be––“ Louis said turning into an isle which he found Harry standing at the end of. “There you are.” 

“Look at these ones!” Harry said bending down to look into one of the tanks. “They’re kissing.” Harry let out a tiny laugh that was something like a giggle and Louis’s lips twitched up into a smile.

Louis crossed the remaining distance and came up beside Harry, bending over to make himself eye level with the tank. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Harry grinning like mad at the two little fish. He looked back at the tank and sure enough there were two slivery fish kissing each other. Louis had to admit, it was pretty damn cute. 

“I want them,” Harry said suddenly. 

Louis glanced back at Harry, took in that smile that was still ever present, and nodded. “Okay,” he said simply. 

They got one of the clerks to help them pick out a tank and all the right supplies and get the two little fish. Harry’s hand found Louis’s and they both smiled the whole time. 

When they went up to the counter to pay, Harry peered over to the window with a thoughtful look and Louis followed his gaze. In the window there was a handwritten sign.  _Help Wanted._  Louis glanced back at Harry and gave him a little look, tilting his head back to the sign. Harry gave a little shrug, and quirked one side of his lips. Louis knew that look: unsure. 

_I don’t know._  

Louis rolled his eyes and tilted his head to the cashier.  _Just ask._  

Harry let out a little sigh and smiled.  _Fine_. 

Harry cleared his throat. “Erm,” he said. “I actually was wondering about the job opening?” he said when the cashier looked up. His voice was steady, but Louis could see the slight tremor in his hands. He wanted to reach over and steady them with his own. 

“Oh,” the girl behind the counter said brightly. “We’ve been looking for someone for ages! I can give you an application. It’s really simple stuff.” 

The line above Harry’s brow disappeared and an easy grin spread across his lips. “Yeah, that’d be great,” he said. The girl turned around, rummaging about for the application papers. Louis turned to Harry and shot him a smile, quirking up his brows.  _Not bad_. 

Harry shook his head fondly.  _Shut up._

A moment later the girl turned back around with a few sheets of paper. “Here you go. You can fill it out and bring it back whenever. If you have any questions just give us a ring and we’ll be happy to answer them.” 

“Thank you,” Harry said, taking the papers. 

Louis reached over and grabbed their bags, and Harry stuck the application papers on top of the tank box. 

“Have a good day!” the cashier said with a smile. 

“You too,” Louis and Harry replied together. Louis held the door open for Harry again and they made their way down to the car. The day was sunny and the skies unnaturally clear. 

“Look at you go,” Louis said bumping Harry’s hip gently. 

Harry smirked and looked down. “It would be cool to work at a pet shop.” 

“Very cool,” Louis said, helping Harry fit the box into the back of the car. “I’m sure you’ll get the job.” 

They slipped into the car and buckled their seat belts. “Never really had a proper job before,” Harry said quietly. Louis reached out and squeezed Harry’s knee. “You’ll be great.” Harry relaxed instantly and gave Louis a smile with his eyes. 

“Thanks.” And then Louis just had to lean over and peck a kiss to his lips because Harry was just so beautiful and perfect and Louis wanted to make sure he knew that. 

“You’re the best, Harry, the best there is, okay?” 

That smile bloomed again, gracing Harry’s lips, dimpling on one side more than the other. “You’re pretty great yourself.” 

Louis turned away and put the car in drive. “If we stay here any longer I’m going to kiss the shit out of you,” Louis said pulling off the curb. 

*

Later, Louis lay sprawled across Harry’s mattress, the fish tank instruction manual covering his face. Harry let out a huffed breath from across the room but Louis’s couldn’t see him. It had been a good two hours since they got back from the pet shop and in that time they had discovered that they were not very good at following directions or assembling fish tanks. 

“We should have let that spotty bloke come over and assemble it for us,” Louis groaned from behind the instruction manual. 

Harry let out a laugh and padded over towards the bed. “I think I finally got it together, actually.” The bed dipped down and Harry stretched across, plucking the manual off Louis’s face. 

“Really?” Louis said perking up. 

Harry nodded and grinned. “I think so. We should test it out first. Before we stick the fish in.” 

“Right, right,” Louis nodded, swinging his legs of the edge of the bed. 

Sure enough, Harry proved to be a handyman after all. Everything worked perfectly. Louis turned to Harry, beaming as they let the fish loose into the tank. “I could kiss you right now,” Louis said suddenly. Harry turned away from the tank, eyes alight and a soft, lazy smile spread across his lips. 

“I’d like it if you did,” Harry replied, voice low and smooth. 

Louis lips twitched in an almost smile before closing the distance between them. He had to stand on his tiptoes a bit, but he really didn’t mind. His arms wrapped around Harry’s neck easily, and Harry wrapped one arm around Louis’s waist, pressing his hand at to Louis’s lower back, the other reaching up to cup his cheek. When they broke apart their eyes were sparkling and Louis’s skin tingled all over. He wanted to tell Harry how much he loved him right then, but he knew the words were still a bit intimidating to Harry, still made him tense up. Louis had a feeling though that Harry didn’t need words to understand how Louis felt. The look he was giving him spoken volumes. It said he understood. It said he felt it too. 

“Hello! Are you lovebirds here?” the front door slammed shut and Zayn’s voice boomed through the flat. 

“We brought lunch!” came Niall’s voice, and then there was a rustling that sounded distinctly like Nandos takeaway bags. “Liam’s here too!” 

Liam’s voice didn’t call out, but his level voice could be heard from the kitchen asking “Do you want any help?” 

Louis and Harry both let out a breathy laugh, shaking their heads. 

“Are you two going to come out of there or what?” Zayn called. 

“I swear I’ll eat your food!” Niall added. 

“Coming!” Harry shouted. 

Zayn let out a loud snort. “Alright, Princess, don’t leave a mess.” 

Louis glanced up at Harry quickly, afraid that the joke would rub him the wrong way, set him off, bring back unpleasant thoughts. But Harry only laughed. Threw his head back in laughter. “Come on,” Harry said, wrapping his hand around Louis’s wrist and leading him out of the room. 

“Ah, there you are,” Zayn said strolling out of the kitchen, paper plates in each hand. 

“I always clean up after myself,” Harry said in a low, almost seductive voice, plucking a plate from Zayn’s hand as he passed by. 

Zayn’s eyes widened comically and he shot Louis a look that said something like  _what’s gotten into him?_

Louis just smiled and shrugged because he really didn’t know. Harry was happy today, Harry was okay, and that’s all that really mattered.  

They all sat down around the television, a movie on that none of them really cared much about. They divided up the food and settled into comfortable conversation. Louis sat pressed into Harry’s side and they picked from each other’s plates, nudging each other with their elbows and feeding each other bits of food. 

“Gross,” Niall said, staring at the two of them. 

“Oh shut up,” Louis said tossing a chip across the coffee table at him. 

“Hey, hey! Don’t go throwing things at my man,” Zayn said holding his hands up. 

“No it’s okay, I accept food,” Niall assured. “You two are still gross though,” Niall said turning back toward Louis and Harry. 

“You’re one to talk,” Louis snorted. 

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“Mate, you and Zayners over here are the grossest of the gross.” 

“Nuh uh!” 

“Yuh huh,” Louis retorted. 

Harry nodded his head seriously. “It’s true.” 

“I must admit, it is,” Liam added. 

Niall scowled. “You guys are just jealous.” 

Niall stuffed his mouth with chips and crossed his arms. He looked quite comical with his cheeks puffed out, full of chips and his lips pouting. “You’re going to get frown lines,” Zayn said trying not to laugh. 

Niall chewed and swallowed and then flashed a grin. Zayn grinned back and they seemed to get lost in each other. 

“Hello, Earth to Ziall?” Louis said waving his hands. 

“And that’s why you two are the grossest,” Liam concluded with a satisfied little smile. Louis reached over and put up his hand. “Yes!” Liam high fived back and both boys earned themselves a firing of chips from Zayn and Niall. Louis retreated into Harry’s arms, and Harry hunched over him, shielding him from the onslaught of chips and laughing all the while. Louis could feel the laughter vibrating through Harry’s body, through his chest and his stomach making them both shake. Liam joined in, flinging chips back, and then they all fell onto Louis and Harry, rolling around on the floor and wresting each other. 

When they finally calmed down they all laid on the floor in a heap, chips all around them, chests heaving as they tried to catch their breaths. “So Louis and I bought fish today,” Harry said after a while, breaking the comfortable silence. 

“Like, like pet fish?” Zayn asked.

“Yeah.”

“What kind of fish?” Liam asked. 

“Kissing fish,” Harry said, his chest rising and falling from where he lay on the ground.

“ _Kissing_  fish?” Niall said, pushing up onto his elbows. 

“Yeah,” Harry giggled. “They kiss.” 

“That’s. That’s really gay,” Zayn said sitting up. 

Harry and Louis sat up too. “Well actually…I think they’re both boys,” said Harry. “So yes. Very gay.” He giggled again and Louis smiled to himself. 

“Let’s go show them,” Louis said getting to his feet. 

Harry perked up. “Yeah, come on!” 

Zayn rolled his eyes. “Alright.” 

Harry beamed and lead the way. “Here they are.” He gestured broadly towards the fish tank above the dresser and Niall and Zayn stepped forward to get a closer look. “What’re their names?” Niall asked pressing the tip of his nose against the glass. 

“Nemo and Flounder,” Harry said with a bubbling voice. 

“Oh God,” Niall said rolling his eyes.

“Gay,” Zayn said, though his eyes crinkled with a smile as he leaned forward to get a closer look. 

“I think it’s cute,” said Liam. 

“Thank you,  _Liam_ ,” said Harry. 

“Harry also applied for a job,” Louis announced. 

Harry groaned and hid behind Louis as the others all turned and congratulated him. 

“It’s not a big deal, really,” Harry assured. 

“Oh shush,” Louis said, tugging him forward. “It’s a big step.” 

“Yeah man, that’s great,” Niall said. 

Harry smiled down at his feet and shrugged. “I might not get it. I’m still a mess.” 

Zayn draped an arm over his shoulder. “You’re doing great. You’re getting better.”

“How can I work though if I’m still too scared to go out by myself,” Harry frowned. “It was stupid, I should have never asked for the job. I wasn’t thinking.”

“It wasn’t stupid,” Louis assured. 

“You can’t live your life in fear over that fucker. The cops are looking for him. They’ll find him,” Zayn said pulling Harry into his chest and kissing the top of his head. “I swear to you, they’ll find him, okay?” 

Harry nodded. “Okay.” 

***

Harry and Louis woke up a few mornings later, wrapped up in sticky sheets damp with sweat. The summer heat from outside pressed on all around them, making the air thick and heavy. The window beside Harry was all the way open, probably opened by Louis in the night, but it offered no relief to the perpetual heat. Outside the busy sounds of London could be heard down below, the buzz of life drifting up through the window into the quiet stillness of Harry’s bedroom. 

Louis groaned beside him and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. Harry kicked the tangled sheets off his body and Louis heaved a sigh, swinging his legs to the side of the bed and sitting up. He tilted his head to the side and stared down at Harry. “It’s so hot,” he groaned, his fingers reaching out and ghosting over Harry’s hip. 

Harry involuntarily bucked his hips upward just a bit so that Louis’s fingers properly touched him. “Cold shower?” Harry suggested lazily, the heat completely draining him. 

“Mhm, yes,” Louis nodded, tugging at Harry’s hand. Harry went up without a second thought and they stumbled out into the hallway and then into the bathroom. 

Louis wasted no time turning the water on and then stepped out of his boxers. Harry watched feeling a little far away and he traced his fingers idly over the scars on his arm like he did every morning and sometimes throughout the day. His scars were still healing, still had some rough scabs over them, and they felt like the perforated edges of notebook paper. His skin still itched. And he still had urges, even though he was okay now. Even though he was in a better place than before. Even though he had Louis. He still had urges, because at the end of the day, he had been addicted to it. 

“Harry,” Louis’s voice called softly from across the room.  

“Mhmm?” Harry said, eyes returning back into focus. 

Louis’s eyes lowered to where Harry’s fingers were still tracing slow patterns across his arm. Louis was used to this by now. This little habit of Harry’s. And sometimes Louis even helped, tracing his own patters across Harry’s skin. But every time Louis always watched with intrigue. And maybe even a dash of worry. Harry hated that he made him worry, made him wonder if he was just going to slip back into it again. But at the same time Harry knew what that worry meant, it meant that he cared. And that made it a little bit okay. 

Louis’s eyes traced back up to Harry’s and he nodded his head to the side, “C’mere,” he said reaching his hand out. 

Harry crossed the distance, shuffling on his clumsy feet, and fell into Louis’s arms. “You okay?” Louis said softly, his lips pressed against the shell of Harry’s ear. 

Harry nodded against Louis’s cheek. “Yeah,” he said, voice cracking from disuse. Louis pulled away and smiled up at Harry in a way that was like pure sunshine. “Lets shower, before we melt away,” Louis said wrapping his arms around Harry’s waist and walking backwards towards the shower. 

The water was cold, so cold. Goosebumps bloomed all across Harry’s body, but the water was refreshing, revitalizing, it made him feel alive. Louis gasped as the water drenched them both and they took turns washing each other’s hair and kissing lazily under the spray of water and giggling in between. Their hands roamed and their bodies responded, but Harry still wasn’t ready and Louis understood. 

When they were done they stepped out and wrapped each other up in towels, drying off before padding out of the bathroom stark naked. 

The hum of the television could be heard as they turned into the living room. Zayn and Niall were sprawled over the sofa in their boxers, each with a bowl of cereal in their hands. Harry turned to the kitchen and reached for a bowl of his own. “You want tea, Lou?” he asked, looking over his shoulder. Louis snorted and shook his head. “Not in this heat. I’ll just have some cereal too.” 

Harry poured a second bowl and then carefully balanced them in his hands as he made his way back. Louis hovered just outside the kitchen, eyes turned to watch the telly. 

Zayn and Niall turned just then, heads peaking out from behind the sofa. “Oi!” Zayn said letting his spoon drop into his bowl. Droplets of milk splattered onto Niall. “What’s with all the nudity!” 

Harry rolled his eyes and Louis snorted again. “Oh the tables have turned, Zayn,” Louis said, taking his bowl from Harry and strolling around the sofa. 

Harry grinned and followed. “What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked, sitting down on one of the beat up armchairs. 

Louis smirked. “First day I spent here, after we met, I woke up to Zayn making breakfast naked. 

Harry let out a booming laugh. Niall’s laugh pierced the air moments later. “Oh God.” 

“Well at least I leave memorable first impressions,” Zayn said in his defense. “Also I’m very proud of my man-bits.” 

Louis raised a brow. “Your ‘man-bits’?” 

They all stared at Zayn, their lips twitching on the brink of smiles. “What?” Zayn said innocently. 

“You’re a dork,” Niall said swatting him on the shoulder. “A bloody dork.” 

“But you love it.” 

“I do.” 

“This is getting gross,” Louis said turning his back to them just as they started kissing. 

Harry laughed and turned away too, catching Louis’s eyes. Harry smiled and Louis smiled back and it was fond and warm and maybe they were a little gross too. 

*

When they went downstairs later to take Harry to his therapy appointment, they found that Gemma and Eleanor had mysteriously taken off durning the night. 

“What do you mean they mysteriously took off during the night?” Harry inquired of Danielle, his brows furrowing in confusion. 

“I mean exactly what I mean. They mysteriously took off during the night,” Danielle repeated. 

“But that makes no sense why would Gem mysteriously take off into the night with Eleanor?”

“ _Eleanor_ ,” Louis added for emphasis.

“Look I don’t know,” Danielle sighed. “They were gone when I woke up and El took a bunch of her clothes and things so.” 

“Have they gone  _mad_?” Louis exclaimed.  

Harry shrugged, still looking surprised, even though he really shouldn’t have been. “Well I mean we  _did_  suspect something was up…” 

Louis let out a puff of air that was something like a laugh. “God, life’s crazy, eh, Haz?” he said, throwing his arm over Harry’s shoulder. 

“Crazy, definitely,” Harry mused. “Unpredictable.” 

Louis drove Harry to his therapy session and they listened to more of the mixtape. It was long and the songs varied and were scattered across various genres and it was just so  _Harry_  and Louis loved it and Harry loved that Louis loved it and things were okay.

Harry went in for his session with Louise and Louis killed time like usual. Louise asked Harry about his feelings and she asked him about life and they talked about Lego House and love and home and Harry tried to figure out what home really meant. Because his home was being teared down in just a few weeks and he wasn’t sure what to do or how to feel about that. Louise asked him to think about home and what home means to him and Harry told her that he would and then the hour and a half was up and Harry was back in the car with Louis with the windows rolled down and the wind rushing through their hair. 

The music blared on, and their little slice of London sped by as they made their way back to Lego House. Harry turned to look at Louis, watching as he drove, unable to take his eyes off him. Louis was something special, Harry thought. Lots of thoughts swam around in his head as he stared at Louis. Half thoughts, barely formed thoughts, and very familiar thoughts, thoughts he still did not know how exactly to put into words. Harry felt like he was on the edge of something, something far bigger than himself. He’d been on this precipice before. Plenty of times. Suspended in that moment just before the fall. Falling and falling. He’d done it before, let himself fall into it all, or at least he’d tried. Half tried to let himself go, to give into his feelings and give himself over to Louis. He’d let himself half-fall plenty of times already throughout their story. But maybe it wasn’t about falling after all. Thoughts swam about and the music blared on and Louis’s eyes stayed trained on the road, oblivious to Harry’s gaze. Maybe it wasn’t about falling, Harry thought again, as he stared at Louis. Maybe he never needed to fall into Louis. Maybe that’s why it had never worked. He’d been broken before. Broken and unsure, throwing himself off cliffs in a desperate attempt to fall into something that would save him. But he wasn’t so broken anymore, and he didn’t need to fall. If anything, he needed to get back up. He needed to climb out of the trench, weave out of the maze, and finally reach Louis on solid ground. There were so many thoughts swimming in his head. They were good thoughts, encouraging thoughts. He was thinking about a million things at once, but somehow all together they all equated to Louis. Home, love, family, life, hope. Louis. 

Louis’s lips suddenly quirked up and Harry’s eyes responded to the motion, flicking quickly to take in the smirk. “You’ve been staring at me for a good five minutes. Now I’m starting to think I’ve sprouted a second head or something.” 

Harry let out a puff of laughter and looked down, shaking his head slightly and pressing his lips together in an attempt to hide his smile. 

“Or is it because I’m dashingly good looking and you just can’t keep your eyes off me?” Louis went on. 

Harry recomposed himself and looked up. “No you’ve definitely sprouted an extra head,” he joked. 

“Ah. Not again.” 

Harry laughed easily and looked away. He turned to look out his window, watching the buildings and cars pass. All his thoughts were bubbling over and his stomach was churning and there were words in his heart that he wanted to say. He opened his mouth to speak, but the words got caught in his throat. He let out a sigh and turned back to Louis. “You’re still dashingly handsome, even with an extra head,” Harry said instead, and Louis smiled and Harry smiled back and it was okay. He was nearly there, Harry reassured himself. Nearly out of the maze. 

*

A few days before the last day Louis and Harry lay awake late at night, or early in the morning depending on how you wanted to look at it. The summer heat had retreated, as usual for the unpredictability of London weather, and they lay curled under Harry’s quilt, wrapped up in each other, staring up at the ceiling and talking in hushed voices. The room was cast in blue shadows and a few cardboard boxes had found their way into the bedroom over the past few days. In the darkness they stood like dark masses, their shapes blurring and transforming to something intimidating. 

“What are you going to miss most?” Louis asked quietly after a long moment of silence had lapsed between them. His fingers twirled lazily around one of Harry’s curls and the motion sent shivers across his scalp and down his spine. “I dunno,” Harry shrugged, curling closer to Louis, bunching up the material of Louis’s shirt under his fist. They fell into silence again and Harry rolled Louis’s question over in his mind letting his thoughts swim, thinking about home and family and love and life. He tugged his quilt up higher and breathed in deeply. He felt so warm under the quilt and against Louis. He felt quite at home right there. Maybe this was all he needed to feel at home. “I think I’ll miss the colors,” Harry said finally. 

“Mhmm,” Louis hummed. 

Louis’s arms tightened around Harry and Harry buried himself deeper into Louis’s skin, and he could feel himself taking root there.

“The colors were the first thing I noticed about this place when I gave it a proper look. That morning after,” Louis said, tracing patters against Harry’s shoulder blade. “When we were coming down the stairs, I was just…mesmerized or something. I’d never seen such a colorful place before. It’s the colors that make this place special,” Louis spoke quietly, his soft puffs of breath tickling against the top of Harry’s head. “It’s the colors that make this place alive,” Louis rasped in final profound note. Harry felt something stir deep inside him and God Louis was just something else, he thought to himself, lying there atop Louis’s chest, listening to Louis’s steady breathing, feeling the humming rhythm of Louis’s heart thumping between them, just soaking in everything Louis. 

“You’re starting to sound like Zayn,” Harry said after a moment, his words muffled against Louis’s skin. His lips quirked into a smile and a few seconds later a laugh tore from Louis’s throat and shook them both. 

“He’s rubbed off on me,” Louis said coming down from his laughter. 

“Oh has he now?” Harry asked, lifting his head slightly and cocking up a brow. 

Louis shoved him back down against his chest and hugged him tighter. “You know what I mean.” And Harry knew he was rolling his eyes and doing that thing with his lips that was something like a frown and a smirk at the same time. 

Harry hugged back, wrapping his arms around Louis and pressing a few lazy kisses to his skin. It was an overwhelming feeling, and he knew it’s name, and his lips mouthed the words with each kiss but he still couldn’t say it, he couldn’t say it and he felt inadequate because Louis deserved to know and Harry just, he still couldn’t.

He stopped kissing Louis’s skin and rested his cheek back down against Louis’s chest, squeezing his eyes shut and hugging tighter and tighter and trying hard to ignore the itch of his skin and the quiet murmur of voices in his head criticizing him for not telling Louis, for not saying those three simple words. Old demons lurked just out of reach silently chanting a mantra that Harry knew all too well full of viscous words and temptations. 

Louis rustled, pulling the quilt up farther and in his movements he adjusted them so that they both lay on their sides, foreheads pressed close together, eyes staring into each other’s. Louis’s were bleached pale in the moonlight, and Harry could see Louis behind those eyes, he could see into him, and Harry wondered if Louis could see the same thing looking back at Harry. The way Louis’s head tilted and his brows furrowed with curiosity told Harry that Louis could see into his eyes too. 

“What are you thinking about?” Louis asked, his hand finding Harry’s under the quilt. 

Harry shrugged. His lip began to tremble. He quickly shot his eyes down, he didn’t want Louis to keep looking into him. 

“Harry?” Louis’s voice was soft so soft. 

“Remember,” Harry said suddenly, “Remember when we first met, back when you were still trying to get clean?” 

Louis nodded. 

“And you would have good days and bad days? And sometime you’d be having a really good day but it would suddenly turn bad out of the blue?” Harry went on, voice trembling slightly.

Louis nodded again. 

“Well, it’s like that.” Harry wasn’t sure he was making much sense, but he hoped Louis would understand. 

Louis nodded again. “You used to always come and take care of me on the bad days. You knew just how to distract me from everything going in inside my head,” Louis said softly. 

Harry sighed. 

“I can take care of you too,” Louis murmured against Harry’s lips. “What’s the matter? Tell me. Let me in,” Louis said, voice barely audible. 

Harry let out a shaky breath and shut his eyes. “I’m just…I’m just feeling too much.” 

Louis’s arms snaked around Harry’s waist and pulled him in even closer. “What kind of feelings?” Louis asked pressing a kiss to Harry’s lips. 

Harry shivered. “All kinds,” he breathed. “Sad feelings about moving. Happy feelings about you. Mixed feelings about me. Dark feelings lingering there too.” 

Louis kissed Harry again…and again and again and again until Harry’s mind went blank and all he felt was Louis, Louis everywhere. Kinder voices spoke louder now, telling Harry that it was okay, it was okay to love Louis and it was okay to still not be able to find the words, and that it was all going to be okay one way or another. Louis was his spark, always had been. In the darkest of times, Louis had always been his light. 

***

The idea was proposed by Harry one night when they were all up late discussing party plans. 

“We’re not going to be around for Christmas,” he said. “Like here…at Lego House. And Christmases here were always the best. You guys haven’t gotten the chance to experience a proper Lego House holiday,” Harry said, turning to Louis, Liam, and Niall. “So I think we should have a Christmas party.” 

“But it’s July,” Zayn said slowly, staring at Harry as if he had five heads. He tilted his head to the side to blow out smoke, eyes still on Harry, waiting expectantly for him to reply. 

Harry rolled his eyes instantly. “Haven’t you ever heard of Christmas in July?” He threw his hands up into the air and let out an exasperated little huff. 

Louis watched with fondness, because really Harry was so cute when he got flustered. He tried fighting against the urge to lean over and kiss him, but eventually he caved and ended up throwing himself across the distance between them, pushing Harry down into the couch cushions as he pressed a sudden and furious kiss to his lips. Zayn and Niall groaned and Liam and Danielle let out little chuckles. 

“You’re cute,” Louis said after he pulled away and righted himself. Harry just looked up at him with those eyes, those big green eyes, sparking with a smile. A moment later his lips quirked up too, spreading into that easy grin that he’d been sporting as of late.

“You’re  _gross_ ,” Zayn said loudly, causing them to look away from each other. He tossed a crumpled up napkin towards them and then proceeded to tell them to go get a room if they were going to be eating each other’s faces off and making gooey lovey dovey eyes at each other. 

Instead they all stayed up and planned out the finer details of their Christmas-In-July-Goodbye-to-Lego-House shindig. 

And that’s how Louis ended up tangled in Christmas lights in the middle of the downstairs living room a few days later. 

“This is ridiculous!” Louis huffed, struggling to untangle the cords that wrapped around him. Harry was coming down the stairs just then and his eyes widened as a hand flew to his mouth to cover his laugh. Louis narrowed his eyes. “Don’t laugh at me, you! Come help me!” 

“You  _look_  ridiculous,” Harry laughed, stumbling over his feet as he crossed the room. “Here.” Louis ducked under a loop and Harry unravelled the rest of the wires. “There,” Harry said simply, letting the cords fall to the ground. 

Louis shook his head in disbelief. “How did you do that?” 

Harry shrugged. “Magic,” he said, wiggling his fingers and flashing a grin. 

Louis rolled his eyes. “Dork,” he said, before swooping over and pecking a kiss to Harry’s lips. 

“You taste like candy canes,” Harry said, eyes glinting mischievously. 

Louis smirked. “I may have broken into the candy stash early.” 

Harry shoved Louis away. “You sly dog.” 

“Stop romancing you two,” Danielle called as she hauled a large cardboard box down the stairs. “Less kissing, more decorating.” 

“You’re worse then Gemma,” Harry said, as he and Louis picked up the string of lights. “Speaking of which…You hear anything from El?” 

Danielle shook her head. “Tried calling but her phone went straight to voicemail.” 

Harry frowned. “Same with Gem. I swear if they’re not back for the party I’ll—I’ll…I don’t know I’ll get Eleanor banned from Starbucks or something.” 

“What about Gemma?” Danielle laughed.

“I’ll leave her all the green M&Ms. She hates them.” 

“They all taste the same,” said Louis.

“You try telling her that. She thinks the green ones are, I don’t know, made of some unearthly poison.” 

*

Louis tightened his arms around Harry’s middle and pulled Harry away from the fish tank where he had been feeding Flounder and Nemo. He pressed his face into the crook of Harry’s neck and smiled against his skin, inhaling deeply and breathing in Harry’s smell. He smelled like home. 

“Party’s gonna start soon,” Louis murmured against Harry’s collarbones, pressing a few light kisses there before turning his head sideways to look up at Harry. 

Harry sighed and let his head tilt to the side and rest against Louis’s. “I don’t want this to be the last day.” 

Louis nosed at Harry’s neck. “I know,” he said. “But might as well go out with a bang, yeah? One last hoorah.” Louis  waggled his eye brows and Harry shoved him away with a howl of laughter. 

“One last hoorah,” Harry echoed once he’d regained his composure. “Wooohoo,” he said lamely, shimmying his fists. 

“You’re enthusiasm astounds me, Harold.” Louis said pulling away and untangling his arms from around Harry’s waist. 

“I don’t need your sarcasm, Lewis,” Harry shot back, as they walked out of Harry’s bedroom. 

Zayn and Niall were out in the kitchen grabbing drinks and bags of crisps. “Grab something,” Zayn said to them as they entered the room. 

“Demanding,” Louis said sarcastically. 

“Shut up.” 

Louis chuckled and grabbed a bottle of soda while Harry took down a bowl of dip. Downstairs in the living room Dani and Liam were setting up the stereo and Josh and Sandy came down the stairs with a cooler of alcoholic beverages. “Not for you,” Josh said pointing a finger at Louis. “Or you,” Sandy said to Harry as they passed. 

They both rolled their eyes. “Don’t worry, we’ll be engaging in some sober fun,” Louis assured. 

They waited a half an hour for Cher and Rebecca to get off their shifts before starting the celebrations. A celebration to pay homage to their home. A celebration to say goodbye. A celebration to new beginnings. They all made a toast, (Louis and Harry rocking the ginger ale), and then Dani turned up the music and they celebrated. Louis, Niall, and Harry belted out an interesting rendition of Santa Baby, Niall dancing sexily with a pink boa he’d found somewhere. (“It’s Josh’s,” Niall whispered to Louis not so quietly.) 

An hour into the festivities, after Josh had beaten Zayn at some dance game for the fifth time despite his incredibly drunken state, the front door opened, and in came Eleanor and Gemma, both significantly tanner, with giant smiles on their faces and fingers intertwined. 

“Hello all!” Gemma called cheerily. “Sorry we’re late. Got a little held up in traffic.” 

The music blared on but everything else seemed to stop as all their eyes traveled down to Gemma and Eleanor’s intertwined hands. 

“I swear this house makes people fall in love,” Louis said finally. 

“Oh this is so lovely!” Cher said clapping her hands with excitement. 

Gemma blushed. “Oh yeah we’re um.” 

“Together,” Eleanor beamed. And wow, they’d never seen her look that happy. It was…nice. She didn’t look as scary. 

“Well congrats!” Niall shouted before raising his glass. “I propose a toast—“ 

“You just want an excuse to drink,” Louis chuckled, but they all raised their glasses nonetheless. “To Gemma and Eleanor.” 

“May their love be lesbiawesome!” Niall exclaimed. 

“You are so drunk,” Louis said shaking his head. But so was everyone in the room apart from himself and Harry, and so they all repeated Niall’s toast and downed their drinks. 

Once they all settled back down, Louis got roped into playing the next round of the dance game with Josh and he pecked Harry on the cheek, while Harry shouted at him to “Go get ‘em,” giving him a slap on the bum for good measure. 

Harry sat back and watched the others dance. 

All around him there was chatter and laughter and music.The Christmas tree they’d set up in the corner of the room twinkled lopsidedly at Harry and the colors on the walls seemed to illuminate brighter than ever, and right then and there, breathing in deeply and looking all around him, he could feel the very essence of Lego House filling him up inside. He felt golden, like the sun was inside his chest, right above his heart, with it’s rays reaching out, extending in every directions and filling up the broken pieces inside him. He was surrounded by the people that meant the most to him. And this,  _this_  was  _home_. 

“Harry!” Louis’s voice called, pulling Harry back in. He glanced across the room, finding Louis easily. Louis who was all smiles, cheeks flushed pink from the dancing. “Come on!” he called, motioning for Harry to come over. 

Harry felt a grin break out across his face, he’d been doing that a lot lately, grinning. It was a cheek-aching grin. The kind that revealed his dimples that Louis loved so much. “I’m not much of a dancer,” Harry called over the music. He was teasing though. He knew Louis would make him get up, would stomp over and drag him off the couch by the elbow if he had too.

“Get your bum over here!” Louis called jabbing his finger down towards the ground. “Right now!” 

Harry smirked and shook his head, curls bounce around and falling into his eyes. 

The next thing he knew Louis, Zayn, Niall, and Liam were all charging towards him from different ends, tackling him down on the couch, Louis falling right in his lap. They were a mess of limbs all knocking into each other, Niall swearing up a storm because he’d stubbed his toe, and Zayn yelling about his hair, and Louis all loud, screaming incoherent words and Liam’s pleasant laughter mingling in between while Harry groaned and shoved against them. “Gerroff!” 

“Not until you dance!” Louis said, tugging at Harry’s shirt. 

“Dance fucker dance!” Niall chanted. 

“That’s a very good song,” Harry said turning to point at Niall, before finally huffing out, “ _Fine_. I’ll dance.” 

Louis brightened, “Good,” he said sliding off Harry’s lap. Zayn and Niall wrapped their hands around Harry’s arms and guided him off the couch while Louis pulled Harry by the shirt front, walking backwards so that he was facing Harry, a wicked little smirk on his face. Liam slapped Harry on the bum and Harry gasped, dramatically turning his head to look over his shoulder. “ _Liam_!” 

Liam shrugged and grinned before taking a swing of his beer. Drunk Liam was weird, Harry decided. 

They suddenly stopped walking and Niall and Zayn let go of his arms, the two of them magnetizing and retreating off to some obscure corner to probably eat each other’s faces off. And then it was just him and Louis in the center of the room. Or at least that’s what it felt like because all he could see was Louis. The intense blue of his eyes and the curve of his jaw and his fringe falling slightly into his eyes and the thin line of his lips, his parted lips, which looked so kissable…And then there were hands on his hips, pulling Harry forward until his body was pressed against Louis’s. They were so close now, lips just barely touching, eyes on fire, blue to green, their breaths mingling together. Harry wrapped one arm around Louis’s waist, the other coming up to rest on his shoulder. The music pulsed around them, pulsed through them, their hearts beating in time to the beat. Louis rolled his hips slowly, and Harry quickly reciprocated the motion. Harry let his eyes flutter shut, pushing himself impossibly closer, until he and Louis were moving as one. Harry was suddenly flooded with memories of the last time they danced like this at another party. The party that came the night before the fire. The party Harry had had to leave to go meet Ralph. The party Louis had begged him to stay at. The party Louis got drunk at after Harry had left. Harry’s fault.

Harry squeezed his eyes shut tighter. No, it wasn’t his fault. Louis was okay. They were okay. Louis was here, Louis was pressed against him, and they were okay. More than okay. 

“Hey,” Louis breathed, his lips brushing against Harry’s ear. 

Harry opened his eyes. Louis stood there, eyes bright, lips still parted. And Harry kissed him then. Because he could. Because he was allowed to have this, he deserved all of this. He deserved Louis. And Louis wanted  _him_. And they were here, together, at Lego House, surrounded by their friends––their  _family_ , and this was home. All of this was home. 

“Let’s get out of here,” Harry said breathlessly pulling away. 

“Where––“ 

“Upstairs,” Harry said, pulling Louis towards the staircase by the wrist. 

They clamored up the five flights of stairs until they made it to the tiny narrow staircase that led up to the roof. Harry turned back to Louis grinned. “Come on.” He pulled Louis along behind him, carefully climbing up the steep staircase. At the top Harry fumbled with the latch on the door, his long fingers clumsily pulling the door open. 

The first thing he felt was a breeze of cool air. It blew across his face and through his hair and he fluttered his eyes shut and just  _breathed_. It felt good to be alive. And with Louis’s hand curled around his, he knew this was right where he belonged. 

They shuffled out onto the roof and Louis bumped hips with Harry and they kissed and smiled against each others lips before plopping down a few meters away from the edge. There were no conflicting feelings flitting around in Harry’s head this time, no desires to fly off the roof or splat down onto the concrete. His arms still itched and he still sometimes second guessed things, still had fleeting moments of doubt, still curled in on himself on particularly cloudy mornings, but he was better, he was definitely, undoubtedly better. 

Louis turned to him then and kissed him. “I’m really going to miss it here,” he said finally, pulling away. 

“Me too,” Harry sighed, turning back to look out at the skyline, their whole neighborhood sprawling out in front of them. He could see the flashing lights of Babylon in the distance and the traffic lights going down the main street, all a sea of green and red. Harry smirked, “Christmas colors,” he said nudging Louis and nodding towards the lights. 

Louis let out a soft, tinkering laugh. “Fits the theme. Ah, no, never mind, three lights just turned yellow.” 

“Damn those lights!” Harry said, feigning anger and failing miserably. They both erupted in a fit of giggles a moment later. 

“Remember when we had sex up here?” Harry mentioned casually after their laughter had subsided. 

“Mhmm,” Louis hummed. 

“That was pretty great,” Harry smiled, turning back to Louis, eyes glinting. “Even though I wasn’t…wasn’t okay at the time…I felt really…loved.” Harry swallowed around the word, he held his breath for a beat, and then Louis’s fingers reached out and ghosted along the side of his jaw. 

“’S because I lov––“ Louis cut himself off and bit his bottom lip. Harry shook his head. “No go on. You can––you can say it.” 

Louis nodded. “Okay,” he whispered. “It’s because–– I loved you then. And I love you now. I just love you.” The words hung between them, Louis’s thumb continued to stroke patterns against his cheek, and Harry felt something bubble up in his stomach. And his heart. And his toes. And his finger tips. And he knew exactly what it was, and he grinned wide in that moment, dimples and all, because he was ready to say it back. 

“Lou, I––“ 

“YAAAAAAAHOOOOOO!” The door busted open, and golden light flooded out onto the roof. Louis and Harry whipped their heads around to find Niall standing at the threshold with a bottle of vodka in one hand and a can of whipped cream in the other. The muffled voices of others could be heard coming up the stairs behind him. “FIREWORK TIME!” he hollered, before taking a swing of the vodka and spraying whipped cream into his mouth, or as close to his mouth as he could get. 

“You ruined the moment, Nialler!” Louis shouted getting to his feet and pulling Harry up with him. “We were about to engage in kinky sex.” 

“Very kinky!” Harry chimed, stealing a side glance at Louis who was laughing at Niall spraying whipped cream all over his face. He was slightly disappointed that their moment has been interrupted but he couldn’t be too upset because Niall looked ridiculous and  _was he wearing a pink mesh shirt?_  

Zayn and Liam appeared next, hauling the box of fireworks. “Are you sure this is legal,” Harry heard Liam mutter as they set the box down. Zayn shrugged indifferently. 

Danielle, Eleanor, Gemma, and Cher came next, chattering loudly and sipping bright colored drinks. “Don’t worry, Li,” Danielle said softly. “We’ve done this before. It’s tradition.” Liam seemed to relax a bit, his shoulders slumping down, and Harry shook his head and laughed to himself, before turning his attention back to Louis who was now helping Niall set up the fireworks. 

“Zayn! Keep your boyfriend away from the edge! He’s going to go stumbling right off!” Louis shouted as he quickly maneuvered Niall back towards the door.  

“Yeah, yeah I got him,” Zayn said, catching Niall from behind and pulling his back flush against his chest, swaying them back and forth. 

“Harry,” Louis called. Harry’s eyes landed back on Louis who was crouched down on the ground, rummaging through the box. “Come help me?” he asked softly. Harry nodded and shuffled over, kneeling down beside Louis. 

“Shit,” Harry breathed looking into the box. “How much stuff did they get?” 

“Niall said he knew a guy,” Louis offered with a weakly. 

They both let out nervous laughs. “This is legal right?” Harry whispered, suddenly sounding a lot like Liam. 

Louis stared back down into the box. “Well I sure hope so. Don’t really fancy getting arrested on Christmas.” 

“It’s not Christmas,” Harry pointed out.

“Fake Christmas,” Louis amened. 

Eventually they got all the fireworks set up, Gemma got down and dirty, shooing the two of them away because they  _clearly_  had no idea what they were doing according to her, and she and Danielle finished setting everything up. 

“I ge’ t’ light the firs’ firework!” Niall insisted. 

“Is that safe?” Danielle asked, turning to Liam. 

Liam mimicked Zayn’s shrug from earlier. “He’s done worse while drunk.” 

Zayn lit the match and guided Niall over to the first batch of fireworks. 

“I’m going to shit myself,” Josh said from somewhere close by.  

Harry shuffled closer to Louis and laced their fingers together. 

“THREE…” Niall shouted. “TWO…” He let go of the match. “ONE!” He and Zayn were running back to the others and then…

The sky lit up, purple, red, blue, green, gold. Colors bursting in the sky and showering down in a rain of sparkles. The sky looked like Lego House had exploded and all of it’s colors had burst into the sky in a colorful cloud of dust. The fireworks kept going off, one after another, loud pops mixing with the busy sounds of the city below. The gang were all screaming and shouting and laughing. 

“HAPPY NEW YEAR!” Niall exclaimed, brandishing his vodka bottle high over his head before pulling Zayn in for a wet slobbery kiss. 

“Wrong holiday!” Louis shouted back, earning him the middle finger from both Niall and Zayn. 

“This is definitely illegal,” Harry said, his voice jittery and his hands shaking from the excitement. 

“We might get arrested,” Louis said in a low voice, a little smirk playing at the corners of his lips, the fireworks reflecting in his eyes. 

Harry suddenly felt hot all over. “I bet you’d look sexy in handcuffs,” he said without thinking, in an equally low voice. It was getting hard to breath, the way Louis was looking at him, the way his lips were perfectly parted, the way their hips were only  _just_  touching. “We should probably escape while we have the chance,” Harry breathed, his eyes darting down to where Louis’s hands were now resting on his hips. 

“Mhmm,” Louis hummed. “Good idea.” 

It wasn’t difficult to sneak off, seeing as everyone was plenty occupied either kissing, or talking, or drinking. They climbed down the narrow staircase in silence and then trudged down the next two until they made it to the third floor. They stood outside Harry’s front door for a few moments, Harry’s back to the door and Louis in front of him. 

“I don’t usually bring boys back to mine,” Harry said smugly. 

“Mhmm, I’m your exception then?” Louis murmured, his lips ghosting over Harry’s neck and then traveling down to his collarbones. 

“Yeah,” Harry breathed. “Yeah I suppose so.” 

Louis left a small trail of kisses along Harry’s collarbones before pressing up against him. Their bodies both pushed against the door and their hands fumbled behind them for the doorknob and they stepped on each other’s toes. Harry giggled and they both looked down at their feet. 

“There’s still a puke stain on your door mat,” Louis noticed, as they both stared at the tan colored mat with the word ‘Welcome’ printed across it in black. 

“Huh,” Harry said. “Feels like ages ago, eh?” 

“Years.” 

“It’s only been like four and half months,” Harry said softly. It was weird to think about how much things had changed in such a short span of time. It was weird to think about how only less than five months ago Louis had not been a part of his life. He really couldn’t imagine what his life would be like without this boy. He couldn’t even really remember what life was like before Louis. He could remember the bad, certain horrible moments, like having to sleep around for money or dealing with bad customers or living on the streets before he met Zayn. But he couldn’t quite remember his day to day life. He couldn’t remember it just being him and Zayn in their tiny apartment. He couldn’t remember a time before Niall stealing all their food or constantly bringing home Nandos takeaway. He couldn’t remember a time before Louis sleeping next to him or watching TV and Disney movies or trying to cook him meals and failing miserably. It was weird to think of a time before him. 

“Feel like more,” Louis said, bunching his fist around the material of Harry’s shirt. 

Harry finally managed to twist the door open and he stepped backwards, pulling Louis along with him. Inside the flat still looked mostly the same. Boxes were packed and most of their personal belongings were all put away, but the furniture still remained. The living room looked the same as ever, battered old sofa in the middle of the room with the coffee table and old telly in front of it. The big arm chair still sat in the corner, some stuffing puffing out from a tiny hole on the side of the cushion. The kitchen still had a half empty fridge and the stove was still temperamental and the cabinets still refused to shut all the way. The spot were Zayn once greeted Louis naked didn’t look any different now than it did then. The world was still spinning, completely unaware that this was the last night any of them would spend in the building. 

And that realization is what had Harry spinning around and wrapping his arms around Louis neck and pulling him in close. “I want to be with you. Here. For our last night,” he whispered, eyes closed and just completely breathing in  _Louis_. 

Louis let out a shaky breath. “Are you sure?” 

Harry nodded his head, holding onto Louis tighter. “Yeah. I––I’m ready for this. I want to be with you.” 

“Okay,” Louis breathed softly. “Okay.” 

Louis’s lips found Harry’s, and their feet clumsily stumbled backwards, down the narrow little hallway until they were pushing past Harry’s bedroom door. They shuffled out of their shoes, fumbling some more and knocking their teeth together as they fell on Harry’s mattress in a heap. Almost everything in Harry’s room was packed away except for the fish tank glowing in the corner on top of his dresser, and his mattress and spring box. There were a few articles of clothing scattered around the floor, and some of Louis’s things on the night table, but other than that the room was stripped of all personal belongings, everything else either in boxes or already at Louis’s. Harry brought his eyes back to Louis, who was hovering over him and smiled. His fingers curled around the hem of Louis’s shirt and he started inching the material upwards. “Off.” 

Louis pursed his lips and resisted a smile, quickly lifting his arms and pulling his shirt off. He chucked it to the side and it disappeared somewhere into the shadows of the room. Louis bent down and kissed Harry again while his hands slipped under his shirt and traveled up his long torso. He kissed the corner of Harry’s mouth. Then his jaw. Then his neck. He kissed and nibbled and sucked, and Harry knew there’d be a bright red mark there in the morning. He let out a few breathy gasps as Louis’s fingers found his nipples, twisting them lightly. Louis continued to kiss his way down Harry’s neck until he reached the the swooping collar of Harry’s shirt. He bit down on the thin material and tugged lightly. “Off,” he mimicked with a playful smirk. 

Louis moved back to sit on his heels as he helped Harry out of his shirt. Harry’s long limbs tangled around the material and the shirt awkwardly got stuck with his head only halfway out. Louis chuckled softly and redirected Harry’s arms. 

“It’s not funny!” Harry cried, flailing his arms a bit and making the situation worse. “Get it off me!” 

“I’m––trying,” Louis said, trying to stifle his laughter. “Hold still and stop moving your arms about, will you!” 

Harry let out a little  _humph_  and flopped his arms down at his sides. Louis redirected Harry’s arms and moved his fingers to skillfully untangle the shirt. “There you are,” Louis said beamed when Harry’s face finally reappeared from underneath the shirt.

Harry squinted his eyes and pursed his lips trying to be serious. “That was absolutely  _not_  funny.”  

“It was pretty funny,” Louis said, nodding his head. 

“We are never speaking of that again.” 

“I’ll bring it up every time we have sex from now until forever.” 

“You’re the worst,” Harry scoffed. 

“You love me,” Louis grinned. 

Harry’s eyes widened and then a moment later Louis seemed to realize what he’d just said. “I mean––I, uh––“ Louis stammered. 

“Shh.” Harry reached out and pressed his fingertip to Louis’s hips. “It’s okay. I’m not going to break. I’m not going to––runaway or anything.” 

Louis bit his lower lip and nodded, ducking his head down and coming up close, so close. He was suddenly everywhere, all around Harry, and it was a little dizzying. In a good way. Harry could smell the soft scent that was so purely Louis. It was indescribable, something like vanilla and raspberries and aftershave and sweat. It was Harry’s favorite smell though. He wished he could just bottle it up. His lungs felt like they were on fire and Louis kissed him then, taking his breath away. Louis’s lips were soft against his. He tasted like peppermint and sparkling apple juice and sugar cookies. He tasted pretty damn good. Harry suddenly erupted in giggles at the thought and Louis pulled away, eyes sparking down at him. “What?” he asked quirking up his brows. 

Harry pressed his lips together and shook his head. “Come on, tell me!” Louis said, swooping back down and balancing his elbows on either side of Harry’s face. 

“You’re going to laugh,” Harry said, a slight blush dusting his cheeks. 

“Well that’s the point,” Louis said. “You’re laughing. I want to laugh too.” 

Harry rolled his eyes. “Fine,” he said, biting back a smile. “You taste really good. Like I want to eat you.” Harry fixed Louis with a very seriously look before rolling to the side and burying his face in his arms as he shook with giggles. Louis was right there beside him shaking too. 

“You want to  _eat_  me?” 

“You taste like cookies and apple juice,” Harry whined. 

Louis rolled his eyes, tangling his finger into Harry’s hair and pulling him close. “I seriously think you’re five years old sometimes,” Louis laughed, pecking a kiss to his smiling lips. 

“Seriously though, who doesn’t love apple juice and cookies?” Harry argued. 

“I don’t know, Haz,” Louis chuckled before rolling them back over and straddling Harry’s hips. 

They grew quiet again, their bodies suddenly aware of each other once more. Louis bent down and pressed his lips to Harry’s. Their lips glided across each other’s slowly. Harry’s hands tightened around Louis’s hips while Louis’s hands roamed across Harry’s now bare torso. Their lips parted and the kiss deepened all while Louis began slowly grinding his hips down against Harry’s. Harry could feel his pants begin to tighten and Louis was already growing hard too. A soft breeze blew in through the open window beside Harry’s bed and washed over their burning bodies. Harry could distantly hear the last dying pops of fireworks and the sound of chattering voices. Outside someone was blasting music too. Cars were driving on the streets down below. There were so many things happening in the world _right now_ , and yet to Harry all that mattered, the only thing that mattered in that moment, was Louis. Louis kissing him. Louis grinding down against him. Harry shuddered and gasped as Louis brushed against his growing erection  _just_  the right way. And he needed more. He need more of Louis. He let out a low moan and Louis pulled back slightly and looked down at Harry. His eyes were darker now, no longer pale blue. His fingers trailed down to the button of Harry’s jeans, eyes still locked with his. Harry nodded, giving the okay, and then Louis’s fingers carefully unlooped the button. His finger then moved to hook around the belt loops of his jeans and Harry arched himself off the mattress to help Louis get his pants down. 

Louis tugged. And tugged….And tugged. “Christ,” he breathed after a few moments. “Why must you insist on wearing the  _tightest jeans ever_?” 

Harry let out a breathy laugh and sat up, bending over to help Louis peel his jeans off. “They flatter my legs,” Harry shrugged. 

“Dork.” 

“We are not talking about this ever again either,” Harry said, kicking his legs and shimmying out of his pants. 

“Whatever you say, Curly,” Louis said, repositioning himself in Harry’s lap and gently pushing Harry back down. 

“No, stop,” Harry said raising a hand to stop Louis before could kiss him again. 

“What’s up?” Louis said. “Do you want to stop? It’s totally okay if you––“ 

“No, shut up,” Harry said waving his hand. “Take off  _your_  pants so we don’t have to keep stopping.” 

Louis snorted. “Okay,” he grinned, undoing his own pants and tugging them off along with his boxers. Harry got rid of his own boxers in the meantime, and then they were pressing up against each other again, skin to skin, fully exposed. 

Louis began moving in again, and Harry arched up to catch Louis’s lips with his own. They were clumsy with their kisses and Harry moved his lips to Louis’ neck while Louis’s fingers ghosted over Harry’s cock. Harry let out a little moan that was more of a whimper. He was aching for Louis to touch him. He needed Louis everywhere. He needed Louis touching and stroking him. He needed his lips and his mouth––

Louis’s lips began to trail down Harry’s torso, licking and kissing and sucking bruises to his pale skin. All his previous bruises from past abuses had healed by now, only a few fading marks here and there, but mostly his skin looked completely untouched. And so every new mark on Harry’s skin would only be from Louis. Marks of love, tenderly placed on his skin. Harry sighed at the thought, happy for once about the thought of bruises coloring his skin. He tangled his fingers in Louis’s hair as his head sunk lower, lips ghosting over Harry’s hips. Louis placed a kiss on either hip, and then ducked down lower to trail kisses up Harry’s inner thigh. Harry shuddered a bit as Louis moved upwards. 

“Lou…” Harry croaked, his voice sounding rough. 

Louis looked up through his lashes from where he was situated between Harry’s legs, and  _God_ , he looked so beautiful. Harry felt his stomach flutter and he just wanted Louis so bad. “Mhmm?” Louis hummed, his fingers replacing his lips and tracing patterns up his thighs. 

“I––uh,” Harry couldn’t really remember how to speak. “I want––“ 

Louis pressed another kiss to Harry’s skin all while keeping his eyes locked with Harry’s. “What do you want, Harry?” Louis said softly. 

“I want you to fuck me,” Harry said breathlessly. “I want––to bottom. I know––I know before I usually always––but this time––I just––I need to feel you…inside me. I need it to be you.” Harry’s chest rose and fell quickly. He was breathless and Louis wasn’t even  _doing_  anything. He was just sitting there between his legs, staring at him so intently with those sparkling eyes. “It’s been so long––since I bottomed with you. And just. The last few people that have––with me––haven’t been so nice….” Harry felt dizzy. Louis was moving closer, moving up towards him, and suddenly their faces were so close, not even inches away. Louis’s hand came to cup his cheek, this thumb stroking gently. 

“I love you,” Louis said sincerely, his voice low and soft and trembling just slightly. “I love you so much, and I want you to feel safe again. I want to take away all the bad memories, okay?” Louis’s voice was so soft, not just the tone, but…it was almost as if it were tangible, as if Harry could feel it under his finger tips, a certain softness that just wrapped around him from every direction, a softness that felt innocent and pure and safe and warm. “I want to make this feel good for you again,” Louis said even softer, his voice barely audible, just a breath of hot air against Harry’s skin as his lips ducked down to press against the inside of his collarbone. 

Everything was cast in a dark blue glow from the moonlight streaming into the room. Harry felt his vision blur around the edges, a little grainy, like an old photograph, as Louis went down on him. The warmth of his mouth completely enveloped him, going down as far as he could go, and making up for the rest with his hand drawing out tight, even strokes. Louis moved his tongue in just the right ways, flicking lightly over his head and sending shivers down Harry’s spine and into his hips where he bucked them slightly off the mattress and into Louis’s warm mouth. Little whimpers fell from Harry’s lips and he fluttered his eyes shut and let his mind go blank as Louis’s mouth continued to work on him. 

Louis’s lips pulled off a little while later and Harry whined at the sudden lack of heat. He palmed at the sheets and lifted his head slightly off the pillows to look down at Louis who was already replacing his lips back down to Harry’s thigh and working his way up and up and up until they were ghosting over Harry’s hole. Harry’s head dropped back down onto the pillow just as Louis’s tongue flicked around the tight ring of muscle. Everything was slow and drawn out, and even though Harry’s body just  _needed_  a release, Harry himself was totally okay with the pace. He liked that they weren’t in a hurry, that this wasn’t just some quickie, that they were actually like…making love. It was nice. Louis was gentle with him, his tongue carefully opening him up until his lubed up fingers replaced his tongue. 

Harry slowly began to rock back against Louis’s fingers, meeting his thrusts, his body desperate for more friction. Harry let out a string of soft moans as Louis stretched him. He wanted more. He need Louis inside of him. “Lou…” he whimpered. Louis slowed his fingers and looked up at Harry. 

“Yeah, babe?” 

Harry’s breath hitched and Louis bent forward to peck a kiss on his neck and then the underside of his jaw and then the corner of his mouth. “What is it, Haz?” 

Harry swallowed and cleared his throat. “I need you,” Harry croaked. “Want you.” Harry felt dizzy and breathless again. “Inside of me.” 

Louis and Harry locked eyes for a few moments, Harry’s chest rising and falling between them, and then Louis gave a tiny nod and leaned back, rummaging around for the lube and condom that he’d tossed somewhere on the bed. 

Harry waited patiently as Louis struggled to tear the condom wrapper open with his teeth. “Here let me,” Harry said with a breathless chuckle, making grabby hands at the condom. 

Louis huffed and handed it over. Harry tore it open with ease. Louis crossed his arms. “Well you’ve had practice,” he said with a pout. 

“I have many skills,” Harry said grinning goofily and leaning forward to roll the condom onto Louis’s cock. “But I’ll show you all the many things I can do another time,” Harry said smugly. Louis rolled his eyes and pushed Harry back down onto his back. 

“I know all the many things you can do. Remember we’ve actually had sex before?” Louis laughed. 

It was true, they’d had sex many,  _many_  times before. This was no first time, but in many ways this felt like a first time. It all felt so new with Louis this time. Before, Harry had been in a bad place. And while sex with Louis before had always been great, had always made him feel safe and loved, it had always been more desperate then. Then it had been a distraction or something to fill the void inside of Harry, something to make him feel less worthless and dirty. But now, now Harry was okay, as okay as he could be considering everything. And he was happy. And he had Louis and Louis loved him and he loved Louis. And this, this finally felt right. It felt like more than just sex. 

Louis pushed in slowly, little by little, giving Harry time to adjust. Once Harry felt ready, he gave Louis a little nod, and then Louis moved, pulling back just a bit before pushing back in. Harry shut his eyes and allowed himself to get lost in it all as Louis continued to thrust into him slowly, establishing a steady rhythm. Harry could feel everything, suddenly sensitive to every touch. The sheets underneath him wrinkled as their bodies moved, his fingers knotted in the fabric and his toes curled against them too. Louis’s hands were also everywhere. One hand kept him propped up, while the other brushed against Harry’s skin, teasing his nipples, ghosting over his scars, and gripping at his hips. Harry’s lips fell open as Louis quickened his pace, finding Harry’s prostate and eliciting a high-pitched moan from Harry. 

After that, Harry was gone. Everything felt hot, too hot, and the breeze from outside did nothing to cool their bodies. Louis’s hand wrapped around Harry’s cock and he stroked in time with his thrusts while muttering incoherent words that began to run together in breathless whispers. “ _Loveyousomuch…sobeautiful…wantthisforever…_ ” And Harry continued to moan out a mantra of _louislouislouis_  because it was the only word his brain seemed to know at the moment and the only word his lips knew how to form. 

To be honest, part of Harry had been afraid about having sex, deathly afraid that it would bring back horrible, nightmare-ish, memories. It’s why he couldn’t go through with it the first time he and Louis had tried after his return from the hospital, and it was the reason they hadn’t for nearly a month. But now, Harry couldn’t think of anything other than Louis. His bad memories were completely replaced by this, Louis inside him, Louis kissing him, Louis touching him with featherlight fingers. He couldn’t even put words to the feelings coursing through his body. It wasn’t just Louis thrusting into him, it wasn’t just Louis’s hand on his cock, it wasn’t just the tensing feeling in his abdomen…it wasn’t any of these basic things…it was more than that. It was electricity running though his veins and it was Louis somehow molding himself into him, Louis everywhere, in his heart and his soul and his veins and his fingers and his toes. It was a colony of butterflies let loose inside his stomach, butterflies with giant wings, swooping down, all around, dancing inside him and ready to burst out and soar to the heavens. It was an unexplainable feeling and it had him high up, flying, breathless, moaning, ready to explode, shattering into a million pieces and then coming back together again only to find himself wrapped up in Louis’s arms. And that’s how they came, together in a mess of butterflies and electricity and skies and wings and birds and warmth and love and kisses. 

Harry felt like his bones were made of marshmallow as he stretched out and curled around Louis who was now laying beside him. They were nose to nose then, panting softly as they tried to catch their breaths. Harry’s eyes fluttered shut and their lips joined together as they kissed lazily, too tired and happily blissed out to do anything else. Then Louis turned to lay on his back and Harry crawled closer, curling into his side and resting his head on Louis’s chest, even though he’s bigger than Louis. And tucked under Louis’s arms he felt at home, their hearts beating together and lulling them both to sleep. 

*

Harry awoke to the sound of  _Little Bitty Pretty One_ sounding through the flat and people milling about. Louis stirred from beside him a moment later, groaning and stretching. “Hey,” he grinned sleepily. Harry grinned back and nuzzled their noses together before stealing a kiss. Hall and Oates’  _You Make My Dreams_ , came on then and they heard Niall holler, “Turn it up I love this one!” from outside. Harry chuckled, “That’s definitely one of my mixtapes.” 

“What are they even doing out there?” Louis asked turning to face the door as they hear something tumble to the ground followed by Zayn cursing profusely. 

Harry shimmied out from Louis’s arms and creaked the door open, poking his head out. Down the hall he could see Zayn bent over picking up a box and Niall running out the front door. Harry turned back to Louis who was still tangled up in the mess of sheets. 

“They’re moving out boxes,” Harry said, strolling back over to the bed and hopping on top of Louis. 

Louis sighed. “Moving day.” 

“Yeah,” Harry said softly, curling into Louis. Louis rubbed circles on the small of Harry’s back as _Barbara Ann_  began to played through the flat. 

“Maybe if we just stay in bed they won’t be able to close Lego House,” Louis murmured. 

“I wish,” Harry said into Louis’s collarbone. 

“HARRY STYLES!” Zayn banged open the bedroom door. 

Both Harry and Louis sat up, wide eyed like deers caught in headlights. 

“Oh good you two are up,” Zayn said sweetly. “Thought I was going to have to drag your arses out of bed. It’s nearly noon. You need to get your shit out of here, I’m not moving any of your boxes. Also I have to go, erm, run some errands. With Liam. So. You two and Niall better get everything out.” 

And then Zayn was gone. 

“Maybe if we just wait for him to leave––“ Louis began, before the door opened again and Niall stood there with his hands on his hips, his foot tapping to the beat of Billie Joel’s  _Uptown Girls_. “Come on boys,” he said in a very camp voice. “Chop, chop!” He clapped his hands together and Louis and Harry both quirked up their brows, neither budging from bed. Niall sighed loudly. “I hate you both. I really do.” And then he was running towards the bed. Both Louis and Harry separated just as Niall jumped into the center of the bed where they had been seconds ago. Harry hopped out of bed starkers and then Louis followed suit. Niall groaned and threw a hand over his face. 

After they had dressed, they got to work disassembling the fish tank. 

“This is going to be a bloody pain in the arse to put back together,” Louis said eyeing the box as he carried the fish away in their temporary travel tank. 

“We’ll figure it out again,” Harry giggled. 

“You mean  _you’ll_ figure it out again,” Louis said. 

Harry grinned. “Yes. All me. No help from you.” 

They joined Niall in the living room moments later, Louis carrying the fish and Harry carrying the box with the tank in it. 

“I think I should take the fish over to mine,” Louis said. “Before we bring over all the other stuff. Don’t want to kill them or anything.” Harry nodded in agreement and they exited the flat, carrying down the remainder of the boxes from Harry’s room downstairs where the rest of the house was gathered. 

“Good morning!” Danielle said brightly as Harry and Louis passed. They grinned and greeted her. “Hey Harry,” she said after they set down their box. “Can we––“ she nodded towards the staircase. Harry followed her and they sat down on the second to last step. These steps had seen a lot of little chats between the two of them. “So,” Dani said staring ahead of them at the front door which stood ajar as people trailed in and out with boxes. “This is it.” 

Harry hummed in response, watching Louis trip over someone’s lamp cord as he came back inside. He giggled a little and Louis glanced up from across the room and grinned, shaking his head. “But even though this is the end of us all living here, it’s not the end of everything. It’s really the beginning. The beginning of a lot, for all of us.” 

Gemma and Eleanor ran in from outside, Gemma’s arms wrapped around Eleanor’s middle from behind. Harry grinned at them as they passed. They grinned back. Eleanor really did looked nice with a smile on her face instead of a scowl, Harry decided. “And I mean,” Danielle went on, “I’m moving in with Li. And Zayn’s moving in with Niall for now. And you’re moving in with Louis. And they do all live in the same building so…” 

Josh and Sandy began arguing over which box Sandy had but Josh’s pink vibrator in. “I swear I’m going to fuck you so hard if you put it in the box we shipped to my mum!” Josh swore. 

“I didn’t! I put it in the one labeled ‘Kitchen Stuff!’” Sandy insisted. 

“Why the fuck would you put in that one!” Josh shouted, getting very close to Sandy’s face.

“You’re always fucking yourself with it in the kitchen!” Sandy shouted back.

“Fuck you’re right!” And then their lips collided in a fierce kiss.

“…Are you even listening to a word I’m saying?” Danielle said waving a hand in front of Harry’s face. 

Harry shook himself and tore his eyes away from Sandy and Josh, a goofy smile playing on his lips. “Sorry. So much going on,” Harry said glancing around the room. 

Danielle chuckled and shook her head, giving Harry’s knee a little pat. “Alright well, go on, go snog your boyfriend and pretend you’re actually helping move these boxes out of here.” Harry got to his feet and gave Dani a little smile. “We’re all going to be okay, aren’t we?” Harry said, a funny little feeling creeping in his stomach. 

Dani nodded her head once. “Sure looks like it.” 

Louis disappeared for a half hour, insisting on taking the fish to his place by himself. “Oh come on!” Harry pouted. “Let me come along!” 

“No, I need you to stay here,” Louis said. “Really. Please. Just. Stay.” 

“What are you up to, Tomlinson?” Harry asked, narrowing his eyes. 

“Nothing,” Louis laughed, which  _clearly_  meant  _something_. 

Harry let him go with a final kiss and then he spent the next half hour milling about, dancing with Lily and Karl and helping Rebecca and Cher move out some of their things. When Louis finally returned it was nearly 2:30 and everyone was starving. 

“I’m going out to get lunch!” Niall announced coming down the stairs with his arms thrown out wide open. “Anyone want to come along?” 

Josh and Sandy raised their hands, lips once again locked in a bruising kiss. “Brilliant!” Niall said. “I’m getting chicken. For everyone,” he said eyeing the room. Everyone stared back and nodded their heads together. “Okay, good. Be back in a bit.” 

Josh dragged Sandy by the shirt collar out the front door after Niall and then everyone resumed their previous actions.  Harry spun around to find Louis standing alone on the far side of the room where the old sofa used to be. “Hey,” Harry said quietly, wrapping his arms around his waist and hooking his head over his shoulder. 

“Hey,” Louis said back, rubbing his hands over Harry’s arms. Harry pecked a quick kiss to Louis’s cheek before pulling back an turning them around. “Hey  _boyfriend_ ,” Harry said with a dorky smile. Louis let out a barking laugh and bumped his hip with Harry’s. “Hey boyfriend,” he said back. 

“We still gotta load all my shit in your car…” 

“It’s never going to fit,” Louis said seriously. “Have you  _seen_  my car?” 

Harry laughed. “We’ll tie the rest to the roof,” Harry said in an oddly husky voice. 

“That seems very unsafe,” Louis murmured. 

“You gotta learn live on the edge, Lou,” Harry scoffed.

Louis rolled his eyes. “My middle name is The Edge,” he proclaimed. 

“Is it really?” Harry asked, biting his lip. 

“Yeah, Louis The Edge Tomlinson. It’s a family name.” 

“Interesting.” 

“Mhmm.” 

They stayed like that for a while, wrapped up in each other’s arms and murmuring nonsense into each other’s skin. 

“If you want food I suggest you stop mating in the corner!” Gemma called pulling them out of their own little world, and the two of them turned to find that Niall, Josh, and Sandy had returned with about twenty Nandos takeaway bags. The whole gang were all sprawled on the floor eating off paper plates, the sweet smell of chicken filling the entire house. 

“So this is how we’re leaving the place,” Harry said as he and Louis joined the gang. “Smelling like chicken.” 

“It’s fitting,” Niall said through a mouthful of food. 

“How is it fitting?” Danielle asked furrowing her brows. 

Niall shrugged. “I dunno, it just is. Warm chicken. That’s kinda what this place feels like. Warm chicken.” 

“That’s the most profound thing I’ve ever heard,” Harry said, wrapping an arm around Niall’s shoulders. 

“Thanks mate, I try. I think Zayn’s wisdom is rubbing off on me.” 

“Probably,” Harry agreed. 

They carried on eating and chatting and someone brought down the radio from Harry’s flat that they’d left up there and Harry’s mixtape continued to play. Louis hummed along to  _The Joker_  by Steve Miller Band and Harry drummed his fingers against his legs and everyone belted “ _Really love your peaches, wanna shake your tree!_ ” and then Gemma’s phone was ringing the the front door banged open and Gemma was shouting to cut the music because she couldn’t hear and then it was dead silent except for Gemma’s voice and the garbled murmur of the voice on the other line. 

“Could you please repeat that I couldn’t hear,” Gemma said. There was a pause as the other person spoke and then Gemma’s eyes were going wide and a hand clapped over her mouth. “Are you serious?” she said in disbelief. The other person spoke some more and everyone in the room turned to each other, mouthing confused words and shrugging. Louis turned to Harry and Harry shook his head and shrugged. Then Gemma shrieked. “Yes! Yes okay, brilliant! I’ll let him know! Thank you so much for everything!” Harry blinked. Gemma hung up the phone and turned back to the group, but her eyes were only focused on Harry. Harry blinked again, holding his breath. Gemma had tears in her eyes he suddenly noticed and there was a watery smile playing on her lips. “They caught him,” she said softly. “They found him. He’s been arrested. Got him on car theft but…They got him––“ Gemma was cut off by Harry flinging himself at her, arms wide open. Harry was crying then too. And then everyone was surrounding them, Louis right beside him, everyone hugging tightly and crying and cheering. They broke apart a bit and Harry stumbled into Louis’s arms and kissed him, a steady and reassuring kiss. Louis’s watery eyes locked with Harry’s and they both grinned and cried and kissed some more. “Everything is going to be just fine,” Louis whispered. And Harry believed him. And Louis believed his own words. Because they were out. They were out of their mazes, they had found their way out together, and now, everything was looking up. 

They all settled back down a few minutes later to find that Liam and Zayn had returned. They had been the ones to bang the door open. They were both sporting identical smiles and Zayn was holding a piece of paper in his hands. “Erm, we’ve got some news too,” Zayn said. “Not sure we can top that news though,” he said to Harry, “But. Well. We just went down to close the deal on Paradise.” He wrapped an arm around Liam’s shoulders. “We are now co-owners of the club!” He held up the paper that Harry assumed was the contract. 

Everyone erupted in a new wave of cheers and Danielle went over to wrap her arms around Liam while Niall pulled Zayn into a kiss. “You taste like hot sauce,” Zayn laughed, licking Niall’s lips. 

“Buffalo chicken!” Niall grinned, holding up a chicken wing.

All around them there was commotion. Rebecca, Lily, and Karl were dancing together as  _Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go_ sounded from the radio, Josh and Sandy were both on their knees proposing marriage to each other and arguing about who was supposed to do the proposing, Eleanor and Gemma announced their plans to open up a boutique up in Manchester, and then Danielle suddenly announced that she had been accepted into a summer dance program at her Uni. The house was suddenly full of joy, ready to burst with it, and the air around them felt hopeful. And this was home. These people, they were home. The warmth that they all gave each other, the love, that was home too. 

Their last moments in Lego House were all smiles. But then time ran out, and they all found themselves out on the sidewalk, looking up at their colorful little building. “I’m gonna miss this place,” Harry said and everyone murmured in agreement. “But here’s to the future, right?” He turned to everyone and they all nodded back. And then they were all hugging each other goodbye. “See you later.”  “See you soon.”  “Come visit.”  “This isn’t a fucking goodbye!” 

After all was said and done, Harry popped his mixtape out of the radio and climbed into Louis’s car. Louis rounded the other side and slipped into the drivers seat, igniting the engine. They couldn’t see shit from behind since they’d stuffed all of Harry’s things in to the back seat, and this was definitely a violation of some driving law, but they couldn’t be arsed to care. 

Harry slipped the tape into the little slot in Louis’s car and then Stevie Wonder’s  _For Once in My Life_ began to play and Louis pulled off the curb with a smile and they both grinned at each other all fond as they hummed along to the tune. 

“I’ve got a surprise for you,” Louis said a few moments later as the song was drawing to a close. 

“What is it?” Harry asked. 

Louis rolled his eyes. “If I tell you then it’s not a surprise. Duh.” 

Harry pouted and then a smirk quirked on his lips at the sudden bout of de ja vu. “What if I––“ His hand trailed down to the hem of his jeans. 

“No,” Louis said putting his hand over Harry’s. “You are  _not_  doing that again.”  

Harry laughed and pulled his hand back and then song changed and the opening chords to  _Send Me On My Way_  began playing and Harry let out a little excited sound that was something like a squawk and a squeal and Louis turned towards him with wide eyes and a laugh waiting to burst from his lips. “You okay there?” Louis asked and Harry nodded quickly, reaching over to turn up the volume. 

“I just love this song.” 

“Who doesn’t,” Louis said. 

“It’s such a happy song,” Harry agreed. 

And then they sang, Louis lowering his voice, singing in a deep tribal voice as he did the backup vocals and Harry drummed his hands on the dashboard, belting with Louis, their voices cracking until they were screaming and laughing with the windows rolled down and the wind rushing through their hair. They pulled into the parking lot of Louis’s apartment complex with the car nearly shaking from the vibrations of the music, their hair all windswept and their faces red. Niall and Zayn stood outside of their car, both of their expressions twisted in bemusement as Louis’s car strolled past. 

“Hello boys,” Louis said as they pulled up in the spot beside them. Zayn rolled his eyes and turned away. Niall followed after him with some of their boxes. “Rude!” Louis called after them. They disappeared inside and then Louis turned to Harry. “It’s time,” he said in a deep voice. 

“Time?” Harry asked narrowing his eyes and smirking mischievously. 

“Yes. Let’s go.” Louis kicked open his door and ran around the front of his car to get to Harry’s side before he could even get his seatbelt off. He opened the door for him and then tugged Harry along by the wrist. 

“What about all of my shit?” Harry said nodding towards the backseat. 

Louis waved his hand and pursed his lips. “Psh…We can get all of that…later. Much later.” 

Harry shrugged. “Okay.” And then he was skipping to Louis’s side and lacing their fingers together. 

They took the lift up to Louis’s–– _their_ ––flat and it was weird because the lift actually worked here, unlike at Lego House. Then Louis pulled Harry along and they stumbled down the hall to Louis’s–– _their!_ ––door. Louis jiggled the key out of his pocket and then handed it over to Harry. “Care to do the honors?” he said, quirking up a brow. 

“Sure,” Harry said softly, taking the key between his thumb and index finger and sliding it into the keyhole. Louis’s hand came up to cover Harry’s at the last moment and they twisted the key together before pushing open the door. 

Harry peered in and immediately noticed that all the furniture was missing. Or, well, everything was pushed against the far side of the room. And everything was covered in plastic too. Harry turned to Louis and gave him a curious look. “Any particular reason your furniture is covered in plastic?” 

Louis shrugged. “I heard it was all the rage in America.” They crossed over the threshold and Louis shut the door behind them. 

Harry turned back to the openness of the living room and dinning room. “Something tells me you’re lying.” 

Louis clapped Harry on the shoulder. “Something tells me you’re right. Anyways…right this way…” Louis gestured towards the kitchen. Harry toed his way tentatively across the room. He peaked into the kitchen with narrowed eyes. Up on the counter there were about seven cans of paint. And various paintbrushes and rollers in different sizes. Harry blinked and then turned to Louis once more. “Are we painting?” 

Louis grinned and turned to face the white walls of the living room. “I figured this place could use…a bit of color. The walls are too bare. I’ve become far too used to bright colors.” 

Harry’s face lit up and a big goofy grin spread across his lips. 

“So what’d you say? Will you do me the honor of painting with me?” Louis asked, kneeling down and presenting Harry with a paintbrush. 

“I would love to paint with you,” Harry said as seriously as he could muster. 

And so they painted. Or…tried to. All hell broke lose when Louis got paint on Harry’s shirt. 

“This is vintage!” Harry shrieked, laughing as he palmed at the material which was now sporting a big glob of red paint. 

“Take it off or I’ll get more on it!” Louis threatened, wielding his paintbrush menacingly. 

“Oh so that’s how you’re going to play?” Harry said, cocking a brow. “Two can play at that game,” he smirked, before jabbing his paintbrush at Louis’s chest. 

Louis shrieked and clutched at his chest, falling to the ground. “I’ve been shot!” 

“You bleed blue blood?” Harry giggled. 

“Yes. I’m part smurf. That’s why my eyes are so blue.” 

Harry snorted and got one of the rollers out. “I’m going to paint your jeans orange now,” he announced. 

And that’s how they ended up naked with paint in their hair and all over their bodies and quishing between their toes as they stumbled to the ground, lips locked in a clumsy kiss. “Isn’t this paint toxic,” Harry asked as he licked into Louis’s mouth. 

“Probably,” Louis shrugged, kissing back. 

“Cool,” Harry said before diving back in. Making out on the floor covered in paint was pretty hot. A good start to the beginning of the next chapter in their lives, Harry thought. He pulled back then and looked down at Louis with a fond grin. He stared for a while drinking in Louis. Louis with a big purple smudge on his left cheek and a red heart painted on his forehead, his hair damp and slicked back. Louis with big smurf-blue eyes and thin lips and pointy teeth poking out when he grinned especially wide the way he was grinning up at Harry now. Louis who was here and real and his and who wasn’t going anywhere. Louis who made him feel safe and loved. Something like butterfly wings fluttered in his stomach and bubbled up and up and Harry felt dizzy for the millionth time and three little words where waiting to burst from his lips and he felt stupid for taking such a long time to manage to say them. He felt stupid for ever thinking that he didn’t deserve this, that he didn’t deserve to love someone and to have someone love him back. 

Harry was still staring down at Louis, he wasn’t even sure how long he’d been staring, probably would have gone on staring for centuries had Louis not raised his brows and asked, “What?” 

Harry shook himself and moved back a few inches. He shrugged lightly and then let out a little laugh. “I dunno. I was just thinking. ‘Bout you. And me. And how you make me feel.” Harry ducked his head a little, feeling the blush creep up on his cheeks. “I don’t––Ugh. I’m not really quite sure how to say it…God I’m pathetic,” Harry laughed again. His fingertips traced lightly over Louis’s chest. 

“Say what?” Louis asked, wrapping his hands around Harry’s hips and pulling him closer. 

Harry looked down and drummed his fingers lightly against Louis’s chest. “Well you  _know_ ,” Harry began. “But I still want to  _say_  it.” 

“Ah,” Louis nodded, catching on. “Harry, you don’t have to––“ 

“No but I do,” Harry said cutting Louis off. “I just…I have to say it…because I’ve been feeling it for so long. You have no idea how long,” Harry groaned, leaning a bit closer and causing his hips to grind down slightly on Louis’s. “I just never believed I could feel it, you know?  Never thought I was allowed to, considering everything. But––but you showed me,” Harry said now fully laying on top of Louis. “You showed me that I was allowed to have this,” Harry murmured into Louis’s neck. “You showed me that I was worth something. You l-loved me when––when I thought no one else could,” Harry’s voice trembled slightly, and a few tears slipped out onto Louis’s skin. “When I couldn’t even love myself.” 

“Harry,” Louis said, wrapping his arms tightly around Harry’s waist and clutching him against his chest. 

Harry sniffed and rubbed his nose, lifting his head up to face Louis. “You just––you walked into my life…you made me feel something I’d never felt before. And in the beginning it scared the  _shit_ out of me.” Harry bit his lower lip and continued to stare down at Louis, green to blue, locked together just like the very first moment they met. Though this time both their eyes were open windows. Louis’s were no longer pained and slightly bloodshot and Harry’s were no longer mysterious and guarded. “I ran away from it,” Harry went on. “I pushed it away. I convinced myself I wasn’t allowed to feel it. But, it’s been too long. And I never once stopped feeling it. And we’re laying here covered in paint and it feels like home and…” Harry paused and looked deeply into Louis’s eyes. So blue. He wanted to swim in them. He was tired of only skimming the surface. And so he took a deep breath, and then plunged right in. “…I love you.” 

Louis’s arms wrapped tighter around Harry and he pulled him back down and Harry went easily, suddenly feeling so light, as if a massive weight had finally been lifted from his shoulders. He let out a breath, his chest deflating as he sighed and curled into Louis where he fit so perfectly, and he felt warm and safe and finally–– _finally_ ––at home. 


	18. Wake Me Up//Lego House

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: (so this is the authors note copied from tumblr where most people have read my fic until now) Welp here it is, the end. Again, as always, apologies for taking ages to update. Y'all know me by now, you know I'm horrible at updating. Let us pray that in the future I'll be more efficient with my updating schedule haha. Anyways wow, so this is the last chapter and I started this fic way back in May of 2012 so it's been well over a year. It's very crazy to think about and I'm probs going to get a bit soppy here but i really, really love you all. All of you who've taken time to read this story, all of you who've stuck with this story even though it's author is a shithead at updating haha. I'm so very thankful for all of you. Also shout out to Ali who was one of the first people ever to message me about Lego House. Also shout out to all the lovely people who've spent time translating this fic into many different languages, you guys are amazing! Anyways, I'm really going to miss this fic, it's been a constant in my life for like a year and a half and it's been through a lot with me. But, all things must come to an end, and so, now I shall let you guys enjoy this final chapter.

 Harry never expected to have a constant stability in his life. If you asked him seven months ago what his life was like, ‘stable’ would not have been the word that came to mind. If you had asked him then if he believed in soul mates and even love he would have given you a very definitive ‘no’. Because those things surely could not exist, at least not for him. But that was seven months ago, and a lot can change in seven months, as he’d come to realize. Harry barely even recognized his life now, sometimes it seemed almost bizarre to think that _this really was his life_. Sometimes he just needed a moment to stop and breathe and take it all in. Usually those moments seemed to take place early in the morning, laying awake in bed and staring up at the ceiling while Louis slept peacefully at his side.  

But he couldn’t linger on those thoughts for much too long because well, he had things to do, they both did. Harry had also found over the past few months that stability also meant routine, sticking to a routine. Most people would groan at the thought of routine, mundane things like going to school and work, but Harry loved it. He loved knowing that his life wasn’t going to spontaneously change at any moment, he loved having a sense of security, something that he had lived without for so long. Even when he was younger and lived in Holmes Chapel, his routine was anything but stable. Sure he’d had a schedule and had gone to school and work, but his life had revolved around wondering if he was going to come home to an empty house or be beaten and abused or have to take care of his mother. His life had not been this stable in a very long time.  

The alarm tone on Louis’s phone began blaring out the God-awful tune of ‘marimba’ and Harry rolled over to shut it off. Despite the fact that it was Louis’s phone and Louis’s alarm, it was kept on Harry’s bedside table. That was mostly because the alarm never woke Louis up, Harry was the one who woke Louis up in the mornings. But not yet. It was a Tuesday in October, a fairly average Tuesday, the sky was gray as usual but it was bright outside, very bright, and Harry felt very happy for no reason other than it was another day in their lives together and why not be happy?  

Harry rolled out of bed and stretched, a lazy smile gracing his lips as he ambled out of the bedroom and down the hall into the kitchen. He felt like pancakes. They had time; Louis’s alarm always woke Harry up about an hour before they really needed to be up. Louis said it was because they needed the extra time to get ready because they were horribly unorganized and prone to…erm…’distractions’…But Harry knew it was mostly because Louis loved it when he cooked them breakfast. Harry didn’t mind, he loved making breakfast, and plus he was always up early anyways.  

Harry busied himself with the frying pan and the pancake batter humming along to a catchy new tune by some boyband playing on the radio. The cat––they had a cat now––purred at his feet as he stirred the whisk through the batter. Harry listened to the playful banter and early morning chatter of the radio DJs on the breakfast show as he flipped his pancakes, a lazy smile on his lips. They had quite a day ahead of them despite it being an average Tuesday. He and Louis both had work and classes and therapy sessions today. And then there was a little…shindig…they were to attend later that night.  

As Harry settled the last, fluffy pancake on top of the stack, a pair of slow, shuffling feet made their way down the hall. Harry turned and leaned agains the counter. “Hey, sleepyhead,” he beamed, as Louis smiled lazily through half lidded eyes and ruffled his own messy hair.  

“Hey.” Louis kicked off the doorway and trudged across the tile floor towards Harry. “G’morning,” he murmured against Harry’s lips.  

“Morning,” Harry said, giving him a soft little kiss. “I made pancakes!” he said happily, pulling away and lifting up the plate to show Louis.  

“I know.” Louis quirked his lips up. “’S what got me out of bed,” he said, still sleepy. 

Harry pouted. “I wanted to wake you up. Breakfast in bed?”  

“It’s Tuesday,” Louis said, helping himself to some pancakes.  

“So?” 

Louis furrowed his brows. “So…Nothing, I guess.”  

“Then let take these pancakes to bed!” Harry scooped up the plate and ran out the kitchen.  

Louis smirked and followed after Harry with the syrup. “Pancakes in bed…how _naughty_.”  

They ended up making a mess in bed, their skin sticky and their chests rising and falling quickly as they both panted for breath.  

“We––are––never,” Louis said, taking a deep breath, “having breakfast in bed again.”  

Harry giggled as he licked a glob of syrup off of Louis’s cheek. “Not if I have any say in it,” Harry said, grinning into Louis’s neck.  

“The sheets are ruined!” Louis huffed slightly, trying to make Harry see reason.  

“I do believe we own a washing machine,” Harry said raising his brows.  

Louis pursed his lips in an attempt to suppress an inevitable smile. “This is true,” he said slowly. “But, now we have to take a shower and what with the whole breakfast thing, we’re already _very_ late.”  

Harry’s lips twitched into something of a sly smirk as he gently scratched Louis’s head. “Well then, we’ll have to make it quick. In and out. No funny business.”  

“Of course,” Louis replied through half lidded eyes as he nuzzled into Harry’s touch. Harry was never going to get over how much he loved mornings with Louis.  

*** 

Harry’s decision to start Uni came unexpectedly just a week before term was to begin. It had been right after the court hearing where Harry had to testify against Ralph––which had been nerve-wracking and generally awful but he’d had Louis there beside him every step of the way––and he was feeling particularly free and impulsive at the time, like he could do anything, so he decided to enroll himself in a few classes at the local university where Louis, Niall, and Liam attended.  

He wasn’t really a full time student,  and he and Louis were both working to pay for their classes and the rent with occasional help from Jay––but not very much because Louis felt bad about taking her money now after he’d blown a lot of it on drugs last year when things had been bad. Things were different now though, things were good now, for the both of them, and they were determined to be responsible adults and not slip up again. And for the most part they were doing a pretty good job of that. They kept each other in check, they supported each other, and every day was unpredictable, sometimes they were good for both, sometimes one of them would have a bad day, and other time they’d both wake up curled around each other, neither feeling up to facing the day. But they always managed to make it through.  

And now that they were both in Uni together, there was a lot of study sessions, though somewhat unproductive, but Harry loved when Louis quizzed him on his sociology terms, flying through index cards and making buzzer sounds as if they were on some game show.  

“That is _corr_ -ect!” he’d say in his best announcer voice, and Harry would just throw his head back in laughter, rolling around the sofa because he loved everything Louis did, found him funny no matter what, always laughed the hardest with him.  

That’s how their life has been for the past four months. That’s how they passed most of their time, laughing, eating, sleeping, going to work and school and therapy, and having sex. Harry smiled dreamily as he slipped into the passengers side of Louis’s car thinking about everything and Louis chuckled, nudging him lightly on the shoulder.  

“What are you all smiley about?”  

Harry fumbled with his seatbelt and grinned down at his knees before looking up at Louis and shrugging his shoulders. “You,” he said simply.  

Louis rolled his eyes but his lips were spreading into the fond grin that was reserved solely for Harry. “Dork.”  

Harry’s eyes slipped shut and he hummed as Louis’s finger carded through his hair. “Yeah but you love it.”  

“That I do,” Louis said, pressing his lips to Harry’s cheek. Harry sighed happily as they both pulled away and Louis started up the car. A few moments later the radio kicked in and Come On Eileen began blaring through the speakers, picking up where they’d left off yesterday. One of Harry’s mixtapes. He particularly liked this one. It was a good variety of old and new songs. It felt pretty timeless. 

They drove off then, with the infectious chorus tempting them to join in. Louis started humming along a bit and Harry began to mouth the words until finally they both gave in and chanted the rest of the song. Three more songs passed before they arrived at the main building where most of Harry’s classes were located.  

“See you for lunch?” Harry asked leaning back into the car and ducking over the console to give Louis a kiss.  

“Yeah, meet you at Pete’s?”  

Harry nodded and grinned, giving Louis a little wave before climbing up the steps and disappearing into the building.  

***

Louis pulled off the curb and drove off to his own classes. He was taking drama and English again and he couldn’t be happier. For the first time in a long time, perhaps even the first time _ever_ , Louis’s life had purpose and balance. He wasn’t living any crazy, lavish life, but that was perfectly fine. He had all the right things in his life: love, friendship, and family. And he also had a job that paid better than Starbucks now, so that was also a plus. But in all seriousness, he had everything he could want at the moment.  

Louis was feeling particularly fond today of all the wonderful things in his life because today was another day full of new beginnings and good things for two of his best friends. He hoped that the opening of the new club would open a new, exciting chapter in Zayn and Liam’s lives. Louis and Harry were to be attending the opening later that evening, but for now he had classes to get through and then lunch with Harry at Pete’s.  

He sat through a lecture barely paying attention, scribbling notes, and glancing at the clock with each passing minute. He loved Tuesdays and Thursdays. He loved his lunch dates with Harry, despite the fact that they lived together and practically spent every moment together. Those lunch dates still made Louis feel giddy. They made him feel young, like a teenager again. Every day with Harry felt like brand new, no matter how many times they had breakfast in bed or went out to lunch or showered together or kissed, it always felt like the first time all over again.  

When the hour hand finally hit twelve, Louis was the first to bolt out of his seat, heading straight for his car so that he could drive on over to Pete’s. Pete’s was a little pizza place close to campus that Harry had discovered during their first week of term and it soon became their favorite lunch spot. Harry was already waiting at their usual table by the window when Louis arrived. He tapped on the window and waved goofily at Harry who lit up with a huge smile.  

“Hey,” Louis said coming around and pecking Harry on the lips. “Did you order already?”  

“Of course…though I’m pretty sure they already put in our order before I even got here. We _are_ regulars after all,” Harry said.  

Louis chuckled. “That we are.”  

“Isn’t it great?” Harry said leaning in closer. “I think it’s so…quaint. Like small town charm. Having people know your order. It’s hard to find that in a city like this.” 

Louis snorted. “Dork,” he said, reaching out to ruffle his hair.  

“Hey,” Harry said pouting slightly.  

“Don’t pout you’ll get frown lines.”  

“You’re worried about lines, you should stop smiling so much,” Harry said reaching across the table to poke at Louis’s face. “You got about a hundred by your eyes, there and there and there, and a million more by your mouth.”  

Louis swatted Harry’s hand away. “Yes but laugh lines are good. We like laugh lines. Frown lines are bad. Very bad, Harold.”  

Harry rolled his eyes. “Dork.”  

Before Louis could continue, a teenager with bleach blond hair came over with their pizza. “You two need to stop being all doe eyed and in love, it’s disturbing the other customers,” he said.  

Louis snorted and Harry twisted in his seat to look around. “Um, Michael, there are no other customers.”  

“There’s two tables over there, Carl, very good customer, and a group of pretty ladies…”  

“And none of them care if we’re doe eyed and in love, Michael.” 

“I think someone’s jealous,” Louis said with a suggestively raise of his brow.  

“I’m sorry I crushed your heart, Michael,” Harry said dramatically. “But when you hit on me many moons ago I was already betrothed to my dear Louis.”  

“Oh shut it, both of you,” Michael said swatting them with his rag. “I haven’t been laid in months, seeing any form of romance has been driving me nuts.”  

“I take it that foursome with your buddies never happened?” Louis asked.  

Michael’s eyes widened comically and he lowered his voice to a hiss. “I told you about that dream in confidence!” he said to Harry.  

“And you think I wouldn’t tell _Louis_?”  

Michael stared between them, opening and closing his mouth. “I just— never mind. Eat your pizza.”  

“Maybe your should just try asking them about it—“ Harry called after Michael.  

“Shut up!”  

“You never know if you don’t try!” Louis chimed in.  

“I hate you both, please never come back.”  

“Horrible service, I’m telling Pete!”  

Harry hunched over the table in laughter. “Stop it, oh god, we’re awful.”  

“Unbearable,” Louis said laughing too. 

“Nauseating.”  

“How do people live with us?” 

“Beats me.”  

***

After Pete’s Louis and Harry went their separate ways, Louis to work and Harry to therapy with Louise.  

“How’ve you been, Harry?” Louise said as way of greeting, though with her it probably doubled as an actual question.  

“Really good, actually,” Harry said with a smile. He swooped in and gave her a quick hug.  

“I’m glad. Sit, sit,” she said gesturing towards the sofa. “Tea?”  

Harry nodded. “Sure.”  

Louise busied herself fixing Harry a cup of tea while she continued on asking questions. Their sessions hardly ever felt like sessions anymore, Louise was more of a friend than a therapist. “So how are classes going? Not too stressed are you? I bloody hated Uni. Almost dropped out. Stress is bad. Don’t get in over your head, Harry, you hear me?”  

Harry chuckled. “I promise I won’t. It’s not too bad though. Louis’s been a big help. With everything.”  

Louise smiled, eyes going all fond as she handed Harry his tea. “Oh Louis, bless that boy. So I take it everything’s well with you two? No trouble in paradise.”  

Harry shook his head, his curls bouncing. “Paradise is perfect. Really couldn’t be happier. I mean…He’s just…He’s everything, you know?”  

Louise nodded with a smile. “I’m glad you’re doing well. Not many bad days lately?” 

Harry shook his head again. “Not really. I mean sometimes I still get, like, frustrated, and out of instinct I just kind of think to take it out on myself, but I’ve gotten better at controlling that. And Louis always seems to know when I’m not feeling quite right. So I’ve been good.”  

“Good, good.”  

They both took a moment to sip their teas, and then Harry shifted a little, setting down his cup. “You know, tonight’s the opening of Liam and Zayn’s club. I mentioned it to you a few weeks ago.”  

“Oh right, yes! Zayn and Liam must be excited.” 

“Very. And a bit nervous. They’ve been down there all day getting ready for tonight.”  

“You and Louis going?”  

Harry nodded. “Yeah. We’re not going to be able to, you know, get smashed or anything. But it’ll still be fun. You and Tom should come by tonight.”  

“Ah I wish,” said Louise. “But we’ve got no one to watch Lux. Maybe another night.” 

“Ah oh well. So are we done here or do you still have to pick at my brain?”  

Louise snorted. “Nah, we’re done. You still have about a half hour left of your session thought.”  

“Well I’ve got a new mix if you wanna hear…?”  

Louise rolled her eyes. “You are such a bloody hipster sometimes.” 

“Hey!” Harry protested.  

“Come on, come on,” she said wiggling her fingers. “Give it here, let’s see what you’ve got…”  

*** 

After the half hour was up, Harry quickly made his way down the street to work.  

Harry had two jobs now. There was the pet shop and then there was also the coffee shop. The coffee shop––which was not Starbucks thank you very much––was small and quaint just like Harry liked it. It reminded him of the kinds of shops in Holmes Chapel. He loved working there. He loved the smell of coffee and pastries and he loved talking to the customers and filling orders. He loved the warmth of mugs and he loved that he could play his mixtapes in the old radio behind the counter. But perhaps what he loved most about the coffee shop was that every week they hosted an open mic night. Sometimes multiple nights a week. And without fail, every week, the same ginger kid was there to perform, and he was amazing. He was like nothing Harry had ever heard before and just seeing all that amazing, raw talent made Harry light up. Sometimes he even imagined himself up there. Sometimes.  

Tonight was no different. The hours of Harry’s shift passed quickly, and in no time the mic was out, the lights were dimmed, and Ed, the ginger kid, was up there strumming away on his little guitar, his voice filling the entire room.  

From the other side of the cafe, the door opened and in slipped Louis. _Hi_ , he mouthed, waving both hands. Harry gestured for him to join him behind the counter. “Hey,” Louis whispered, reaching for Harry’s waist. “Ginger’s back,” he said, nodding towards the back of the room.  

“I’m recording this,” Harry whispered. “Bootlegging,” he grinned in that childish, dimpling way. Louis laughed and kissed the shell of his ear. “Dork.”  

Harry pursed his lips and tried to resist another grin, turning his eyes back towards Ed. The music changed and a new song began, one Harry hadn’t heard before. _“I’m gonna pick up the pieces, and build a lego house…”_  

Harry turned slightly in Louis’s arms and looked down at him. “Did he just say…?” Louis began.  

“We talked a few times when he’s been here, I told him about Lego House once maybe…” Harry whispered. “We were talking about home and stuff…he said he’s been couch surfing…homeless really. I guess it inspired him.”  

Louis nodded back towards Ed. “Let’s listen.”  

_“My three words have two meanings, there’s one thing on my mind, it’s all for you.”_ Harry’s fingers slowly began to trace patterns on Louis’s skin. They swayed slowly to the music, each string of lyrics bringing up memories. 

_“If you're broken I will mend you and I'll keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on now.”_ The two of them, once so broken and lost, and each having saved the other.  

_“I’m out of touch, I'm out of love, I’ll pick you up when you're getting down, and out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now…”_ The song went on and on, and Harry nuzzled Louis closer and closer.  

“Can this be our song?” he said, tilting his head down to face Louis as the music began to fade out.  

“It seems like it was written just for us so, yes,” Louis replied, positively beaming up at Harry.  

 *** 

 They arrived at the club sometime later, after Ed had finished his set and after Harry had locked up the cafe, and there was already a long line of people waiting outside.  

“I feel bad that we didn’t come earlier to help set up with everyone else,” Harry said as they pushed through people, making their way to the front of the line.  

“You had work and I had therapy, they understand,” Louis assured, pressing his hand to the small of Harry’s back and guiding him towards the door where a bouncer stood. The man squinted his eyes at them and Louis cleared his throat. “Um, we’re friends of Zayn and Liam. Louis and Harry. They’re expecting us..um..”  

The man lowered his eyes toward a list in his hand and nodded. “Go on,” he said in a deep, monotone voice, holding the heavy door open for them as they passed through the threshold.  

Inside people were milling about, setting up last minute things. In the middle of the room stood Zayn looking sharp, all dressed up, hair styled to perfection. He called out to Niall who was across the room tinkering with the mic stand. “Get away from that!” Zayn said, just as the shrill sound of interference sounded throughout the room.  

“Oi! Niall get your arse off that stage!” Louis called, covering his ears.  

Zayn turned around at the sound of his voice, a big smile spreading across his face. “You guys made it!”  

“Of course we made it you idiot.”  

“Where else would we be tonight?” Harry said, embracing Zayn in a tight hug.  

“Well…I know you two are busy…and clubs aren’t really your scene anymore so…” 

Harry rolled his eyes and Louis ruffled Zayn’s hair. “Kindly shut up. We love you and Li. We’d be here no matter what.”  

Zayn grinned again all big and wide, and it made Louis go all warm inside because he really loved seeing his friends happy. He loved that they were _all_ happy now.  

Things were good. Things were real good.  

Zayn guided them through the club, showing them all the remodels, as if they hadn’t been here helping out over the past three months. Behind the bar, Cher and Danielle were fixing up drinks, and over by the stage Sandy and Josh were dancing obscenely. Niall was still tinkering with the music equipment and Liam was getting frazzled about some misplaced wristbands. Everyone from Lego House was there, their whole little family all together again, even Eleanor and Gemma had come down from Manchester for opening night. They were sat in a corner, already a bit tipsy and giggly. Louis’s smile grew fonder. Even good ol’ Eleanor was happy.  

A half hour later the doors were about to opening. Niall had a bottle of champagne in his hands and Harry had a bottle of apple cider for him and Louis. Zayn and Liam stood by the switch that powered the  big neon sign that hung by the door.  

“Three!” they all shouted.  

“Two!” 

“One!”  

Niall and Harry popped the bottles and Liam and Zayn flipped the switch and suddenly the club was bathed in a sea of colors and right above the door the new name of the club glowed: LEGO. 

“To Lego!” they toasted. And then the doors opened and the club began to fill with people. The music was already pumping life into the club and people made their way over to the bar, lining up for drinks, laughing, and swaying along to the beat. Louis pressed his hand into the small of Harry’s back, guiding him over to one of the seats at the bar where Danielle and Cher were now serving drinks.  

“Nothing for you two!” Danielle said sharply, pointing a finger at both of them.   

“Don’t worry, love, we’re good,” Louis replied.  

Danielle grinned and patted Louis’s hand. “Good, good,” she said before setting down two Cokes in front of them.  

“Cheers,” Harry said, lifting his glass.  

“Cheers,” Louis echoed.  

Louis and Harry sat at the bar for a bit longer as the crowd got settled into the rhythm of the club, and then all too suddenly everyone around them seemed too drunk, the dance floor suddenly pulsing with bodies. Louis tensed slightly, feeling a bit overwhelmed. The scene seemed all too familiar, the lights, the music, and even though he was completely sober, his eyes felt like they were going to blur at any moment. Harry’s hand on his hip, strong and steady like an anchor, brought him out of his thought. “You alright?” Harry asked.  

Louis nodded his head after a moment, “Yeah, yeah I’m alright. You alright?”  

“I’m alright.”  

They were quiet for a few moments, watching the people dancing. “You wanna…dance?” Harry suggested.  

Louis shrugged. “Sure.”  

It was weird, the two of them, sober in the middle of the dance floor, pressed against each other not quite moving to the music, instead moving at their own rhythm. Louis’s nerves seemed to melt away, and then it was just the two of them. That was perhaps Louis’s favorite thing about the two of them, the way they could just zero in on each other and make the rest of the world disappear. They danced until the song ended, grinding against each other, foreheads pressed together and eyes locked. It was so simple, it was so easy, and Louis had danced countless times on this dance floor with countless other people but it had never felt like this before. The old Louis might have frequented this building in the past, but this was a new club, and he was a new Louis, and Harry, Harry was new. He’d never had a Harry before. The past few months had all been brand new, to be in a proper relationship, to have that stability. To feel safe and warm and at home in the arms of another person. It was new for both of them.  

Harry grinned up at him as the song came to a close, his lips hovering over Louis’s. “I love you,” he said simply. The words came easy to Harry these days, slipping out at random times, and even though Louis should have been used to it by now, it still caught him by surprised every time he heard Harry say it.  

Louis grinned back, their lips brushing lightly. “Love you, too.” And then they kissed properly, lips slotting together like puzzle pieces.  

“You wanna get out of here?” Harry asked as they pulled apart, his arms still snaked around Louis’s middle.  

“It’s still early,” Louis said, even though, yes, he did want to leave. “And, like, aren’t we supposed to be here for like, moral support. For Liam and Zayn.” 

“We showed up,” Harry said, pecking another kiss to Louis’s lips. “Besides, a club isn’t really any fun when you can’t get smashed. They understand. And I’m quite hungry. And I know you haven’t eaten anything since Pete’s—“  

“I ate a muffin at the cafe!” Louis protested.  

Harry began to edge them towards the exit. “That hardly counts as dinner,” he said, nipping at Louis’s ear. “Plus I was planning on making that chicken stuff you like.”  

Louis’s stomach gave a loud rumble at that, which Harry no doubt felt. “Mhmm,” Louis hummed. “You still have to teach me how to make it.”  

Harry chuckled, holding open the door as they slipped out into the chilly October night. “I still remember those horrid pancakes.”  

Louis swatted Harry’s shoulder and pouted. “Don’t hold that against me! I’ve gotten loads better! I made you that breakfast sandwich the other day!”  

“The one that Gemma said looked disgusting.”   

“But was it disgusting?” Louis asked, raising his brows.  

Harry pursed his lips, fighting off a smile. “No it was delicious.”  

“See! Now when we get home you’re teaching me how to make the chicken!” Louis said, poking at Harry’s sides.  

“Fine, fine!” Harry said, doubling over in a fit of laughter.  

Louis smiled triumphantly. “Good.” He grabbed Harry’s hand and laced their fingers together, bringing their hands up to kiss the back of Harry’s.  

Harry rolled his eyes. “Dork,” he said, but Louis didn’t miss the blush that crept up on his cheeks.  

“Bigger dork,” Louis said, watching as Harry got that dopey little grin on his face and began to shuffle his feet.  

Louis resisted the urge to kiss that grin off his face, and instead they continued to walk, hand in hand, down the street. The night was alive with the sounds of the city, cars passing, people walking along the streets, millions of lives all around them. Millions of people struggling through their own mazes. They walked on a bit farther, and they were nearly home when Harry stopped walking. His eyes were trained across the street, and his face looked a bit guarded, something Louis hadn’t seen in a while. It almost looked like he’d seen a ghost. For a moment Louis panicked that it might be Ralph, somehow out of jail. But then very quickly Harry’s face softened.  

“What’s up?” Louis asked, shaking Harry’s hand a little to get his attention.  

“I just—I have to— hold on, I’ll be right back.” Harry untangled his hand from Louis’s and began to cross the street. It took Louis a moment before he followed after Harry.  

Harry was a ways ahead of him, heading towards…an alleyway.  

Louis’s brows crinkled in confusion but he followed anyways, and then his eyes fell on a boy sitting in the mouth of the alley, huddled against the wall in nothing but a thin jacket. His eyes were puffy and his face tearstained, and there was an ugly bruise over his left eye.  

“Hey,” Harry said, crouching down in front of the boy. The boy flinched away, stumbling backwards. “It’s alright,” Harry said, voice calm and steady. “I don’t want to hurt you. I just. Here.” Harry reached into his pockets, fishing around while the boy watched on with big, wide eyes. He seemed pretty scared. Louis’s eyes darted back to Harry who pulled out some spare change. “It’s not much. But just. There’s um, a club, called Lego, a little ways up the street. Used to be Paradise, you probably know which one. Ask for Zayn, yeah? Tell him Harry sent you. It’s they’re opening night and they’re still horribly low on staff. He’ll help you out. Just. Stay off the streets, okay? You’ll find a way out, yeah?”  

Louis nearly choked on Harry’s last words, the same words for so long ago, from that one fateful night which felt like centuries ago. The boy nodded slowly, eyes still wide. Harry nodded and got to his feet. “Right well, good luck.”  

And then he turned back to Louis, reaching for his hand. They crossed the street and when they looked back the boy was gone. Harry’s eyes lingered for a moment and then Louis pulled Harry close, kissing him on the cheek. “That was a really great thing you did,” Louis said, his throat a little tight.  

Harry shrugged. “I just— he reminded me of me. And he looked so young. I wish I could save everyone sometimes, but I know I can’t. But like. If I can save one kid, that’s better than saving no one, yeah?”  

“Mhmm,” Louis hummed, pressing even closer against Harry as they neared the gates to their building. “You’ve saved more than one broken kid though,” Louis said. “There was this other chilly night where you found a broken and battered kid in an alleyway…”  

Harry shifted in Louis’s arms, nuzzling closer as they crossed the parking lot. “Ah yes, some pretty boy with blue eyes…”  

“Mhmm. A pretty boy who was at the end of his rope…caught up in the stupid mess he’d created. Stuck in a maze. And then an angel swooped in and saved his life.”  

Harry grinned against Louis’s cheek. “And then the pretty boy saved the angel,” he whispered. 

“Mhmm…quite a story,” Louis said, pressing the button for the lift.  

“Almost unreal.”  

“Almost.”  

They rode the lift in silence, gentle smiles playing on their lips and the prospects of dinner on their minds.  

“Home sweet home, babe,” Louis said, opening the door and walking backwards over the threshold, pulling Harry in by the hips. Harry draped his arms over Louis’s shoulders, guiding him up onto his tippy toes for a kiss.  

The door quietly fell shut behind them as their lips broke apart and Harry got behind Louis, arms wrapped around him from behind, leading them both towards the kitchen.  

Louis flicked the lights on, because he the first one in the kitchen, and as the room filled with light the first thing that his eyes fell on was a little plaque that hung above the sink. Harry had found it at some antique shop a while back and he had been all smiles, saying that it was perfect and that it was so _them_.  

It read quite simply, _Home is where the heart is_.  

And yeah, it _was_ so them. Because for a long time neither of them had ever full understood what a home was. But now they understood it, they understood it so much. Home wasn’t a place. Home wasn’t Lego House. Or their flat. Or London. Home was were they were surrounded by the ones they loved. And for them, their home was with each other.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Cue Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros…end credits roll* ….The End….or more like, the beginning of the rest of their lives together. 
> 
> haha but anyways once again a massive thank you to all of you guys for reading! I hoped you enjoyed! Tell me what you thought. You can also find me at tumblr at danceinstylinson.tumblr.com or right now for the holidays I'm prancinstylinson. xx


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